miss him, I don't know what to do. is reconciliation possible?

[missyD]

I know this is going to be too long...but its been 5 weeks since the break up and I don't want to forget anything important. Bear with me.

 

I was with my ex-boyfriend for 3 and a half years…known him for a total of 5 (I'm 24, he's 23). We were best friends and soul mates and we both knew it. I always felt secure in our relationship. We survived 8 months of our relationship being long distance last year. During our undergrad years, in the summers when I was quite busy with work, he got needy, moody and clingy, but during the school months, I was the more needy one as he has more friends (and I wasn't very close with them).

 

Anyway, we were both back at school this year (him as an undergrad and me as a masters student) in the same town so we could be together (though not live together). We had a wonderful Christmas break together spent with each others families, and the day we got back to school (five weeks ago) he came over for dinner. Everything was fine, his passed on a birthday present from his mom to me and we were getting ready to make dinner.

Now, I made the mistake of bringing up our living situation in the summer, as my landlord wanted to know if I would be staying in the house and wanted to know that week, and I knew my ex had an empty room. I thought we could just have a simple conversation, and I didn't care about the answer either way, it just seemed like a practical possibility. All of a sudden he's all "I don't think I want to be together anymore" and he's breaking up with me. Apparently this is something he's been thinking about for 2 months (despite everything he said and the Christmas letter he wrote me saying "looking forward to another year" "we've been through so much" "you make me stronger and so happy") but never talked to me about it, just hoped things would work themselves out. He said he was tired from me leaning on him for support as I struggled with my program, and I understand that, but he always only offered to help! He would say I was his number one priority and I always told him no that shouldn't be the case, his life and his school should be number one, I will be fine. I always told him that.

 

An hour after he left he came back in tears, he didn't want to go home yet (but he also didn't want to get back together). The following week he was texting me, calling me, saying how he regrets it, love's worth fighting for, he misses me so much he's so sorry, he bolted because of the living together thing. But he would never undo the breakup. I saw him for the first time a week after the breakup and we were both a mess, but dug ourselves out of it, had a good time and it seemed like things could get better. He kept telling me how good I looked, we laughed and flirted, he cried about the breakup, I comforted him (probably a bad idea in hindsight). It took forever to say goodbye and neither of us really wanted me to leave.

Since then…things have not been good. He took me out for my birthday, which was weird at first...but then we had fun, like old times (and...sex. I know, I know), and I've only seen him three times since and each time I fake it through, pretending I'm great, I've accepted the break up, we're having so much fun together, this is great. But every time we part and its just a standard "I had fun too, bye!" with a hug and kiss on the cheek, and nothing seems to progress, I am filled with dread and its right back to waiting till he contacts me again. Initially, after 5 days of no contact he called me twice, upset, missing me, thinking about me, etc. When I returned his calls, I kept it short and light. But since then, he seems to be fine! And its driving me crazy. The last time I saw him, I gave him his stuff back. We ended up hanging out for 4 hours..which I know was way too much. I ended up crying a little when we parted.

 

Later that day, his band released a recorded version of my song (which is super romantic and personal and clearly about me, everyone knows), and I was listening to it, lost my mind and called him a few days later. All my calm cool NC attitude out the window I was begging him for answers, reasons for the break up, a second chance, it was horrible. All he could say (which wasn't much) was he was happier now, and he didn't miss me.

After the phone call I was a mess. Once I calmed down hours later, I emailed him an apology for that behaviour. Admitted I wasn't doing as well as I thought I was, and let him know that this week I've been really struggling with school and that feeling of failure coupled with the rejection of his breakup probably didn't help matters. He emailed me back, and called me back, to ensure me that he knew I didn't mean what I said, and that neither did he. He said that he said those things about being happier now and not missing me because he felt he had to be strong so that I can move on. He admitted that this hasn't been easy for him either.

 

His ultimate reason for the break-up (or so he claims) is that he is "at a point in my life where I feel as though I need to be on my own. I want to open a new chapter to my life so I can have new experiences to write about and share with people. The truth is that I was happy when I was with you, and I was even happy just knowing that I was making someone else so happy. I will miss that with all my heart, but I want to be brave enough to search for more and have new life experiences." He is 23, in his 5th year of a 3 year undergrad program, no job prospects, no direction, $20 000 in debt etc. (I know he sounds like a dream boat…what can I say). He has often struggled with determining the direction his life will take and I have always supported him, encouraged him, never pressured or nagged and he knows this.

 

Anyway, so after that disastrous phone call and the emails that followed, I did not contact him for over a week. He emailed (this past week) saying that this hasn't been easy, everyday he debates whether or not to call me, he misses me in his life, he still experiences moments where he feels a huge void in his life, and he's trying to figure out how he feels. He also said that while his mind has not changed about the break up (he seems to enjoy making that point clear), he can't just stop caring about me and wants to know how I'm doing. He had a show this past weekend, and he found out from a mutual friend that I was going to be out of town and told me in the email he was relieved I wouldn't be there, because he didn't know how he would react, and he wants to meet on our terms (whatever that means). He also told the mutual friend (who was grilling him for info, probably thinking they were helping me, but I think they probably just pushed him away on my behalf) that maybe we can see how things are in 6 months. Not sure why he has that number in his head. I worry that having a goal or something like that is going to keep him stubborn and not open to reconciliation before that point. On top of that, in light of the situation and the struggles Im having in school, I've decided not to stay for the summer, so in less than 3 months, I'll be leaving town. He doesn't know this, but has told me he's definitely staying (partly because of me he said) and we've got a long time to figure this out. :S

 

I waited a day to email him back. I basically responded to all the content in the email that wasn't related to the break up or my feelings, so he doesn't know whether I'm great or a mess. I think it has a fairly neutral/positive/indifferent tone to it. I didn't feel right just ignoring the email, but I know not to let on my true feelings and basically leave whats going on in my life a mystery. He never responded to my email. But, then this weekend he contacted me on two separate occasions over chat. The first time was short (10 minutes). I asked if he got the email, and apologized for the interfering friend, and he said he got it but didn't know what to say (?) He said he hopes I'm doing better (I didn't acknowledge that.. wasn't sure how) and now he wants to meet in the next couple of days to talk/catch up. I said yeah maybe. Thats about it.

 

Then, the following night (last night) he initiated a chat again, which lasted for an hour (I know! too long) and went pretty well but it was confusing. He started out by saying he'd been thinking about my birthday night and how much fun it was, "maybe too much fun :S." I wasn't sure how to take that so I said "no such thing as too much fun!" We talked about some things, nothing to do with the relationship. Occasionally something would come up, like something we used to do together, or both found funny and he would kind of hint at the break up being like, "yeah..." trailing off or whatever. I did I fairly good job of staying positive (or at least neutral) and deflecting any relationship talk. He commented on my Facebook, saying that he hasn't been able to avoid it, and he's been enjoying what I've been posting. Asked if I was posting these things just for him. I told him to get over himself (jokingly). Overall it was a fairly normal chat I think? He did say at one point that he misses me, and I didn't respond (I froze! I didn't know what to do). Then he asked if I wanted to get together this week...so he could give me my stuff back. I said it doesnt matter I don't need anything desperately, but he said he felt bad that he had it so much longer than I had his. He then suggested we could also meet for coffee or go for a "friendly stroll" if I was up to it. I didn't want him thinking I've been pining and miserable and "not up to it" so I said I was busy for the next couple of days, so maybe at the end of the week. Then we both said our goodbyes. Now I'm more confused than ever.

 

He won't change his mind about the breakup for 6 months (apparently) but is telling me he misses me, chatting with me for an hour, says he feels a void. Does he just want to be friends? If he just wants friendship, why tell me these things? Why ask for friendship with someone who was pathetically begging for you back 2 weeks ago? Why would you want someone around who has feelings for you still? I just don't understand. I was in no contact (though I feel like ignoring him would be bad)...he could have offered to give my stuff back without all the emails and chats and sentiments/jokes. And what did he mean when he said my birthday night was too much fun?!?! What does that mean?!??? I wish I'd asked....if I ask now it will seem like I'm obsessing (which I probably am).

 

I know I need to move on, accept the break up and stand on my own two feet without him before I have any chance of getting him back. I've been getting my life back in order, going to therapy regularly, and trying (though struggling) to get into a routine. I guess I'm just wondering what I should do…we've always been each other's best friends, and I guess he wants to still be friends. I want him in my life…and I used to think I would take him as a boyfriend or a friend, but maybe its too hard to do that now. He doesn't have many close friends. He always used to get really needy when we didn't see each other a lot (even over this past Christmas), could this happen again, or if I ignore him will he move on and continue to be happier without me? Should I not meet with him for coffee/a walk, and rather just have him leave my stuff at my house? Put it off till next week? I'm so utterly confused.

 

Again, I apologize for the length...everything just seems so important right now, and I only recently found this site. I wish I'd found it earlier. Any insight, advice, words of wisdom are appreciated.

[nfusion]

MissyD

 

My best advice is to start NC and stick to it. I was in a very similar situation as you… My ex of 4 years (we lived together for 3 years ) broke up with me back in October out of nowhere. I think it was outside influences and he wanted to do what he wanted, when he wanted, without having to worry about my feelings. After the break-up, we kept in touch, met up a few times, had fun and it felt like “things were getting better.” But the reality of it all was, it wasn’t….. We were both hurting, so we used each other for comfort. He still loved me, he just wasn’t IN love with me. Anytime he called or we hung out, I began to feel that there was hope of it working out… but it didn’t/hasn’t.

 

Your ex is just throwing breadcrumbs your way because he knows you will respond, he knows you will agree to hangout since you allow yourself to always be available. I know it’s hard, trust me, but don’t let him have his cake and eat it too… HE broke up with you, he now does not deserve to keep hanging out with you and getting your attention.. HE’s the one that didn’t want it anymore because he broke up with you. I know it’s hard to think logically right now because you are hurting and acting on your emotions, we all do it, but for yourself, you need to gain that inner strength and don’t respond to him or contact him. This was his decision, so let him be.

 

I’m still NC and I’m doing really well for it only being a few months. TRUST ME, it gets better. I know your state of mind is that you want it to work, he was your best friend, etc, my ex was my first love, but it doesn’t matter anymore because they didn’t feel we were worth it, otherwise we would still been with them.

 

The first few days/weeks will be hard, but you can do this. It’s time to move forward and heal. Sticking around and holding on to false hope will only make your healing process much more difficult.

 

Time does heal!

 

We are all here to help you.

[missyD]

Thanks for your advice nfusion. Its been 1 week of no contact (he contacted me once via text to cancel meeting up, I responded a short answer to a question, and we did not reschedule).

 

My question now is, we are both still friends on Facebook. I have taken down any profile pictures with him, and deleted any albums of like, vacations and concerts we went to together. He has left up the profile pictures of us, and all the photos of us together. I guess I'm wondering if I should be untagging myself from these? I don't want to send a negative message, but it would also probably hurt a lot if he did it out of the blue. And I won't lie, that little hopeful part of me is hoping he won't take them down and he'll see them and be reminded of me or something. I know thats pathetic, and just because they miss you, doesn't mean they want to get back together.

 

This still feels so surreal and its been 6 weeks. In moments I feel like I've accepted it...but then I wake up and I can't believe its true, thats its all happening and not a dream.

[nfusion]

I faced the same questions as well Hun. I ended up taking down all the pictures of us and he still had them up. I remember asking him early on why he still had them up and he said because they were good memories/pictures. Don't read into him still having those pictures of you two up, it doesn't mean anything. He probably just isn't ready to take them down for whatever reason. Eventually my ex took down our pictures and left the ones I was tagged in.

 

I know you don't want to be mean and all, but you need to do what's best for you. I kept him on my friend's list, it was fine for awhile, but then I would find myself checking on his page daily and several times a day. I would see the pictures he posted with his friends, looking like he has having a great time and it seemed like he wasn't affect by the break-up. It started affecting me. Don't torture yourself. Eventually, you will get to this point and you should avoid it now. What I did for myself, was I got rid of my FB account altogether. I got emails and phone numbers from people on my list I wanted to keep in touch with outside of FB and then I deleted my account. You need to do the same. I know you want it to workout and all, but it won’t; at least right now. He made his decision. The best thing to do is to keep NC with everything… no calls, texts, fb msgs, anything. I promise this will heal you and help you move forward. It will take awhile, but eventually you will start to feel better.

 

Do this for yourself. You can’t force someone to be with you or love you, even if you could, why would you? It wouldn’t be genuine. If he decides at some point in time that he made a big mistake and he wants to work it out and reaches out to you, then at that point, figure out your next step. Right now you need to tell yourself its over and move forward for yourself. This is your time for yourself. Trust me, it’s hard. It’s only been a few months for me and I still miss him and all this and that, but I stick with reality. He ended the 4 year relationship, he felt the relationship wasn’t worth it, he told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore. We tend to always remember the good times. Try to think about what he put you through, the hurt, the pain… Someone you trusted and thought loved you unconditionally. Someone you invested so much time with, took care of him, nurtured him, always had him in mind with the smallest things like going to the market and buying his favorite foods, etc. I do this all the time and it makes me realize that I gave my all and to him it still wasn’t enough. I deserve someone who will appreciate it and you do too!