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Two guys; need to let one down


pseudofemme

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A few months ago, I attended a work conference where I met someone who, in all ways except gender, seemed to be my twin (same interests, uncannily similar life histories, finishing each other's sentences within five minutes of meeting, etc.). We had a whirlwind romance at the conference and decided to continue our relationship long-distance after it was over -- he lives a few states away but we both have a lot of travel flexibility. The plan was for me to come visit him next month and spend a few weeks together in person again. Eventually he'll be moving to my area for grad school.

 

Shortly after the conference, I also started talking more frequently to a colleague I've been friends with for the past two years, who was also at the conference. Although I was completely gaga over him for a long time, he was in a relationship, so I never made a move and tried to put it out of my mind. But he's single now. And after spending the last few months becoming increasingly close with him, he admitted that the reason he broke up with his girlfriend was because he's always felt like he belongs with me instead. When he told me this, I realized I can't deny it anymore: I've completely fallen in love with him. I can't give my heart to anyone else. It's insincere and unfair for me to try making a relationship with the first guy work -- I need to call it off with him.

 

The tough part is that both of them know each other, and all three of us are going to be seeing each other multiple times per year for work functions. I definitely don't want to burn any bridges or create unnecessary awkwardness.

 

I would love any advice on how to break up with the first guy in a way that's clear and honest, but as pain-free as possible. Obviously, the truth is the way to go -- but what exactly should I tell him? A vague "I can't be in a relationship with you because I have feelings for someone else"? Or should I mention the other guy by name and explain the situation in detail, since he'll find out about it anyway if/when the two of us start dating?

 

And timing-wise, I'd like to do the breakup as soon as possible... but would the day after Valentine's Day just be cruel?

 

Thanks in advance for any input!

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Just going to recreate this in my own language..

 

So you meet guy at Conferance A. Whirlwinds-a-plenty and spark bing bong you're in a long distance relationship after some good times. You get home and this guy who you have a real-he-heally big crush on starts to give you attention and admits he just dumped his girlfriend because he actually has feelings for you. So now you want advice on how to dump guy you met at conference A so you can do the same thing and get with guy who just dumped his girlfriend? You are all colleagues too?

 

Hmm, my advice is to spin in a circle and think about decision making for awhile.

 

If that doesn't do anything, just let the guy down as honestly as possible.

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Just going to recreate this in my own language..

 

So you meet guy at Conferance A. Whirlwinds-a-plenty and spark bing bong you're in a long distance relationship after some good times. You get home and this guy who you have a real-he-heally big crush on starts to give you attention and admits he just dumped his girlfriend because he actually has feelings for you. So now you want advice on how to dump guy you met at conference A so you can do the same thing and get with guy who just dumped his girlfriend? You are all colleagues too?

 

Hmm, my advice is to spin in a circle and think about decision making for awhile.

 

If that doesn't do anything, just let the guy down as honestly as possible.

 

Hi LDRohnos,

 

You can definitely interpret it that way based on what I wrote, but I left out a lot of details for the sake of simplicity. "Guy A" was the first person I had met in a very long time (years) that I actually felt compatible with, after several relationships with people I ended up not having much in common with. It wasn't just a slapdash decision to date him -- it was the first opportunity in a while that seemed to have real potential.

 

With the second guy (who actually also lives several states away), he didn't start giving me more attention -- I started giving *him* more attention while he was going through a very difficult period of his life (death of a family member) and needed someone to talk to who could relate. I'd long considered him among my best friends, but mentally squashed out the romantic feelings I'd had for him because I assumed he was going to marry his girlfriend. He also didn't dump his girlfriend just so we could get together; he dumped her because he realized his feelings for me were stronger than his feelings for her, and didn't think it was fair to stay with her. He had no idea I'd ever liked him as more than a friend, and when he confessed his feelings to me, was worried that it'd ruin the friendship because I wouldn't reciprocate.

 

I should also mention that I'd been having increasing doubts about guy A the more we spoke to each other, but was willing to wait and see how it panned out in person, because being long distance tends to amplify misunderstandings and mis-communication. So, it wasn't just that my feelings for this guy did a 180. During our whole time together he has been more of the chaser/pursuer, more aggressive in trying to establish a relationship than I've been. We also didn't commit to being exclusive to each other, though I don't like to date more than one person at a time.

 

That said... a lot of life's problems are resolved by spinning in circles, so I may just try that anyway.

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