Dibbs Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Long story short. We were together for about 10 months. It was definitely the best time of our lives (she told me that many times even after bu), the emotions were so high, we were so in love with each other it was hard to believe it, the sexual attraction was really enormous, we like and dislike the same things... etc. It really felt like we belong together. Unfortunately I've done and said some really stupid things (we're both 23 yo), but I never cheated on her. I was afraid to commit and I was telling her the exact opposite of how I really felt about her. One day she just couldn't put up with this anymore and decided to leave me. And it changed me right away. This really opened my eyes, I understood she was really the one for me, but I took her for granted and never told her how I really feel about her. I was devastated, I've done all the things they say not to do after being dumped. Begging, crying, promising I would change, flowers, letters, big romantic gestures... literally everything This went on for a few months. Basically she was keeping contact, I didn't really know why she was doing it since she broke up with me. Now I see it was only typical breadcrumbs. This was only creating false hope for me. Every time she contacted me I thought it was a sign she wants to reconcile, but that wasn't the case. She had some weaker moments, telling me she misses me, she thinks about us etc. but it didn't really meant anything. After about 4 months I told her not to contact me unless she wants to talk about us and reconcile. We kept no contact for about 1 month and I was starting to move on and getting my life back together. But one day I looked at my phone and saw a missing call from her... First I ignored it, assuming she must have dialed my number by accident or something. I don't really know why I did it but after a couple of days I asked her on FB why she called back then. After a few short conversations she said that it was something important and that she can tell me about it when we meet if I want to. I asked her to be sure, If she wants to talk about us, and she said yes. Unfortunately she's really busy with her studies and work right now and she can't get along with her mom (still lives with her parents) so she wasn't in mood to serious talk or she she simply didn't have free time. We tried to meet up for over a week, I didn't insist because I didn't want to come accross needy. But the longer this went on the more frustrated I was getting because I really wanted to get back with her and I still love her so much but I had to play tough and indifferent. So I insisted we meet on Valentines day, joking it's the perfect day for a conversation like the one we were about to have. She replied it's a good idea and I thought everything is going in the right direction and I will finally win her back. So I text her on V-day around noon, telling I will pick her up from work in the evening and take her to my place, where I had my room prepared, full of candles and a dinner which I made myself. She replied after some time something like "I don't know if this meeting is a good idea"... I was in total shock... after all she was the one that broke NC and wanted to meet and talk about us... I asked her what happened she changed her mind and she just replied she is afraid and that she thinks things are better for us like they are now. She called me later after work to talk about it, she seemed really unsure about all of this. I told her that what she is doing is really unfair and childish. She agreed and said we probably have to meet and talk about all this afterall. We had a nice long conversation, a lot of reminiscing about how we were great together and stuff. She said she's busy right now but she'll let me know when we can meet... This morning she asked me if I'm free tomorrow from 11:30 to 1 pm. I don't know if that's enough time to talk about reconciliation and actually get back together... Link to comment
meoww Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 She broke your heart on Valentine's day...she sucks, you may have had a hand in the break up but it's probably too late. It was hard reading this because I can totally imagine how you feel right now. End this charade as soon as you can. If you know deep down that she's lost respect for you she's really going to trample on your feelings eventually and leave you for someone else. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 You are young -- she is confused. That's it in a nutshell. Stop playing games, and "acting" one way or another. Not saying be a needy, emotional mess -- but just be honest. And if and when you talk, avoid the word reconciliation. You don't reconcile or "get back together" in an afternoon. It is an ongoing process, and both of you have to want to do it. You leaving her alone for this time period has her thinking -- but she is unsure. So just listen --- and don't jump the gun. Link to comment
Dibbs Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 She broke your heart on Valentine's day...she sucks, you may have had a hand in the break up but it's probably too late. It was hard reading this because I can totally imagine how you feel right now. End this charade as soon as you can. If you know deep down that she's lost respect for you she's really going to trample on your feelings eventually and leave you for someone else. Yeah that really sucked... I really thought this was it, because earlier she wouldn't even mention meeting up or talking about us. But at the same time, I'm not sure she is aware of what she is doing to me... giving me this emotional rollercoaster and throwing breadcrumbs all the time. I hope she doesn't cancel that meeting tomorrow again and that we will make a decision together to finally go one way or the other. I want to be with her and nothing less, I don't want to be her friend or ex boyfriend she has contact with... Link to comment
Dibbs Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 You are young -- she is confused. That's it in a nutshell. Stop playing games, and "acting" one way or another. Not saying be a needy, emotional mess -- but just be honest. And if and when you talk, avoid the word reconciliation. You don't reconcile or "get back together" in an afternoon. It is an ongoing process, and both of you have to want to do it. You leaving her alone for this time period has her thinking -- but she is unsure. So just listen --- and don't jump the gun. I understand it's a process but I'd like us to make a decision whether we are trying or not and STICK to it Link to comment
TheManinBlack Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Personally I believe to do that on that date was pretty cruel but at least you learned a fair amount from what transpired about her character. This is exactly why NC and not appearing too eager when they initiate what appeared to be meaningful contact is important. Seems like you have handled it pretty well honestly. My opinion is that she was on a recon mission to see if you were still available to her in the event she desired to start things back up. After the earlier over the top gestures (Which many of us have done and learned from in the past) NC began to eat at here and was not accustomed to how she was feeling without you being available in her life. She wanted the power back that she felt she had lost in the situation. Evidently she has feelings for you but I think this made you alot stronger. Link to comment
Dibbs Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 She wanted the power back that she felt she had lost in the situation. I agree and I'm afraid I gave her that power back again Link to comment
TheManinBlack Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I agree and I'm afraid I gave her that power back again I think you are doing pretty well. As much as we would like to be machines without emotions it is impossible and we can second guess till the cows come home. If she wants to be back with you she will go out of her way to show you. You made it through the toughest part and went NC previously so you will find it much easier to revert to that if you deem it necessary. Link to comment
Dibbs Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 I think you are doing pretty well. As much as we would like to be machines without emotions it is impossible and we can second guess till the cows come home. If she wants to be back with you she will go out of her way to show you. You made it through the toughest part and went NC previously so you will find it much easier to revert to that if you deem it necessary. I can see clearly that deep inside she want us back together but she's too afraid to do anything about it. I wish I knew how to convince her that we would be so happy together considering I don't have commitment issues anymore and that I really learned a lot from this breakup Link to comment
flatplane Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I wish I knew how to convince her that we would be so happy together considering I don't have commitment issues anymore and that I really learned a lot from this breakup Even if you could convince her, would you honestly want to? She has to want to come back of her own volition. She shouldn't need any convincing. If she does it isn't the right time IMO. Link to comment
Dibbs Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 Even if you could convince her, would you honestly want to? She has to want to come back of her own volition. She shouldn't need any convincing. If she does it isn't the right time IMO. You're probably right. After she broke NC I assumed she wants to reconcile since she wanted to meet up and talk about us. Cause what else could it be, right? But now after this damn Vday I don't know what to expect from her... Link to comment
pepsi71ocean Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 i feel its worth logging in to add my .02cents to this. My current gf and i are on the path to reconciliation, and getting back together. We were together for 3 years before i did the same thing and said some stupid things, got into arguments etic. What has happened is her heart says yes, but her brain says no. What i had to do was just be there for her, and withing time she came to realize that she needed me as much as i needed her. in the end our break(she broke up with me) made us stronger. What you need to decide is weather or not you want to be with her, if you do you must reignite the spark, take her out have that discussion over lunch and say you want to get back together but take things slow. that is exactly how i went about it. But every woman is different, and if you really know this girl you will know how to go about getting her back, the NC has indeed done its job, but now you need to convince her brain to trust you, something that will be hard, but if you can prove it then do it. EDIT: I should add she pulled the same stunt, abit though it was not on VD day. She was getting cold feet, afraid to get hurt, you should put some pressure onto just meeting up for lunch, or to go see dinner and a movie, but just to show her that affection. it was the way i got lori and i to come back together. Link to comment
learning2relax Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I understand it's a process but I'd like us to make a decision whether we are trying or not and STICK to it If ONLY it were that easy........ Link to comment
Dibbs Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 Ok I just came back from lunch with her. I guess it went pretty ok. We both said how we feel about us. She said she has sometimes weaker moments when she really wants us back together but then she changes her mind. She told me that generally she never comes back to something that ended for a reason but she can't help thinking about me even after 6 months after BU and that she knows what we had was really special. I proposed in my eyes the most reasonable solution in this situation. I told her that these thoughts probably won't go away quickly and we both might think until the end of our lives what it would be like if we decided to reconcile. So the best thing to do is to take it slowly, renew contact, call each other and talk, hang out, go to some movie, for a walk or on dinner etc. and see how it feels like after some time. Of course without any declarations and expectations so that nobody gets hurt again. I made it clear I don't want to be friends and that this period of slowly getting to know each other again will be just to see if there's a real chance if we can be together eventually. She agreed it's a good and reasonable idea but she clearly stated she can't promise anything and that "we will see"... What do you think ? Link to comment
pepsi71ocean Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 well played. IMO at this point you need to charm and show her you care, but take it slow. I was in the same boat as you, and after a while we slowly got back together. Her heart has won her mind over, but you must win her mind back. Show her you care, and love her, and you will get back together. You need to be there, and hold her up, support her etic. In the end our break made us stronger, and she found that with me in her life she couldn't be without me. Link to comment
learning2relax Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I think you need to be very careful about "convincing" someone to be in a relationship with you. It is you that is convincing them, not them making a decision for themselves. Link to comment
Dibbs Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 I think you need to be very careful about "convincing" someone to be in a relationship with you. It is you that is convincing them, not them making a decision for themselves. I don't think I was trying to convince her. I just told her what I think of this situation and made a proposition without insinting. I asked her what she thinks about it and she agreed this is the most reasonable thing to do. Link to comment
Dibbs Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 well played. IMO at this point you need to charm and show her you care, but take it slow. I was in the same boat as you, and after a while we slowly got back together. Her heart has won her mind over, but you must win her mind back. Show her you care, and love her, and you will get back together. You need to be there, and hold her up, support her etic. In the end our break made us stronger, and she found that with me in her life she couldn't be without me. Thanks! Did you also start off slowly as "friends" without any declarations? How long did that period last? Link to comment
pepsi71ocean Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 I don't think I was trying to convince her. I just told her what I think of this situation and made a proposition without insinting. I asked her what she thinks about it and she agreed this is the most reasonable thing to do. I agree, there is no convincing, its more like showing her how you care. Thanks! Did you also start off slowly as "friends" without any declarations? How long did that period last? we split up on a Thursday, and then went out for a drink(i invited her) on a Sunday. We then went out Tuesday to lunch, Then she got sick i took care of her and held her hand and was there for her that Thursday, (so 1 week), and she was overwhelmed with my level of dedication. this kept up for a few weeks, before we finally decided to go out again. it took time to "convince" her that our love was real. She was hurt, and is still afraid that i might hurt her again, even though it has been a few months and were still going strong. I just knew i couldn't push her to say yes, you have to get her to want to. And of course she also admitted that she needed me as much as i needed her. She needs me for an emotional pillar, because things are not so hot with her room mate. So im her shoulder to cry on, the one who listens to her when she is all emotionally needy. it works, but like i said every girl is different. Link to comment
pepsi71ocean Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Thanks! Did you also start off slowly as "friends" without any declarations? How long did that period last? I Forgot to answer your question, it took a long time maybe a month or so, before we got to be remotely intimate. It is a snail craw, but you need to be there, and be willing to be the cuddle buddy, and the shoulder to cry on, eventually you guys will start hanging out, and once she and i started hangin out more often, next thing it was going over for dinners, then before i knew it we were back together Link to comment
Dibbs Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 Tomorrow is her birthday... how do you think I should act? Casual wishes by text? call her? go to her place with flowers (well that probably would be stupid) Link to comment
pepsi71ocean Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 i would call her up and wish her a happy birthday, and just be casual about it. you guys aren't dating but maybe something sweet like chocolate or something would be a good gesture, or something that she likes. Link to comment
Dibbs Posted March 9, 2012 Author Share Posted March 9, 2012 Well that didn't work out at all. We haven't even met once. But she kept calling and texting and flirting with me so I decided to end this because I don't want be her friend. She said that "for now, she thinks it's impossible for us to be together" I asked her to contact me only if it's about reconcilitiation and that she has to be sure about it (not like last time) So NC it is... I'm leaving the country in about 2 months, don't know when I'll be back but not sooner than after summer. She asked me to let her know when exactly my plane is leaving... don't know if that's really necesarry Link to comment
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