My boyfriend wants to move in with my best friend?

[Keska56]

My boyfriend told me tonight that he was interested in moving out of his parent's house before his uni workload becomes too heavy. I've been considering moving out earlier but because I had so many problems at home I was unable to and he knows this. But now I am starting to get things together and am ready to take another step in my life.

 

My best friend was good friends with him at university when they first started (they go to the same one). I've known her since high school. She's everyone's dream girl - multi-talented, bi-lingual and intelligent, with perfect hair, skin, teeth and a perfect body. She wears no makeup but is absolutely beautiful and everyone comments on that. She has massive ... er. Breasts. Massive. And with her petite figure they look even bigger. Everyone points that out and I once caught my boyfriend eyeing them. His argument was: "How could I not, they were right there." And I didn't know what to say so I just left it. He's a very sweet guy and I love him very much but I was a bit thrown off by that comment. Especially since he admitted to me that when he first met her at uni he felt "lust" towards her. I don't think he meant to hurt me but you know.

 

Everyone I talk to says my best friend is so hot and I can't help but agree because she is. When I exercise I just stay the same weight no matter what I eat so maybe I'm not exercising properly but I've tried for so long and it bothers me. I'm an average size but I have such short legs. I have problem skin on my face, chest and back that NEVER goes away. I've tried everything from Proactive to changing my diet and drinking so much water every day. Nothing. I have skin discolouration (darkened skin) under my arms and between my legs (like on my upper thighs). I suffer from dark hair growing in places where it should be so obvious (my stomach, back, upper lip and chin) - but I do not have polycystic ovarian syndrome. I shave and epilate those areas but she never has to as she does have that problem. My hair (on my head lol) is always very frizzy and unmanageable and I have so much cellulite and stretch marks (people will go: "oh I bet it's not that bad and you're being harsh on yourself" but it is very bad and the reason why I never wear a bikini). * * * ?! Why does nothing help it? I exercise and eat healthy and I know it's not genetic because my Mum does not suffer from cellulite or acne and neither did my dad. I have crooked teeth (I couldn't afford braces when I was little but I'm getting them soon). I constantly have dark eye circles no matter how much sleep I get. It's not genetic either. And to top it off, I could never compete with her intelligence. I know I'm smart, but she is studying a double degree (both subjects are difficult) at the top university in my state. My boyfriend is also doing a double degree there.

 

Yes, I sound jealous. Because I AM jealous. I wish I could change this side of me but those who have felt this before about a best friend would understand where I'm going from. I'm working on changing it as I am much less a jealous person than in the past.

 

But what hurts the most is that my boyfriend wants to move IN with her. He never asked me to move in with him (even though he knew I was ready). She has a boyfriend who doesn't live with her but sometimes stays the night when he has work in the morning as it is closer. After confessing my unease, I eventually told my boyfriend I would rather he move in with her than have a roommate who is irresponsible and god knows what else. Not to mention the rent is cheaper than anywhere else and it is a nice house in a good location. So it's convenient for him. But nobody else lives in the sharehouse except for my best friend at the moment (and occassionally the landlord's mother). So if he moves in it will just be her and him. He might see her just out of the shower by accident or whatever and that bothers me. Especially since he thinks she is hot. I told him it would bother me but he said it would be better than going somewhere expensive and I guess I agree on that aspect.

 

I feel very controlling right now after telling him how I felt. I know some people will put me down and say I'm being the typical over-protective jealous girlfriend.

 

Maybe I am.

 

But I never read his texts or emails as I feel so awkward looking through other people's stuff. Even when he says I can use his computer when he's not home I flat out refuse. He asked me: "You do trust me, don't you?" And I do. But I never trust someone 100% because you never know when something or someone comes along to change that person and make them lose your trust. I've been betrayed so many times before so I'm wary about it.

 

Can I still say I trust him if it's not 100%? Is that still trust? I don't know.

 

Am I right to feel sad that he wants to move in with her when I'm the one in a relationship with him? I know he was friends with her before he met me. But my best friend used to be quite promiscuous before she met her current boyfriend. I'm not sure anymore.

 

Guh, I'm so conflicted. I'm over-reacting, am I.

 

Edit: There was only one extra room and that one is too small for us to share if I did move in as well, so that is out of the question.

[velvette]

gosh, I would be SO upset. especially with your additional info that there's no hope of you moving in too, I just don't like this at all. why doesn't HER bf move in with her?? and you and your bf can find your own place. I think he's walking a dangerous path, flirting with temptation. but ultimately, it's not up to you to control him. if you're not uncomfortable with this idea, he should respect you however. because if anything happens, you'll lose more than a bf--you may also lose your bff. I would be upset if my bf decided to move in with a female, just the two of them; not to mention a female he admits to 'lusting' after! definitely not long-term; it would not be ok with me.

[FathomFear]

Considering that you spent quite a bit of time talking about perceived imperfections with your own body, I suspect this is ultimately due to problems with your own self-image and confidence. You don't believe you're "worth" anything, so therefore lack trust that others could be faithful to you.

 

Which path you take is up to you. Sure, you could set some artificial rule saying that he can't live with her and that certainly might make you feel better in the short term. In the long term, though, it's just setting a tone that might come back to haunt you later.

[Keska56]

@ velvette: I really want to trust him fully. He is a responsible person but a lot of men can't help but feel aroused when a very hot woman is placed in front of them (that sounds like a stereotype but from what I've experienced in past relationships it happens a lot). And he has openly commented about how attractive he finds some girls in movies and stuff (I never comment about other guys because I find him and only him attractive to me, but everyone is different). He has said to me he would be disappointed if my chest size for whatever reason, got any smaller (he later said it was a joke but it made me insecure because I want to lose weight (I'm not fat but still) and if I do then "those" might be affected). And like you said, I don't feel very okay about him having "lusted" after her before. I'm hurt he is planning to move in with her and he didn't ask me first and we are in the relationship. But at the same time I feel like I'm stepping between THEIR friendship since he knew her before he knew me. Geez, I don't know what to think right now ahaha. I'm not really sure why my best friend's boyfriend isn't moving in but I think it's because he's not entirely ready yet or something. I'm not sure how he feels about this situation yet or if he knows of it right now.

[Keska56]

@ FathomFear - Yes, I won't deny that I am having a lot of problems with my own self image and confidence, you're right (she is very confident too whereas I am not. I'm quite introverted compared to her but I am working on that). I don't want to control him and I spoke to him about that. I have told him my insecurities but he still thinks it is more convenient for him to move in there as it is cheap.

 

It is my wavering self-confidence and perception of my body that causes me to question if he finds her more sexually attractive. Sure, he's not in a relationship with her but me. But the comparison is still made between us regularly and he is always saying he never wants me to put on weight. She is very slim. So I am always comparing myself to her.

 

I know my insecurities will haunt me if I keep feeling this way. It's very difficult to love myself when I know that he does like her body. I sound so insecure but I'll try hard to get better at accepting who I am. Thank you for your comment.

[OptomisticGirl]

I don't think this has anything to do with him living with your hot best friend - its all you. I'm a tad insecure with my body but my husband lives with not one but two other women - none of the accidental seeing th after a shower has ever crossed my mind.

 

Actually, he has seen one accidentally after a shower.

[Keska56]

@ OptomisticGirl: It is to do with him living with her as well though. I think if I was comfortable with my body I would still feel a bit uneasy about him living there since he has said he lusted after her before. I know that was then and this is now but she looks much more attractive and womanly than she did as a freshman. So of course me being insecure just makes it worse. But I know I would still feel a degree of what I'm feeling now simply because I'm in a relationship with him and he's living with a close female friend who he has openly expressed attraction towards. And he would rather live with her than live with me. He has seen her in a bikini before and pointed out she looked really good in it and wished I would wear one instead of the shirt and board shorts I wear when I go swimming. He said appreciating her body is like "appreciating a fine piece of art".

[Ms Darcy]

I don't even know you but from the way you describe yourself versus your best friend, I would want to date her and not you. I think insecurities can and will push your bf away.

 

Ultimately, it's his choice. You can tell him of your discomfort and leave the final decision to him. I can see how you would be uncomfortable but your insecurities are making things worse and not better.

[OptomisticGirl]

Have you stopped to think he isn't READY to take your relationship to the next level? Would you rather he live with her and you stay in a relationship vs heave in with you when you aren't ready and it end your relationship? Moving in for he wrong reasons can an will kill a relationship.

[Keska56]

@ Ms Darcy - I have told him my insecurities several times as I stated in the original post. And your first sentence seems to be putting me down further, so thank you for that. Yes, I am insecure and I have told him how I feel. I know insecurity is not attractive. I am not insecure about everything ever, I am just feeling more insecure now because he is wanting to move in with her and he thinks she is hot and they are very friendly with each other. I am working on it like I said. I did not give him an ultimatum to choose between her and me (I know you did not suggest that I did but I'm just putting it out there). I am not a controlling person. I cook for him a lot and give him lots of love and attention and I am very supportive of his work and study based decisions and am always there for him when he has problems. I am a very faithful person in relationships but is it wrong that I feel like I am not his idea of "sexy" or "beautiful" compared to her? (Not to mention he has "yellow fever" and she is Chinese which adds to his attraction towards her). That's a silly thing to bring up but it's true. Attraction and emotional interest are two separate things. I understand that. But I want him to see me as beautiful too. More than her. It's selfish, but being his girlfriend I want to be the one he is attracted to physically as well as emotionally.

[Keska56]

@OptomisticGirl - I have thought about that. Which is why I did not demand he move in with me because I thought he would be weirded out. But I would rather he stay in a relationship with me and not risk something happening between them. You can stay in a relationship with someone and be doing something else with another person behind your person's back. Everyone knows this. Not saying he will do it but the possibility is there (and they both told me on separate occassions that they love and need sexual contact). I can go for a while without it but they can't, apparently. Which worries me. So if I'm not there and he's desperate (or she's desperate) they might initiate something when drunk or whatever.

[OptomisticGirl]

So the root of it is, you don't trust him. If you trusted him it wouldn't matter if he were drunk, you would trust HIm. You don't have to trust her but your relationship won't last if you don't trust him. I don't trustother females but my husband I do - I trust him to be the type of man who wouldn't put himself in that situation (being drunk) and cheat.

 

He doesn't have to live with her to cheat on you with her - he could do tht without livin with her.

[Keska56]

@ OptomisticGirl - I guess deep down inside, I don't. I thought I did, but maybe I don't. He has made out with a girl in the past before when drunk (before he dated me but he's still good friends with her and knows she had a crush on him at the time).

 

I understand he could cheat on her without living with her, but by living with her it ups the chances a LOT as he will see her everyday. They will go to uni together everyday and spend so much more time together.

 

I want to trust him, I really do. But when it comes to something like this, it's very hard for me to not doubt possible outcomes. I have to work on my trust issues.

[annie24]

I don't know - from what you describe, I would absolutely not want my boyfriend living with a babe like her. I'm always a bit wary of men with female roommates, but I know that there are exceptions and that there are some where there is no funny business going on.

 

Yeah, I'm also kind of wondering - why doesn't he want to move in with you....???

[Keska56]

@ annie24 - I find it hard accepting the fact he wants to move in with her, yes. Even if she weren't particularly hot, I would honestly still feel sad he would rather move in with another woman before considering living with me (I don't want to pressure him to live with me but you know. I think most women would feel a bit hurt over that at first). But he said it would be easier living with her and that I should just come and visit or something. He said he wants to be more independent. Maybe he is worried I would be shadowing his every move when I am perfectly happy to let him go out with friends and I let him talk to female friends. It's just him living with her bothers me. She's perfect (literally every man's dream girl) and to live with her would be an unpassable opportunity for most men I think. She gets hit on so much it's astounding. Jeez, I sound so unreasonable and controlling. I hate it.

[velvette]

yeah, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. he may not set out wanting to cheat, but I would not want him to be in a situation where it is 10000x more likely. putting two people who like each other together, over time, will get very tricky. especially since he admits he finds her hot and likes her 'type', it would not be easy for me to swallow.

 

I trust my bf with my life, but if he wanted to move in with one of his crushes, no way in hell. he can find another roommate. she is not the only roommate available! it's not even the fact that she's a girl, but the fact that she's your best friend and you have a complicated envy/self-loathing relationship with her. I don't think your worries are unfounded, or any indication that you are unreasonable/need to trust your bf more. I think you're really torn between wanting to state your full anxiety, and holding back in case you come off as a jealous controlling gf. while you can't control him and I wouldn't suggest ultimatums, I think you really should tell him how terrible it really makes you feel, and how you'd feel A LOT better if he could room with just someone else. if that place is really so great and cheap, maybe YOU can move in with your bff, and your bf can find another place. that way a great deal is not passed up, and that can't be his excuse.

[OptomisticGirl]

You kind of aren't putting trust in him, tbh. It's easier to go 'well she already thinks im a scumbag and will cheat on her, might as well!' ya know? If your going to think the worst of him then just leave him. I would not want my SO to automatically think the worst of me in a situation that is completely controlled by their insecurity.

[buddha55]

Have you talked to your best friend about this as opposed to bf?

[Ms Darcy]

@ Ms Darcy - I have told him my insecurities several times as I stated in the original post.

 

I know you did. I just said that all you can do is present your concerns and leave the choice of what to do up to him.

 

And your first sentence seems to be putting me down further, so thank you for that. Yes, I am insecure and I have told him how I feel. I know insecurity is not attractive. I am not insecure about everything ever, I am just feeling more insecure now because he is wanting to move in with her and he thinks she is hot and they are very friendly with each other.

 

I don't mean it to put you down. I mean how you portray yourself will impact the way others see you. I know women who are 'overweight' who I think are the most gorgeous on the planet simply because their confidence is ridiculous.

 

I am working on it like I said.

 

How are you working on it?

 

I did not give him an ultimatum to choose between her and me (I know you did not suggest that I did but I'm just putting it out there). I am not a controlling person.

 

Good - don't give an ultimatum.

 

I cook for him a lot and give him lots of love and attention and I am very supportive of his work and study based decisions and am always there for him when he has problems. I am a very faithful person in relationships but is it wrong that I feel like I am not his idea of "sexy" or "beautiful" compared to her?(Not to mention he has "yellow fever" and she is Chinese which adds to his attraction towards her). That's a silly thing to bring up but it's true. Attraction and emotional interest are two separate things. I understand that. But I want him to see me as beautiful too. More than her. It's selfish, but being his girlfriend I want to be the one he is attracted to physically as well as emotionally.

 

This adds another element. I am going to assume that you are not Asian (given what you say). If he is primarily attracted to Asian women, then yes I can see why you are concerned. Again, not much you can do about his attraction but the concern is not out of left field. My first bf was attracted to another race - not mine. Anyway, he now dates that race exclusively and I date guys who aaare super attracted to me.

 

If he truly prefers Asian women, then you two won't make it in the long-run anyway. I can say that from personal experience with a guy who had a racial preference.

 

@ annie24 - I find it hard accepting the fact he wants to move in with her, yes. Even if she weren't particularly hot, I would honestly still feel sad he would rather move in with another woman before considering living with me (I don't want to pressure him to live with me but you know. I think most women would feel a bit hurt over that at first). But he said it would be easier living with her and that I should just come and visit or something. He said he wants to be more independent. Maybe he is worried I would be shadowing his every move when I am perfectly happy to let him go out with friends and I let him talk to female friends. It's just him living with her bothers me. She's perfect (literally every man's dream girl) and to live with her would be an unpassable opportunity for most men I think. She gets hit on so much it's astounding. Jeez, I sound so unreasonable and controlling. I hate it.

 

Two things here. One, I would not want to live with my bf. I think a lot of people don't want to live with their partners. In fact, I don't get living with a bf unless you are getting married. What's the point? Now you lose the excitement and mystery of the dating relationship. If you are ready for commitment, then marriage would be the next step for me. So ... that's me. If he lives with you he has to ACCOUNT for things now ... he has to tell you when he's coming home, spend more time with you, etc etc. It's a big responsibility.

 

Two, it only takes one. This is my philosophy in life. Doesn't matter how hot you are ... to get in a relationhip, get married, etc all you need is one bf, one fiance, one husband who adores you more than anything in the world. If your guy makes you feel that way then who cares who hits on her. If he doesn't, maybe it's not the right relationship for you.

[penelope13]

If I understood correctly, he is currently living with his parents? - I think it's a good lesson in life to experience living away from family and outside a romantic relationship. You should not move in with a partner for logistic, financial etc purposes - but because it is the next step in your relationship and both are ready for that step. Playing house too early in the relationship can put all sorts of unexpected pressures, can give cause for unnecessary disagreements, and eventually lead to a breakup of an otherwise fine relationship.

 

As to the choice of who he lives with: of course that is solely his decision. This is not to say that I don't understand your concerns. However, are you sure that you would be perfectly happy with whoever he moves in as long as it is not this particular girl? Whoever could be another attractive female either physically or personality wise? Would that make you any more comfortable? Or is it ok for him to live with a female, as long as (in your eyes) she is less attractive than you?

 

As you said, he has known her before he knew you. And despite her attractiveness he has not chosen to date her. I guess he has his reasons for that, even if you don't believe it.

 

I'd also be curious to know what you are doing in order to overcome your insecurities since that will be the most beneficial for you to deal with this situation.

[Savannahrose]

You are his girlfriend. GIRLFRIEND. not her. The way you talk about her an how bloody perfect she is, that has to stop. He's DATING YOU. NOT her. Remember that, he is choosing you. If he moves in with her so what, he choose you. Please do not respond to this by saying anything negative optimistic girl. If you love him as much as you say you do, then there is nothing for you to worried about. Trust him. There really is no reason not to. So you have been wronged in the past, who hasn't? He choose you an still chooses you. Accept that. The best part about this all is, do you look like her, no, do I, no. Then he choose you because you are you and not her. If he has known her for so long then he had time to be with her. Instead he is with you. See where I am going with this???? He is with you because you are you, a strong beautiful women who knows her weaknesses and is working on them. You are amazing. Accept that.

[Circe]

Well, I don't like it. I understand what everyone is saying about your self-confidence/security etc - but I don't like the way your bf is behaving. I don't think it's ok for him to be oggling her breasts in front of you and saying "I couldn't help it" and "she's a fine piece of art" .. this stuff just doesn't need to be said. He's in uni - he's old enough to realise that's going to hurt you. I'm sure he knows how insecure you feel around her so he should be sensitive to that and not make things worse.

 

I would never, ever, ever move in with my partner's best friend if I knew my partner constantly compared himself to the best friend and felt he came off inferior and did worry and worry that I'd fall for the partner if I lived with him. I might know my partner had no real reason to fear this because I would never do such a thing and should be trusted - BUT - I still wouldn't do it. I just couldn't put him through that kind of worry/unhappiness. So why on Earth is your partner ok with you feeling this kind of fear/worry when he could easily live with someone else?

 

Yes, insecurity is your problem and not his - but surely a caring partner still takes the (perhaps irrational, perhaps not) insecurity of their loved one into account?

[SarahRose]

Has your best friend ever liked him romantically?

 

What I am thinking is he has lusted after her a long time but she has him in the friend zone. I have no doubt if she suddenly changed her mind he would date her in a second. I'm sorry to talk this way but college boys are all about hitting it and having the trophy girlfriends. If he moves in with her then he might be thinking he has a better chance with her.

[bulletproof]

So your boyfriend has told you that he doesn't want you to gain weight? And that his preference is Chinese women? And who he is attracted to on television? And that he once lusted after your best friend? And that he hopes your breasts don't get any smaller?

 

I'm sorry, he just doesn't sound like that great of a boyfriend. I feel like the roommate situation is the least of your problems. You are terribly insecure, which I realize you've acknowledged, and that insecurity has led you to date someone who is not treating you well, because you think that you're not worth someone better.

 

You definitely do not trust him, because if you did, then he could be living with a harem and it wouldn't matter. So basically, he's not really a great bf (in my opinion), you don't trust him, and you have some serious insecurities within yourself to conquer. Maybe it's time to let this one go.

[missstrawberry]

Ok, first of all Keska. I was googling and came accross your thread and I just had to register and post a reply.

 

Speaking from someone who has experienced what you are feeling. I will tell you what happened in my situation. My boyfriends friend just broke up with her boyfriend and she needed a place to stay and find a job. My boyfriend seems to be her only option. I was not keen about it, she is pretty but so am i. I was not actually worried about her being pretty as I have never felt insecure about looks, in my case I was worried that if they spent more time together than he spends with me she may gradually begin to fall in love with him or vice versa. She would see him more than he sees me. Of course I would not be comfortable with that. I could live with THEM but I have principles as to not move in with a guy unless we are married. Being chinese we have strict rules so me living with them would be out of the question.

 

But here is the difference. My boyfriend respects me enough to ask me for my opinion on the matter before he agrees to her moving in. I told him no, I would feel uncomfortable about it. He did not ask me why. Only he was happy I would feel jealousy over him and plus he did not want to upset me or make me sad so he told her she could not move in. I did not make him choose. I simply stated I was uncomfortable and that if she is really desperate I can't say no to a girl in need of help. You should tell your boyfriend to put himself in your situation if the roles were reversed. Put it nicely and say "how would you feel if I decided to live with a male friend of mine, will you be ok with it do you think? Make it more of a question than a statement.

 

I don't believe you are an insecure person. Your insecurities were mainly built up due to what your bf has been telling you. He is definitely comparing you to your best friend. I can only conclude from his actions that he is either one, trying to make you jealous! Two, wants you to show jealousy to show you care (that is if you havent done so already) and three, he does not care for your feelings. But in my honest opinion I think it is one and three.

 

If a guy truly cares about you he would consider your feelings. Hurting you would be the last thing they would want to do. In this case your boyfriend does not seem to care for your feelings, he seems to be making it worse by making comparisons. Trust me I have done the exact same thing to a guy i did not really love before I met my current boyfriend. I made endless comparisons and did not care when I hurt my ex's feelings. I was a total * * * * * . And now your boyfriend is a total jack ass.

 

It's harsh but true I think you should let him go just like the person above has said. He isn't making you happy and seems to be putting you down. You need a guy that makes you feel good about yourself. Who respects you. A guy who considers your opinions. Perhaps you should tell him you met a fit friend just to piss him off. Immature I know, but isnt that how he is acting? Your boyfriend sounds like a guy I would avoid at all costs.

 

I was very happy when my boyfriend left the decision making to me. He said no matter what my decision was he would respect it. Anything to make me happy. This makes me love him all the more because I know he respects me enough to let me decide for him. Just remember if a guy really loves you they will not want to see you cry or be sad. So instead of asking yourself if he would cheat on you, ask yourself does he love you and think of the times when you think he does. I'm sorry to sound harsh but really he is doing nothing to boost your ego, instead he is lowering your self esteem.

 

Do let me know how you get on

 

xxx