playstheblues Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 General question... Dumper breaks no contact after considerable time to give a 'hope you are well message'. If you are wanting to reconcile, do you reply or simply just ignore? especially when it seems like the general crumb that everyone refers to? Is it just best to continue on with no hope because in all reality, they might miss you a little but usually not enough to want to reconcile? Link to comment
AC Slater Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Is it just best to continue on with no hope because in all reality, they might miss you a little but usually not enough to want to reconcile? yes. if they want to reconcile they'll give you more than "hope you are well". if they can't grow a pair and express themselves further beyond that then they're not even worth it. Link to comment
jolbell69 Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Hi ptb - personally I think it is entirely up to you. You need to decide what you believe he is saying with this text - it is breadcrumbs, but do you want to ignore it or reply in an equally ambiguous manner? Only you know your ex. Many here will tell you to ignore it, but listen to your gut and do what feels right for you. Link to comment
playstheblues Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 Hi ptb - personally I think it is entirely up to you. You need to decide what you believe he is saying with this text - it is breadcrumbs, but do you want to ignore it or reply in an equally ambiguous manner? Only you know your ex. Many here will tell you to ignore it, but listen to your gut and do what feels right for you. That's for your advice. How are you Jol? I hope everything is going well for you? My brother has been very unwell, collapsed etc and I found him- it was strange because all I wanted was some comfort from my ex and he unknowingly broke NC and sent me a text after almost 50 days saying hope you are well. Made me happy and sad at the same time. How are things going with you? How is your ex? Link to comment
jolbell69 Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Hi sweety - I'm doing ok... You can read all my updates on the 'getting back together support thread' - I have been having a difficult time lately, but not because of my ex. Anyway, I know we all need someone to hold when we are having a tough time, and that's when we miss our exes the most. Your brother being ill was traumatic I'm sure. I hope he is better now. If you want to reply to your ex - leave it for a few days, and then send him a short, ambiguous text. Just my opinion... Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I agree with jol on this ... there are obviously two ways here respond or ignore and although I "GET IT" that the dumper should be saying something with a bit of substance ..however ..even the dumper has to start somewhere ...they have to open the doors of communication .. and this is , as jol said ..down to you to follow any instincts you have about this. hope your bro is ok as well . Link to comment
dumPI Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 My opinion supposing the dumper wants to reconcile and based in what I've read from some dumpers here who want to reconcile. The dumpers might have been feeling guilt for hurting you. If you maintained strict NC they DON'T EVEN KNOW your current mindset. How are they supposed to know you want to reconcile? So they start testing the waters which is considered by the dumpee as breadcrumbs. If you look at their other choice: Coming back telling you directly that they want you back is also scaring the dumpee (there are some threads on the subject here where dumpees are scared of dumper coming off so strong after a while of NC). So what is my point? Breadcrumbs hurt because you are not healed. If you are not healed you NEED your ex back. So the whole process of overanalyzing, wondering what the ex is up to, what the ultimate intentions are ... starts again with every contact. If you are healed you WANT your ex but don't need him/her. To see that the problem is your mindset and not the breadcrumb, try to do this: let one friend of you read the texts, emails & answer them without telling you anything on the subject Link to comment
rosie smith Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 when it comes down to bread crumbs from an ex, you have to do what you think is right and you know your ex better than any one so if you think it is the correct thing to reply to him then do that, on the other hand the problem that i have with bread crumbs is that some times the ex can just use this as some sort of ego boost, and it is almost like if you reply to there message they know that you are constantly gonna be there for them and if they think that, they might also think that whilst the ex is waiting around for them they are ok to date other men/women at the same time. even though not all exs do this i just feel like there is a very fine between being there for an ex and them taking advantage of that fact, cause some do by ie, stringing you along whilst they date other people and other exs will want to get back to there ex... but i guess the thing that you need to think about is why would your ex just hand out bread crumbs when he could put the work in and try and be with you, that is some thing you need to think about and even if he did reach out you must make it work at things, cause if you don't do that again he might take advatage of that very fact. There are so many stories about people who take there exs too quickly and when they do that things never end well that is why the ex must work at things, cause they need to prove to you they are not just gonna up and leave you again. you know your ex better than any one else so jobel is right you have gotta go with your gut on this one, cause every ex is different and every situation has a different out come and if you think it is right to reply to his messages then do that, but on the other hand you just don't want to end up just becoming an option in your exs life cause if you go down that route personally i don't think it ever ends well. ps, just remember though what ever you do regarding your ex actions always speak louder than words Link to comment
blueplanet22 Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 A text message seems too easy in my opinion if someone is really interested, wouldn't they make a little more of an effort and take the risk of putting themselves out there? I wouldn't get your hopes to high, then you cannot come crashing back down. Link to comment
Prodromos Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I'd say that not replying often tells them you still care way too much and are in pain. Replying with just as brief and nonchalant message is the way to go, regardless of whether you want them back or not (All of that is assuming you ended things in a civil manner). If you want them back, then you are showing them you are fine, if you don't - then it is the courteous thing to do anyway. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I'd say that not replying often tells them you still care way too much and are in pain. Replying with just as brief and nonchalant message is the way to go, regardless of whether you want them back or not (All of that is assuming you ended things in a civil manner). If you want them back, then you are showing them you are fine, if you don't - then it is the courteous thing to do anyway. Disagree. By not replying, especially to a text that does not require a reply, you are showing that their communication did not really even light up on your radar screen. Sort of like spam -- you looked at it, and deleted it. It they really wanted to know if you were well, they would start a conversation -- either on the phone or in person. The text just seems like fishing.....are you interested in talking to me? If so, the ball is in your court. Don't take the bait. Link to comment
RedDress Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I agree that if there is to be reconciliation, the door has to open somehow. The thing you have to be wary of, though, is that it could be a one-time gesture of guilt or it could be a weird "let's be friends and confuse you" thing. To me, they get 5 "free" texts/emails. If they ask "how are you?" answer that question and only that question. So... an example of correct is "I'm fine, how are you?". An example of TMI is "OMG! I'm so glad you texted me, my fish died and blah, blah, blah!". To "I hope you are well" respond "I hope you are well too". After the 5th text, you hit them with "Hey... what are we doing here?" (it'll be out of place -just do it). At this point, explain that you are not interested in friends but if he/she would like to talk reconciliation, you'd love to go for a coffee to discuss". To me, that's showing the door is open but not being a doormat. But... I also don't believe in friends with exes, which may help. Link to comment
JLKLEE Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I think that if you want to reconcile you have to be careful about how you respond, but you still need to respond. If they say something like "Hey, how are you?" I think you should wait a few hours or even until the next day and respond "Great, you?". Keep it short and sweet. Link to comment
dumPI Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I think that if you want to reconcile you have to be careful about how you respond, but you still need to respond. If they say something like "Hey, how are you?" I think you should wait a few hours or even until the next day and respond "Great, you?". Keep it short and sweet. This waiting & answering later is keeping the mind games. What do people want to accomplish? That they don't care when they care? That they don't long for the ex when they long for the ex? The problem is you are faking that reaction. That's why you have to be able to heal completely before. Because then you are entering the possible reconciliation in a logical way where no text is going to make you tremble. Link to comment
playstheblues Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 Thanks everyone. So many conflicting views, all with good reasoning behind them. I'm choosing, in this instance, not to respond, because I happen to know through a mutual friend that my ex was feeling particularly sad that evening. I actually think it was him being selfish, not because he is thinking about my feelings. I dont know if him missing me is a start for maybe one day being able to consider reconciliation but I don't think it is, I think it's just one of those times that he did miss me, however as everyone else points out, missing and wanting to get back together are worlds apart. I think he's happy or seemingly happy with The life he has created now and erased me from so I have to live with that. Given all that, I'm choosing not to respond. He didn't ask me any questions and he hasn't contacted since so I'm just going to leave it. I used to be so supportive 'she's going through a hard time - I'm going to support him and when he realises he's made a mistake he'll thank me for being so amazingly supportive' only this isn't going to happen- he's just going to continue on so he can continue on without me, as that is the life he has chosen. Link to comment
rosie smith Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 i'm not saying this to be mean but be really careful with the whole mutual friends thing, cause the same way you can find out information through them about your ex, he can also do the same with you, and trust me when i say you really don't want that, cause the less he knows about you and your life and if you are missing him etc etc, the better, cause his mind will wonder and he will think about what you are up to and this is always a good thing ... (just a thought for you but personally the best thing i ever did was disapear from my exs and the mutual friends life cause that has been a big reason why so much changed with us!!) after a 9 year relationship he will miss you at times, and you will be in his thoughts and even if you think his life is great at the mo just remember you never know what goes on behind closed doors and not only that but you were a huge part of his life for a long time and that is another reason why he will never forget about you. if/when he does contact you again just keep the messages short and sweet and sure you will be fine. Link to comment
JA0371 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 This is really a toughie if you are the dumped. But I agree with the poster who said if you are going to respond, do so Without the head games. If you feel like you even need to play games, then don't respond at all. If you're racking your brain to reply to the most innocent text, then do not respond...basically, anything that takes you longer than five minutes to think about is an indication that you should say NOTHING. This is because you are still at an emotional disadvantage with this person. You only want to respond when you feel equal to their response as they do to yours. Otherwise everything else they say will be dissected and analyzed, when you should be able to go about your day and not give it a second thought. But again..as I said, it's not for the faint of heart when you are the one in the weaker position. Link to comment
Aqua066 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 My vote is to ignore, ignore, ignore. I've learned this the HARD way... trust me. Link to comment
playstheblues Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 My vote is to ignore, ignore, ignore. I've learned this the HARD way... trust me. See this is what I thought too, but now I'm second guessing my decision to not write back. Will he think I'm pathetic and immature? What if he doesn't contact again? I know- if he wants to reconcile, he will get in contact again, won't he? Link to comment
TriColors Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 PTB - What happens if you respond and he doesn't write back? There are so many things that could happen in this scenario. If he doesn't contact again then he wasn't interested in really reconciling with you in the first place. Link to comment
learning2relax Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 See this is what I thought too, but now I'm second guessing my decision to not write back. Will he think I'm pathetic and immature? What if he doesn't contact again? I know- if he wants to reconcile, he will get in contact again, won't he? Do you want him to contact again without the intent of reconciling? If he wants to reconcile - yes, he will most likely get int touch with you. Link to comment
Scuza Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 That's a very interesting way at looking at it... Never even thought about an idea like that! That idea could actually be very good if implemented well. If they persist communication, you confront them about it, and ask what exactly their motive is. If they just do it as a one time thing, then you never have to deal with it again. Exceptional post right here. Link to comment
playstheblues Posted February 18, 2012 Author Share Posted February 18, 2012 Thanks - all seems so clear when it isn't your own situation on you are dealing with. I never thought I would analyze a text or being deleted off Facebook. The last time he spoke he told me I had to let go because we wouldn't be getting back together. I didn't even respond to that message and went complete NC and have been ev since - almost 2 months. that's it. I have to remember- he does not want me in his life, he has chosen a Life without me. A text message does not change that- it simply means he was feeling down and sent that message in a moment of weakness. As soon as he was feeling strong again, he would have been back to concentrating his energy in forgetting about me, going out etc, making sure I am erased from his life. Link to comment
rapunzel Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 If you choose to ignore the text, it is well within your rights. You are going through a difficult time with the situation with your brother and if you need a reason or justification to not respond, there it is. You are emotionally unavailable at this time to respond to the text. If he contacts you again in the future, you can apologize and tell him the reason you did not respond (if you want, it is *certainly* not required). i agree if he wants to reconcile, he will contact you again and he will attempt to see you, in person. I watched my ex try to get his ex back and he specifically set up a meeting with her to do so. She was over him at this point, just wanted to be his 'friend' and he sunk into a deep depression. Link to comment
playstheblues Posted February 18, 2012 Author Share Posted February 18, 2012 If you choose to ignore the text, it is well within your rights. You are going through a difficult time with the situation with your brother and if you need a reason or justification to not respond, there it is. You are emotionally unavailable at this time to respond to the text. If he contacts you again in the future, you can apologize and tell him the reason you did not respond (if you want, it is *certainly* not required). i agree if he wants to reconcile, he will contact you again and he will attempt to see you, in person. I watched my ex try to get his ex back and he specifically set up a meeting with her to do so. She was over him at this point, just wanted to be his 'friend' and he sunk into a deep depression. Thanks- he will have no way of knowing about my brother unless I tell him or a mutual friend tells him. Part of me wonders whether he would even bother to get in contact of he found out, of if he only bothered to contact because he was feeling incredibly low and horrible at that point. I don't know if me responding would have made him feel better/worse anyway and of course, most of me wants to reply to 1) be in contact and 2) ease his suffering. All along I've tried to ease his suffering in whatever way I could, but he hasn't tried to ease mine! At one point he even said 'you need to draw a line- we will not be getting back together' except he had previously been saying that we probably would so he made me out to be the confused one- anyway- point being, ive tried to not let him suffer, but now I am trying to let him have exactly what he wanted which was a life without me. You Are right- I'm so worried about my brother - at the moment- I just went to check on him and he was really disoriented. Don't know whether it was just usual sleepy or something else- Argh!! Anxiety is running high as I'm so concerned by him and already wound up by this situation. Link to comment
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