SuperDuper Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I have received some help with this issue but feel I may have missed some details. (I'll keep it brief) I've been seeing this girl off and on for about 3 months, we've had sex only once back in early January. Since then we've met up a few times and got intimate but no sex. I'm fine with just being FWB as long as we spend time together. I feel like I want to see her more often but she's only free 3-4 times a week. For the past week or 2 I would text her to see if she's free one of those nights but nothing materialized. The mixed signals I'm getting are: She says she isn't interested in anybody else. She said she doesn't want me to like her because she's moving away (likely) in 3-4 months. She's very sexual/playful when we meet... the last time being ~ 2 weeks ago She sometimes won't respond to my texts, then she responded once the next day saying "What am I missing tonight? after I suggested a fun time Do I go No Contact until she initiates? I want to see her pretty badly, and feel that it's not my need to be in a relationship, but my urge to get more sexual memories with a girl I connect with so well. I want to be straight up but would rather meet her face-to-face to be real (but playful)... I'm feeling frustrated and deterred from my goal. I have't texted her since Sunday... avoided Valentines' Day... and here I am... with an urge to text her to meet tomorrow. What's a guy to do? Thank you Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I get the impression she only views this as a friendship, and you are after sex (which you freely admit). Also, she mentioned she's moving away, so it's possible she doesn't want to get too involved either way. Link to comment
SuperDuper Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 That's what confuses me... she has driven over to my place on a few different occasions in the evening to spend the night (once resulting in sex)... that's what friends do? We're very honest and open with each other in person but I don't want to seem emotional or anything if I say this over text. Perhaps she just wants sex... and that's fine... I just want to know what she's thinking so I can provide that service. I don't need to be emotionally attached. Also, she doesn't like hearing stories about me hooking up with other girls (I don't bring them up..) despite asking me about them. Girls in the past that is. I'm super confused... Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Ok, so you had sex with her ONCE, in January. Yes, it happens. She may have changed her mind afterwards and doesn't see this as anything more. My vote still goes for her seeing this as a friendship only, but you wanting more (sex). Link to comment
SuperDuper Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 Ok, so should I just back off completely..? That's going to be hard for me but I could do it. It's just so frustrating for me because the last time I was at her place like 2 weeks ago she was clearly ready for sex (trust me) but I wasn't feeling great so we just fooled around a bit. She said it's ok because it's just a taste... I don't act this way with my other girl-friends, and she isn't very promiscuous so I feel she's the same. I'm not trying to justify that she wants anything because she very well might not, perhaps she's just slowly backing off to keep our friendship we had beforehand intact. She also wanted to meet up Saturday night but I missed her text at midnight. Back off? Ask her in a cool/calm manner? ... Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I would wait for her to make the next contact, that way you can really see how interested she is. Link to comment
Deciduous Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Hi superduper, This lady isn't a keeper. She's had a clear opportunity to develop the relationship and she's not taken it. Therein lies your answer, sadly. Nothing has moved forward since your hook-up in January. The reason?? She doesn't want it to. If she'd felt a strong pull towards you, she would act on it (she'd have little choice) and let the future take care itself. That has not happened. True, you can point to the little signs that indicate interest, but I'm afraid, it's the big signs that count. You are not in a relationship with her. The scores are in and the ballot papers have been counted. She has made her choice. She shows no inclination to change it, unfortunately. Deci Link to comment
SuperDuper Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 Ok I'll do that, thanks a lot Capricorn. Still can't help but feel regretful that IF we hooked up that night, or IF I answered her message then I wouldn't be in this position. But I suppose there's no point in dwelling on the past because who really knows... Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 This lady isn't a keeper. She's had a clear opportunity to develop the relationship and she's not taken it. Therein lies your answer, sadly. Nothing has moved forward since your hook-up in January. The reason?? She doesn't want it to. If she'd felt a strong pull towards you, she would act on it (she'd have little choice) and let the future take care itself. That has not happened. True, you can point to the little signs that indicate interest, but I'm afraid, it's the big signs that count. You are not in a relationship with her. The scores are in and the ballot papers have been counted. She has made her choice. She shows no inclination to change it, unfortunately. ^^ YEP, that's my take on it too. OP: I think it's all wishful thinking on your part. Link to comment
SuperDuper Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 Thanks Deciduous, just saw your reply. I'm confused by it slightly though.. you said it hasn't progressed because she hasn't wanted it to... but she was willing to hook up 2 weeks ago and seemed keen to meet again. I'm going to go NC until she initiates, that's for sure.. but I still feel like she has some interest or she wouldn't have wanted to meet up this past weekend? I now feel like I'm making excuses but also don't at the same time. It seems as if a simple convo with her would clear the air and we could still hook up! (We agreed to avoid being labelled BF/GF and just have fun with it as she's moving away..) You ladies are likely right though... I'll lower my expectations right now Link to comment
SuperDuper Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 On a side note, can you give me any advice to stop feeling so regretful? As if I could have hooked up with those extra 1-2 times that may have created a deeper connection for her. It's counter-productive thinking I know but I can't help it. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I see so many posts on this forum from people who want FWBs because they are "simpler" than relationships. However, most FWBs I read about tend to have the same level of drama, and in many cases, much more than regular relationships. OP, there is way to much drama and angst here for just a hook up. You would be much better off if you walked away from this...in the grand scheme of life, sex memories with a fling are really not that important. She is leaving in a few months so there really is no point in pursuing this. Link to comment
Deciduous Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 On a side note, can you give me any advice to stop feeling so regretful? As if I could have hooked up with those extra 1-2 times that may have created a deeper connection for her. It's counter-productive thinking I know but I can't help it. Hello SuperDuper, Apologies for being a little unclear. I meant "emotionally speaking" she had not chosen to develop the relationship. She's had every opportunity to speak up. And in fact she has. She has truthfully told you that she is not looking to develop things with you. She has no motivation to lie. I know this is terribly painful to hear, but the trick is to be honest with yourself. Examine your own motivation. Admit you want more than you've gotten. You have feelings. Nothing wrong with that. But problems arise when we don't listen to what the other person is saying and put our own hopeful spin on things. I have done this myself. We've all done it from time to time. But at some point, for our own emotional well-being, we need to be courageous enough to view the situation with a brutally honest eye, and set about protecting our emotions from that point onwards. Essentially what she has gotten, is what she is happy with. The odd hook-up should you both be in the mood and her in the vicinity. Is this enough for you, given your deepening feelings for the lady? It is disappointing and very, very hurtful to realise that some-one is not in the same emotional place as us. Yes you can continue to live in hope that she might change her mind. Alternatively you can admit things are not as you'd wished, as you want or as you need - and they are unlikely to spontaneously change in future. Deal with the pain of disappointment now, rather than putting it off for another day, when it will be even more devastating as your attachment grows. Look the situation in the eye. For my money, if you had sleep with her more often, deepening feelings would have occurred on your side, but not necessarily on hers. She seems pretty clear where she stands. Take care of yourself Deci Link to comment
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