Boyfriend is trying to get "revenge"

[Myuria]

Okay, the main troubles have started recently, because I have got the lead part in a production. It is taking up a lot of my time, and for the last couple of weeks, I have had rehearsals three times a week for a total of 17 hours. At first he was okay with that, and then has gradually become more and more bitter toward me that I am so engrossed in the show, and getting more and more stressed out by it.

Everything came to a head when he told me one evening that he can't be happy about it, and he knows he should be proud of me and support me - but he can't, because I (apparently) spend more time thinking about the show than I do him.

I'm willing to admit that yes, I've been talking about it a lot, and I'm very, very excited about it. I rehearse every day (the show is in a week's time, so not too surprising), I'm making the costumes for it - and the other lead is a close friend of mine, so for him - I can see that it's sort of...invaded my every day life.

But him saying that he COULDN'T be happy that I'd got the lead, and that it just made him angry was just upsetting.

 

So, I attempted to spend more time with him when I was free, and I haven't talked to him about the show since, and have tried to cut down on talking about it while he's around. And his response has been to just cut me out more.

He has always been the sort of person who gets engrossed with games, and will gladly play them all day, but there was a point when I got back from lectures, came in to give him a hug and say hello, and by the time I got back from the bathroom, he'd started up a game.

 

Yesterday, he did nothing for Valentine's Day at all, he didn't even acknowledge it, and when I confronted him about his behaviour lately, his response was: "I've only been ignoring you, because you ignore me." ...and that he'd "like to let me do the things I love, but he finds it difficult"

Apparently, his response to me being upset and stressed has been to get some sort of petty revenge on me; and that's just ridiculous.

I don't ordinarily take the opinions of my friends as a given, but I have had at least six mutual friends ask if I'm alright, and comment on how badly he's been treating me recently. One of my friends summed it up in the fact that he sees me as a guarantee. He expects me to give up everything I'm doing for him, and he has (whether deliberately or not) poisoned the one thing in life that I am really excited about by letting me know that he can't possibly be happy about it and he has turned all this behaviour of ignoring me, and making me feel guilty back round to be my fault.

Right now, I need a boyfriend who can support me, and actually show some love to me, as opposed to someone who is willing to play petty games. It's got to the point where he is upset with me about something every single day, and I come in from something else in a great mood - right up until I see him. I'm generally a strong-willed person, and I don't often call on him to help me through stress - it's something I'm generally good at dealing with - but it says a lot that the one time I really need him to be there, he's turned away and tried to get me to apologise for needing him.

 

I'm honestly fed up with it, and I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm being utterly unreasonable, or whether I have put up with this for too long already...

[Moontiger]

He sounds controling, childish, and borderline mentally abusive. Playing mind games like this, being resentful that you have a life outside of him, and acting so immaturely are huge red flags.

 

My advice is to get out of the relationship.

[annie24]

Wow, he sounds like a jerk. Especially considering that the show is in 1 week, and then you'll probably do a few performances and that will be it, right? So, your schedule will be much clearer soon, right?!

 

Blah. I agree, he doesn't sound like he's treating you well. I might wait until after the show to break up, just so your head will be clear, but he doesn't sound like a very loving or supportive partner. Sounds rather childish in my opinion.

[pl3asehelp]

He doesn't sound very supportive and if that's what you're looking for, this is the wrong guy. I don't think it makes him a jerk though that he wants a girlfriend who has time to spend with him instead of her hobbies/job depending on how much time you guys actually spend together. For instance, if you work a 9-5 and then do all of this theater stuff at night, well you basically never see each other and then when you do all you do is talk about this - I can certainly understand how that would be an unfulfilling relationship for him, can't you?

[figur]

I had a similar experience with an ex-boyfriend. I'm in grad school and my advisor invited me to help write a book chapter with her. I knew it would be an awesome chance to get my name out there, but the way it worked out we had about 2 months to get it together. I was also preparing for summer field work and doing work for classes, so most of the work I put into this chapter was over my 2 week spring break. My ex was pissed that I wouldn't spend my entire break with him, which essentially to him meant sitting around because he didn't think we needed friends and hated going out. When I did set aside a free evening, he would just be angry. In so many ways he was emotionally abusive and manipulative.

 

I don't think people like this change very easily. They realize they're being petty and don't care - they still just want to get their way. You really need to look at this experience and see if it fits in a larger picture of him being controlling and demanding.