Completely lost with what to do.

[lostlion]

First off this is my first post on this forum even though I've lurked these boards for nearly 7 months now. I've really learned quite a bit from complete strangers, but it's come to a point where I'd appreciate some advice regarding my personal scenario.

 

I've been out of what I would consider my first true relationship since late July, which lasted around 4-5 months. While to some of the older contributors it may seem like a short time it meant a great deal to me personally. The relationship between myself and my ex was based of a friendship we formed as freshmen in college where we became literally attached at the hip. We were in various clubs together, and in general were very supportive of each others endeavors in school pushing each other to be the best. We also shared quite a bit in terms of interests and personal values, but also learned quite a lot from each others experiences throughout our short lives. Over time it became apparent that there we stronger feelings toward each other as we spent more and more time together. Eventually, we decided to enter a relationship as it felt like a natural progression to our strong friendship.

 

With that being said our relationship became a LDR due to the fact that she was to transfer out to main campus at our university, which has 19 campus' in total. She also wanted to get some work experiences pertaining to her field of choice so she decided to go to that campus to work a job during the summer. I would be transferring the following fall, which would be Fall 2012. The both of us put in an effort to make the distance between us as negligible as possible, but I truly believe it was more difficult for myself considering I wanted to be there with her, but also because I was anxious to get down to main campus and absorb everything it had to offer. While working during the summer she also had one of her long time high school guy friends there taking classes. I only met him once, but it was apparent we disliked each other when we met with him going as far as calling me a "jerk/condescending". I've fairly introverted with my MBTI being INTJ, and one of my weaknesses that I've noticed is that I struggle with understanding how I come off to people even though I genuinely want to be liked.

 

I also know that I was always at a disadvantage when it comes to dating her as I could tell her entire support system didn't approve of me even though most of them didn't know me personally. I absolutely adored her father even though I could tell he was wary of my intentions, and I loved the long discussion thoughtful we had whenever I was at her home. That being said I knew I had an uphill battle, which I wanted to show everyone I was a good person who loved her. She told me that she had at times been nagged at why she didn't date the guy friend from high school by her mother as well has her mother and other friends. It was apparent that I really did have a challenge, but I believed that our bond was strong. I could also tell that those in favor of her guy friend were very adamant at making it happen, and well their persistence succeed.

 

We had our struggles as a couple we're human. I can at times be pessimistic especially as someone who is working toward an engineering major along with my life experiences that have shaped me into the person I am. She was working diligently over the summer to be able to pay her tuition bills for the upcoming year. Her guy friend with his parents came on strong toward the end of our relationship wooing her, and most likely planting the seed others had as well about my person. She eventually had to return home for a few weeks before the new semester after a fallout with her coworkers that affected her deeply as a person. I had planned a fun weekend with her, but instead of my happy girlfriend I picked up a girl who was conflicted and emotionally damaged. Rewriting this hurts me so much especially this part because I was helpless because she didn't want my assistance. She mentioned she had seen the guy friend the night prior because she couldn't share the same dorm with her coworkers, and honestly I don't know what transpired, but it hurts. The rest of the weekend I tried to cheer her up and make the best of what was a bad situation she had gone through offering to do anything I could as a person. At the end I was dumped with the "I need time and space line","we can be friends",and "I'm not ready for a relationship" out of the blue without really knowing the issues and unable to work things out. About 3 weeks after that she's in a relationship with that guy friend, which gutted me. I eventually decided to delete my Facebook for good. We were NC since late August, and she contacted me last week asking me whether I'd be transferring to main campus this fall, and that she wanted to try be "friends" again. I answered that I would be transferring, but regarding friendship I don't know telling her simply because I don't trust her.

 

With all honesty I don't want to be number two or just another ex. I also feel betrayed especially with regards to how she handled the breakup and her subsequent relationship. I ask myself why would I want to be her friend especially when she's with the guy who ruined me. I love her to death I really saw something with her, and I'd be willing to work things out with her in a new relationship. That being said if she doesn't want that I know I have to let go and walk into the sunset. I'm so conflicted because I was so loyal, and honestly I don't really see other girls anywhere close to her because we shared such a strong connection on so many levels. I just want to tell her those things in person because I know words and emotion can be lost with words considering everyone interprets things differently. I think about her everyday and wish I could share my achievements and my personal improvements including my improved fitness and my success in the classroom. I needed to get this off my chest and maybe get someone else's perspective because it's been biting me for months, but now even more.