I am the dumper but want my ex back

[yelwed]

My ex and I broke up about 12 months ago. I was the one to end it as we just weren't getting along. At the time we had a lot on our plates with work, we lived so far away from each other and other things so trying to work on our relationship was just wasn't the right time.

 

Over the time we stayed LC but at one stage we didn't even chat for 6 months. At Christmas time we started chatting again. After some chatting I told him how I felt and that I would like to give us another chance. He told me he couldn't, he just wanted to be friends (there is no-one else). It wasn't what I wanted to hear. He told me he didn't know if I would end it again and he doesn't want to do that but at the time we broke up, I thought he understood why I ended it, he wasn't happy at the time as he had so much going on, I felt like I was tieing him down.

 

He lives 2.5 hours away from me. I was in the area last Friday so I thought I would just send a message to him to see if he wanted to catch up which he agreed. I went to his place, had dinner and left the next morning and everything was fine, it was really good in fact. It felt like I have never left, it felt so comfortable.

 

The next day I got a text message saying I left somethig behind. He told me that is a good thing as it meant I have to visit him again soon. I didn't read into it too much as I didn't want to get my hopes up.

 

I don't know what to do now. I so want to be with this guy but it is a horrible feeling knowing that I can't have him. I have been on dates on the past 3-4 months but when I go out with these guys, all I think about is him. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. I thought if I gave him some space and let him get done what he needed to get done, when we got back together things would be so much better but it backfired on me. I thought he understood at the time too what I was trying to do. I regret it every day, I just thought at the time I was doing the right thing.

 

Do I just leave this guy alone and move on with my life. Do I just stay LC and hope he changes in mind in time and hope his feelings change? I don't want to tell him again how I feel as I think that will just push him away.

 

As it Valentine's Day, is it ok to send a message wishing him a Happy Valentines Day?

 

I look forward to anyone's advice please. Thanks

[EgoJoe]

Have you tried saying exactly this to him?

[yelwed]

Yes I have. He just keeps saying that I might do it again and that I have moved on and he can only offer me friendship. I don't know how to convince him otherwise

[Gerda]

After some chatting I told him how I felt and that I would like to give us another chance. He told me he couldn't, he just wanted to be friends (there is no-one else).

That's it. It's over. Yes, you move on and leave him alone. I wouldn't wish him a happy Valentine's Day either. Turning someone down takes courage, most people find it easier to lead someone on. If he had the courage to turn you down point blank, then he must've really meant what he said.

[EgoJoe]

He might also be saying that to see if you'll try hard enough to prove that you know it wasn't a mistake. A guy's pride is a serious thing, sometimes healthy and sometimes not.

 

Try to do something big and meaningful and ask to take it slow to prove that you mean it. If he still rejects you, move on.

[yelwed]

Thanks EgoJoe. What do you mean by something big and meaninful? Do you mean buy him something etc?

[BrianH46]

If you want him back do things that got him to fall for you in the first place. Stop treating him as your ex that you share a past with because all that does is bring up memories of you dumping him. When someone gets dumped and moves on it takes a lot of self talk and convincing oneself to move away from the relationship. Try flirting with him and don't bring up the past. I was dumped by my ex and the first few months I wanted her back so badly but now 6 months later I'm starting to move on and lose my desire to be with her.

[Thorshammer]

I agree with ego-joe. When the girl came out of the blue and i attracted them back, i couldnt take them back, this goes double for those i had to make the effort and attract like a stranger. I am very prideful and stubborn, and i felt what she did was was never enough.

[EgoJoe]

Buy him a meaningful present for valentines day and write him a logical letter detailing everything. Tell him you'd be willing to start from Day 1.

 

Invite him to dinner, pay for it. etc. Spending money is one thing but spending money the right way is another.

[penelope13]

I don't think buying presents will take his (justified) fear from him that you may dump him again when things will get tough in the relationship (and nearly all relationships go through tough times).

 

Getting back with someone can only work, if you both have identified what lead to the break up, you both have learned how to avoid those issues, and you both separately come to the conclusion that you want to try again.

 

I think this is where you majorly went wrong: when you broke up with him (if this is indeed the true reason) supposedly to give him space to deal with the other issues in his life - you took away the right from him to make decisions about his own life. If you had said that YOU needed space/time away from him to get your own life on track - fair enough. However stating that you did it on HIS behalf seems to put the blame on him, and it's actually quite an arrogant thing to do in a relationship to make decisions for the other person without checking if that is what the person really wants.

 

The other problem is that (regardless if you did it for him or for yourself) a relationship will go through stressful situations regardless how strong your love may be. Considering that in a progressive relationship, the responsibilities and outside pressure will only increase (shared and increasing financial responsibility - house, mortgage etc - , children, ailing family members ... ) you have demonstrated that you couldn't deal with the pressure in a fruitful way by talking it out and trying to find a way to deal with the stress, but instead resorted to breaking up.

 

So, if you really want to get back together with him, you need to demonstrate that

a) you will never take a decision away from him again

b) you understand that you didn't communicate properly with him and that you are seriously willing to learn how to deal with extreme outside stress.

[EgoJoe]

Penelope is spot on and that was what I was alluding to in the logical letter. The spending of money in the right way is an investment though and it won't go unnoticed to that respect.

[pl3asehelp]

I agree this is your best chance. However, if I were your bf, I would still not take you back. For me, once someone has decided to let me go, any attraction I've ever had for them evaporates and I'm on to someone who does want to be with me - no going back.

[yelwed]

I ended it because this guy would yell at me. He had some pressures in his life but I didn't appreciate him yelling at me so that is why I thought it is best to give him some space so that when we did get back together, times would be fun again. You are all right that I probably did the wrong thing but it seems like I don't really have a chance, maybe I just need to let him go which will be very difficult. I guess I just need to learn from this.

 

I don't think buying him a gift will help me in anyway. When I spoke to him at Christmas time about getting back together and all he could give me was friendship, I think deep down it shows that is all that I am going to get. He is a guy, if he wanted me, he would have taken me back but that didn't happen.

[EgoJoe]

Yelwed, both Thor and I have said it to you. Pride is a HUGE issue with guys and taking back a Woman. If you give up at just asking him then he knows he made the right choice in rejecting you.

 

You made a mistake? You want him back? Prove it.

[penelope13]

I thought it is best to give him some space so that when we did get back together

 

Of course he shouldn't yell at you when he is feeling pressure.

 

However, breaking up as a means to get a point accross (i.e. already hoping for a reconciliation before the breakup ever took place) most often backfires and is not a healthy way of communicating.

[yelwed]

You made a mistake? You want him back? Prove it.

 

How do I prove it. Won't sending him something or giving him a long letter etc push him away? That is what I'm most frightened of.

[CindyTime]

Hi Yelwed. I was also the dumper in my R (could have been him just as easily though). We had 4 months of LC. I reached out to him about 3 months ago to talk about our R. He had met someone by then (a LDR with a lady friend he knew in school).

 

I just wanted to stop by and say I understand trying to figure it out looking backwards. I'm learning that even if the other LDR doesn't last, we need to start from scratch, and fall for each other all over again. I can't even begin to work on what was wrong in our R until then (if that ever happens).

 

I'm taking advantage of the time I have now though....working on things in myself, making new friends, and enjoying life. I figure no matter what, I'll be in a better place.

 

We have regular contact, and since we didn't burn any bridges, our interactions are amicable. I am one of the lucky ones on here to still have contact (or unlucky depending on how you look at it).

 

I like the input you've received so far. I'll keep following. Maybe I'll learn something too.

[penelope13]

The first proof would be to show that you are willing to take emotional risks, i.e. make yourself vulnerable to be rejected. This could be in a form of a letter explaining where you went wrong and how your are hoping to remedy this in the future if he would be willing to give you another chance.

 

In the letter you don't have to do a 100% 'mea culpa' - but it should be an honest one. If he contributed to the situation you can state that in a NON accusatory way (i.e. something along the lines of: we were both under a lot of pressure and we both didn't deal with the pressure in an appropriate way. I didn't appreciate you yelling at me, however I equally failed to express my feelings correctly by simply breaking up instead of telling you ....)

[robintoronto]

My ex did the exact same thing as you did. For whatever f'ing twisted reason she thought it would ok to break up and then get back, but it was absolutely unacceptable for me.

 

She will never know how much the breakup hurt me. What kind of loss I experienced. A breakup to me is permanent, period. And there was no way I would *ever* let her hurt me the same way again.

 

As for you, I'll choose to refrain from making a harsh comment over what you did. Just leave him alone.

[yelwed]

Well that last comment hurt a bit. I had to do what I had to do at the time as I couldn't handle someone yelling at me all the time. It was not my intention to hurt him.

 

I have taken everyone's advice on board and have decided to leave him alone. If he wants to work things out I guess he will contact me as he knows how I feel. I have told him many times previously.

 

Thanks for everyone's advice whether it was what I wanted to hear or not.

[EgoJoe]

You are letting your pride defeat you due to rationalization.

 

Stop defending your actions, if you want him back you clearly believe it was a mistake.

 

I didn't say this before but I'll just be honest, I honestly believe that he rejected you because he could tell you still didn't think you made a mistake. His yelling while unacceptable probably didn't happen for no reason and was still possible to work through.

[CindyTime]

Well that last comment hurt a bit. I had to do what I had to do at the time as I couldn't handle someone yelling at me all the time. It was not my intention to hurt him.

Yeah, I kind of agree. It takes guts to come here and share your heart and regrets with complete strangers. Sometimes the advice is hard, but it doesn't have to be cruel. That makes it hard for some people to share what they are feeling. Everyone needs support sometimes, and people make mistakes.

 

Yelwed,

I completely get where you are coming from. PM anytime if you need something okay?

[Dahlia88]

What I have noticed on here is that dumpers seem to be "bad people". I keep thinking to myself that by virtue of human nature, the dumpee's story is likely that of a victim who was deeply wronged. No one knows much beyond what's posted so I don't blame the responses.

 

Anyway, I'm not convinced that you made a mistake. It is very easy to idealize/romanticize what you had previously ESPECIALLY after you have dated and met a couple of jerks. Knowing what I know today, if my BF continuously yells at me because he is stressed out and frustrated, that will be a definite break up conversation starter because since life could be brutal, it means I will be getting yelled at quite frequently.

 

Also from personal experience, it can *never* be the same again between you and your ex. No matter how much you try to prove to him that you won't do it again, you don't know the future. You are probably going to spend the relationship walking on eggshells and trying not to break his heart again EVEN WHEN he feels like being a jerk. My ex took major advantage of that and there was a very clear imbalance of power with me always trying to be nice and loving even when he was taking advantage of me. BTW, he'd always make subtle remarks about the previous breakup I initiated and that was very hurtful to me. I had to swallow it all because I didn't want to hurt him again. I wouldn't go through that one more time for a million bucks.

 

The only way this relationship could ever have the semblance of what it was prior to the breakup is if your ex wants you back wholeheartedly and is willing to take the dive a second time. It is reasonable that he is hurt and uneasy about you leaving him again and therefore very reluctant to take that dive. Then again, there was always a probability of being dumped even when you first got together so...

 

I support your decision to let this go.

[octour]

I think you're way off here. Just because he's a guy doesn't mean he is going to take you back. Again, you're throwing it in his direction. You broke up with him. And now you expect the guy to lay down and take you back because you say so? That's really really weak. I wouldn't take you back either. You need to come clean. You need to explain to him what your thought process was at the time. It hurts like hell being dumped and being that this is a good amount of time from when it happened, for him to just go back is going to be almost impossible. You need to explain to him how you were wrong, how you handled it wrong, why you want him back in your life, and why he means so much to you. Don't you see that you are getting your way on both ends of this if he does go back to you? Sorry, it just doesn't work that way. You need to clean up your mess first. And from the sound of it, you're a little too proud to do so. And as far as I can tell if I were him, I think I would be listening to the same person that dumped me a year ago. Why would I take you back? Where's the incentive? Where's the proof that this will never happen again? He has told you time and time again that this is his main concern. Address it and prove to him that you know you were wrong. You can't just say you were wrong, you need to understand why yourself.

If my ex that dumped me after 3.5 years came back to me with that attitude, I wouldn't go back either. As much as I love her, there is no way I would go if this were her attitude. No way. She would just do it again. Why would I put myself through that pain again?

I'm not trying to be a jerk, but you need to see if from his side, not just yours.

[Thorshammer]

My ex did the exact same thing as you did. For whatever f'ing twisted reason she thought it would ok to break up and then get back, but it was absolutely unacceptable for me.

 

She will never know how much the breakup hurt me. What kind of loss I experienced. A breakup to me is permanent, period. And there was no way I would *ever* let her hurt me the same way again.

 

As for you, I'll choose to refrain from making a harsh comment over what you did. Just leave him alone.

 

Same with me, even the girls who i didnt get emotional with, i let it all out once the cat was out of the bag and i knew she was chasing me back. It was MY turn to break up with them. I had control again and i told them how i felt, and how she was wrong.

 

But, i never had a "good" break up (everyones "good" i would imagine would be different)- but regardless, SHE will have to pull and prove.