gsh Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 My bf and I have been together for 1.5 years..we broke up 8 months into the relationship for a month because we both needed time alone time because we were both going through a difficult time with our work and family..and then when we got back together i thought we both had our heads straight. i thought we were really happy..we hardly fought..petty arguments once in a while..but better than ever before. We were watching crazy stupid love tonight and when ryan gosling asks steve carroll how many women he's slept with i looked at my bf and asked him. i thought we had discussed this before..and i was pretty sure it was 2 including me. He tried to avoid the question but then he eventually said 4. I was confused and kept pushing him to tell me who. one was in college before we met so ok whatever that's fine..and then he wouldnt tell me the last one untl i kept asking and he said he didnt want to hurt us... Finally he admitted that when he way on a business trip the week of his birthday (3 months ago) he screwed some random girl from the bar. I know theres a big stimga on cheating..he gave the usual excuses..he was drunk doesnt even remember how it happened..but i'm not stupid. He could have and should have if he cared about me. Then he said it's hard because we hardly have sex..(which is true because we both live with our parents and I am very conservative and think its disrespectful to our parents if we did it in our rooms)...i'd say we only slept together about 10-15 times our whole relationship.. but then again, I don't give a ....or that he broke out sobbing asking me to take time to think about giving him another chance. he hid it from me and all he had to say to that was that he didn't want me to leave him. At this point, I'm not concerned about him or thinking abuot the relationship but i just feel in shock and confused. I don't know how i'm supposed to be feeling or what to do from here on..hes 29 and im 27 btw.. i feel so helpless and insecure..any advice? Link to comment
Bluezilla Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 Let me get this straight. He complains of not having enough sex with you so he goes and gets it by going on a business trip away from you and gets so hammered he does not remember? What a crock of He is the one that should be feeling insecure. Drop him and move on. He destroyed your trust. He will do it again. Link to comment
guynextdoor Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 So were you guys together when he slept with this other person? Link to comment
gsh Posted February 12, 2012 Author Share Posted February 12, 2012 yes we were together...i can't sleep..im in shock and denial Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 If a man's response to not having enough sex with you is getting it on the side versus talking to you about it, you can never trust him again. He feels justified in what he did. The only time I would entertain forgiving cheating is if they confessed unprompted and ask to work to regain trust. He has failed in both cases. You are 27. Do you want to keep wasting time with this guy? Link to comment
stickman Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 You have issues that can be resolved. He needs sex and wants sex to be closer to YOU. Sorry, but having sex ONLY 10-15 times in that period of time would not be enough for me either. If you love someone, you find the time and place. Harsh as it sounds, you have a part in it...in MY opinion. Dump him if you want. But he admitted his mistake and loves YOU. You can either work to resolve the issue or walk away. Link to comment
gsh Posted February 12, 2012 Author Share Posted February 12, 2012 You have issues that can be resolved. But he admitted his mistake and loves YOU. You can either work to resolve the issue or walk away. Where in this situation am I supposed to feel that he loves me? i feel the opposite and that he only admitted to it because I pushed for it..3 months later. He had planned to take it to his grave Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 I think you two need to sit down and have a long, serious conversation. What would it take for him to get this relationship back on track? What would it take for you to get this relationship back on track? Be honest about what you both need. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 You have issues that can be resolved. He needs sex and wants sex to be closer to YOU. Sorry, but having sex ONLY 10-15 times in that period of time would not be enough for me either. If you love someone, you find the time and place. Harsh as it sounds, you have a part in it...in MY opinion. Dump him if you want. But he admitted his mistake and loves YOU. You can either work to resolve the issue or walk away. Men with integrity and a deep love for you would either talk to you about the lack of sex or walk away. Don't ever let anyone feel like it's your fault that he cheated. Link to comment
Bluezilla Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 Men with integrity and a deep love for you would either talk to you about the lack of sex or walk away. Don't ever let anyone feel like it's your fault that he cheated. AMEN!!! As a man of integrity I wholeheartedly agree with that statement. Very well said. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 I'm really surprized he actually confessed to this. He could have just said that he slept with 2 people like he did before. But he told you the truth and that counts for something. He's telling you the reason why he has done this, it's up to you whether you can meet him halfway on it, or let him go because of it. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 He cheated. Yes that makes him a scumbag - but happy people don't cheat, it's a fact. So if you plan on taking him back then you need to discuss we're you both went wrong, why x, y, and z happened, and fix it. If you don't take him back then chalk it up as a life lesson. While I would never cheat, 10-15 times in a year and a half would matter to me. When in a relationship it's not just your sex drive that factors in. If you cant meet his half way, for whatever reason, then your sex drives or opposite and you guys should probably walk away at this point. Link to comment
stickman Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 Men with integrity and a deep love for you would either talk to you about the lack of sex or walk away. Don't ever let anyone feel like it's your fault that he cheated. Sounds to me like he DID try to talk about it. He made a mistake, admitted it and may still want to make a go of it. Why must we always make people out to be a villain if they cheat. There was only one perfect person in the world that I am aware of and he got killed on a cross too! Let that person that has never made a mistake cast the first stone! You want to resolve the NOW problem since it has come to the surface, you talk about it like adults with some deep understanding, expectations and goals. THEN anything is still possible! This situation like many accidents and mistakes could turn in to something great! WeALL learn by our mistakes...And not by the GREAT perfect things we do people. Get real!! Link to comment
gsh Posted February 12, 2012 Author Share Posted February 12, 2012 i think we both have issues we need to talk about and i do want to talk about it despite what might come of us..however, i don't want to discuss, agree on whatever things to work on, and go back to how we were..it makes me feel that he just got a slap on the hand and think that it's okay to cheat. i realize that you can't punish someone but i want him to really realize and understand the significance of what he's done...because i'm not sure he does... Link to comment
stickman Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 Quality people, with quality communication, expectations and goals can do anything if they have a motivation that comes from within themselves. NOT by being manipulated by others. I may bve wrong, but sounds to me like you may both need to make changes. That can only come about it you have time to think about what YOU want and he thinks about what HE wants. You are spot on correct in that you CANT go back to the way things were. Perhaps some agreed upon time apart could give you each time to think about things. Then get back together with love in your hearts to work out the solution. Perhaps give each other a month totally apart without contact. He may feel he cant give you what you need. You may feel the same way. In the end, this might be the best ending...or the best rebirth to a new and better relationship. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 I agree with stockman. You both need time to think about what happened, why it happened, if you want to continue, etc. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 I would never stay with someone who cheated for two reasons: 1) They have show the way the deal with problems is immature, they have lied, and exposed themselves (and their partners) to (possible) STDs. 2) Sexual incompatible. This can cause a huge strain on a relationship. If this guy was any good he would have have the maturity to know that the relationship should end. Link to comment
RedDress Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 I think for me, it would really come down to how hard he tried to communicate the issue before he eventually resorted to cheating. Was this an argument that you were having regularly (ie: once a week for a few months) and there was simply no apparent resolution? Where he was struggling with it and finally on a business trip there was a lady hitting on him and he just snapped? Or did he mention it once in passing and never talk about it again and you had a vague idea he was unhappy? I agree that a man with deep integrity would not have cheated regardless. But... in the grey area of life... sometimes people are just desperate. A man who never steals, stealing because he's hungry type of thing. I would sit down soberly and really think about how hard he tried to communicate this issue. Therein lies the answer. ... but... in the back of my mind I always come back to the integrity thing. PS: Why do you both live at home at 27 and 29? That is clearly not working for you. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 Sounds to me like he DID try to talk about it. He made a mistake, admitted it and may still want to make a go of it. Why must we always make people out to be a villain if they cheat. There was only one perfect person in the world that I am aware of and he got killed on a cross too! Let that person that has never made a mistake cast the first stone! The problem with this is that cheating is not a mistake, it's a choice. A mistake is when you add 2+2, and come up with an answer of that equaling 5, instead of 4, where cheating is a conscious choice one makes, while knowing full well what the potential consequences may be. Link to comment
buddha55 Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 I agree with stickman, annie, and dylan. As much as they feel like it, sex and love are not the same thing. He confessed to you. I once cheated and I absolutely CANNOT lie to someone I care about, so I confessed. It was a huge mistake (happened within the first two months of the relationship) but it didn't mean I cared for my partner any less. I truly learned from it. It pained me so much to hurt him that way I did through deception. I will never do it again. EVER. people can learn. Link to comment
stickman Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 The problem with this is that cheating is not a mistake, it's a choice. A mistake is when you add 2+2, and come up with an answer of that equaling 5, instead of 4, where cheating is a conscious choice one makes, while knowing full well what the potential consequences may be. So based on your anaolgy about cheating and your very words... "all choices are made knowing full well the potential consequences." I have no idea what color the sky is in your world but on my planet, we CAN make a choice that is sometimes a mistake. We all know that driving too fast on slick roads is dangerous...yet many of us do it... and only after you slam your car in to the guardrail or a tree do you learn to make sure that the next time you dont speed!! Sometimes we just spin out and no damage is done. Sometimes that mistake gets us killed. The facts are that most every great lesson in life comes from a mistake rather than a success!!!! I think many people on here drink too much of the same cool aide. Link to comment
gsh Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 I agree with stickman, annie, and dylan. As much as they feel like it, sex and love are not the same thing. He confessed to you. I once cheated and I absolutely CANNOT lie to someone I care about, so I confessed. It was a huge mistake (happened within the first two months of the relationship) but it didn't mean I cared for my partner any less. I truly learned from it. It pained me so much to hurt him that way I did through deception. I will never do it again. EVER. people can learn. i don't want to offend you in any way but in your opinion, at that time, was wanting pure sex enough to make you do it? i do believe him that he feels he made a huge mistake and that he will learn...he broke down sobbing and wouldn't look at me because he felt so ashamed and embarrassed. i haven't decided whether i want to walk away yet or not but right now i'm trying to understand how he could do this..then decide to let it eat him alive by telling himself he would take it to his grave..then end up breaking down and confess. if he truly felt that he would learn and believed it was a mistake..i wish he had just lied all the way.. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 if he truly felt that he would learn and believed it was a mistake.. Yes, this is why i recommend you talk to him about what it would take to trust again. And what he needs from you to stop this from happening again. I hate to be Captain Obvious here, but I think that the lack of sex probably contributed to his cheating. So I think you both need to be honest with each other about what you need from this relationship. Maybe that's why he told you instead of just lying about it (as you point out, he could have, very easily). Maybe he thinks it's time to get some things out into the open? Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 This is my exerpeince OP: My ex cheated on me twice, I took him back both times. The first time do you know the only reason why he told me? his best friend made him. Yes, his best friend (who was a friend of mine as well). The best friend said if you don't tell her, I will. The second time I stumbled accross the proof on my own and confronted him. He lied and after hounding him for 5 hours admitted she had given him oral sex. Flash forward 2 weeks later, he's admitting to me they had sex - again, only because I pushed. The moral is if they are only sorry to have been caught, they will lie when put on the spot. They will lie through their teeth. But in the rare instance it IS a mistake and they truly feel sorry for it (not because they were caught but truly sorry for the incident) they'll come clean if prompted. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Sounds to me like he DID try to talk about it. He made a mistake, admitted it and may still want to make a go of it. Why must we always make people out to be a villain if they cheat. There was only one perfect person in the world that I am aware of and he got killed on a cross too! Let that person that has never made a mistake cast the first stone! You want to resolve the NOW problem since it has come to the surface, you talk about it like adults with some deep understanding, expectations and goals. THEN anything is still possible! This situation like many accidents and mistakes could turn in to something great! WeALL learn by our mistakes...And not by the GREAT perfect things we do people. Get real!! This makes it sound like he misplaced his keys. He made a series of choices that resulted in cheating. Also, from what was posted, she pretty much had to hound him to get the truth. Not a shining beacon of remorse to me. I really don't care about the religious references because in reality, we all choose who we want to be in a relationship with. I would rather not be with a cheater. Doesn't mean I am judgemental. It means I have boundaries. I agree that a man with deep integrity would not have cheated regardless. But... in the grey area of life... sometimes people are just desperate. A man who never steals, stealing because he's hungry type of thing. Honestly don't really buy this either if he wasn't talking to you about the lack of sex. I would also be wary that he hasn't been getting a whole lot more on the side than he admitted to. The problem with this is that cheating is not a mistake, it's a choice. A mistake is when you add 2+2, and come up with an answer of that equaling 5, instead of 4, where cheating is a conscious choice one makes, while knowing full well what the potential consequences may be. Agree. I think people who do cheat or who might cheat minimize cheating by saying people who judge are existential hypocrites. It all boils down to one truth: what kind of partnership do you want? If your partner is doing things outside of your boundary for a healthy relationship, it is wise to leave and never look back. Link to comment
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