Heart crushed. Trying to get out of depression.

[Yeul]

So, here it is. The story, I suppose.

 

I met this guy at work. We hit it off right from the start, talking out by my car after work one day. We were into the same nerdy things, knew each others obscure tech references and british show references. We were attracted to one another from a start.

 

Long story short, the day after his birthday he had a party, and I was invited. We ended up spending an hour and a half outside with no one else, talking and getting to know each other. He kissed me, and we were together from then on.

 

We saw each other everyday, spoke to each other everyday, for nine months. I have a four year old son, which he became involved with, and they did great together. They played and had fun, he helped with taking care of him. Things of that nature.

 

Four months into the relationship, I moved out of my parents house and into an apartment of my own, with me and my son. Something happened, that I'm not going to share, and the guy ended up moving in with us. We talked about him going back to his place, and neither of us wanted him to leave.

 

Then, one day, "out of the blue" (It wasn't really, I just didn't see the signs.), he tells me that he doesn't want a family, that he doesn't want to get married until he's 30, no kids until he is 35, and what if this, what if that, and just lost his * * * * . He packed up his things, and was about to leave. I was a complete mess... crying and begging, completely pathetic. He ended up staying, and I told him that it was going to take awhile and a lot of work for me to be okay again, and he said he understood and was willing to do that. He said that he felt a lot better after getting everything out and talking about it, and I had to explain that I was glad that he felt better, but I was the one left to deal with it now. All he said was "okay."

 

Then, a week and a half later on the last night of january (officially Feb 1st as it was after midnight), we got into an argument, and mid-argument he packs his things, says he can't do this anymore. I start to cry, but I said I would never beg him again. I told him he was making a mistake, he said he knew he was, but he felt like this is what had to happen.

 

Hindsight is 20/20, and I realize now how mean he was. He may have done some nice things, yes. Otherwise, I wouldn't have stayed. But, just like three weeks into the relationship, he told me he was going to have to get used to dating a girl "my size". I'm inbetween a size 2 and 4, and I'm 5'5". He was only 5'7", but seriously?

 

He would always joke around meanly, and I told him that was fine, but he had to even it out and say some nice things too, because all I was hearing was the bad. He always said he would try, and then always did LESS. We were fighting so much for the past couple of months, him saying that I'm asking too much of him. When I asked him what exactly was I asking him to do, he would always get irritated and realize that for the past few months, I had been begging him to be nice to me.

 

He told me when he tried to leave the first time, that "If we dropped your kid, and dropped your family, we'd be perfect." How, goodness gracious how, did I think that was okay? Not that I would ever drop my kid or my family, but how did I just let him say something like that?

 

I always told him that he made me feel like scum on the bottom on his shoe, like I was stupid, and he always said I needed to learn to take a joke. But I never heard anything nice from him. He could cut me down with his words, with one sentence. I always apologized for our arguments, even when I shouldn't have. I was always the first to apologize. He is a very arrogant, condescending human being, and everyone at work knows that he is, in their terms, a Robot, and an * * * * * * * .

 

There is so much more to this story, but I'll answer specifics if asked. And actually, since he left, my kid asked about him once, I explained that he hurt mommy's heart, so him and I couldn't be friends anymore, and that he wouldn't be around. My son hasn't asked since, and even said that he didn't want him around.

 

Either way, no matter how logically I think about this situation, my heart still hurts so bad. I'm battling severe depression, and suicidal thoughts. It doesn't help that I see him around at work. There are days that have gone by that I haven't seen him, but I do see him most days, in passing.

 

I can't stop crying and dwelling on it, even though my thoughts are so muddled, I can't even pinpoint what exactly I'm thinking about, just that i'm thinking about it.

 

I jump everytime my phone goes off, hoping he will text me or call me or something. I don't know why, but I want him back so bad, even though I know it would be awful, because I know myself well enough to know that I would be so scared of him leaving again, I'd make myself miserable.

 

I don't know how to get out of this. I want to move on. I don't want to feel this way anymore. This hurts so bad. No matter how busy I am, I still manage to think about it. I'm so depressed, and the scary part is that I don't even know why. I just... I just need an ear. A shoulder. something.

 

Edit: Also want everyone to know that financially, I'm fine. Even though he lived with us for five months, he did not help with bills or anything of that nature. I'm used to paying for everything. So really, if anything, I'm saving a little more money.

[Bluezilla]

Hang in there kiddo. I am on the same boat so welcome aboard. My heart is crushed too like most of us here. Although it is difficult it will get better with time. Remember you have a kid that loves you unconditionally. Try to focus on your son for the first week or two and the sting will subside somewhat. " If you dropped your kid and family.....?" Are you kidding? You are crying over someone that told you something like that?

[Sara1970]

Lots of ears and shoulders here for you, my dear.

I am battling severe depression too.

Not easy to do, I know, when you're also going through a breakup.

We have our kids though, thank goodness.

Focus on your Son.

Time will heal your heart.

x

[annie24]

Wow, so if you were anorexic, dropped your son and your family, things would be perfect! wow, what a gentleman!!! I'm glad you didn't waste too much of your life on this loser. you deserve a million times better than him.

[Yeul]

Well guys, I pulled the plug and made a dr.'s appointment to get back on antidepressants.

 

I know I deserve better. I am a firm believer in 'treat others the way you want to be treated', and I tried to drill that into his head. I told him once to try and look at how I act and the things I do, because I'm treating him the way he should be treated and the way that I want to be treated, and he agreed... still never made a difference though.

 

As much as I know this, my mind says one thing and my heart gets in the way and beats my brain up and my emotions end up ruling me. I've never had a really great grasp of them. I've never been the type that can tell myself to stop thinking about something, and actually stop. So, as much as - logically - I know i deserve to be treated better, my heart still aches and misses him and a part of me wants him back so freakin' bad.

 

Bluezilla - I know. I'm quite ashamed that I let him get away with saying something like that. I responded to that by saying "Then you need to remember that at the base, it is us. Me and you. And life happens and goes on, but we've got us, and we need to rely on us." And he agreed... so much for that. I can't even wrap my brain around what is going on.

[Bluezilla]

I know how you feel. I am battling my heart and emotions and mind and trying to maintain NC to someone who probably already forgot about me. One day I was on top of a mountain thumping my chest with happiness and pride knowing that I found a truly remarkable woman and next next day it's over. Like getting stabbed in the heart while wearing a blindfold.

 

Do you really feel that anti depressants can help? Maybe some counseling or something like that? Or maybe just someone to talk to?

 

Keep your chin up. You are a beautiful woman inside and out. I am sure a great mom too. You are way too good for that fool.

[Yeul]

I know that I am an emotional wreck because of this break up. That this is going to be really hard on me, and will continue to be until I heal. However, I was thinking about being put on them before the break up even happened, and I honestly believe that it would be beneficial to me in order to move forward in all aspects of my life.

 

My family has a history of depression, so it's not so uncommonly seen, unfortunately. I've talked and talked... and I will continue to talk. Through my support system in life (although they are pretty annoyed with me by now because of how much I do talk about everything), and the support system I hope to find on here. However... and I'm not sure why, but I feel only slightly better when I talk and let it all out. It's a fleeting moment of relief, then back down to the nitty gritty. Talking has never been a problem (obviously? ha ha ha), but for some reason, i'm still stuck here.

[Bluezilla]

Well I am sure that there are plenty of people here willing to listen, myself included. We can help each other out of this mess.

[thejigsup]

In my mid thirties I got so absolutely tired of feeling like you do over some guy who wasn't worth it that I made the decision to let my head rule my heart. I am so much happier and better adjusted because of it! I am no longer a hopeless romantic, okay I'm no longer a romantic at all, but I am much happier and my men have treated my much better since I took this mindset. I am now treated as someone valuable, not ignored. They all know I will leave in a heartbeat and that seems to help people decided to treat you well. I treat people very nicely and I demand the same in return. I am worth it and YOU are worth it. remember, your son will learn valuable lessons in both relationships and self esteem from you. Think about that.

[Yeul]

thejigsup- That really is the only thing keeping me together at this point. I keep thinking that my son will learn how to treat a woman, and what a woman is willing to take, from my relationship.

 

That is NOT what I want him to learn, that it is okay to talk to a woman that way, and treat her that way. Or, that any woman worth while will tolerate that childish behavior. Or that a man treats his 'family' that way...

[Sparkie84]

It does sound a little bit like he mentally abused you. I left an abusive man 3 years ago and felt very depressed when the relationship was over and it took me a long time to get over it. I'll never regret the day I walked out but it took time to realise that none of it was my fault. Perhaps i'm jumping to conclusions?

[Yeul]

I hate to pull the 'daddy' card, but I'm one of those 'save before I became a stripper' girls with daddy issues. My biological father was an extremely abusive, mentally and physically, person. I even have trouble calling him a man.

 

So, it is quite possible (read; 100% true) that I have unresolved issues. I wouldn't say my ex mentally abused me, but maybe..just maybe... he helped me mentally abuse myself.

 

Or maybe I'm just still at the point where I make excuses for him.

[Yeul]

Had an alright day yesterday. Then today... just can't stop crying. I don't know if it's because it's Valentine's day or what... but god this sucks.

 

As morbid as it sounds, I just want to hear from him. A text, a call, a walk, something. Get some closure. Just... anything.

 

I had my doctors appointment this morning and had a bit of a nervous breakdown. Got prescribed some meds to hopefully even me out some. I can't keep going on the way I'm going. It's 2 weeks today.. I feel like I should be a complete and total mess still.

[Bluezilla]

Hang in there. I am still in this phase hoping for a text, call etc... Especially today knowing that she is likely with someone else makes me sick. I have a hard time sleeping and in the morning I tend to feel like I am moving backwards. You are not alone.