Status Update from the Rebound on the Rebounder. How to Proceed?

[septembermourning]

I have other posts on here re: my situation. 3.5 month relationship with someone who didn't realize he wasn't over his previous relationship. He appeared very serious about me and very happy the entire time until he suddenly ended it end of December blindsiding me. He set the pace for the relationship and it was very gradual and believable and I could see his feelings growing stronger through his actions and he also told me in words. He was very kind and loving to me always, his family and friends knew about me and at his prodding he met all the people near and dear to me. He talked about future things such as moving closer to me and taking me on a trip months out. Essentially he fit the checklist of someone who was in love or falling in love and that's why I was so shocked/hurt when it ended.

 

When we ended he told me he was going to see a therapist to work through stuff and he thought he loved his ex and was considering returning to her (despite the fact that he had not been happy and the reasons he was not happy could not be fixed). At time of break up he told me he was not going to date anyone else either while he figure out his stuff. He wanted to stay in touch with me and seemed very sad to being losing touch but I went no contact for 6 weeks as I was very hurt.

 

So last night I text him. I needed to know if he had been telling me the truth about our break up and what he was doing. I just needed to know. It started because I was on a dating site and there was a profile with his name but no picture and his location. I was suspicious so I decided to ask him if it was him?

 

Me: Are you on X dating site?

 

he immediately responds

Him: No, not dating at all. Why do you ask? How are you?!”

 

Me: There is an "_______" on there and I thought it might be you. I’m ok. You?

 

Him: I’m ok too. Things are getting better. I’ve been seeing a psychologist once a week since we broke up and it’s definitely helping. I’m moving into a condo at the end of the month. Much cheaper and more space. What’s new with you?

 

Me: Wow that’s great. I’m glad you are making things happen.

 

Him: How has the dating been? Is that none of my business?

 

Me: I have not dated yet. I don’t move that quick.

 

Him: Do you think we can hang out as friends sometime? To be honest I keep hoping to run into you when I’m on the streets close to your work.

Him: Sorry, if you’re not ready for that I understand. I remember what you told me.

 

Me: Not the best idea right now. Will you go back to your ex?

 

Him: Not now means you’ll be able to hang out at some point in the future? That would be nice. No, after 7 hours of therapy I’ve decided not to go back 2 my ex.

 

Me: Can I ask you something?

 

Him: Of course. Do you want to call me?

 

Me: No. was I just a rebound to you? or did I mean anything more?

 

Him: I think you’re special and I care about you so the answer is yes, you were more than a rebound.

Him: Are you home in bed? What’s new with you? How is everyone? (asks about best friend, her husband, and my sister)

 

Me: So you are looking to be friends with me? is that right?

 

Him: I’m content with being single and not dating at the moment. I’m not looking to be in a relationship with anyone.

Him: How come you won’t fill me in as to what’s new with you?

Him: You don’t want to talk?

 

At this point I just called him. We were on the phone for an hour. He said that he has never contacted the ex... just wrote her a closure letter (at suggestion of therapist which he never sent). Says he has been going from being upset a few times a week to just like once every other week. It was obvious to me in talking to him that he has stayed true to his word, he did break up with me because he wasn’t over her and he has been mourning her and obviously not really me which I expected but still makes me sad. He did say he misses me of course and then he does still have feelings for me but that he was conflicted in our relationship because of the feelings that resurfaced for her. I asked him when he realized he loved her and he said the last week of December which also holds true to everything he revealed before. Namely we had been happy for those 3 months and he wasn’t pretending.

 

So I basically told him everyone in my life is fine. I said I have not jumped into dating but I am on dating sites just haven’t found someone who jumps out at me yet. He told me he would love to see me after work and he also said it would be hard not to want to give me a big hug and want to hold my hand (as we used to do during coffee breaks). He said when he’s near my building he’s always hoping to see me so he can run and give me a big hug but didn’t know how I’d feel/react to that. I said if we were to meet we could not do any of that… that I m not going to be a friend with benefits.. to which he said that he is not like that and he doesn't do the friends with benefit thing... (which I know is true, this guy is a serial monogamist and he doesn't just "hook up" to hook up) to which I answered half joking, hugging and hand holding are not a friend benefit. he laughed. I asked him if he would be okay with me hanging out with him while dating others and he said he would be okay with that but reiterated that he would not be dating anyone else. That kind of hurt my feelings but I guess it’s the unselfish thing for him to do. Maybe he knew that if he said No, I would not hang out with him. that wouldn’t make any sense. Made me feel like he’s over me. So I said I would think about it and we could revisit this later.

 

The exchange made me feel better and worse. I mean the scenario is exactly what I have expected all along. I never thought he’d go back to the ex. I knew he just need time to think about it and grieve it. he told me when we broke up that he wasn’t planning on dating. So now I know he was being honest.

 

The thing is, what do I do now? This is the risky/scary part. Does he heal and date someone new with me out of the picture? Does me being out of the picture and more time prompt him to contact me when he’s ready to possibly embark on a new relationship? Or do I continue to see him on occasion, be his friend at a distance (occasional coffee in public settings) and see if it may lead somewhere (knowing that this option could lead to heartbreak… namely me moving to friend-zone, thinking he can have me back if he wants me and him meeting someone new)

 

I do feel like I need to see him one more time. For coffee, nothing dangerous, to see how I feel. To see if he still has power over me or if maybe I am okay to do this. He is such a good decent guy. He has never lied to me (at least not intentionally). I kind of don’t want to lose him from my life even if just as a friend. We had such a strong friend connection aside from the physical stuff.

 

I of course am going to start dating again and so he will not be my sole focus no matter which option I choose. I feel ready to get out there again and explore. I still have feelings for him but I no longer have all my eggs in one basket. Thoughts?

[dino9401]

I have thought about contacting my ex. You know that our scenarios are similar, being rebounds and all. She was very kind and affectionate during our relationship, but the week after we broke up she was very cold and unintentionally hurtful towards me. I think she moved right on to someone else, I'm not sure, don't really want to know. I would like to be friends with her someday. I feel like I really did lose a good friend in the process. We haven't spoken in almost 1.5 months. I don't know what she wants, but I know she was hurting from her previous relationship. It took me all this time to really realize and accept that. She is a bit younger than me and has some growing up to do, but I still do care about her and hope she finds happiness. I have been dating quite a bit. I have met a girl whom I have been spending some time with. I'm not sure what it will be or what I want it to be, but it does help keep my mind off of my ex. I have also gone out on dates with other girls. To be honest, I hate dating. I still think of my ex everyday, but not every second. I often wonder what she is up to and how she is feeling. I don't think she really misses me but I assume she may miss me as a friend also. We were friends before we started dating. Again, I toss up the fact to just send her a greeting to say hello, but I am not quite sure if I am ready for that.

 

I guess it depends on what you expect out of seeing your ex. Can you just be friends with him and discuss his relationships and you discuss your relationships with him? Are you hoping that maybe he will want you back? I sometimes think of why I would want to contact my ex. I know we will never be able to have a relationship again, but honestly if things were to happen and we hooked up, I would be okay with that. That's why I wonder if I am really ready to just be friends with her.

[septembermourning]

I don’t want him back right now because I know he’s not ready. But I do see that he is getting over her and becoming more available/healthy. If I felt that he was truly present then yeah I absolutely would want to try again (if I am still single). Although it was brief, we had an amazing relationship. We were really happy and he treated me like gold. I would forgive him for what happened because I know it was not intentional and he was very mature and kind about the whole thing. He was never insensitive and I know he didn’t realize what was going on and as soon as he did he was honest with me about it. If it was a happy relationship when he was not even 100% present, how great could it be if he were completely present? Perhaps it would be a total let down, who knows? But at least I’d finally have a chance to see it play out. I think that is what is killing me... the not knowing what could have been

 

I suppose I feel that when he is over her if our connection was strong/true he would want to re-explore what we had. If however when healed, he began to date someone else, I would then have my confirmation that I was merely an emotional airbag to tide him over during his healing. The question is should I be around to find out? Do I fade out into the distance or maintain some sort of limited contact? Which is the better way to go about it?

 

Not much feedback on here I suppose as the rebound is not real popular on a forum like this. Most people here want the rebound to fail and we usually do. I was just an innocent victim.

[dino9401]

I don't think the rebound thing is very popular either, especially since it wasn't necessarily a long term relationship. It still hurts just as much though. I've had my share of those. I go over in my head "what could have been". If you want to send me a message privately, that would be great. Maybe it's better to just talk about this with someone who can understand how awful being the rebound can be.

[sandrawg]

I'm with you, septembermourning..I was a rebound, too. My ex was fresh out of an LDR with a girl who didn't treat him well, yet he seemed to still be stuck on her. I was with him for about 3.5 months too..although we were sort of seeing each other for 2.5 months before that. We had amazing chemistry and a deep intellectual connection. We would talk every day, either by phone or IM. Today he got back to my breaking of NC to say, he can't handle an adult relationship with expectations and demands cuz he's too selfish. I'm not sure if he might go back to his ex.. I doubt it, but who knows. I don't want him back. I, too, am going to start dating.

[learning2relax]

The question is should I be around to find out?

 

A better question, and only one that you can answer is "DO you want to be around to find out?"

 

If you want to stay friends and only friends - stay in contact or limited contact. Probable outcome as you both move on weaning yourself from each other and moving on.

 

If you want to keep the door open to the possibility of reconciliation, I say NC is the best way to go. He has no support from you and feels the emptiness where you once were in his life. Still doesn't mean he will return or if he reaches out, he will want to reconcile but if he were to consider it - this may be the best way to allow the possibility to exist (again, no guarantees at all!)

 

If you want to keep the door open, you move on and later in life wish to reconnect as friends - more likely and possibly more successful and meaningful friendship. He would also have to be interested in the same for it to work.

[septembermourning]

I don't think the rebound thing is very popular either, especially since it wasn't necessarily a long term relationship. It still hurts just as much though. I've had my share of those. I go over in my head "what could have been". If you want to send me a message privately, that would be great. Maybe it's better to just talk about this with someone who can understand how awful being the rebound can be.

 

 

I PM'ed you fellow rebound.