Daisy88 Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Okay, like the title to this post says, my ex has a tendency to want to talk to me almost every single day (sometimes even several times a day with him initiating the majority of the contact) but then the second he gets a new girlfriend, he immediately stops any and all contact with me. I'm getting really sick of this. We have been broken up for about a year and a half now (after being in a relationship with each other for 3 years). Since we split up, he has basically jerked me around like crazy. Like want to talk to me every day and tells me that he still loves me and wants to get back together but then as soon as I agree to give things another try, he suddenly changes his mind and doesn't want to get back together anymore. He'll never outright SAY he doesn't want us to reconcile but his ACTIONS say it. During this time since we split about about a year and a half ago, he has a few different times asked me to be his GF again (usually in what I'm assuming is a moment of panic that he might lose me for good after I"ve gone NC for a week or longer), but then like I said before as soon as I agree he's suddenly not "ready" yet. Since we split up, he has had four girlfriends and each one broke up with him within two months. His longest relationship since we split was 2.5 months. I always know when he's started a new relationship because he goes from wanting to talk to me every day to all of a sudden not talking to me at ALL anymore with zero explanation given. He never TELLS me look I've got a new GF and so I don't think we should talk anymore (which is what I think would be the mature way to handle it). He just all of a sudden completely stops talking to me. Also, the last time we saw each other in person was at the end of August 2011 and shortly after that he started dating someone & stopped talking to me. He's been supposedly single since the middle of November when that girl dumped him & he & I have been pretty much talking since then for the last few months. Current situation: He went from talking to me at least a few times a day to barely any contact at all within the past week, and now it's been five days since I last had any contact with him. He hasn't tried contacting me at all in the last five days & I haven't made any attempts to contact him either. I loved this man so much that I wanted to marry him and this break up has really devastated me. This whole thing has done a real number on my self esteem & the fact that I pretty much know he's now with girlfriend #5 since we broke up really isn't helping. How can I NOT feel like crap that when he could have been with me the past year and a half, he basically said (with his actions) thanks but no thanks, I think girl #1, girl #2, girl #3, girl #4 & girl #5 are all somehow better than you & I'd rather be with them instead?? Just looking for some advice please on how to get past feeling like a total loser since he'd rather be with all these other girls instead of me. It just really makes me feel bad. Of course it doesn't help that Valentine's Day is coming right up & I know that just like last year, he's going to be spending Valentine's Day with yet another one of his new girlfriends & it just makes me really sad because I have some really happy memories of the Valentine's Days that we spent together. Link to comment
Daisy88 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 Also, I've been going through a really rough time financially the past few months & I know it was probably a bad idea but I asked my ex if he could please loan me some money. Long story short, he's loaned me a total of $1,000 over the past 3 months-interest free. He also has told me that basically no rush to pay him back, just when I get a little extra money ahead, send him some, etc. This of course was really generous of him to help me out like that! While I'm really grateful to him for helping me, it just makes me feel even more confused about my feelings for him. After the way he's jerked me around the past year and a half & basically just totally messed with my head and my heart saying he wants to be with me but then instead choosing to start yet another relationship with someone else, I feel like I should think he's a total jerk! But...then he goes and helps me out in a major way by lending me that money and how can I help but feel loving towards him so I once again agreed to give things with us another try after he asked me to be his girlfriend again recently & let my guard down & let myself start to feel loving, happy thoughts about him again, and then he AGAIN goes and chooses to be with someone else instead of me?! He obviously cares about me or else he wouldn't have lent me all that money but in a weird way that almost makes me feel like crap. Why you ask? Reason being is that it's like okay he cares about me enough to loan me $1,000 but he doesn't like me enough to want to be in an actual relationship with me?? Am I really that f***ing unattractive?? I know I could stand to lose some weight but I'm pretty sure I'm not a total ugly troll & I'm smart, a nice person, etc. Please say something to help me stop feeling like crap about myself. It's just so hard to not have this wreck my self esteem when I'm starting to feel more and more he wants to be with anybody BUT me! Link to comment
whes Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 You are letting him do this to you. He is an a-hole and is taking advantage of the fact that you still care about him by using you as emotional filler between girlfriends. He does not sound at all like he wants any kind of real relationship with you. You need to get as far away from him as you can. Do not allow yourself to trust him, because time and time again, he has shown you his true colours. Link to comment
Daisy88 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 P.S.) Just in case you're wondering, no he didn't break up with me because he got sick of lending me money as I only asked him to please loan me money ONCE the entire 3 years we were together and it was for $50.00 which I paid him back promptly for. Link to comment
BlueEagle Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 It sounds like he is using you as a "backup plan," an insurance policy in case the other girls do not work out. Once he finds someone new he abandons you ... until it ends. Him loaning you money was a nice gesture, sure, but it keeps you hanging around which is ideal for him to manipulate you. Are you sure you'd want to marry this person based on all this hot-and-cold, hurtful behavior? Link to comment
Daisy88 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 Thanks for your input whes & BlueEagle. I really appreciate it. To answer your question BlueEagle, I still have a lot of feelings for him but after everything he's done to hurt me, I'm finally at the point where I'm really starting to question whether or not I'd still want to marry him if ever given the chance. At one point, it was an absolute yes but after everything that's happened, now I'm really not so sure because I know that I didn't deserve to be treated like this. At the same time though, I also blame myself because I can see now that in some ways I allowed him to treat me this way. Outside of the fact that maybe he doesn't love me anymore, why wouldn't he feel like it was safe to keep trying one new relationship after another? I finally see now that by still talking to him whenever he's in between relationship's, I'm sure he did come to see me as his "safety net". I've really given him no real reason to ever fear that he might TRULY lose me so why wouldn't he try dating other girls if he thinks 'ol faithful will always be right there waiting for him? Also, on one too many occasions I pretty much let him know that I was basically miserable without him which I regret ENORMOUSLY now!! For those of you who are currently feeling heartbroken that your ex broke up with you, PLEASE learn from me & DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES LET YOUR EX KNOW THAT YOU ARE MISERABLE WITHOUT THEM!! That's the absolute worst thing you can do because then they have ZERO motivation to make a serious effort to reconcile with you anytime soon because they aren't at all worried about losing you anytime soon!! Also, just wanted to mention that just last weekend (1 week ago) I got a call from my ex while I was out grocery shopping. He first of all was like why didn't you answer your phone? He seemed all ticked off and irritated because he had apparently tried calling me a few times. I told him sorry I didn't even notice until just now that you've been trying to get a hold of me what's up? Then he basically proceeded to ask me, you're not going on a date tonight right? You better not be after I just was nice enough to lend you all that money. I just couldn't believe it. Here he was acting all jealous and totally stressed out worrying that I might be going on a date and then trying to manipulate me not to by mentioning the money thing. Yet within just a day or two of that, I gradually started hearing from him less and less and now zero contact from him for the past 5 days. He insisted that he wasn't going on a date that night either yet I think he did either go on a date that weekend and/or went to the bar since he cut WAY back on the contact right after that until it dwindled down to nothing at all the past 5 days. It's just weird how a week ago he went from acting super concerned and stressed out that I might be going on a date with another guy yet he's now suddenly in a relationship with someone else again? Anyways.... Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 I think it's high time for you to make the decision to move on and cut him off after you pay back the loan. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 They also lose respect for you. Cut contact. He's not coming back. You can easily send payments through the mail without contact. Time to cut the safety net and ego stroking, you're only going to deplete your self-esteem further. People that care about you, do not treat you this way. Link to comment
Daisy88 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 I think you're right Ms Darcy. This back and forth jerking me around crap has been going on for far, far too long now. These new girls that he dates are all younger than me (I'm mid 30s & so is he), and they so far have all been in their early to mid 20's. Oh, & did I mention that they're all thinner than me?? So, that makes me feel like crap. On a positive note, on a pretty regular basis I have people mistake me for my daughter's older sister (like when I took her to her doctor's appointment the other day). So, apparently I do look young for my age. However, since he's choosing to be with all these other women when he could have been with me the past year and half, I guess he must not think I look that great. I know that i could stand to lose some weight and I really am working on that & hope to finally get back to my goal weight sometime this year. I can understand how he (or most guys for that matter) would probably prefer a thinner woman. However, it just makes me think he's a jerk that instead of being supportive and doing whatever he could to help me lose the weight (offer to workout with me, etc), he just dumped me instead. Now, he's never admitted that my weight was one reason he dumped me after 3 years of us dating but obviously that did have something to do with it since these other girls he'd dated are all thinner then me. Link to comment
Daisy88 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 Thank you for your input Holly. I'm sure he probably has lost respect for me & if you don't respect someone, how can you feel attracted to them? You can't. I think you're probably right that I should just cut contact and send him payments in the mail. However, if I cut contact with him without first giving him any reason why, won't that also stroke his ego because he'll think "Look, she still so hung up on me that she can't even handle having even occasional contact with me"? I guess I'm saying that I'm concerned that's what he's going to think. That I'm too "weak" to talk to him and that even just a simple conversation is going to make me "lose it". NOT saying that's the case but I don't want HIM to think that. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Why are you putting this on you - weight issue. People simply fall out of love and move on. I'm sure it has noting to do with weight, or he is a really shallow jerk. I think it's sad that a man in his mid-thirties is dating girls in their early 20's. This is all about the ego and his immatirity. You need to remove yourself from this immediately, as you are not doing yourself any favors. What do you get by putting yourself in this situation. You're doing yourself a lot of harm and need to recognize your value. Find someone who values you, don't allow yourself to be used. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Thank you for your input Holly. I'm sure he probably has lost respect for me & if you don't respect someone, how can you feel attracted to them? You can't. I think you're probably right that I should just cut contact and send him payments in the mail. However, if I cut contact with him without first giving him any reason why, won't that also stroke his ego because he'll think "Look, she still so hung up on me that she can't even handle having even occasional contact with me"? I guess I'm saying that I'm concerned that's what he's going to think. That I'm too "weak" to talk to him and that even just a simple conversation is going to make me "lose it". NOT saying that's the case but I don't want HIM to think that. It doesn't matter what he thinks. I would tell him that you are going NC, and will send him his payments. You have to start to do what's right for YOU!!!!!! You're giving this man too much power! Link to comment
Daisy88 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 Thanks for your input Holly. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 I am going to be honest with you. Let's assume that weight was an issue (not the only one, but definitely one). If you look different from the way you did (and I don't care about the reasons) and he lost attraction to you, would you really want him to be honest? People aren't always going to handhold you the way you want them to. It's just not reality. If he's not attracted to you any longer, it doesn't make sense for him to stay and potentially get nasty with you - criticizing your food intake and activities. In my opinion it's better for him to leave than to pick you apart emotionally for the way you look. But I will guarantee that the weight was not the only issue. I remember your story and you guys had problems. Just make sure you aren't putting responsibility on your partner to support your health when that is YOUR responsibility. Rather, you want a guy who likes you as you look now so as you get healthier, you won't have to worry about him leaving. Instead of focusing on him, you should focus on you. He is a single guy ... he's out and dating. You are a single gal. You need to get yourself in a mental space to start dating too. Don't waste the pretty! Link to comment
Daisy88 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 Ms. Darcy, Thanks for your input. Yes, I actually would have wanted him to be honest as long as he wasn't outright mean about it. If he wasn't attracted to me anymore for whatever reasons (external or internal), then yes I can understand that he'd want to leave. However, I just wish that he had at least made an effort to try and talk to me about what was making him unhappy in the relationship and then given me an opportunity to try and fix things instead of just coldly dumping me. You're right that my health is MY responsibility. I believe though that if you really care about someone, you should try & do whatever you can to help them instead of just dumping them. You are right that I do need to get myself in a mental space to start dating too. Unfortunately, that's probably not going to happen until I lose more weight because until that happens, I just don't feel like I have the confidence to be out there dating right now. I've gone on a few dates since ex & I split up with a few different guys but haven't bothered going on any dates recently because like I said before I just don't feel confident enough to be out there dating until I lose more weight. I never want to have to wonder, did this guy not want to see me again because he thinks I'm too fat? I understand that there can be a MULTITUDE of reasons why a guy might decide he doesn't want to see me again or why I might decide that I don't want to see HIM again!! However, I would just feel a lot more confident about dating if I was at my goal weight and able to feel fairly certain that the guy didn't reject me due to thinking that he just wasn't attracted to my body. Link to comment
Daisy88 Posted February 18, 2012 Author Share Posted February 18, 2012 Crying right now. I don't know why really. I'd been feeling pretty good and emotionally strong the past several days, but right now I feel so sad. I for some reason am really missing my ex right now, and it just makes me sad to think he's probably having a fantastic time with his new girlfriend tonight. P.S.) It's been 10 days now since the last time he tried to contact me. I'm almost certain that it's because he's got a new GF since he always does this (suddenly drops me when he gets a new gf) so I haven't tried to contact him at all either. Link to comment
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