red flag? thoughts and what would you do?

[mixxturey]

Okay, I wanted to come here and get some thoughts and advice. Thanks.

 

 

So I been with my girlfriend for a while and we have talked a lot about marriage and all of that stuff. I planning on proposing to her soon, she really has all of the qualities that would be great in a wife, and I have done a lot of stuff to prepare myself to be a husband and father.

 

 

I just got my PhD and am in my first year as a professor and she is graduate student. We met in a church on our campus when we were undergrads and we both still attend; many of our other friends still attend the church as well, many of whom are married with kids now, and there also are new college students who have come in the last few years. As I said, I have been talking with my pastor and many of my married friends about being a great husband and father and that is where I am at, really maturing into that.

 

 

Over the years, all of us would hang out after church but obviously as time has gone on and with many of the people getting married and having kids, the main group of people who hang out now are undergrads around 19 and 20. My girlfriend is a real people person and likes to hang out so some of the times she, who is 31, will want to hang out with the 19 and 20 year olds. And I have to admit that something that strikes me as odd is that in those times she will act as though the 19 and 20 year olds are her peers even though she is 31. I do have younger friends but it is clear I am an older brother figure and such to them while my girlfriend acts like these guys are peers. To use an example she has known her best friend, who is now married with kids and doesn't even hang out afterwards, for 21 years so they have known each other longer than the 19 and 20 year olds have even been alive.

 

 

 

As I said, I love her (she is really wonderful and I am thankful and blessed to have her in my life much less soon to be likely moving into a marriage with her) and am going to propose to her but seeing as how I see myself as husband and father within a year or so is the fact that she is 31 and considers 19 and 20 year olds peers a red flag? (And to be clear she is not perfect but this is the only 'issue' I have with her.)

 

 

Thoughts on anything I said? And what would you do in my shoes?

 

 

Thanks very much

[j1979]

She's 31 with no kids. Maybe a lot of 31's in your area are already doing the family thing. Because of this, maybe she feels more comfortable with the younger crowd.

 

I wouldn't consider this a red flag (for now).

[mixxturey]

Yeah, like I said literally just about all of our friends that are around our age are married with kids and that best friend of hers I mentioned has three kids now.

 

 

And if you don't my asking you at what point might I consider it a red flag? and in what manner?

 

 

Thanks

[mixxturey]

any other thoughts?

[WockaWocka]

And if you don't my asking you at what point might I consider it a red flag? and in what manner?

 

Is she drinking with these younger folks or supplying them with alcohol? That would worry me.

 

Does she pay attention to their drama to the point where she ignores you? (Healthy for couples to be independent, but not to always prioritize other friends over their partner).

 

Does she pay attention to newer friends at the expense of her longstanding friends and family?

 

 

My first read of your explanation is that I don't see any particular red flag. So if none of above ring true, then I'd have to ask: is it possible you are getting cold feet?

[calichick007]

Have you given any thought as to why you are constantly looking for reasons to leave this relationship? Many people have pointed this out to your in your previous threads. You seem desperate to find a "red flag."

[Ms Darcy]

Have you given any thought as to why you are constantly looking for reasons to leave this relationship? Many people have pointed this out to your in your previous threads. You seem desperate to find a "red flag."

 

Very well said.

[Generation]

Nah, it's not really a red flag if you ask me.

 

My older training brother is 36 years old, married with kids and he hangs with us like we're all the same age cause he can still relate to us, and we get along great. Where I train, I sometimes hang out with the 14-17, sometimes with the 28+ and I myself am 22. But it doesn't really mean anything, sometimes the conversations are different.

[mixxturey]

I appreciate what people have to say.

 

As I said, does her hanging out with these younger friends pose a red flag? In the sense that it maybe speaks to some immaturity or something like that on her part? Like at a point when we are married and as an example something might happen to, say, one of our kids or something else comes up, does this in any way imply that she might not able to handle it? And other relationship aspects of that nature?

 

 

I hope it is clear what I am asking. And to be clear I asking because I am getting close to proposing and all that entails, so I am pretty invested in her and all of this and I thought this is something good for me to ask about and understand.

 

 

Thanks

[abitbroken]

I think it is great that someone can be friends with people of all ages. If she were acting one way with you, and then smoking pot, getting stumbly drunk cruising the boulevard and yelling out of the car window to "boys" with these younger people, then I would be concerned. When I was 19-21, I had more intellectual interests than some of my peers and my best friend was a 28 year old woman. My other good friends were 22 and 30. We were just more on the same wavelength. The only time there was an obvious disparity was when we talked about relationships and i hadn't had one and she was asking for advice. But I would play devil's advocate. Other than that, we met based on a specific common interest. It seems that she met these folks in church or during church activities. If the average age of the churchgoers on campus are 19-20, that is who you are going to meet and that is your church family. As a PhD student, you are in the minority there.

 

Interesting, some churches I had attended it was the opposite. The 30 year old was the minority compared to the 80 year olds - but i made friends there too and no one said "why is the 65 year old woman going to lunch with the 28 year old??"

 

I think that if you want to meet people more your age, check out a sister church to the campus church not to leave your church but to see if they have different volunteer opps like mission trips, outreach programs that you can volunteer with or concerts to go to - you will be able to meet more people closer to your age or older than you. I think that after you marry and say you have kids, when you join groups that are involved with Sunday school, or just regular school, you will meet more people on your wavelength who are a few years older and have common interests.

[chitown9]

I don't see it at as a red flag or it ever becoming one. Your girlfriend is childless and so are these young women. That is the common denominator here. Once you are married and have children it stands to reason that your friends will be married with children. As of now, your girlfriend has nothing in common with a married friend with a child. Time to buy the ring....no more exuses.. ..chi

[Batya33]

I see it as a red flag that you're this concerned. I'm 45 and two of my good friends are in their late 20s/early 30s- so what? I think she should be friends with a wide variety of people and not based on marital status or whether they have children. I think it's kind of narrow minded to limit friendships to people who are doing exactly what you are doing at the time.

[chitown9]

I see it as a red flag that you're this concerned. I'm 45 and two of my good friends are in their late 20s/early 30s- so what? I think she should be friends with a wide variety of people and not based on marital status or whether they have children. I think it's kind of narrow minded to limit friendships to people who are doing exactly what you are doing at the time.

 

People are drawn together by like interests. Children is a like interest...chi

[Batya33]

People are drawn together by like interests. Children is a like interest...chi

 

 

Yes, that is one interest. But that doesn't mean that I would ever, ever go to the extreme that I should limit who I am close with based on whether I am married or have children. If I did that wow I would be missing out on so many close and wonderful friendships I have, some for the last 30 plus years. And it would make me boring, in a word, especially in my marriage. Nothing wrong with narrowing a circle of friends based on whether you are married or have children but it would be unhealthy for me and for our marriage too. I've never been like that and when I was single for many years I had many close friends who married and had children- the relationships had to accommodate those changes just like they did when it was my turn but no, we didn't end the closeness just because of a change in status. In one case it did -she ended it as soon as I had the baby even though two weeks earlier she was offering to spend nights with me when my husband had to travel to care for my newborn.

 

That hurt a lot and I'm not sure at all what happened. But that's just one example - the rest of my friendships are still close despite my getting married, having a child and moving hundreds of miles away. The Book The Girls From Ames is a great example of why keeping up those friendships is so very important even if it takes more work once marriage/family comes into the picture -or leaves.

 

To the OP - be proud of your fiancee at how diverse her interests are and how she's able to connect with a variety of people.

[mixxturey]

Thanks for all of the replies, people have good thoughts and feedback.

 

 

And as I said, she has a lot of great qualities and this is my only "issue"; but given her current amount of younger do you think this might mean that, when we are married and there up and downs (it wont be from me as I am always the greatest guy I can be to her) and I am dealing with the ups and downs as I should, she might have a harder time dealing with the ups and downs? Like it might cause her to have difficulty or something like that?

 

 

Hope what I am asking makes sense.

 

 

And as I also said, everything else is going as is and admittedly I much prefer her just as she is over a person who is much too severe and humorless.

[Batya33]

Thanks for all of the replies, people have good thoughts and feedback.

 

 

And as I said, she has a lot of great qualities and this is my only "issue"; but given her current amount of younger do you think this might mean that, when we are married and there up and downs (it wont be from me as I am always the greatest guy I can be to her) and I am dealing with the ups and downs as I should, she might have a harder time dealing with the ups and downs? Like it might cause her to have difficulty or something like that?

 

 

Hope what I am asking makes sense.

 

 

And as I also said, everything else is going as is and admittedly I much prefer her just as she is over a person who is much too severe and humorless.

 

I don't think her current choice of friends will have any impact on her ability to be in a healthy relationship.

[Maeva]

I think her being able to mix well with all age groups is great.

She obviously fits very well into her social world.

 

If you dont want to marry her because you dont love her you dont need to find a reason to split up, because not wanting to marry is enough of one already.

 

If you do want to marry her, you love her, and you are just nervous that she is socially relaxed and you are very conscious of position and place and role, dont let anything stop you! You dont have to marry someone who will bore you tears to be secure and happy.

My parents have had 49 mostly happy and always loving years together with a similar difference and it works well for them. Her warmth keeps him from being too chilly, his support and reliability keep her grounded. I think the trick is they play alongside as well as with one another, and dont try to change their styles. I envy them a lot.

[Tom1990]

And as I said, she has a lot of great qualities and this is my only "issue"; but given her current amount of younger do you think this might mean that, when we are married and there up and downs (it wont be from me as I am always the greatest guy I can be to her) and I am dealing with the ups and downs as I should, she might have a harder time dealing with the ups and downs? Like it might cause her to have difficulty or something like that?

 

I think only time will tell. I'm 40 and I have a lot of friends in their 20's; mostly coworkers. My gf is in her 20's. I just relate to them better. Most people my age are all married with kids and such. I can't relate very well to that.

[WockaWocka]

when we are married and there up and downs (it wont be from me as I am always the greatest guy I can be to her) and I am dealing with the ups and downs as I should...

 

You don't think you will cause any ups and downs yourself because you are always "the greatest guy you can be"??? THAT is a big red flag to me. You have to anticipate problems from both sides.