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Blindsided by text from my bf, what to do?


WhiteLotus

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Please, somebody tell me if I'm overreacting to this, because I hope I am. But I am in shock over a text my bf just sent me. It started out by him telling me that his best friend of many years called to say that he was probably going to move at the end of the semester. I sympathized with him and asked where the friend was moving to. My bf said that his friend just wanted to get out of their hometown and wasn't sure where he'd go, but he had asked my bf to come with him and be his roommate. My bf did mention that maybe they could move to the city I live in. I asked him what would happen if his friend decided to move to a different state, or a different place in this state that is even further away than the two hour drive we already have to deal with, would he still go? His reply was "I honestly have no idea, I don't think so. But I don't know I will have to think about it." I was instantly hurt because you can read in my previous threads that we've been slowly working towards living in the same city and eventually living together, and now he says this.

I know he is really close to this friend (I have a previous thread regarding the two of them having sleepovers) but would he put his friendship ahead of our relationship? Two days ago he told me, without me even asking, that he wants to marry me someday. He said he's not ready yet, but he does want to. I completely agreed with him, and told him I'm not ready yet either. So I can't imagine that fear of commitment would cause this strange turn of events considering that we both agreed that we're on the same page regarding readiness or lack thereof. I'm just so hurt that he is dragging his feet on moving to my city just long enough for me to finish school, and said that even if he did move to my city it would be at least a year before he could do so, and now he's talking about moving with the bestie within a few months! I mean, what the hell? I don't know what to say in response to him, I haven't sent a text back yet. I'm sure by the time I get replies to this I'll have responded to him, but I had to get this out there for other people to see.

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I think you should just let it be. If he says he wants to marry you and is working his way towards living close to you then chances are that is what will happen. And if his friend is more important than that's just the way it is. No worrying or stressing about it is going to make his future decision any different. I know you are hurt because he implied that his friend may be more important than you, or that your plans may not work out, but unless he's telling you that he doesn't think that you are a good idea anymore or does something more dramatic (like actually move further away) then I would just roll with it.

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It's easier to move with a friend than to move to your gf's city - because that implies a lot of commitment. Which you know he's not ready for. And trying to tie a guy down when he may want to experience more out of life will just end up with him resenting you. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill.

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He's 22 and he still lives with his parents but should be done with school and in a better financial situation very soon, within a few months. We had originally talked about living separately in the same city for a while, just to get used to seeing each other more often before jumping into a situation where we'd be together all the time. Rent is pretty expensive where I live so I don't mind if he has a roommate. I don't care for this friend too much, but I'm sure we just have very different personalities and I'd never ask my bf to stop being friends with him unless the friend was getting him into really bad (unhealthy) stuff. If him living with this friend is what it takes for him to move up here, then I'm cool with that. His friend came here with him when we saw a concert together a couple weeks ago, it was the first time his friend had been to the city I live in and he said it seemed nice but it was "too fancy" for him, so I think my bf will have a hard sell getting his friend to move here. I think his opinion is ridiculous, since I live in a laid-back college stoner town, but whatever, that's not the main issue at hand here.

I guess I have more issues with his friend than I thought I did, now that I consider it. The first time his friend got in my car he loudly and repeatedly complained that it smelled like unwashed vagina. I brushed it off but my bf told me later that he thought the friend was directing it at me. He plays his music when we drive somewhere in MY car, and on the way to the concert he repeatedly yelled at my bf and I and told us to shut the * * * * up if we'd turn the music down so I could give my bf directions (he was driving my car and I was sitting in the back seat since his friend called shotgun). At the concert my bf and I decided to go outside and bum a cigarette from somebody. We've both been working on quitting, and doing very well, but we made an agreement with each other when we vowed to quit that it wouldn't be the end of the world if we occasionally bummed a cigarette from somebody as long as we didn't buy any and as long as we kept it an infrequent thing. His friend followed us outside and was very controlling and aggressive towards my bf, including telling him that he'd slap him if he bummed a cigarette. I finally was the one told him that my bf was an adult and he could make his own decisions and to stop telling him what to do. He did apologize to us later that night, but it definitely put a damper on what should have been an awesome experience. I hadn't mentioned my experiences to my dad, yet when he met the friend he mentioned that he noticed my bf seemed to act different. He also asked me if bf's friend was gay, to which I said I have no idea. I asked him why he asked, and he said he just got the feeling that he was. My bf mentions things to me like how the concert would have been more fun if his friend also had a gf to hang out with there instead of being a third wheel, but I've never even heard about him having any past gf's, let alone being interested in any girls right now. Could it be that his friend is jealous of our relationship? Yet my bf says that everybody important in his life loves me and thinks we're great together, which I'd think would include his best friend.

Ugh, now this has gone from being about him moving to being about his friend. I think I'm confusing myself more. My bf did send another text before I replied, saying "if anything I would move up to (the city I live in) anyway cause that's one less thing I'd be moving away from down here." Then he apologized for being a downer on Valentine's Day. I trust him to think of what's best for us, even if the opportunity to get out of the nest is tempting him. He said he'll talk to his friend this weekend about moving somewhere close to my city, even if they don't move to my city. I'm ok with that. I suggested a couple places to him are within about a 35 minute drive and it takes longer than that just to drive accross the city in some places.

Destiny78, thank you for your insight. You made me realize that, even if his friend might be trying to influence him in ways that wouldn't be healthy for us, if he's truly the right guy for me then he'll be able to recognize that and do the right thing. If he moves away with his friend then it will be a very clear sign that he's not the guy I want to spend my life with. I guess this is one of those important turning points in our relationship, I'm sort of excited now to see how it plays out.

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Putting his rude and disgusting friend aside, I would be upset too. You guys have been making plans to be together in the same city (even though there are separate living situations) and then his buddy comes out of left field and is like "Hey! I want to get outta here, you want to come with?" and then might be making plans to move even farther away.

 

I would tell him your feelings and all but obviously, you can't MAKE him do one thing. You can just tell him that you would be upset if he moved far away given what you guys have been talking about and that you wouldn't like if he did that. He can take that as he will. If he chooses to move further away, then perhaps it's time to re-evaluate.

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turnera- I both agree and disagree with you. Moving with a friend and getting a place together is easier and requires less commitment, yes. But moving somewhere far away and getting a place with a friend when you've been in a committed relationship for over a year? Not so cool. He's talked about getting an apartment with his friend for a long time and I've always supported him in it. I want to experience more out of life too, so I'm not trying to tie him down other than asking him not to move even further away than he already is. If it was the issue of us getting an apartment together then yes, I think waiting a year for him to move up here and live with me would be fine. I'm not ready to live with him yet. And I'm waiting to see what happens before telling him anything that might lead to a confrontation, so if I am making a mountain out of a molehill then at least I am keeping it to myself and the realm of ENA rather than bringing it up to him.

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Friends are friends for life. Bf/Gf, not so much. People can talk marriage and they can even plan marriage, but most times that doesn't happen and when it does, there is no guarantee it will last. friends are forever. I would relocate to live with one of my best friends, as long as it wasn't too far away. BF? no.

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