If NC is the way to go why ...

[dumPI]

are many people (usually older people: parents/relatives) surprised when you announce that you are NC with your ex?

I had some people, like my mother, telling me that to her being NC made her feel like I was the dumper instead of the dumpee as I was shutting the door completely. And that maybe I should've tried to be friends.

 

I don't have any doubts regarding NC. For me it's the natural way as I lose all trust & confidence in someone who once said I love you's, and now they mean so little that she can dump me.

 

What do you think?

Also what do you think of this "role reversal"? Because at least two different people told me this: "you seemed to have the upper hand by refusing being friends & going NC".

[mhowe]

Part of me wants to ask why you care what other people think, including your mother --- when you can say that NC feels like the natural way for you to go. In the final analysis, how you choose to deal w/ a break up is entirely up to you --- and from your tag line, you seem to have weathered the NC time frame very well.

[dumPI]

It's just questions popping up in my mind. Not that I'm planing on breaking NC or that I'm not doing well. It's a matter of understanding why other people don't feel NC as a natural thing to do with someone who you can't trust any longer.

 

Not sure what your last line means but I went NC directly after BU, just broke it when picking up my stuff in her country (and didn't event want to) and she had her guilt releasing talk.

[Love145]

Nc is not the only wat to go. Each circunstante is different.

[Tanzi]

If your ex was the one that ended the relationship then he will always remain the dumper. Nothing you do thereafter is going to reverse that. It certainly doesn't give you the upper hand as far as the relationship is concerned because reconcilliation is still down to them. What you have done, however, is taken matters into your own hands and taken control of the situation. You have also taken control of your own emotions instead of allowing your ex to still control your emotions which is what would happen if you still had continued contact or tried the "friends" route.

 

At the end of the day you have to do what is best for you and other people should accept that. It takes srength to make a decision like that and you should be respected for that.

[dumPI]

If your ex was the one that ended the relationship then he will always remain the dumper. Nothing you do thereafter is going to reverse that. It certainly doesn't give you the upper hand as far as the relationship is concerned because reconcilliation is still down to them. What you have done, however, is taken matters into your own hands and taken control of the situation. You have also taken control of your own emotions instead of allowing your ex to still control your emotions which is what would happen if you still had continued contact or tried the "friends" route. It shows strength IMHO.

 

maybe they meant the upper hand in the communication as in "by going NC & not being friends you are refusing to take post BU crap like breadcrumbs, instant changes of mind, etc".

[Autumnleaves]

It depends on the person and how they choose to react to a situation. Also depends on the circumstances surrounding the breakup. As individuals we do what we think is best for ourselves and our current situations.

[pl3asehelp]

There are people who treat breakups lightly like they are games and use them as a tool to get the power, control, or whatever they want and then get back together. Also people who get back together with ex's. Those are the people giving you this feedback. Sounds like you actually know better - that when a breakup happens you're done for good and know NC is the best way to move on as quickly and painlessly as possible.

[Tanzi]

Yes maybe. Anyway it certainly isn't a bad thing.

[Tranquillo]

There is no upperhand, that is just mind games.

At the end you have been dumped and that is what it is.

No contact is about moving on, and if cutting all ties is what helps you move on, then it doesnt matter what anyone else says or feels.

 

As with the questions popping in your mind, no contact is not a natural thing for some people because they can't understand how you can stop feeling or caring about someone who you were once close to, how you can stop being friends etc.. It seems cold and harsh therefore hard to understand and see it as something natural.

[lanaa]

my mother told me this:

 

1.either you go NC and forget about him totally,stop having hopes for anything,just move on and meet others

 

if you cant do that

 

2.contact him and see where it will lead,try being friends and show him you still care

 

I of course did not listen,i went NC in hope he will come back so my NC was about getting him back not moving on,after 3 months i broke NC and he seemed happy to hear from me

[force]

NC probably wasn't around in the older days. Most probably didn't go around avoiding or ignoring an ex to regain power, or put so much thought into manipulation tactics, most just moved on while still being cordial to their ex if they did pop up. I agree with Tranquillo about it not being natural. While it is good to help you move on, for yourself, at the same time, keeping calenders, marking off days, I dunno when I did those things back in the day I felt good for awhile like I was working toward something but as the days continued to get marked off, they just started to blur together and I started to miss my ex and wanted to contact her thinking I was ready cause I missed our friendship.

 

I think the key is to give up hope, which is soo hard to do. Try to get interested in another, even if it's someone you can't have, your mind will start to shift onto the new person and you'll think about them instead then you'll be ready to be friends w/your ex because you won't care if you get back together

[mhowe]

Not contacting someone was around in older days? Sure it was. Actually, that was there first response --- if some one breaks up w/ you, you consider yourself broken up, and start looking for someone else.

 

There was no FB, or Syke, or texting or cell phones. There was mail and there were phones. And honesty, there was a lot less drama.

[Tanzi]

NC probably wasn't around in the older days.

 

Lol, it may not have been given a title in the "older days" but plain old common sense told me not to let an ex keep on dragging me backwards. Doesn't mean it still didn't happen though. Granted in days gone by it was harder to reach someone who didn't particularly want to have any contact with you than it is now. When I broke up with my first love the only way of communicating with him was his to call him on his home phone and most of the time I got his mother saying he wasn't in when I knew full well he was. There were no mobile phones where I could leave a personal message or send a text and know that he would receive either, there was no facebook, no MSN ... nothing. Nothing has changed though. If an ex called me I would still struggle not to speak to them.

[Tanzi]

There was no FB, or Syke, or texting or cell phones. There was mail and there were phones. And honesty, there was a lot less drama.

 

Agreed!! We had no choice other than NC!!

[Carus]

Breakups will run their course until NC becomes the natural order of things.

 

Some will drop into NC fairly quickly while others will wait for an undetermined amount of time before the breakup has run its course and NC just takes hold anyway...

 

In the end, unless the couple reunite, NC will set in and on we go...

 

Some people had worked out that once contact has dried up the ex 'may' come calling and based their 'Get Your Ex Back' marketing tactics around that...

 

That is where the confusion has come from....

 

In the majority of cases, ex's will remain just that ~ An ex....So this is why most people who are in the know will try and help people get to NCland sooner rather than later otherwise days/weeks/months and even years can go by and the poor person hanging on will remain stuck whilst life marches on without them...

 

Since not one of my ex's have ever 'come back' and after that last horrible EXperience, I am an advocate of trying to cut the cord asap and move on with your life...However, using NC to try and manipulate an ex into coming back is a dangerous game indeed*

 

Of course the other option is to continue contacting them or be there for them whenever they contact you and we all know where that goes*

 

My 2 cents.

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

[xcrunner]

NC is the way to go because it separates you from direct, and usually more hurtful experiences with an ex who has chosen to pursue life without you.

 

Productive NC is what helps you heal.

 

Notice NC alone will do little. And NC with hope of them coming back will, as Carus pointed out, keep you stuck in limbo.

[Hellhound1]

Id never even thought of NC until i came to ENA. Now it seems 100% like the best thing to do.

[RitaTrue]

are many people (usually older people: parents/relatives) surprised when you announce that you are NC with your ex?

I had some people, like my mother, telling me that to her being NC made her feel like I was the dumper instead of the dumpee as I was shutting the door completely. And that maybe I should've tried to be friends.

 

I don't have any doubts regarding NC. For me it's the natural way as I lose all trust & confidence in someone who once said I love you's, and now they mean so little that she can dump me.

 

What do you think?

Also what do you think of this "role reversal"? Because at least two different people told me this: "you seemed to have the upper hand by refusing being friends & going NC".

 

Your post is on time, OP: My family did the same thing.

 

My mom was also surprised, and kept trying to "convince" me to be friends with my ex in the beginning, when I was still hurting. She'd say things like "He still misses you. You should talk to him," "Or, why're you doing this? You dont have to act this way. Just give him a call." She doesnt understand healing after a break up: my mom, in her own words, has always been the dumper.

 

 

Advice: Just know that what you did is the right thing. And avoid talking about what you're doing. They just WONT understand. For instance, when you go NC, and delete or block your ex, and the like, dont tell your family. Even though they mean to be supportive, they almost try anti-heal your healing. Just keep your journey to yourself, and air it out here.

 

 

...That's what I do anyway.

[sandrawg]

#2 would be great if it worked, but it rarely works. Read some threads posted by people who tried to be friends. Usu the dumper just ends up taking advantage of you, either for comfort or sex. I think a lot of people don't realize what they have til it's gone. they have to be deprived of all the things they got from you. Also, they might need time to check out the playing field and realize you're the best game out there. They ca't do that if you're still around.

 

In my case I decided eearly on I didn't want my ex back. I broke NC to get closure. He explained to me where he was at when he broke up with me. It was a pretty messed up place and made me realize he is messed up. Just further validated my decision to move on.