hidlaw72 Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Hi. My husband and I have been married 17 years. For the past 4 years, he's lived/worked 450 miles away. When he was transferred up there, he was told he could transfer back down in 2 years. Now he is told this will not happen. (he works in Corrections. They are laying off like crazy, but is in a prison no one wants to work in. His position is safe). I am a teacher with 2 teenagers at home. The kids and I do NOT want to move up there with him. I also don't want to lose my job security. He wants us to move up there, mostly so he doesn't have to drive down here every 2 weeks anymore. I understand his frustrations, but I still can't move, even with his endless guilt trips. Our marriage is solid. There is no possibility of divorce, because we love each other too much. When we met on a blind date, it was like Sleepless in Seattle, when Annie met Sam. "Magic". Like we've know each other our whole lives. The thing is I think our marriage is BETTER not living together. Am I crazy to want to be separated like this? It's sad to say but we've lived apart for so long, we would drive each other crazy if we were together every day! (is this a good time to bring up he is a control freak and ultra critical about everything? And so moody! LOL). I'm also happy making my own daily choices. Marriage, with a touch of freedom. I know my husband doesn't want to move back down here by choice. He would transfer for me, but I know he likes living up there. He hates the town I live in. Anyone ever heard of two people living long distance by choice like this? Friends and family just don't understand I'm happier the way things are. Just wondering. Thanks! Heidi Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I honestly can't fathom why anyone who is married would want to be LD by choice. I'm currently in a long distance marriage myself (and I suppose it IS by choice). We started out and have always been LD though (separate countries) but ending that distance has always been there - it's never been an open ended thing, we knew it wanted to end. While I would do this distance a million times over if the universe promised me my husband at the end every single time, I loath every mile beween us, all 4,000 of them. i loath every second I get to miss with him, all those little moments a couple gets... I just don't understand it. I read a lot of how you felt about being LD while married but what does your husband say about it? Does HE feel better when you are apart? Does he feel like your marriage is stronger since you don't live together full time? Link to comment
DN Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Anyone ever heard of two people living long distance by choice like this?This isn't correct though, is it? He isn't doing this by choice because he is the one who has that horrendous drive and wants you to move up there. Doesn't sound like much of a marriage to me and you don't seem as if you do actually love him the way you describe him and the fact you are happier without him. Link to comment
Circe Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 This isn't correct though, is it? He isn't doing this by choice because he is the one who has that horrendous drive and wants you to move up there. Doesn't sound like much of a marriage to me and you don't seem as if you do actually love him the way you describe him and the fact you are happier without him. If it works for you, who am I to question that - but I have to admit I thought the same thing DN posted above. I guess it's just hard for me to understand how you have a rock solid marriage on one hand with the romantic flare of love at first sight and magic etc etc - and yet prefer living alone to living with him. Plus.. "moody".."ultra critical"..."control freak" - if you describe him this way - is everything really rock solid? Anyway - sticking with your question - no I don't know anyone who would be happier living separated from their husband while still feeling happy in the marriage. But - it doesn't matter what other people do or feel like as long as you are happy. The thing is, I don't think your husband is happy with the arrangement and he clearly wants it to end. Since you love him - doesn't this concern you? I mean.. I can't imagine wanting a situation that makes my husband unhappy to continue forever just because it makes me happy. So I think you should think about that. If he isn't happy with this arrangement and it doesn't change - that could be very detrimental to his willingness to keep this going the way it is - whether that means divorce, or meeting someone else, I don't know. Is it worth the risk? Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Marriage, with a touch of freedom. ^^ I think THIS is what it's all about for you. It's like having your cake and eating it too - being married and the security it brings, but not having to put up with your husbands moods etc. I'm not too sure how "rock solid" this marriage will be, given that he's clearly not happy with the LD arrangement and your unwillingness to join him. The only LD marriages I know of are not by choice. Link to comment
Circe Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 ^^ plus, you call it a "touch" of freedom but it's far, far more. A touch of freedom is going out by yourself with your own friends one night and really letting loose. Or Maybe taking a holiday by yourself (which some married couples do).. Link to comment
WhenWillILove Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 If it works for the both of you, why not? Seems unconventional but what the heck...... Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 If it works for the both of you, why not? Seems unconventional but what the heck...... The point is that it only seems to be working for HER and her husband doesn't seem too happy with it. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 The point is that it only seems to be working for HER and her husband doesn't seem too happy with it. Exactly. i'm in a long distance marriage and while we chose to marry before I moved to be with him (for a vareity of reasons) I think it's INSANE someone would be okay with living apart while married. IMO, it speaks volumes that your marriage isn't rock solid. Link to comment
journeynow Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 If you are both happy, committed, communicating, and care about the happiness of the other, you can make your marriage however you want. Some couples don't share bedrooms, some couples share a business and are together 24-7, some travel apart...marriages can be as individual as the people in it. Does he also feel it is better not living together and believe there is no possibility of divorce? Do you drive up there every two weeks to spend time with him, and if not, would he like that? Link to comment
Huntress0527 Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 This isn't correct though, is it? He isn't doing this by choice because he is the one who has that horrendous drive and wants you to move up there. Doesn't sound like much of a marriage to me and you don't seem as if you do actually love him the way you describe him and the fact you are happier without him. Agreed. It's her choice but not his choice. I think there is something wrong if two people that are married and love each other want to be apart for long extended periods of time. It's one thing if you cannot help it ie military reasons etc but not by choice. That's just me though. Link to comment
velvette Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 how does your husband feel about it? I know a couple who are happily together but prefer to live away from each other. their personalities grate on each others' nerves, and they need their space! but they are a great couple in the times they are together, so if it works, whatever! Link to comment
chitown9 Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 OP, I think that it would only be fair for you to make the long drive to see him on occasion. I am sure your husband would be pleased if you did that... Link to comment
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