I finally did it! - Told her I knew everything and initiated nc HARD

[tomato]

After 5 weeks NC then her breaking it and just starting chit chat with me. To meeting up and having loads of fun twice.......then another 4 weeks of not talking.........Now I finally came clean.... I told her I knew she had been flirting with her "friend" and that she broke up with me and had sex with the little boy (just out of school and she is 22 - so he really is still a boy in comparison - I had to lol and say thats sick) just a short while after (depending on when we broke up its anywhere from 3 days to 6 weeks after we "broke up").

 

I told her all of this and she said it was fine! She denies starting flirting with him while we were still together and says the sex was just natural part of "getting over someone"!!!!! Is it just me that finds this the most despicable way possible of "getting over someone" - what !

 

You don't get over people you love! You hold onto them even if they ignore you for a year right?

 

Is this just me being romantic and old fashioned and should I change to see relationships as throwaway items that you scrub out by children? Is that what is the done thing? Am I the only idiot here that finds that disgusting and just WRONG?

 

I still love her - I couldn't ever do that to her - I even broke up with her once and when it was me doing the dumping I would never have done that. I take it HARDCORE NC is the only thing to do here right?

[EgoJoe]

Yes, Hardcore NC. Kudos to you for grabbing your nuts and standing up to her. You know what she said was BS. Now you can MOVE ON!

[pippy longstocking]

hello my darling tomato

I have missed you

 

one of my male friends ...in his early 50's , his view of getting over an ex is also to go and have sex with someone else , anyone in fact ....best way to move in in his mind

 

so your ex is not the only one who views it like that

 

its not for me

 

but different courses for different horses .

 

how old is this lad out of school ...was he the legal age ? if so then what difference does it make who she went with ...don't focus too much on that ...just let it tell you what her opinions are and what she is about.

 

now

 

yes

 

hard core no turning back nc

[pl3asehelp]

I agree with her from one perspective. If I was dating someone and we broke up, the only way for there to be any hope of reconciliation is if she hadn't slept with anyone else. Once that's done, to me, it's over.

[TomboyMS]

I take it HARDCORE NC is the only thing to do here right?

Yep. Sorry, dude.

[tomato]

I agree with her from one perspective. If I was dating someone and we broke up, the only way for there to be any hope of reconciliation is if she hadn't slept with anyone else. Once that's done, to me, it's over.

 

Well I suppose thats one way of giving it finality yes - bit like killing yourself is aswell! What I'm asking is - is that really what you do to someone that is supposedly the love of your life? is that not the most disgusting thing you can do?

[DrKitten]

It's none of your business what she does after you've broken up.

[tomato]

Yep. Sorry, dude.

 

haha you finally found out how it ends - I finally broke - I think you will agree I tried everything I could - and that term is overused so I need to say REALLY EVERYTHING - I waited as long as makes sense - even after she ***** a pathetic boy..... I really think I put in a very long slog for her right!? This is definitely not me giving up too soon right? I can safely say I did far more than anyone else including her would have done?

[tomato]

It's none of your business what she does after you've broken up.

 

I thought this might come up - the point is that she started flirting with him while we were going out and probably sent him pictures. I was suspicious and called mad for suspecting something was up - and she still says I was wrong not to trust her! Well the fact that she had sex with him after we broke up - lets say 3 days after - means that it is my business to some extent since it means I was right not to trust her and was not paranoid and overprotective but RIGHT. She also met up with me afterwards and said she would never have sex with any other guys and didnt want to have sex before marriage - so these facts show she was lying - these things make it some of my business - who even cares if its my business thats not what is important here.

[pl3asehelp]

Well I suppose thats one way of giving it finality yes - bit like killing yourself is aswell! What I'm asking is - is that really what you do to someone that is supposedly the love of your life? is that not the most disgusting thing you can do?

 

Well, she may have told you you were the love of her life at one time in the past, but the fact that she broke up with you and slept with another dude tells you where she's at in the present.

[MikNomis]

It's more cutting your losses than giving up in my opinion.

[tomato]

hello my darling tomato

I have missed you

 

one of my male friends ...in his early 50's , his view of getting over an ex is also to go and have sex with someone else , anyone in fact ....best way to move in in his mind

 

so your ex is not the only one who views it like that

 

its not for me

 

but different courses for different horses .

 

how old is this lad out of school ...was he the legal age ? if so then what difference does it make who she went with ...don't focus too much on that ...just let it tell you what her opinions are and what she is about.

 

now

 

yes

 

hard core no turning back nc

 

it tells me she'll throw herself and open her legs at the click of a finger within a few times of meeting him for the first looser that tells her she's pretty.... thats what it tells me about her - my friends said they saw it I believed her lies she told to make me think she was the opposite.... I was tricked

[tomato]

Yes, Hardcore NC. Kudos to you for grabbing your nuts and standing up to her. You know what she said was BS. Now you can MOVE ON!

 

Thanks ego for your input from the start! I think you were right, however. I think I should have made more of an effort while we were still together and right after she broke up with me. I probably could have got in there and started things again before she ***** some boy to try and cope with the pain. But after that if that didnt work yes THEN NC would have beenthe best thing to do and I should have been harder - not given in to her until she came clean like you suggested.....it just ended up with me having to force her to come clean.... which I think has just destroyed everything more...... better to have waited for her and said nothing.....

 

lol just remember she said it was only once - as if that makes it any better!

[AllIsFair]

Yeah I was given that line too, 'the best way to get over someone is to get under someone'... Well maybe it's true if you just needed that someone for pleasure and a warm body, but a real connection and relationship deserves quiet reflection and true grieving to get over. Glad to see that you seem to be moving through the stages toward acceptance, Tomato, you must hold onto your self-respect at all costs. I think you know what you need to do for your own best good and to make peace with it all, come whatever may be later on. Wishing the best for you bud.

[tomato]

I FEEL LIKE I DID TOO MUCH DAMAGE!

 

Is there any way of doing damage limitation on this and maximising the chances she will break NC (I know it could be months - but I'm fine with that). I did kind of call her a w**** 4 times and that she disgusted me.......?

[DrKitten]

Why do you even want her back if you think so poorly of her?

[HeartGoesOn]

I FEEL LIKE I DID TOO MUCH DAMAGE!

 

Is there any way of doing damage limitation on this and maximising the chances she will break NC (I know it could be months - but I'm fine with that). I did kind of call her a w**** 4 times and that she disgusted me.......?

 

Wow, I was with you, up until you posted the above!

[tomato]

Why do you even want her back if you think so poorly of her?

 

I have met someone else that I would probably consider superior in every way and that could be brilliant - I just think it is wrong - I dedicated myself to her - once I do that I dont give up - in anything in life I have never given up

[tomato]

Wow, I was with you, up until you posted the above!

 

I feel a bit bad - maybe I was too harsh - shes just a lost immature girl that needs some help - and I was not nice

[pippy longstocking]

tomato

 

tomato

 

come on mate , was this thread you just lying to yourself ?

 

you cannot start thinking about damage limitation and blaming yourself ...

 

this isn't about winning a battle ..finishing what you started ...

 

this is about holding your head up high and finally putting the first half of this thread at the forefront of your mind.

 

you asked if you did everything ? yes ...do did .....you did ..

[doiiiieeezie]

If you want respect then you need to stand by what you said. She plays you because you don't follow through with your actions. If you care about the damage done, then the only way to regain is to stand your ground. Don't fall back on what you said.

[fxer82]

doesnt anyone have Honor in themselfs, loyality in themself, Repect for themselfs....she did you wrong, you can not change that and forever if you stayed or go back to her you will only start right back with no respect, no loyality, no honor... sorry for your loss but it is a lesson for you both..life is tuff and we cannot except to be treated in a way that breaks us up..go with HARD CORE N/C for life with this one, but dont carry it into a new relatitionship when you are cured of her...be right for yourself you will know when...it will be hard you can do it..believe in yourself you can do it....

[brandnewday47]

Following your story over the last few weeks, I'm sorry this has happened. Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom to see clearly.. I know from experience (twice!) that this isn't how you figured things would go.

 

I have met someone else that I would probably consider superior in every way and that could be brilliant - I just think it is wrong - I dedicated myself to her - once I do that I dont give up - in anything in life I have never given up

 

Tomato, I'd point out that she already gave up. I know how it is, I never quit on things... when i see people in life/sports/work quit it is almost the worst thing I can think of. To me, there is no greater insult that to be labeled a "quitter". HOWEVER.... you need to really let it go and worry about yourself for now. You aren't quitting, she already did... stand up for yourself dude.

 

Also, don't drag another person into the emotional grinder unless you are ready. She might be a catch.. but make sure you won't end up hurting her as well. That being said, in your eyes she sounds great - and possibly an upgrade

 

If you want respect then you need to stand by what you said. She plays you because you don't follow through with your actions. If you care about the damage done, then the only way to regain is to stand your ground. Don't fall back on what you said.

 

Listen to doiiiieeezie, she gives great advice. Stand your ground... enough is enough, right? This is how life goes sometimes.. and you just have to roll with it.

[EgoJoe]

You are experiencing ego regrets. They will pass, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. The damage was already done. Don't blame yourself.

[RGWT]

HOw long was the relationship?

 

 

I wonder about this damage limitation in my situation. You're remote for 3 years, ungrateful and quit having sex which makes your partner even more insecure, then one day you snap out of it and become everything she ever wanted but it's too late. She is now still living in the city of dreams with a great job, apartment, friends and probably guy prospects.

 

NC will probably not work in getting someone back most the time, but will improve your life in other aspects. It is for me, but I don't expect to love again.