JLKLEE Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 If your ex-boyfriend has talked to your friends about wanting to work on the problems that had occurred in the relationship (he completely changed the subject to me) and continued to talk to her for 20 minutes straight, rambling on. He got drunk and told me we were going to work on things but that we weren't together, just work on things for the time being. But then when I asked him about it when he was sober, he seemed unsure and said he "wasn't ready". He totally acts like he loves me but won't say it. He seems scared, unsure of his feelings and just really on the fence about things. What is the best thing to do to get him to want to give us another chance? Link to comment
digdug Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 If your ex-boyfriend has talked to your friends about wanting to work on the problems that had occurred in the relationship (he completely changed the subject to me) and continued to talk to her for 20 minutes straight, rambling on. He got drunk and told me we were going to work on things but that we weren't together, just work on things for the time being. But then when I asked him about it when he was sober, he seemed unsure and said he "wasn't ready". He totally acts like he loves me but won't say it. He seems scared, unsure of his feelings and just really on the fence about things. What is the best thing to do to get him to want to give us another chance? Space, space, space .... being drunk allows us to set aside our inhibitions, but it's not truth serum. Let him think about things, as he's clearly said he's not ready. The more pressure you apply, the further you will push him. Giving someone space hurts, and is hard to do. However, if you truly love him, it's the one thing you can give him out of respect and love. You don't want to make his mind up for him by being needy and pushy, let him go through this process. Do not let what your friends say, or what he might say to your friends about the issue, play with your mind. This is between you and him, and a talk concerning that will happen when he is ready. He is going to have moments where he is thinking out loud, but still might not be definitive in his actions. Let him have this time. Keep ur chin up and good luck ~dig Link to comment
digdug Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Just saw your post in the "Getting back together support thread" .... but, my advice remains the same. You can hit me up any time if you'd like. Good luck to you ~dig Link to comment
JLKLEE Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 Just saw your post in the "Getting back together support thread" .... but, my advice remains the same. You can hit me up any time if you'd like. Good luck to you ~dig What about contact?? Should I not contact him and let him contact me? Link to comment
digdug Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 No, I wouldn't. Why contact him when it's clearly making you miserable? I personally wouldn't put-in to anything unless I was sure it was beneficial to me. Take into account what is best for you, because at the end of the day that is all that matters. If he ends up not wanting this, you'll be that much further behind in your healing process. I'm not saying play games ... don't ice him to be "spiteful", but give him the space to reach out to you when he is ready. It may not seem fair, but it's what we do as partners. Period. You need to look our for yourself, plain and simple ~dig Link to comment
JLKLEE Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 No, I wouldn't. Why contact him when it's clearly making you miserable? I personally wouldn't put-in to anything unless I was sure it was beneficial to me. Take into account what is best for you, because at the end of the day that is all that matters. If he ends up not wanting this, you'll be that much further behind in your healing process. I'm not saying play games ... don't ice him to be "spiteful", but give him the space to reach out to you when he is ready. It may not seem fair, but it's what we do as partners. Period. You need to look our for yourself, plain and simple ~dig I'm trying to do what is best to get him to want me. It's hard to think that not contacting him is the best option to make him want me. Link to comment
Sara1970 Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 I totally agree with the advice that Dig has given you, hon. I'm in the same situation as you. Your ex is unsure of his feelings... you need to give him the space to think it all through. In a way, you would only distract him from that process by contacting him. It's not an easy thing to do by any means, but then nothing worth doing is ever easy. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 You cannot make him want you --- you didn't when you were first together --- he wanted you because you were you. So just BE. Let him come to you. Link to comment
Fun Boater 1 Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 If your ex-boyfriend has talked to your friends about wanting to work on the problems that had occurred in the relationship (he completely changed the subject to me) and continued to talk to her for 20 minutes straight, rambling on. He got drunk and told me we were going to work on things but that we weren't together, just work on things for the time being. But then when I asked him about it when he was sober, he seemed unsure and said he "wasn't ready". He totally acts like he loves me but won't say it. He seems scared, unsure of his feelings and just really on the fence about things. What is the best thing to do to get him to want to give us another chance? I'm not sure what you can do. I recall a couple of your other threads about your situation. You are in regular contact with him. You go out with him and do "dating" kinds of activities together (dinners, movies, sporting events...etc..). You occasionally have sex with him. From your description it appears you are casually dating and casually sleeping together. Obviously, you want more - you want a committed relationship from him. So far, since your break up; he's been unwilling to make that commitment with you. Every time you approach the subject, he balks and make excuses to you...yet you continue to "psuedo-date" him...ie...go out with him and sleep with him casually. Why do you continue to let him see you and sleep with you without a commitment from him? That's the question you should be asking yourself. He says he wants to "work on the relationship"? What kind of "work" is he putting into it? Currently, you have no relationship because there is no commitment. So what if he was drunk and bleeding all over one of your friends about the situation? It doesn't mean anything. All that means anything is his words and actions towards you directly and face to face. Stop accepting his ambivalence and string of excuses and take a stand. If you wish to resume the relationship, then just tell him you love him and tell him what you want. Tell him firmly, yet politely, that you will no longer accept this casual "arrangement" you and he appear to have. If he continues to balk and make excuses, then it's very simple. You walk away. If you don't take a stand and continue to always be available to him at his convenience, then dont' expect him to want to try the relationship anytime soon. Link to comment
learning2relax Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 You don't want to convince someone to be with you. He has to take the initiative. Based on what he said, albeit under the influence, gives you insight that this weighing on his mind. But your pushing this to "make it happen" has the risk of backfiring on you. Because it is coming from you and not from him. The risk is that you are trying to solve for what he is struggling with. He has to solve for this. Your pushing him could put him on the defense and focus on his position and wanting to solve for this himself - and take him away from the desire to solve. Remember - Practice doing nothing and everything will fall into place. (one way or another - everything happens for a reason) Link to comment
digdug Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 I totally agree with the advice that Dig has given you, hon. I'm in the same situation as you. Your ex is unsure of his feelings... you need to give him the space to think it all through. In a way, you would only distract him from that process by contacting him. It's not an easy thing to do by any means, but then nothing worth doing is ever easy. Listen to sara .... sh'es good medicine ................. Link to comment
digdug Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 You cannot make him want you --- you didn't when you were first together --- he wanted you because you were you. So just BE. Let him come to you. ditto this ........ Link to comment
JLKLEE Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 I'm really bad at over-analyzing things. I felt like, in the last 2 weeks, he was making the effort. He would text me without me initiating the conversations. He was saying "loving" things like "sweet dreams", "get home safe", etc...something he was NOT doing at the beginning of the break up. I try not to hold on to the fact that he had the conversation with my friend, other than the fact that that is TOTALLY out of character for him. He is not one to discuss his feelings with others, especially not discussing his romantic feelings with others. Things just seem to have changed for the better, especially after how cold he was at the beginning of the break-up. I just want to do (and will take everyone's advice) what allows the best possible chance for him to figure out his feelings and hopefully come after me. Link to comment
learning2relax Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 You cannot make any mistakes by doing nothing. If you are trying to do you are pushing. Link to comment
Fun Boater 1 Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Things just seem to have changed for the better, especially after how cold he was at the beginning of the break-up. I just want to do (and will take everyone's advice) what allows the best possible chance for him to figure out his feelings and hopefully come after me. Then if you feel things are changing positively and you sense him warming up to you lately, then continue to let him come towards you. The other posters are right about "doing nothing and you can make no mistakes". Lay cool and let him iniate contact with you. Don't be so available to him all the time. If you chase him now, or try and do things to make him "want you", you risk driving him away again. You must learn to understand that there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO MAKE SOMEONE WANT TO BE WITH YOU. However, I still think you will need to put it on the line with him at some point. I think you are very afraid to have that "ultimatum" type of conversation with him because you fear losing him. What is your opinion on this suggestion? Also, I fear you are putting way to much emphasis on him saying things like "sweet dreams" and "hope you get home safe" to you in text messages. If you are clinging to cliche statements that everyone uses via text messages as signs that he's "warming up" to you, you are really grasping at straws. Those terms really don't mean anything other than ordinary affection someone would show to any friend, platonic or otherwise. Link to comment
learning2relax Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 I wouldn't suggest giving an ultimatum. That is also pushing. Moving on with your life and concentrating on yourself is the best you can do. If he asks you about being in a relationship without commitment (e.g. FWB, friend, etc...) then you can provide your answer. But stating it is this or else (ultimatum) never works well in my experience. You are still trying to force them to make a decision you are just more aggressive about it. Let him come to you and get busy doing your own thing in the mean time. Link to comment
JLKLEE Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 At some point, I have no problem giving the ultimatum. I don't think right now is the best time because things are progressively getting better and he seems to be making more of an effort. I may be wrong, but he is not one to give "bread crumbs", especially not intentionally. Right after the break up, I was (stupidly) still trying to hook up with him and he would not, because he said it gave the wrong impression that he was trying to get back with me. He would never call or text, sometimes wouldn't even respond to a text I sent. Then it was like BAM, a few weeks ago he would respond to everything I sent and if it took him a long time to respond, he would apologize or give an explanation. I stayed with him a few weekends ago and before we went to sleep, he leaned over and kissed me goodnight. That completely caught me off guard, since he was the one who said he didn't want to have sex with me because it would give me the wrong impression. This past Wednesday I went to the Duke vs Carolina game. I am a HUGE Carolina fan and losing to Duke is NOT an option. Well at 8:30 in the morning, he sent me a text that said "Big game tonight. Have fun". To anyone else this may not be a big deal but to me it was, because he NEVER initiated a conversation after the break-up. And then, after our unfortunate last second loss, he sent me a text saying "I'm sorry, I know you are upset". But yea, the "sweet dreams" text is something normal people do, but it was not something he was saying to me after the break-up. I stayed with him again this past weekend and I was feeling REALLY bad, to the point where I almost wanted to go to the hospital. He would wake up numerous times throughout the night and just lean over and kiss me on my head and if I was awake, he would ask how I felt. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being weird, but all those things are certainly more than I got right after the break-up. He honestly seems like he is scared to try again and is having difficulty sorting out his feelings. When he was talking to my friend he said "You can certainly tell who is on my mind these days, can't you" Link to comment
Fun Boater 1 Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 I wouldn't suggest giving an ultimatum. That is also pushing. Moving on with your life and concentrating on yourself is the best you can do. If he asks you about being in a relationship without commitment (e.g. FWB, friend, etc...) then you can provide your answer. But stating it is this or else (ultimatum) never works well in my experience. You are still trying to force them to make a decision you are just more aggressive about it. Let him come to you and get busy doing your own thing in the mean time. I agree. What I meant by the "ultimatum" type of conversation is to protect her from further pain. I didn't mean to suggest using it as a kind of "tactic" to snare him. lol I meant that if he continues his ambivalent behavior, she's going to have to have that kind of conversation with him at some point in time if he keeps making excuses for not making a commitment or not wanting to "work" on the relationship. She is in regular contact with him, hanging out with him, going on "dates" with him, and sleeping with him occasionally. This arrangement cannot go on indefinately because the OP isn't satisfied with that and wants a return to a committed relationship. If she accepts the role of a "part time" girlfriend, then he will most likely grow comfortable with that and the whole "FWB" will result...only to be followed eventually by the inevitable day when he tells her that he's dating someone else and can't do the "FWB" thing anymore...and he'll have no problem with telling her that he's seeing someone else because he's totally off the hook due to the fact that "they never had a commitment". That's what I mean by taking a stand with him emotionally. Link to comment
learning2relax Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Agreed! Thanks for the clarification! Link to comment
universeblance Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 You can't make anyone want you. They either do or they don't. When he wants you, he will contact you. Don't force the situation. Link to comment
JLKLEE Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 I'm just so frustrated. I feel like if I don't contact him, I will never hear from him. Is that unrealistic based on his behavior or just something people always fear? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 If your ex-boyfriend has talked to your friends about wanting to work on the problems that had occurred in the relationship (he completely changed the subject to me) and continued to talk to her for 20 minutes straight, rambling on. He got drunk and told me we were going to work on things but that we weren't together, just work on things for the time being. But then when I asked him about it when he was sober, he seemed unsure and said he "wasn't ready". He totally acts like he loves me but won't say it. He seems scared, unsure of his feelings and just really on the fence about things. What is the best thing to do to get him to want to give us another chance? Simple. Tell him not to contact you until he is ready to be exclusive again and don't stay in contact with people who know him or at least change the subject and make it clear you want no information about him. If he wants you back he will want you to know that loud and clear- why in the world would he risk you being snapped up by another guy just because he said something that was unclear? "I want us to get back together" is a simple, direct sentence - if he wants that, he can say it. Don't act angry or defensive - simply tell him nicely that being in contact is not healthy for you and you need to move on. But if he contacts you and has changed his mind and you are still interested and available you'll discuss that with him. Say that over the phone, not typed. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 I'm just so frustrated. I feel like if I don't contact him, I will never hear from him. Is that unrealistic based on his behavior or just something people always fear? If that is true then you have your answer - he doesn't want to be together. Link to comment
learning2relax Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 I'm just so frustrated. I feel like if I don't contact him, I will never hear from him. Is that unrealistic based on his behavior or just something people always fear? If you contact him, you aren't hearing from him. He is hearing from you. This is fear based. You have to face it and moved forward. Link to comment
Fun Boater 1 Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 I'm just so frustrated. I feel like if I don't contact him, I will never hear from him. Is that unrealistic based on his behavior or just something people always fear? Communication, attraction, and relationships are a two way street. When one person is doing most of the initiation of contact there is an obvious problem. It should very much be a 50/50 proposition. Why do you fear not hearing from him? You and he dated for 2 years and are still in contact. He's not going to forget about you anytime soon, particularly if you are getting reports from common friends that he is thinking about you and having conflicts regardling you, and especially if you feel he is "warming up" towards you. Overcome your insecurity, be cool, and let him come to you. Link to comment
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