DeepestBlue Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 I guess I am looking for some advice about the right time and way to make my intentions more apparent, in a more concrete way than "it's depends", or "when the moment is right". I'll try to keep it pretty simple: I met this guy at a club. Afterward, a bunch of us ended up grabbing a late night meal together, and he and I chatted a fair bit. We had some similar interests and he seemed really nice and genuine. He kind of suggested getting my number but it never happened. I get the feeling he's a little shy and there was a lot going on at once. A week went by. I know he doesn't go to the clubs much, but he had made it seem like he would be there the next week; when he didn't wind up being there, I felt kind of disappointed. I didn't want to let the possibility of a good connection go, so I stopped by his work and dropped my number off. He pretty much contacted me that same day when he got to work. I asked him if he'd like to grab coffee and left the day open. He picked the very next day, which was also Valentines. So we met up and I'd say things went really well. We grabbed food and just started chatting. I suggested we go to a cafe after, and we got so lost in conversation when I checked the time it was 6:40 and I missed this thing I had to go to at 4:30. So we just ended up chatting until 10:30 when he headed home. We share a lot of similar values and our conversation flows so smoothly. Before he left he suggested making plans again for this week. And then texted me right after saying he had a great time and thanking me. I feel like he's given a lot of indication that he's interested, with contacting me right away, wanting to meet up the very next day, us spending 7 and a half hours together chatting, and then him wanting to make plans the very same week. At the same time, I feel like we're both a bit shy, and I don't ever see him making the first move if he's actually interested in me. And I don't want things to go too long and get pigeon-holed as "just a friend". We already have plans for this weekend to go to this Japanese restaurant that was his suggestion. So what I'm wondering is what is the best way to gauge his interest in things being more than just friendship, and what is the best way to show I am interested? Would it be better to just talk to him about it outright, or are there certain subtler things I should do, or should I just try to kiss him, and if so at what point? Link to comment
Fantanos Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 I already think you are on the right track, you have a date set up for the weekend. Let this date go by before worrying about it. I think you are looking into to hard. I will tell you right now, don't come on too strong. If you make it too easy for him he loses the feeling of needing to chase you, you need to keep him on his toes a little bit and keep him wondering what you are thinking. I know it sounds like a game and it is and no one wants to play them but its part of it and how it works. I have had girls I really like come on strong and I back away a bit because I feel like I already won and no longer need to impress. It is silly but true. Give it time, see how this date works and let the night end. If you had fun text him the next day and tell him you had fun and thank him. If he is interested and normal he will ask you out again Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 I think it't safe to assume he's interested in more than friendship and you don't need to do anything further to gauge his interest. This is why guys go out with girls. But if you want to kiss him, go for it - I don't think you have anything to lose there. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 It takes time to get to know one another, in order to see if there's potential for a relationship to develop. You've only been on one date together, what's the rush? Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 Some men have no interest in chasing you, being kept on their toes, or wondering what you're thinking and would much prefer you be direct and honest about your feelings. Link to comment
Fantanos Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 Some men have no interest in chasing you, being kept on their toes, or wondering what you're thinking and would much prefer you be direct and honest about your feelings. As you get older I can see this, but many people will tell you at first they like the suspense. If a girl is open with me that is great, however I want her to be open after a few dates or some time... not after just meeting me, it can scare some people off who look at taking it slow to begin. Link to comment
DrKitten Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 Go for a walk or scenic drive after the restaurant. Then kiss him. Bam, you've shown him you're interested! Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 I can tell you that YES he is very interested in you. What can you do to let him know you are as well? Be very touchy feely with him when you are at the table together. Like if he says something funny laugh and reach out and touch his hands. Make a lot of eye contact. Do not talk about other guys!!! When he texts you tell him "I was just thinking about you" Shy guys just need to know it is okay to make the next move. They often NEED to be sure before they will. There is one thing you can do that is fun and will break the ice on the whole kissing thing. While you are on your date, maybe half way through just tell him you want to ask him something. When he says sure what is it? ask him "do you plan on giving me a kiss goodbye later"? if he says yes smile and say good and if he says "No" or "I'm not sure" then tell him "that's to bad" and pout a little in a fun way. Relax and everything will be fine. Have fun on your date! Lost Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 As you get older I can see this, but many people will tell you at first they like the suspense. If a girl is open with me that is great, however I want her to be open after a few dates or some time... not after just meeting me, it can scare some people off who look at taking it slow to begin. Are you saying not being open about your level of interest in someone at the beginning of a relationship is taking it slow? I don't see them as the same at all. If I take a girl out for the first time, if I can't tell for sure that she's interested, I don't ask her out again because there are many other girls that are interested. That would be a shame if she were in fact interested but pretended not to be because she was under the false impression that would be too fast, or unattractive, or whatever. Link to comment
DeepestBlue Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 Be very touchy feely with him when you are at the table together. Like if he says something funny laugh and reach out and touch his hands. Make a lot of eye contact. Do not talk about other guys!!! Actually, that is kind of coincidental, because when we had our first meetup, he said that it's really unattractive "When you're on a date, and the other person is talking about guys they think are hot" whether it be someone who is there, someone you both mutually know, or even a celebrity. I agreed as well on that point... As I said we do have a lot of the same values which has been really great. He was telling me about one of his interests which was kind of dorky and I said that it was "really cute" a few times, like an indirect way of saying that I think he's cute. And I also complimented his jacket when I first saw him. This stuff was all natural though, I'm not trying to tick off boxes or anything. I think some of your guys advice is right, I will try to just enjoy the second time meeting up with him and his company and try not to overthink it. I think I am definitely showing some level of interest because I initiated things by inviting him out, and agreed to make plans with him again when he offered, we also did text back and forth a little bit, but I'm trying to keep that limited because I do have other things to do in life, I don't want to come off too strong, and I don't want him to start treating me like just a friend. We do really both have fun when we're together and totally lose track of time. Maybe I should be content with just enjoying that experience right now, especially since it's been a long time since I genuinely liked someone. I don't want to come off too strong when we've only just met up the first few times, that is definitely one side of the coin. The other is that neither of us initiate anything, which was my other fear I guess. I do tend to act silly and overthink when I really like someone, and I could tell since we first met that I really like him. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 This is all good news. I am pretty sure we all act and think the way you are when we really like someone. It is the dance we all dance so take your time and enjoy it. You know he is thinking the exact same things you are don't you? Lost Link to comment
DeepestBlue Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 I am super-excited! We're going to meet up again tomorrow, and I feel like we've been flirting and just being silly via text. When I threw in something jokingly about a kiss, he responded pretty well. I think that's a good sign! Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Awesome!!! All I can tell you is to make it easy for him. Once you get this thing going and you are both a little more sure it will be great. Lost Link to comment
Fantanos Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Are you saying not being open about your level of interest in someone at the beginning of a relationship is taking it slow? I don't see them as the same at all. If I take a girl out for the first time, if I can't tell for sure that she's interested, I don't ask her out again because there are many other girls that are interested. That would be a shame if she were in fact interested but pretended not to be because she was under the false impression that would be too fast, or unattractive, or whatever. I didn't say don't show interest but I don't think you should confess your love for someone after you hang out one time. You definitely need to show interest, you can do this many ways, I just don't think after one date you spill your guts. Does that make sense? Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I didn't say don't show interest but I don't think you should confess your love for someone after you hang out one time. You definitely need to show interest, you can do this many ways, I just don't think after one date you spill your guts. Does that make sense? I already think you are on the right track, you have a date set up for the weekend. Let this date go by before worrying about it. I think you are looking into to hard. I will tell you right now, don't come on too strong. If you make it too easy for him he loses the feeling of needing to chase you, you need to keep him on his toes a little bit and keep him wondering what you are thinking. I know it sounds like a game and it is and no one wants to play them but its part of it and how it works. I have had girls I really like come on strong and I back away a bit because I feel like I already won and no longer need to impress. It is silly but true. Give it time, see how this date works and let the night end. If you had fun text him the next day and tell him you had fun and thank him. If he is interested and normal he will ask you out again I don't think you can be in love after hanging out with someone one time and if someone feels they are, they should just slow down and think about what love actually is. All I mean is if she enjoyed her date and she's enjoying getting to know who he is, she should tell him so. You previously recommended that the OP shouldn't be honest with the guy she's dating because if you were in his shoes, 1) you need to feel a need to chase 2) you want to be kept on your toes, 3) you like what the person's thoughts you went out with to be a mystery to you. Then you go on to say that if the girl you went out with was to tell you she was enjoying her dates with you you would then back away because you'd feel like you already won and no longer need to impress. I'm just saying I don't identify with any of this personally and would always want to honestly know the feelings of someone I'm dating and just wanted to make that point to the OP. Link to comment
DeepestBlue Posted February 18, 2012 Author Share Posted February 18, 2012 So we were supposed to grab lunch but he texted me to say he woke up kind of late by accident, so we had to pick a different restaurant to go to, because the hours are weird at the place we were going to go, and it's really far out. So we went to this really cute/quaint place instead, and he ended up really enjoying it. Afterward he suggested we go to the mall. We did some shopping which was really productive, we both got a bunch of new clothes and he got a new phone (he loves electronics). After that we walked for a bit and grabbed dinner. When we were outside afterward I mentioned that he hadn't gotten me a cookie (it was part of what we were joking about via text), he was like "Yeah, that's true, I will have to get you a bunch", I was like "Well, I'd also take a kiss," in reference to our texts as well. And he got really shy and awkward for a moment, and then kissed me really lightly. So I was like "I think you can do better" and he kissed me again. Tonight when I got home he sent me a text saying "Thanks again for everything today I had a really great time! I actually brought it up after to make sure he was at all uncomfortable, and he said "No not at all I was just being shy!" I'm taking this as a really good sign. Hopefully we'll make plans again soon. We still have to go to the restaurant we never made it to, and we talked about going for BBQ somewhere. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Well done!!! You handled that perfectly. I am so happy it went so well. Keep us posted. It is always great to hear good news on this site. best wishes Lost Link to comment
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