Still trying to get my ex back......

[bloobloobloo]

I haven't posted for advice for a few weeks as i have been on vacation.

 

Basically i have been split up with my ex since april last year but in reality we were spending most of our spare time together until september when she told me we needed to go our separate ways and there was no chance for us. We maintained nc for a bout 6 weeks and since november we have been in contact sporadically and twice within this time when i have gotten close she has insisted on no contact again but circumstances have lead to contact being established.... once by me and once by her.

 

Just after new year i emailed her looking to meet to either discuss getting back together or for some final closure on matters. after initially agreeing she then backed off but we had contact every couple of days on life in general until i went on vacation on 21st jan. Whilst away she agreed to look after our dog but insisted it was dropped of and collected from a friend so we didn't have to see one another.

 

Whilst i was away she said i could collect the dog from her upon my return but seemed very angry, i assume as i was away enjoying myself for the first time since we parted and she was not ?! I collected the dog and we shared a laugh or 2 about old times but as she had intimated she wasn't ready to discuss the relationship i didn't push matters but text her later that night to say i was thinking of her and it was good to see her..... she text me saying that it wasn't good idea we had contact again and i assume this was because she had seen me and had decided she wasn't ready ..... I called her up and we talked for an hour and a half during which she told me she didn't believe i had truly changed and she couldn't see a way back for us, i foolishly spent the night at another girls house whilst she was on holiday which left her no option but to finish things and move out of my apartment. During the conversation i told her i understood that actions speak louder than words and that i would prove to her that i had changed and really wanted another chance at trying again. She said she couldn't see it but admitted never say never. We finished by agreeing to give each other a bit of time..... I decided this was fine but have since heard from friends she has been really unhappy with this guys she has been seeing and also keeps bringing up the length of time we have been apart without ever going in to the details.

 

I sent her flowers for valentines yesterday and just wrote that i hope they make her smile.... she replied and thanked me for them saying there was no need but she smiled.

 

I see a lot of people on here giving in too early and forcing the issue when trying to get their ex back and my problems that although progress, if thats what it is is 3 steps forward and 2 back that it is becoming increasingly difficult to remain cool, keep encouraging contact in the hope of meeting and reconciling when all i want to do is open up completely and risk coming over as needy and clingy which i am sure would turn her off.

 

HAs anyone been in a similar situation and 1. do you think think there is still a chance for us ? 2. how do you stay cool when you think things are moving in the right direction and want nothing more that to accelerate the process? and finally 3. any further advice or thought would be so gratefully received........

 

 

Thanks in advance

[pl3asehelp]

I think trying to get back with an ex is a fools game that, even if you do get them back, you are then just in a relationship with someone who already threw you away and what's good about that.

[duke nukem]

I think trying to get back with an ex is a fools game that, even if you do get them back, you are then just in a relationship with someone who already threw you away and what's good about that.

 

Only if both of you don't change. At least that's my opinion.

 

 

If you really look at why the relationship failed in the past, and work on your faults for yourself, then I suppose you have some kind of chance, though I couldn't give you any odds.

[Cowboy1015]

I'm sorry. We're on the same boat. In my case, I'm slowly realizing that she was just not meant to be. Otherwise, we would still be together. People told me to move on, but I did what I feel what I need to do. And I have no regrets. So do what you got to do until you feel you did enough to just move on. I think sometimes the best case is just not to do anything at all and focus on what's ahead of you. I know it's hard... sometimes I still want to contact my ex.

[endy]

Ummm I don't get it, she has told you repeatidly that she doesn't see a future. Look I'm going to be blunt and honest here. As coming from a man who has changed in his lifetime. It takes being alone. It takes great will, and great focus. Something that most people just can't do inside of a relationship. You're saying you don't want to risk coming off as needy or clingy, but that's really all you've done besides the break at the beginning.

 

When you give off that vibe of needing and wanting someone... which by all means you are probably doing. You do think about her constantly and getting back with her right? Just by you being on this forum posting your story pretty much tells us that... That's what you're giving off. It doesn't matter what you show, the universe has a way of knowing what your intentions are. The best thing to do to reattract her is to become the man that you were when you first met. You're a broken person at this point. You need to fix that to re-attract her, or any healthy girl for that matter. I would seriously leave her alone for 6 months to a year, get you back, and then try to catch up with her. That way you can SHOW her you changed. People rarely change, and when they do, it's not to GET someone else back. It's because you realize you have issues and need to resolve them to be in a healthy lasting relationship. You can't change someone, and you can't change to get someone back. You change for self benefit.

 

You have her on a pedestal, and trust me, she sees right through whatever you are saying right now. The only way someone can miss you is if you give them space.

[flatplane]

Never a truer word written there Endy.

[playalovegame]

I am, sort of, in the same boat as you. My boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago and I know exactly what you're going through. The advice Endy offered you has also helped me. I see a lot of people on here saying "if they left you once, they'll leave you again", or "if they left you, how are you going to trust them if they come back?". And sometimes, all it takes is to see a comment like that and be completely crushed and feel like a fool for wanting someone back who doesn't want you. My ex still tells me he's very much in love with me and just needs time to himself, and I don't know if I'm just being silly, but to give up on love that you feel so strongly about seems the most foolish action to me. I don't listen to people who say once=forever. Give yourself time to heal, create distance. Just because it's over now, doesn't necessarily mean it always will be. If it's meant to be it will be. Sometimes things fall apart so that you can both better yourselves, and come back as an even stronger couple. I'm just trying to be the devil's advocate here, seeing as how everyone else is sort of saying to move on with your life. Do whatever feel's right in your heart. Keep in mind, this forum is only advice. Not what you SHOULD and SHOULD NOT do.

[Zero71]

Most of us who say it's foolish to chase say that out of experience. You aren't get your ex back by chasing or begging them to return. It's okay to have hope, but what's the point of chasing someone who doesn't want to be caught. If someone tells you that it's over and they don't want to be with you then accept it. They might change their mind one day then again they might not. That is why you go NC. You do it to get yourself together. Maybe one day the ex will return and want to reconcile then again you might find someone much better.

[endy]

That's the truth, and my advice does come with experience. Really, I would encourage everyone to examine what their idea of love is. The issue is this. You want your ex back because you want to feel like you once felt. Our mind gets addicted to how that person made us once feel. Even the bad parts of the relationship. Do you ever notice how often times relationships will go in cycles? That has everything to do with our brain, the hormones it produces, and the bodys addiction to said hormones, or pepties that released into every cell of our body. In that way our body's get addicted to the love object. The problem is fear kills love. Fear only strengthens the addiction to the love object (ex). You have got to get over that first. That doesn't mean that she won't come back before you do, but honestly if you don't deal with the issues that caused the breakup in the first place... then what's the point? You haven't changed, mutual trust is gone, and it's VERY hard to rebuild. It takes time, and it takes two people willing to give 100 percent.

 

She's made it clear at this point that she is not willing to do that. You have got to try to understand that love is not something out of a movie. It's not something to fight for. It is free flowing. Fighting is out of fear. Fighting is fight or flight which is your bodies signal to you that you can't survive without her. It's those chemicals telling your brain you need this back. I can't break it down any simpler than that. So really there is nothing left to do. All there is to do is to pick yourself up. Get yourself back, change for the better and gain wisdom, and really she may come back at that point, but by then you won't need her back. If she does then you'll make a decision that is best for you. Right now you have to kick her off the pedestal and replace it with you.

[Cowboy1015]

Endy makes very good sense.

[learning2relax]

In your post you mention a lot of assumptions. They are not facts. They are guesses. Your guesses as to why she acts or says what she does. You really do not know. You are looking past the words that she is saying to you - sending you very clear and direct responses to your overtures. The assumptions you have made (referenced above) and the things you cite that she has stated are not aligned. Leave her be. Respect that she no longer wants to be in a relationship.

 

You will go through withdrawal - most of us do. Remember that you will re-start that process of getting through the withdrawal every time you give in and contact her in hopes that she has changed her mind or that you can influence her to change her mind with the contact you make.

[endy]

l2r is correct, and you can go down that path, because maybe that's what you need to experience to gain wisdom from it. I know I've done it, but with that said gain wisdom from it. After all that's what life is really about isn't it? Experiencing and gaining wisdom from said experiences. There is never a right or wrong, what we are trying to tell you is that you need to really examine the situation, what love is, what love isn't. Love is not a deficit state of want or need. Like I said above it is free flowing. Part of love is knowing when to let go when the time is right. Part of love is knowing when to let go when two people can't grow in the current relationship they are in anymore.

 

There will come a point where you either go insane from the withdrawal over and over, or you get sick of it and move on. Right now, you need to let her go. For you, for her, to live your own life's and experience new things. It's your choice, whatever you choose. So be it.

[bloobloobloo]

Thanks so much for the feedback guys...... I feel i am moving and i can see a life beyond the relationship.... The feeling of needing my ex in my life has over the last couple of months been replace with a want to have her having had only limited contact with her. funnily enough she contacted me last night for assistance with something and today i got a call from a friend saying she has asked to meet with him !!! Could be something could be nothing but i feel it is ok to follow my heart now my head is beginning to make me think rationally !!!

 

I do need to accept it may genuinely be over but i don't think its such a bad idea to leave the door ajar where by she may feel it is ok to reach out if she wishes which at that point would give me the chance to decide if it is right for me.....

 

The only down side is that i completely relate to the point regarding how snippets of contact and "breadcrumbs" as some user refer to them can and have driven my having a good or bad day.

 

Im clearly not over the relation ship and i guess i need to be to be able to have a reasonable chance in the next relationship be that with my ex or another.....

 

This forum is greatly helping so any elaboration on anything on this thread to date will be more than gratefully received. Thanks again guys