jonessoda Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Both of us are 24 and we've been together for about 3 years now. We see each other very often (5-6 times a week), but are both busy with studies, therefore even when we see each other, we are both studying and doing work. The other part of it is that she is Christian and I'm a atheist. I've bugged her about sex many times, but she won't and I have come to respect that, however I do mention it (according to her quite often). So since we aren't able to go all the way, when it's usually just us, my hands are "busy". Such as when I see her and we hug, I would put my hands in her pants and touch her bum. Or if we were sitting on the couch watching a movie, I would put my hand in her shirt and sort of touch her skin and such... Anyways, today I mentioned sex again (well to be fair, she showed me pictures of valentines day pic of people on fb and I'd make stupid comments like "atleast he got laid at the end of the night for spending that much money -- lucky bastard, not like me...") and she got really annoyed. She even said she didn't like me touching her all the time. I'm not sure what to do... But for the rest of the night, I've kept my hands off of her and am bitter about this... I really do love this girl, but i do feel that these things do make us closer. Am I too shallow? I'm not quite sure what to do... Should I just give in to her? If it were up to me, I would love to do more than hold hands and kiss... Any advice? Thanks. Link to comment
Circe Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 No - you aren't "shallow" -but you are handling this the wrong way. For one thing, you are pressuring her. For a second thing - this pressure is turning her off you; off sex; and off being touched by you. First - have a frank discussion with her about how she feels about intimacy. Is it related to her religious beliefs? What makes her feel guilty? Is it just sex or is she uncomfortable with other stuff as well? Is it just your groping her which reminds her that you want sex, thus turning her off and making her uncomfortable - or does she feel any kind of intimacy is just point blank wrong? You have to have an honest conversation - without getting angry or emotional - and figure out what she's thinking. Second - once she's told you how she feels - accept that if its related to her religious beliefs. Don't try to change it around to mean something else. Don't think it will change. Third - ask yourself if you can accept that and still be with her. If you can't accept it - move on because if you stay with her acting the way you are now things will just go downhill and you'll effectively be wasting each other's time. If her feelings are related to non-religious fears - maybe she would agree to seeing a counsellor to work through them - IF that's what she wants. But it has to be her decision.. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I agree that you are pressuring her and it's probably annoying and upsetting her. HOWEVER....... 3 years is a long time to be in a relationship without sex. I understand why you are ancy. Have you two discussed what is going on? Does she want to wait until marriage? What's the deal? If she's very religious and you are not, does that cause other problems in the relationship? Have you two talked about marriage and kids? Obviously, I have more questions for you than answers, but it seems like you two need to figure out if you are on the same page. If you aren't, I suggest breaking up and finding a woman you can get randy with!! Link to comment
jonessoda Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 To answer the questions; -- Yes it is just sex because of religious beliefs. We have done other stuff as well, but there has been times where she would say that we shoudln't do it anymore... but it is not frequent at all. I'm not sure if the groping reminds her of sex -- that I am not too sure about. I think she just does not like me doing it all the time (but in a way I guess I do it as compensation for not really getting much else...) Link to comment
jonessoda Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 I agree that you are pressuring her and it's probably annoying and upsetting her. HOWEVER....... 3 years is a long time to be in a relationship without sex. I understand why you are ancy. Have you two discussed what is going on? Does she want to wait until marriage? What's the deal? If she's very religious and you are not, does that cause other problems in the relationship? Have you two talked about marriage and kids? Obviously, I have more questions for you than answers, but it seems like you two need to figure out if you are on the same page. If you aren't, I suggest breaking up and finding a woman you can get randy with!! Yes she wants to wait until marriage. And yes religion has caused other problems in the relationships where she'd like me to go to chruch with her. It is essentaily religion and sex that we butt heads over... However, I could see myself potentially marrying her one day and that conversation has come up. ... It's frustrating... obviously sex shouldn't be a the biggest thing (where obviously religion means more to her) in terms of arguments, but yea... guess I need to ask myself how much longer I will have to wait... I honestly don't see myself getting married for atleast another 2 years (if we were to). Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I think this is not the right girl for you due to the religious differences - because her faith is very important. You would both be better of with partners who are closer to your own individual beliefs, and in that case, the sexual issues would be less likely to arise. Link to comment
jonessoda Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 wow... that's definitiely not something I wanted to hear... hmm -- It's just so hard, because we click on everything else. ... Yes will need to definetly think hard on this... $@%#! Link to comment
Lonewing Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Yeah, and religion kills a good thing...in spite of the reality that you had going... I think it's a real pity, at the end of the day... Link to comment
jonessoda Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 I dono... the more i think about it the more I don't want to have this conversation... Its not liek we never have... in fact we have had this argument atleast once a year... The reason we've been together this long is I think deep down both of us believe there is a possibility. Why else would we still be together for this long? (in fact, her aunt is married to a non-christian) Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 i would really confront these issues head on instead of sticking your head in the sand and avoiding the topic. I mean these are BIG topics - the issue of religion and sex. What if she wants your kids and you to go to church every week? It's one thing when you're dating to not have your boyfriend with you at church, but looks very very strange for your husband not to be at church with you. Unless she is ok with going to church by herself while you sleep in on Sundays. Though I imagine she would get pressure from peers at her church and people questioning why her husband doesn't join her, etc.... And sex! Are you going to be ready to marry her soon? Do you want to? What if you get married and she only wants to have sex a few times a year? I get that you click on everything else, but sex and religion are SUCH BIG PARTS of a marriage. Kind of overwhelms a mutual like of Chinese food and tennis, know what I mean? Link to comment
Stay_home Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 The other part of it is that she is Christian and I'm a atheist. Unless you're willing to wait until marriage which goes by her Christian beliefs then I don't think this relationship will workout. Sorry. Another uphill battle you face is the fact is that just because say if you married her, that still doesn't mean that their won't be further discussion necessary. What about when it comes to raising your children? Or living arrangements? Can she sleep over at your place without feeling as if she's shacking in with you? You definitely get a medal for waiting three years and no sex, not sure I would ever do anything like that. I'm guessing you probably knew about her religious beliefs going into this relationship but perhaps you were hoping things would change? Link to comment
PhilliesFan001 Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 To be honest I think 3 years in a sexless relationship is tough, I couldn't do it, but I don't think you can necessarily be bitter about it - if her faith is this strong, presumably you knew about it going into the relationship so what were you expecting? You need to talk to her about it and be honest - you know she's waiting until marriage, that most likely won't change if her religious beliefs are important. If you don't want to wait for that, it's perfectly fine - but then you two need to be with other people, bottom line. Maybe you should be with someone with similar values. And for now, stop putting your hand on her bottom or in her pants - it's frustrating and annoying being touched like that when you don't want to be. And stop the comments like "They're getting laid and I'm not." You know what her values are, you know she wants to wait, so you either put up with it or you don't. If you choose to stay with her, you need to respect her, and that means not slipping your hand in her pants or making those comments about other people. If you can't do that, and it's understandable you can't, then maybe it won't work out. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 I firmly believe that people who are not religious should never marry a very religious person (i.e., religious enough to abstain from sex or feel guilty about sex, religious enough to expect to attend church constantly, pay tithing to the church, raise the kids in the church etc.). That is a huge difference in value systems and the friction will only escalate after marriage, especially after kids get involved. She may want to spend her free time in church activities, and want to take the kids with her and raise them in the church, while you spend you weekends alone because you don't believe the same things she does and you will resent the time and effort and money she poors into religious activities and her 'brainwashing' the kids to put religion above you and your own values. I've seen many cases where religious/non-religious people marry and it ends up being a cold, angry, and resentful marriage because of the huge gap in value systems where one is angry because the other person won't participate in religious life, and the other is angry that the religious person devotes their time and efforts to religion and usually they have a rotten sex life because people who abstain for religious reasons before marriage frequently are sexually suppressed and are not into sex all that much becasue they perceive sexuality in a different way/function that non-religious people do. Many very religious people also limit their sexual variety and refuse to do lots of 'normal' sex activitiess such as oral sex or varying sexual positions because they see it as dirty or perverted. And i have sadly known lots of people who use the 'no sex because i'm religious' excuse, but after marriage it turns out the person just doesn't like or want sex or views it is wrong or dirty unless it is about procreating kids, and once the kids arrive, the sex is totally stopped. Someimtes a religious upbringing can really repress the person sexually, and that repression stays throughout life. The point is your GF and wife is the one person you can have sex with, and you are expected not to have sex wtih anyone else. So why choose a GF who doesn't want to have sex? She'd make a great friend, but not a great GF/wife, because you do enjoy sex and don't believe in her religion. I think your problem here is you are attached to her emotionally, but you are incompatible on a sexual and religious values level. That is unfortunately something you can't ignore, and perhaps you need to keep her as a friend (if she's willing) but find a woman who wants romance and sex and is not religious if you aren't religious either. she needs to find someone who is active in her church and compatible on a religious/lifestyle level. Link to comment
ally765 Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 i feel that i can work out but its not easy.. you need to really be able to respect her and be able to wait..you have to decide if shes worth that wait until marriage and how much she means to you. my bf and i have been together 3 years and havent had sex (yet) and we arent even strong catholics (no church every sunday or anything) but i think physical contacts still important in a relationship Link to comment
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