septembermourning Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I have other posts on here re: my situation. 3.5 month relationship with someone who didn't realize he wasn't over his previous relationship. He appeared very serious about me and very happy the entire time until he suddenly ended it end of December blindsiding me. He set the pace for the relationship and it was very gradual and believable and I could see his feelings growing stronger through his actions and he also told me in words. He was very kind and loving to me always, his family and friends knew about me and at his prodding he met all the people near and dear to me. He talked about future things such as moving closer to me and taking me on a trip months out. Essentially he fit the checklist of someone who was in love or falling in love and that's why I was so shocked/hurt when it ended. When we ended he told me he was going to see a therapist to work through stuff and he thought he loved his ex and was considering returning to her (despite the fact that he had not been happy and the reasons he was not happy could not be fixed). At time of break up he told me he was not going to date anyone else either while he figure out his stuff. He wanted to stay in touch with me and seemed very sad to being losing touch but I went no contact for 6 weeks as I was very hurt. So last night I text him. I needed to know if he had been telling me the truth about our break up and what he was doing. I just needed to know. It started because I was on a dating site and there was a profile with his name but no picture and his location. I was suspicious so I decided to ask him if it was him? Me: Are you on X dating site? he immediately responds Him: No, not dating at all. Why do you ask? How are you?!” Me: There is an "_______" on there and I thought it might be you. I’m ok. You? Him: I’m ok too. Things are getting better. I’ve been seeing a psychologist once a week since we broke up and it’s definitely helping. I’m moving into a condo at the end of the month. Much cheaper and more space. What’s new with you? Me: Wow that’s great. I’m glad you are making things happen. Him: How has the dating been? Is that none of my business? Me: I have not dated yet. I don’t move that quick. Him: Do you think we can hang out as friends sometime? To be honest I keep hoping to run into you when I’m on the streets close to your work. Him: Sorry, if you’re not ready for that I understand. I remember what you told me. Me: Not the best idea right now. Will you go back to your ex? Him: Not now means you’ll be able to hang out at some point in the future? That would be nice. No, after 7 hours of therapy I’ve decided not to go back 2 my ex. Me: Can I ask you something? Him: Of course. Do you want to call me? Me: No. was I just a rebound to you? or did I mean anything more? Him: I think you’re special and I care about you so the answer is yes, you were more than a rebound. Him: Are you home in bed? What’s new with you? How is everyone? (asks about best friend, her husband, and my sister) Me: So you are looking to be friends with me? is that right? Him: I’m content with being single and not dating at the moment. I’m not looking to be in a relationship with anyone. Him: How come you won’t fill me in as to what’s new with you? Him: You don’t want to talk? At this point I just called him. We were on the phone for an hour. He said that he has never contacted the ex... just wrote her a closure letter (at suggestion of therapist which he never sent). Says he has been going from being upset a few times a week to just like once every other week. It was obvious to me in talking to him that he has stayed true to his word, he did break up with me because he wasn’t over her and he has been mourning her and obviously not really me which I expected but still makes me sad. He did say he misses me of course and then he does still have feelings for me but that he was conflicted in our relationship because of the feelings that resurfaced for her. I asked him when he realized he loved her and he said the last week of December which also holds true to everything he revealed before. Namely we had been happy for those 3 months and he wasn’t pretending. So I basically told him everyone in my life is fine. I said I have not jumped into dating but I am on dating sites just haven’t found someone who jumps out at me yet. He told me he would love to see me after work and he also said it would be hard not to want to give me a big hug and want to hold my hand (as we used to do during coffee breaks). He said when he’s near my building he’s always hoping to see me so he can run and give me a big hug but didn’t know how I’d feel/react to that. I said if we were to meet we could not do any of that… that I m not going to be a friend with benefits.. to which he said that he is not like that and he doesn't do the friends with benefit thing... (which I know is true, this guy is a serial monogamist and he doesn't just "hook up" to hook up) to which I answered half joking, hugging and hand holding are not a friend benefit. he laughed. I asked him if he would be okay with me hanging out with him while dating others and he said he would be okay with that but reiterated that he would not be dating anyone else. That kind of hurt my feelings but I guess it’s the unselfish thing for him to do. Maybe he knew that if he said No, I would not hang out with him. that wouldn’t make any sense. Made me feel like he’s over me. So I said I would think about it and we could revisit this later. The exchange made me feel better and worse. I mean the scenario is exactly what I have expected all along. I never thought he’d go back to the ex. I knew he just need time to think about it and grieve it. he told me when we broke up that he wasn’t planning on dating. So now I know he was being honest. The thing is, what do I do now? This is the risky/scary part. Does he heal and date someone new with me out of the picture? Does me being out of the picture and more time prompt him to contact me when he’s ready to possibly embark on a new relationship? Or do I continue to see him on occasion, be his friend at a distance (occasional coffee in public settings) and see if it may lead somewhere (knowing that this option could lead to heartbreak… namely me moving to friend-zone, thinking he can have me back if he wants me and him meeting someone new) I do feel like I need to see him one more time. For coffee, nothing dangerous, to see how I feel. To see if he still has power over me or if maybe I am okay to do this. He is such a good decent guy. He has never lied to me (at least not intentionally). I kind of don’t want to lose him from my life even if just as a friend. We had such a strong friend connection aside from the physical stuff. I of course am going to start dating again and so he will not be my sole focus no matter which option I choose. I feel ready to get out there again and explore. I still have feelings for him but I no longer have all my eggs in one basket. Thoughts? Link to comment
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.