taken for granted............

[happy_camper]

I ended it with my long term long distance boyfriend, a week and a half ago. I gave him no reason at the time, I called him over to the apartment and told him I was done. I had his stuff packed, and he grabbed them and left. I asked did he want to know why I ended it, he said he didn't. He then texted me the following night, his 30th birthday, to say he was sorry he'd reacted as he had, that he didn't see it coming and we should talk, he would ring me at the weekend if he agreed. I emailed him wednesday to say I needed space and didn't want to talk, he could email me if he wanted answers. so he mailed me three days later asking why I finished it. That was Saturday. I sat down to mail him Sunday. I couldn't do it.

 

I broke down. I started going into my reasons, firstly that we were going nowhere. That after nearly 5 years together, I still don't know how he feels about a future with me. right now, and for the foreseeable future, he can't move because all he can get work-wise is six month contracts in different places. this isn't his fault, it's the nature of his line of work in recession and several of his friends are in the same boat. I know this makes it difficult. but he should know how he feels about me and if he sees a future for us at least. I hate even rehashing all of this here!

 

I could probably cope with the above situation, if he didn't take me for granted so much! I'll spare the details for everyone of his most recent example of just forgetting about me, I've gone through the hurt of it enough in my own mind, and between this and the above, and a few other things, I got angry, and ended it.

 

It's weird. I want so much to contact him. I'm delaying this email, which at the end of the day is only an email, but I'm scared of it. Scared that to email him my reasons will be the end of it all. even though I finished it, it's like this will be final. and it's strange too, that even though I ended it, I just want so much for him to fight for it, because I always fought until this. but then, if he's been taking me for granted and I've allowed it to go on, why would he?!

 

do you ever come back from this? clearly I've been invested much more than he has. I feel I've been getting in his way. I'd love for him to fight for us. But he won't. I can't stay. even if he did fight, I could never be guaranteed he wouldn't do the same again. If I went back, I'd deserve what I got. He's not nasty in any way. He just unintentionally forgets about me. He hasn't a bad bone in his body. why does it hurt so much? I bet he's not crying over me

 

I've been yo-yo-ing between so many emotions the last few days. awful crying fits. Anger at him treating me this way. Anger that I've allowed it to go on so long. Loneliness. Missing him. And then clarity that I've made a decision. Relief at this. guilt for hurting him in this way, and not giving him a reason, yet. and then back to missing him intensely. And the fun we had together. But I've been finding it harder and harder to remember the good times, as they have been few and far between the last 6 months or so. the good should outweigh the bad

[lostandhurt]

Perhaps you do not want to write it all out because you don't want it to end for good. Sometimes writing all the things in your head out helps you make sense of it all.

 

You dropped a bomb on him and he is stunned and doesn't know what to do. He wants to fight for you but some guys are respectful enough to do what you asked. You told him to give you space and so he is.

Has he been upset and yes even cried for you? I am sure he has. Getting the bomb dropped on you really hurts and can shatter a persons life. he is hurting and doesn't know what to do but he is waiting for answers from you so he can see if he should even try to fight for you.

 

What do you think he is thinking? I can tell you he is thinking all kinds of things. Did she meet someone else? Did she ever love me? What did I do wrong? What did I do right? Was this all a waste of time? and on and on.

 

Sometimes guys need a knock in the head to snap them out of it and pay attention to what is the most important thing in their lives.

 

Write the email for the both of you. Face your fears...

 

Lost

[happy_camper]

Hi lost, thanks for the reply. I'm writing a lot of it here alright, I don't want to bore people with the details I guess! And there are a lot of red flags.....but we've been together a long time.

 

I understand why he wouldn't fight for it when I haven't given him a reason. But I'm surprised he needs one. when I started that email, what struck me was that I wasn't saying anything that I haven't already said in the last 6 months. It's all a record on replay!

What do I think he is thinking? Judging from the text he sent over a week ago saying we should talk............he is upset. Part of me thought perhaps he thought I was calling his bluff, to give him a shock. Part of me also wondered had he been a * * * for the last while so that I would end it with him, since he's expressed his doubt so many times too. I thought maybe he was too cowardly to do it. I honestly don't know. He knows there's no one else. He's often said he'd never meet anyone who would ever love him as much as me.

 

I need to send him the email. I need to get my head in order too. I just don't know how I feel.

 

I should perhaps also mention that we were broken up before over something similar back in 2008/2009. and it took a while to show, but taken for granted again.........

[lostandhurt]

I think you are answering a lot of your own answers here don't you think?

 

Just because you were together a long time doesn't mean that you must try again. I think what you both need is closure. There are times when we must loose it all to see just what we had. I mean really loose it, not just break up and both knowing someday you will be back together. There is no easy answer here and even though you miss him and question your choices it doesn't mean they were wrong. You have done what is best for you and perhaps what is best for him as well.

 

Write the letter but don't send it right away. Go back and read it the next day and see how you feel and if it is the honest truth with no ego, no games and no BS. When you feel good about what you have written then send it. When you do send it you should no have any expectations on what you think he should do or not do. That will only set you up for more hurt.

 

Read my signature below and think about it often as you go through all this.

 

Lost

[happy_camper]

We were apart for three months before and both miserable without each other! he made the break before, but I'd told him after never to contact me again. I fell to pieces. He didn't fall to pieces, though everyone said he was like a briar without me. I guess sometimes it doesn't matter what everyone else says, does it? we didn't know then we'd get back together.

 

I know it's natural to question my choices here. He could be the most horrible person in the world and I'd still miss him after all the time we've spent together. I miss the company for sure. I miss him holding me. I miss the chemistry we had, the way he could make me laugh so easily. I loved that so much. But things have been so uncertain. I won't miss that. It scares me more than anything to think of putting myself back out there again. I want to close myself off in a dark room and never come out of it again. I'm scared I'll never find someone I have that chemistry with again, or who I'll love so fiercely in spite of it all. I don't want to be with anyone again for a long long time. And I dread hearing of him with someone else, or seeing him. I just don't want to know.

 

I actually considered meeting up with him this weekend to talk it out. my mother put me off, saying any progress I've made in the last week and a half will be gone out the window, and I'll be back to square one. She's afraid he'll be able to talk me back to him while I'm still vulnerable. I can see how she's right. I think part of me wants him to talk me round. Part of me wants to see a reaction, which I won't see with email. but then that's probably why an email is a good idea.

 

I'm not sure what tone to set in an email. I know I need to state the facts of why I'm ending it. and be as honest as I can, which won't be a problem. I don't want to hurt him anymore though. I need to be careful with my words. Is it appropriate to tell him I love him and I miss him too? or do I keep it as unemotional as possible? I DO love him and miss him very much. I'm losing the best friend I've ever had and it's breaking my heart, and I don't want to do it, but I need to think of me, because he didn't. I can't stop crying

 

part of me feels like I should treat the email nearly like an assignment. brainstorm! abstract, intro, etc, conclusion! so that I don't steer away from what I need to say! clinical and detached.

 

And I also found some more stuff in my apartment belonging to him. I'll have to meet him at some stage. do I write him a letter instead?

[happy_camper]

I'm typing a draft at the moment. pretty detached really.

 

I've given my reasons for ending things. but also, mentioned his 30th birthday party. It was an awful night for me, both he and his brother humiliated me, once each, in front of the rest of the family! ex was drunk, his bro was drunk and on drugs too, which he tried to offer to my ex but I intervened. I'm not sure about how much ex will have remembered of the night, since I haven't spoken to him since then.

For me, it was the final nail in the coffin, and I'm explaining that to him. It's probably the most emotional part of the email, but I have to tell him. Lost, you've said it should be honest truth with no ego, games or BS. its emotionally loaded though! My pride was hurt, very much so, it was so upsetting. And I think he does need to know that that hurt me. I'm not trying to evoke a response from him about it, but I think it needs to be said. I'm trying to look at the email objectively, this part is hard! I'm not trying to be hard on him or upset him, but he needs to face some home truth. I haven't said as much, let him read from it what he wants to. I'll read it again tomorrow and see how I feel about sending it then

 

I'm also not saying anything about his stuff. I'll text him when I'm able to see him, and make arrangements. there's no point mentioning meeting up just yet.

[lostandhurt]

You wrote:

 

"I need to state the facts of why I'm ending it. and be as honest as I can, which won't be a problem. I don't want to hurt him anymore though. I need to be careful with my words. Is it appropriate to tell him I love him and I miss him too? or do I keep it as unemotional as possible? I DO love him and miss him very much. I'm losing the best friend I've ever had and it's breaking my heart, and I don't want to do it, but I need to think of me, because he didn't."

 

This in my opinion should be part of your email to him. I do agree it may be to early for you to see him face to face. Yes it is okay to tell him you still love him but you need to be clear that love alone isn't enough. There needs to be respect as well as love.

 

What you are feeling is very normal and is why so many stay in bad relationships and it comes down to one simple thing that is not so simple. FEAR

Who wants to be alone? who wants to loose their friend? who wants to hurt someone they love? who wants to face the days questioning their choice to end it?

There is always a battle between the heart and mind. The heart does not give up so easily so it hangs on to all the feelings of love, chemistry, missing them and their touch and how it made you feel. The mind though knows the truth and knows how much you have been hurt and ignored and not appreciated and so the battle each other for control. Time will give your mind a chance to get the upper hand over your heart and then you can begin to see this even more clearly.

 

This is not an easy thing to do I know. Sitting alone with all these thoughts that will not leave your mind can be torture. Writing the letter if nothing else can be good for you to see it in black and white. You need time to heal and decide what is next for your life. Remember just because you were together a long time and in love doesn't mean it was a good relationship. Time slips by when you are in love and you tend to overlook a lot until it becomes to much to take.

 

If you like you can PM me the letter and I will tell you what I think.

 

There is no rush so take your time.

 

Lost

[happy_camper]

Hi Lost,

 

Thanks so much for your help. I've just sent the email now. I'm happy I've included all I need to. I've been nervous about it all week, feeling that even though we've broken up, that sending that would mean it's completely over, it's final. Closure perhaps. And that I've not been sure that's what I want. When I think of all the hurt and uncertainty, I know I've made the right decision. When I think of all the good times, I worry about what I'm missing. The good times seem so long ago. I posted here during the summer that I wasn't sure about us anymore. That we were planning a holiday, and I was going to decide after the holiday how I felt about us. I haven't read over the thread in some time, but I do remember someone said that something to the effect that a lot of people plan a holiday in the hopes of fixing things, but it's already too late, and not to expect much from it. I can safely say it was the best holiday I have ever had. It was so romantic, and we clicked together in a way that we hadn't done for a very long time, it was truly wonderful. And I know I'm only torturing myself, I keep thinking back. Why couldn't we have stayed that way? I think the true test of a relationship is not how you get through the good times. It's how you help each other through the bad times. And that's when it became obvious we weren't right. Holidays are holidays. There's no external stressors to bring out the bad in you. We didn't get through the bad times and that's why we won't work.

 

I need to focus more on the fact that I was taken so much for granted and how that made me feel. I have a wonderful capacity to focus only on the good at times and forget the bad, but that's not helping me here! I went back into my apartment last night. I've been staying home since the break-up, for moral support! I cried my eyes out last night. Because we always spent Friday nights together, just watching TV and sipping wine. I missed him. Not just the company. I really missed him. I'm dreading moving back in full time as I'll be confronted with so many memories. I never thought the dumper would go through this!!! I feel that yes I probably left the relationship a lot earlier mentally than I realised, but it's only now I'm faced with what that truly means. How did I love someone so much who didn't feel the same about me? How do I move on? I'm so scared. I know I've done the right thing, and still I have all these terrible feelings of loss. How long will this take before I feel like myself again? before I'm happy in my own company?

 

I expect that he will reply of course. try to defend his actions. tell me he loves me. ha! Maybe I'm wrong. I'm sure if he does reply it will be full of the same type of excuses he's given me the last nearly 5 years. But actions speak louder than words. I'll let you know if he replies and what he says.

 

I dreamt about him last night. I dreamt I had to pass by where he was living and I was dreading bumping into him and surely enough I did. And he looked terrible, his eyes and cheeks were red from crying, he was dishevelled. And he came to me and said, I'm trying to fix myself to make me better for you, I promise. I didn't know how I felt in the dream. Upset that he was so upset. It hit me during the day that in effect it was like seeing him again. it was horrible. I felt so terrible. I don't know how he's feeling. But it kills me to think I might have made him feel that way. In spite of all the hurt he's caused me, I love him, and part of what's held me back so long was not wanting to hurt him.

 

I was so determined in the days after the break that I would be fine and I'd get over it quickly because I'd felt so bad about all the hurt he caused. I wish those strong feelings were still there to spur me on. I forget sometimes that an almost 5 year relationship is not going to go away fast. There are too many memories, too many places and reminders. I wish I could escape from it all.

[happy_camper]

dreamt about him again last night. This is torture. I hate this so much. I miss him so much.

 

Why?! He so obviously didn't treat me right, so I ended it, and I'm broken hearted?! Why do I miss someone who didn't include me in their plans, I was always the last to know everything. I'm even wondering was he particularly crap to me the last while so that I might end it so he wouldn't be the bad guy. I did this so that I wouldn't feel bad about letting him treat me this way anymore. because when you let it go on so long, it can't be his fault anymore. It must be mine for letting him keep doing it to me. I don't want to be taken for granted anymore. I want to know how it feels to have someone make me feel like the centre of their world. Not because they should, or because I feel I should be that important to someone, but because that's how I hope I'd make my special person feel.

 

Part of me feels like I just gave up on it all myself. but how could I keep going when he made me feel bad about myself, about us? should I have ignored all that because I know he was going through a rough patch? I don't think that gives someone an excuse to treat me badly. why do I still even care?!