JLKLEE Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 Communication, attraction, and relationships are a two way street. When one person is doing most of the initiation of contact there is an obvious problem. It should very much be a 50/50 proposition. Why do you fear not hearing from him? You and he dated for 2 years and are still in contact. He's not going to forget about you anytime soon, particularly if you are getting reports from common friends that he is thinking about you and having conflicts regardling you, and especially if you feel he is "warming up" towards you. Overcome your insecurity, be cool, and let him come to you. I feel this way because I'm not confident in myself. I need to work on that. I just think "why would he want me when he could have any other girl" Link to comment
digdug Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 I feel this way because I'm not confident in myself. I need to work on that. I just think "why would he want me when he could have any other girl" Then that's a YOU problem and you need to address those things. Pursing a boyfriend who may or may not want you has nothing to do with this. You can't find happiness with someone else if you are relying on them to supply that happiness for you. That is something you need to cultivate within yourself, so that someone else can benefit from you confidence. I say take this time for yourself, and start to work on that confidence. You are a pretty girl, and there is no reason you should feel this way. Start by working on yourself, then work on a relationship with someone else, or him. Until you feel you are worthy, you are going to have a hard time finding a relationship that is cultivating and complementary to you. You will only feel comfortable in relationships where you can be dependent on your partner, and that is not a good formula for a relationship. ~dig Link to comment
JLKLEE Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 I'm definitely working on that. It is just hard when you see someone struggling with their feelings and it is tough not to think "well if I was 100% awesome they wouldn't want to let me go". But I think he thinks he has me and that I'm not going anywhere Link to comment
Fun Boater 1 Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 I feel this way because I'm not confident in myself. I need to work on that. I just think "why would he want me when he could have any other girl" Digdug is precisely correct in his latest post. You've got to work on being more confident, secure, and build more self-esteem. Insecurity, jealousy, lack of confidence, and lack of self esteem are major "relationship killers" because when these qualities exist in abundance within someone, male or female, it often leads to terrible results and causes self-sabotage in relationships. When you are insecure, needy, and lack confidence in yourself, it causes you to behave in negative ways towards your partner and creates problems out of ordinary situations and circumstances that would be no big deal to someone who is self assured, independent, and secure in themselves. Digdug is also spot on about having to be happy with yourself before you can make someone else happy, or be happy with someone else. If you aren't content with yourself then you are just using a relationship as an emotional crutch to support your own insecurities and not truly "in love" with your partner - you are in love with the idea of having a partner because having a partner makes you feel worthy, wanted, and needed. You have to have a high degree of "self-worth". You have to "want yourself". You have to "need yourself". If you don't, then you are doomed to failure in relationships and you will always be ending up with men who you will willingly subordinate yourself to emotionally. Does that make any sense? I just think "why would he want me when he could have any other girl" This is horrible and very self-defeating thinking. Remember back when you and your ex first met and started dating? He could have had "any other girl" then I guess too. Couldn't he have? He didn't want "any other girl". He wanted you. He chose you. You and he dated for two years. The fact that the relationship ended, didnt' work out, or is currently on a hiatus for whatever reason has nothing to do with your value as a person or even as a dating partner. Relationships fail all the time for a variety of reasons, and those failures usually do not occur due to one of the partners just deciding "oh well, he/she's not a good person" so I'm done with her". Things happen. Often times relationships just don't work out. The important thing is to not let your whole existence be based on being with another person and to not let yourself be defined by being "with somone". Lee, how old are you? I'm curious. I looked at your profile and saw your photo. You appear to be a very attractive girl - great smile and very pretty eyes. I'll take it for granted and assume that you are probably a very sweet, intelligent, and engaging person. You probably have lots of great friends and have probably had to beat plenty of guys away with a stick because there's probably not a shortage of men expressing interest in you. Am I on the mark? I mention this because it's important to take a step back sometimes and evaluate all the "good" that is in your life against how crappy the ex is making you feel. It's easy to feel down about yourself when you base this kind of thinking solely on the behavior of ONE person and not on the overall quality of your life. Your happiness and well being is never entirely dependent on another person. Instead of thinking negatively "why would he want me when he can have other girls"; start thinking along the lines of "what's wrong with him?...doesn't he realize that most other men would want me and appreciate me?" Sounds cliche, but the old adage - "his loss" definitely applies here. Link to comment
JLKLEE Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 I'm 24. And you are right, I do have a lot of guys who throw themselves at me, but they are not what I want. I have gotten better about thinking highly of myself. There really isn't anything wrong with me but I act like I have these huge flaws. I just got a "big girl" job so I've been focusing a lot of my energy on that. I feel like after the break up, I came accross as this very needy little girl who was pushing and pushing. It seems like my ex's behavior changed once I come more self-reliant. I was not calling or texting as much and then suddenly, he makes the effort and starts the texts. I started dressing more professionally and fashionably and I found him acting more attracted to me and doing things like initiating kisses or intimate times together (Yes, I know, I shouldn't hook up with him. I'm just using it as an example as how, at the beginning when I was needy, he turned me down for sex and told me that it would give the impression we were getting back together). I just need to continue to work on myself and I feel that will be the key factor in getting him back. It seems to be working a little right now. Link to comment
Sara1970 Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 I'm definitely working on that. It is just hard when you see someone struggling with their feelings and it is tough not to think "well if I was 100% awesome they wouldn't want to let me go". But I think he thinks he has me and that I'm not going anywhere You are 100% awesome... we all are in our own ways. Hard to hear and believe when your confidence is low, but true all the same. Were you a confident person before this breakup? Link to comment
JLKLEE Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 You are 100% awesome... we all are in our own ways. Hard to hear and believe when your confidence is low, but true all the same. Were you a confident person before this breakup? No. I was always a confident person before I dated my ex ex. He put me down in every aspect so I lost A LOT of my confidence. Link to comment
learning2relax Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 No. I was always a confident person before I dated my ex ex. He put me down in every aspect so I lost A LOT of my confidence. Oh dear.....I have been there and it stinks when they do this. It is actually their insecurities that they are playing off of when they criticize you like this. Please work to get past this and get your confidence and groove back. Getting back to you will feel so awesome when you do. No one should do this to someone else. I think it is the worst kind of abuse. It leaves unseen scars and really can shake someone to the core. You are awesome. You are the independent confident beautiful woman that you always have been. It is he who is insecure. Head up girl! Link to comment
Sara1970 Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 No. I was always a confident person before I dated my ex ex. He put me down in every aspect so I lost A LOT of my confidence. Crazy ex ex. You'll get it back, m'dear. You'll be strong again. Have faith in you. x Link to comment
digdug Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 No. I was always a confident person before I dated my ex ex. He put me down in every aspect so I lost A LOT of my confidence. The I think you have your answer. I think you need to get that swagger back, then YOU decide if he's good enough for you. Establish boundaries for what you are willing to accept in a relationship, then stick to them. I'm not sure why you'd want to be with someone who wrecked your confidence. Doesn't make sense to me. ~dig Link to comment
JLKLEE Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 The I think you have your answer. I think you need to get that swagger back, then YOU decide if he's good enough for you. Establish boundaries for what you are willing to accept in a relationship, then stick to them. I'm not sure why you'd want to be with someone who wrecked your confidence. Doesn't make sense to me. ~dig The guy who wrecked my confidence is not the guy I'm trying to work things out with. It was the guy I dated before him. Link to comment
digdug Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 The guy who wrecked my confidence is not the guy I'm trying to work things out with. It was the guy I dated before him. oh, gotcha. Link to comment
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