Can't get to a second date for the life of me

[wsim]

There is something wrong going on here... I had a date with a girl that I met on an online dating site last night and kept it relatively light, good conversation flowed and she seemed happy to talk about a wide variety of topics (i.e. - school, family, traveling, sports, tv/movies and general interests). However, at the end when I suggested another date next weekend, she bluntly said that she has a few more dates planned with other guys and will get back to me. We did hug at the end and parted ways. I did mentioned that I had a good time and all of that stuff. My interpretation of this is a kind and polite way of her saying thanks, but not interested.

 

I'm obviously not doing something right here, as every first date that I've been on never progressed to another date with the exception of one girl who threw herself onto me (For the record, I wasn't really into her and after a month of dating, we mutually agreed to break it off). I have always presented a true picture of myself, personality and not trying to pretend to be another person. Being myself isn't good enough? I'm starting to second guess and realize that I am missing certain qualities to attract a girl. Perhaps I am not interesting or outgoing enough.

 

Unfortunately, none of my friends have sat in or monitored any of these "dates", so of course they can't see first-hand what the problem is.

 

It is frustrating that I can't pinpoint why this is continuing to go on and I hate the fact that I can only keep on losing at dating. At this point, I just feel like throwing in the towel and giving up on this. I don't have "it".

[somethngwrng]

It may not be anything you're doing, a lot of people have very high expectations of online dating and it can be easy to just move on from person to person. I think there's a lot of impossible to please people who will just continue to use these sites and never find what they're looking for.. I've seen the SAME people on a dating website I've used who have been on there since the previous time I used it 4 years earlier.

 

I went on dates with 10+ people and only 2 of them led to 2nd dates. The 2nd one I have been with for nearly 3 months.

 

Just play the numbers game and hope to match with someone that has reasonable expectations

[The_Seeker]

Interesting how you guys or other people are multi-dating.

 

LOL Maybe I'm old-fashioned.

 

I date one guy until I get to know him better and see where it goes [if it ends up being a relationship that is]. If it doesn't work out I go to the next guy.

 

I did online dating for at least 4 months. First guy didn't work out [there was two dates.] Second guy didn't work out. [There was one date.] Two canceled on me. LOL Last one worked out.

 

Is that wrong how I dated when I was single?

 

Anyway I'm in my 3rd relationship with the guy I dated online.

[je55ie]

I did the online dating thing on and off for SEVERAL YEARS. Only a couple of times did I go past the 2nd date...in like, 5 years or something. I hated it, but I kept coming back because I didn't know how else to meet people. Then I met a guy from an online site and we kept having more and more dates. And now we're still together.

 

It doesn't matter what's "wrong" or "right" with you. Dating is about relating with people. And when you meet someone with whom this feeling is mutual, all the crap it took to get there will be worth it.

[hockeynut]

It may not be anything you're doing, a lot of people have very high expectations of online dating and it can be easy to just move on from person to person. I think there's a lot of impossible to please people who will just continue to use these sites and never find what they're looking for.. I've seen the SAME people on a dating website I've used who have been on there since the previous time I used it 4 years earlier.

 

I went on dates with 10+ people and only 2 of them led to 2nd dates. The 2nd one I have been with for nearly 3 months.

 

Just play the numbers game and hope to match with someone that has reasonable expectations

 

This is very, very accurate.

 

I usually do get to a second date, albeit with the girls I'm not interested in. The ones I am interested in don't give me a second chance. Am I doing anything diffrerent? Absolutely not. This is an unfortunate by-product of online dating. I'm not going to tell you not to feel like crap about it because that's B.S. It sucks but we have to accept this aspect of on-line dating and keep at it.

[Nherz]

Online dating really is more of a hassle than necessary. I signed up for a site about 4 years ago, and within 2 months I had 3 dates and met a girl who I ended up dating for 2 years. Once we split, I re-joined the site, and in the past year and a half have only been on about 6 or 7 dates, all of which never lead to second dates. Thinking about it, I sent out hundreds of emails and only got dates about 2% of the time. Those are HORRIBLE odds if I've ever seen them. However, I do much better in person, even though I'm a bit shy. Since I've re-joined that dating site I've gone out with 2 girls who I met in person, which all lead to longer-lasting interactions, around several months each.

 

Where I think online dating fails is that it's so impersonal. These people are just photos and a profile, and you can really use this to create an idealized version of yourself (Photoshop your pictures, lie in your profile, etc.). But attraction needs more than just these things. A lot of a person's personality can be conveyed non-verbally, and in person I find I can easily get a feel for how someone is in under a minute by observing how they move or talk. I think this personal interaction is really needed in order to build attraction. I've been guilty of not viewing girls from dating sites as real people, and that impersonal nature makes it easier for someone to just flake after a first date, stand you up, etc. (I've been stood up on 3 dates from dating sites, and it's just baffling how someone could be so careless and selfish).

 

And keep in mind there are thousands of other people on these sites for someone to jump to - It's like a virtual buffet, something which most men and women couldn't come accross in a real-life setting.

[Lonewing]

Dig out "Curse of the Single's Table. It took her 4.5 years of looking to finally find her match and get married. We're all picky these days - You'll be fine.

[scklbad]

hey man I can;t get a second date either and it ticks me off. I am 22 and have never kissed a girl. Online dating was my last hope...but so far i've been on dates, and no 2nd dates. it is rough man.

[scklbad]

more of a hassle than neccesary? maybe you should be grateful you got a 2 yr relationship out of it..and not be so greedy?

[wsim]

Dig out "Curse of the Single's Table. It took her 4.5 years of looking to finally find her match and get married. We're all picky these days - You'll be fine.

 

Thanks... though I've been looking for at least 10 years. I'm just sick of losing out every time.

[Lonewing]

...You're 27. Start panicking when you're 47.

[The_Seeker]

...You're 27. Start panicking when you're 47.

 

Panicking at 47?

 

LOL Why that age? What do you have against 47, Mr.Lonewing, hhmmm?

[Lonewing]

Panicking at 47?

 

LOL Why that age? What do you have against 47, Mr.Lonewing, hhmmm?

 

Nothing against it.

 

Add 20 and you have retirement. Add 20 more and you have a funeral. And there's no guarantee there won't be a heart attack in that second 20, those are the ones that hit that you never saw coming.

 

It only means that if you do find someone at that age, you'll be retiring when the kids graduate high school. Or you'll likely not be having children, depending on how things go. Or you may very well like the girl, only to realize she's 27..and you're 47.

 

Another thing; at 47 you're looking at a field that by and large already has kids and a failed marraige if not two under their belts. As they say, the older you get, the less likely you are to find a GOOD one; and all the Goods ones are either married or gay, haha.

 

If you are that older guy, I see no reason to give up on the traditional thing and move on to the short term/maximum satisfaction thing. For one thing, if you live the next 20 right, you'll have the means to relaly wine and dine a girl like she thanks she deserves. I know, I know, it's not about the money - but it IS, it's How you use it!!

[shotinthedark]

Alot of guys shoot themselves in the foot on the first date by bringing up a second date the same evening. That never helps your cause.

 

Think of the first date as more a casual meet... you can feel her personality out one-on-one, her body language, etc. NEVER bring up a second date while you're on the first.

 

Also, don't text her that night after the date telling her what a great time you had... you're killing challenge. Take her out, show her a good time, keep things light and funny, and then wait a few days before setting up another date. Make her wonder if you want to see her again.

 

If she contacts you that night or the day after.... congratulations, you've got a live one.

[hockeynut]

Alot of guys shoot themselves in the foot on the first date by bringing up a second date the same evening. That never helps your cause.

 

Think of the first date as more a casual meet... you can feel her personality out one-on-one, her body language, etc. NEVER bring up a second date while you're on the first.

 

Also, don't text her that night after the date telling her what a great time you had... you're killing challenge. Take her out, show her a good time, keep things light and funny, and then wait a few days before setting up another date. Make her wonder if you want to see her again.

 

If she contacts you that night or the day after.... congratulations, you've got a live one.

 

This is great advice and it is NOT to be mistanken as game playing. As has been said before, online dating can be like shooting fish in a barrel (for an attractive woman). You need to instill some real-world tension and by doing little things by not texting after a date, can make all the difference.

[StrawberryYogurt]

 

Also, don't text her that night after the date telling her what a great time you had... you're killing challenge. Take her out, show her a good time, keep things light and funny, and then wait a few days before setting up another date. Make her wonder if you want to see her again.

 

 

I agree with this. Definitely don't ask for a 2nd date while you're on the first either. You want time for her and you to reflect on the date. Other than that, I don't know what to tell you.

[Lonewing]

Alot of guys shoot themselves in the foot on the first date by bringing up a second date the same evening. That never helps your cause.

 

Think of the first date as more a casual meet... you can feel her personality out one-on-one, her body language, etc. NEVER bring up a second date while you're on the first.

 

Also, don't text her that night after the date telling her what a great time you had... you're killing challenge. Take her out, show her a good time, keep things light and funny, and then wait a few days before setting up another date. Make her wonder if you want to see her again.

 

If she contacts you that night or the day after.... congratulations, you've got a live one.

 

It doesn't matter when you bring it up. At the beginning of the first date, at the end of the first date, the next day, the next week, the next year; if she doesn't want that next date, it's a done deal and she [or he] has already made that decision literally about 2 minutes into the date.

[The_Seeker]

Alot of guys shoot themselves in the foot on the first date by bringing up a second date the same evening. That never helps your cause.

 

Sorry. That's dumb.

 

Guys should go for what they and and need. Same with girls.

 

But then again that's just me. Couple guys do that to me couple time that I decided if they play the "I'll think about it" card after I asked for a second date then let me know couple weeks later to go on a sec ond date, I told them I moved on. Got no time to waste.

 

Think of the first date as more a casual meet... you can feel her personality out one-on-one, her body language, etc.

 

First date is introduction.

 

NEVER bring up a second date while you're on the first.

 

Dang how many dating rules are there?

 

Also, don't text her that night after the date telling her what a great time you had

 

This wicked pissed me off. When I was single and dated guys who didn't text me they had a good time, I decided not to date them again.

 

;] Yes I did text them saying I had a great time.

 

 

... you're killing challenge.

 

This is why when you're a guy who did the moves above listed. You end up having your soon to be exgirlfriend who gives her more of a challenge.

 

End of result? Waste of time of not being who you are in the first place. You sure you want a girl you have to keep challenge every single time? What a life.

 

Take her out, show her a good time, keep things light and funny, and then wait a few days before setting up another date. Make her wonder if you want to see her again.

 

Yea a lot of girls see right through that unless they're really dumb.

 

If you do that, she will move on to the next guy unless she is dating multiple guys.

 

But if she is dating a guy one at a time until you guys decide you want to pursue more further. However if you continue to pull this move on a girl like that or me, I would go to a next guy because I got no time to play this stupid pathetic game like a little girl.

 

If she contacts you that night or the day after.... congratulations, you've got a live one.

 

Or you lost because she realizes you're absolutely not being yourself.

[The_Seeker]

It doesn't matter when you bring it up. At the beginning of the first date, at the end of the first date, the next day, the next week, the next year; if she doesn't want that next date, it's a done deal and she [or he] has already made that decision literally about 2 minutes into the date.

 

Lonewing, you took the words out of my brain for sure.

 

That's what I meant.

 

EXACTLY what I meant.

[shotinthedark]

I'm flattered you took time on Valentine's Day to go through my post with a fine-haired comb. I figured you might be getting ready for a big date instead?

 

When a girl asks for a second date, you don't ever turn her down if you're interested. I was saying that you shouldn't come on too strong by smothering her away. If she's asking for dates, that's the perfect scenario.

 

Also, the fact that you need guys to text you after a date to reassure you they had a good time implies neediness... the exact type of women you need to steer away from. A confident women is what all men are looking for. Of course I'll reply if I get the text after the date, but the dating world is very different for men than for women.

 

And as for not being yourself, I'm just saying to put your best foot forward. There are countless posts on her from women posting about guys who smothered them with texts and phone calls and killed all attraction.

 

Best of luck 'Seeker'....