The Journey

[diariescs]

Because it's not easy. Because I need to try everything. Because it's over, and this is a good thing for me.

 

I need a place to-- you know what, I don't even know. I'm teetering between peace and pain, and trying to find the appropriate way to deal with this. I want to write about it, but I don't know how to without starting from the beginning. But if I start from the beginning, I'm afraid I'll lose the semi-peace and rekindle the enormity of my hurt and longing for my life last week, dysfunctional as it was.

 

So this is my attempt at creating a place where I can utilize many of the advice I've received and read about since Day -4 (I consider today Day 0 because it's when I finally got closure).

 

Tonight, I want to try writing down all the reasons I shouldn't be with this guy. I need to remember these reasons, carve them into my psyche, so that they can override the need for the familiar until the urge finally subsides. As a side-note, I do want to say that we had so much happiness in our relationship, but reading this makes me wonder how that could have been so. So here goes:

 

- I dumbed myself down for him.

- He lied, cheated, etcetera. I should've left him then. Instead, I gave him so many chances.

- His hygiene was often appalling.

- Sex = not good. In fact, it was a chore for the latter half of our relationship. I came off of him a total of eight times, probably. In three years.

- He is so insecure.

- We disagree on so many things, including racism, politics, privilege, work ethics, family, etcetera.

- You shouldn't say things that aren't true just to hurt the other person in a fight. You shouldn't throw low-blows. Apologizing for it does not erase the damage.

- He hit me. Lightly, and once, but he did!

- He is controlling, which I wouldn't mind if he was even the slightest bit accomplished. If he actually took care of me, treated me like a princess. Instead, he made me thank him for scraps of what I would have preferred to have.

- He made me choose between him and my family. He may not have said the words, but it was clear that I didn't love him enough if I didn't do this/that for him.

- He doesn't know how to just be happy for me.

- I haven't found him attractive in.. well.. ever.

- He is so temperamental.

- None of my friends or family like him or think he deserves me. Not one. That must mean something.

 

Blech, this isn't working for me. Only making me feel like I'm being unfair. Jeez, how could I have stayed with him so long if it was this bad? How good were the goods, really?

 

- He listened when I told him I needed him to change something. But that's about it.

- He did stop losing his temper so much. But I still had to tip-toe around him all the time. I felt like I was apologizing for every damned thing that shouldn't matter in the long run.

- He made me feel very safe when he held me.

- I told him everything. Again, another safety, comfort thing.

- He brought home random things for me sometimes. Or took me out to places he thought I might like. God forbid I say I want a particular thing, though. Watch him wait a week at least before delivering. But when he wanted something, it had to happen right away. Or maybe I just let him jerk me around, pretending it's okay.

 

I'm going to stop for now. This is.. I'm not sure about this.

-- End Chronicle Pt. I