So guilty about being the dumper

[Attar]

I just broke up with my girlfriend & I feel like a horrible person. We went out for a little over a year. I chased after her, and at first she didn't believe I was serious, because she has such low self-esteem. We are both prone to depression, so the relationship had a lot of back & forth with us trying to cheer each other up, which eventually felt pretty draining. She started going to grad school, and kept working as well, so I ended up not seeing her very much. When I did see her, she would often fall asleep soon after she showed up, from being so overworked. She was really good to me, always made me food & did little things to make me happy, but I found it hard to do the same. I think I just ended up feeling like we were good friends after a while. I'm getting close to 40, and want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, and it didn't feel that way to me. I struggled with the idea of breaking up for a week or two, and she picked up on it & asked me about it by text before we had a chance to talk face to face. That's how it ended, a few days ago. I've been really sad, and missing her, but managing to keep it together by doing lots of projects.

 

She just showed up at my house & wanted to talk about it, hoping to change my mind. She was emotionally devastated, and though I already felt terrible, just seeing her face to face and hearing how upset she was really sent me into a downward spiral. I've been in a few LTRs, and I know this one probably didn't have what it takes to last, but being rational about it isn't helping. I broke her heart, and I'm finding it really hard to forgive myself. I've mostly been the dumpee in the past, and I think I tended to think that it was vastly preferable to be the dumper, but not anymore. I guess I can chalk it up as a learning experience, but it feels so miserable. I really care about her, and I've basically made her life hell.

 

Anyway, I don't know what kind of advice there is for our situation, but if you can help, please chime in...

[laninaperdida]

I don't have advice to give you, but I do have respect,

 

So many guys stay in a relationship simply because they don't want to be the bad guy.

Or are too lazy to find someone else.

They may even be "stuck" because of kids, house, car note, etc.

Even worse, they stay because they feel it's "that time" and regret it after they're stuck.

 

Please, don't feel like the bad guy.

If you weren't feeling it (and weren't simply afraid which I don't feel is the case) then you weren't feeling it.

You should feel guilty if you stayed with her when your heart wasn't in it.

Not because you ended it.

[Generation]

Do you think you might have made a mistake?

[Attar]

You should feel guilty if you stayed with her when your heart wasn't in it.

Not because you ended it.

 

Yeah, I was feeling guilty about still being with her when I was feeling that way, it was becoming hard to look her in the eyes, kiss her & so on. This feels worse, though I know it's right. I'm just worried about her, she said she had to leave class the other day because she was shaking & was going to lose it. She's told me before that she's had suicidal thoughts many times, and doesn't value herself at all. Ive tried since I met her to make her realize how great she is, but it only seemed to make a slight difference. I think doing things for me made her happy, and I took that away. Now the breakup has added another level of self-loathing, and I'm worried about her...

[Attar]

Do you think you might have made a mistake?

 

No, I don't think so, it didn't feel right to me. There was another (5 year) relationship I had where it felt much different, more balanced, and I was basically ready to get married. When that ended, I was pretty much in the same state as my current ex, so I think that is partly why I'm feeling so terrible. It screwed me up for a long, long time, and I hate to think of myself being responsible for causing so much pain to someone I care about.

[learning2relax]

No, I don't think so, it didn't feel right to me. There was another (5 year) relationship I had where it felt much different, more balanced, and I was basically ready to get married. When that ended, I was pretty much in the same state as my current ex, so I think that is partly why I'm feeling so terrible. It screwed me up for a long, long time, and I hate to think of myself being responsible for causing so much pain to someone I care about.

 

Thank you for sharing where you are at and how it is affecting you. It is really nice to hear that as much as we are suffering when being the ones that were let go, the one that made the decision to end the relationship can have strong feelings about it too. Tough place to be.

[HLamb]

I'm going through these guilty feelings myself. I broke up with someone that treated me so well and always thought of me. Similar to you, it was hard for me to reciprocate the same level of feelings and ultimately felt it would be best to break up. I even think that I may never find someone that will ever be that good to me. It is somewhat sad that I can't appreciate her more.

 

I think the guilt comes from having been devastated before from being a dumpee. I swore that I would never hurt someone like that but yet it seems like I have done so. I'm still there for her if she needs to talk as I know how horrible it feels to be ignored by someone you thought loved you.

[The_Seeker]

Let me get this straight, were you upfront what you wanted and needed from her? If not, how is she suppose to know how to be better?

 

Also, if it's been a year, was there any sex involve? Or did she deny you that?

 

I just want a clearer understanding.

[Tom1990]

Don't ever let yourself think you're the bad guy. You did what you had to do. She will be fine, but it's not your concern right now. Your concern should be you.

 

This could be a process you both have to go through. You may get back together somewhere down the road. You may have opened each other to new, better posibilities. Anything could happen at this point.

[Attar]

Let me get this straight, were you upfront what you wanted and needed from her? If not, how is she suppose to know how to be better?

 

Also, if it's been a year, was there any sex involve? Or did she deny you that?

 

I just want a clearer understanding.

 

I was definitely up front about everything, it was a case of our personalities being too similar. We got into a codependent thing, where one of us would be depressed, and the other would do everything they could to make things better. It wasn't very healthy and that's why I felt like it needed to end.

 

The sex was amazing, no problems there.

[Attar]

I'm going through these guilty feelings myself. I broke up with someone that treated me so well and always thought of me. Similar to you, it was hard for me to reciprocate the same level of feelings and ultimately felt it would be best to break up. I even think that I may never find someone that will ever be that good to me. It is somewhat sad that I can't appreciate her more.

 

I think the guilt comes from having been devastated before from being a dumpee. I swore that I would never hurt someone like that but yet it seems like I have done so. I'm still there for her if she needs to talk as I know how horrible it feels to be ignored by someone you thought loved you.

 

This is the situation exactly. Sorry to hear you're going through the same thing.

[Attar]

She texted me today asking how I could do this, I'm trying to help, but it's not doing much good. I'm afraid she might hurt herself or worse. She's completely without hope. I'm trying to reassure her that it will get better with time, but at the same time I remember how impossible that idea seemed to me when I went through my last breakup. This is turning out to be a great Valentine's Day

[HLamb]

She texted me today asking how I could do this, I'm trying to help, but it's not doing much good. I'm afraid she might hurt herself or worse. She's completely without hope. I'm trying to reassure her that it will get better with time, but at the same time I remember how impossible that idea seemed to me when I went through my last breakup. This is turning out to be a great Valentine's Day

 

Yes... It does seem impossible to believe that things will get better when you're going through it but we eventually do. It's especially hard when you don't have close friends or family to lean on during this time. If she does, then I hope she's talking to them. I believe in treating people the same way that you would like to be treated. Perhaps you can draw from your own experience on going through this to see how to help her best. Sorry that you guys are going through this on Valentine's Day. At least the day is over.