Has the spark gone because we see too much of each other?

[connections]

Hi guys

 

This is my first post here so apologies in advance if I've asked this question in the wrong section..

 

I just had a quick question regarding a new relationship I'm involved in:

 

We're both 21 & have been together for only 4 months. He spends 2 weeks a month away for work & the other 2 at his home, round the corner from me.

When he is home we do see each other a lot. I'm talking 6 evenings a week. It was both our faults for jumping in too quickly with one another, but we just enjoyed spending so much time with each other (the honeymoon stage?).

 

However, he's been home this weekend (after being away for 2 weeks) & we've had a couple of birthday parties to go to. At each one he's paid literally no attention to me, focussing on his friends instead. I know it's really not that big a deal (& I know I sound very immature for wanting more attention...) But I looked at the other couples at these parties, the majority having been "together" for years & they're still paying a lot of attention to each other. Then I looked at us & though to myself "Wow, if he can't even give me some attention when we've only been together a few months, then surely in a year or so it will be so much worse?!?!" Although he had been away for two weeks previously, the only thing I could put it down to is perhaps we've spent so much time together the last 4 months, he's already starting to take me for granted.

 

I don't know what to suggest now though. I don't want to mention anything for fear that he will see me as a needy immature child (maybe that is the case?)...but then I don't really want to pull away without giving a reason, as I'm sure those who have been on the receiving end of someone pulling away without reason can all agree it's not very nice.

 

Or perhaps just accept that the honeymoon stage is over & he's simply not really the type of guy to give attention to his girlfriend when there's other things going on.

 

Apologies for the long post & thank you in advance if you read this. xoxo

 

Edit - I'd rather not play any "mind games" (E.g, not answering the phone for a couple of nights) as I feel this is unfair to him.

[Julimony]

I don't think you're acting like an immature and needy child.. It's normal to want you boyfriend to give you at least some attention. Even more after not seeing each other for two weeks!! And I don't think that the fact that you've spent a lot of time together has anything to do about it.. My sister and her boyfriend have been together for five years now and whenever they can, they see each other. Sometimes, she spends a whole week at his house.. I don't want to scare you or anything, but unless he isn't the type to give attention (which isn't very good anyways), you really should talk to him about this. If you don't, you'll keep wondering why he acted like that. And if the reason is only that he already takes you for granted (after 4 months, that seems pretty quick to me..), then you really need to talk. Because he should never take you for granted.

[WhenWillILove]

He should pay attention to you, especially in the very early stages of your relationship.

When 2 people are really into each other physically, emotionally, and intellectually (at least, we hope so), they don't get enough of each other for a good while.

I found my ex-SO quite the exciting stud 4 months into our relationship and couldn't wait to get my hands on him with each date.

[connections]

Thank you for your replies & the reassurance that I'm not terrible for feeling this way!!

 

I do think now then that it would be best I sit down & tell him how I feel. Although I am very worried about seeming a little crazy. He's incredibly close to his friends so I'm also worried about me talking about how I feel, him repeating this to his friends & then them having the idea that I am a crazy, needy girlfriend (a Chinese whispers sort of thing, haha).

 

Does anyone have any tips on how I can approach this in a way that I definitely cannot be seen as a crazy needy girlfriend?

 

Many, many thanks. xox

[lavenderdove]

Some people are social butterflies... if they're at a party, they will rush around trying to talk to everyone. He may see it that he socializes with you 6 days a week, so when he's at a party, he wants to spend time with everyone at the party since he gets to see you all the time at home. He could also be the gregarious type who when he drinks he is very outgoing and flits around.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by not paying attention to you at the party... do you mean, not staying by your side? Not talking to you privately. Frankly, personally, i don't expect to go to a party and spend the whole party with my BF glued to my side. I'd expect him to 'check in' now and again, but to be mostly talking to other people besides me since he can talk to me anytime.

 

So he may just be more outgoing/social than you are, so i'd tread lightly here. If he was rude to you at the party and didn't check in with you all night that is one thing. But if he is just talking to others most of the time that is what parties are about.

 

I would not suggest talking to him, i'd just suggest that next time at a party, you just stick with him and try to get into the conversations he has and get interested in talking to his friends and getting to know them rather than trying to get your BF to focus on you there. A party is full of people, why not just chat them up and win his friends over. You have 5 other days in the week to get paid attention to, so don't take it so seriously that he wants to party and enjoy his friends once in a while.

[lavenderdove]

btw, i don't think you are 'crazy', but i do think that different people have different ideas of what one should do at a party. As you get older, you will not stay glued to the BF all the time as you get more independent and don't expect constant body contact to feel secure. You will have work and children and other things that cut into your 'cuddling' and one on one time, so best to learn how to balance the need for feeling connected against the need to be separate individuals and deal with all of life's joys and challenges, both together and apart without clinging to your partner.

[connections]

Hi there Lavenderdove.

He is definitely the "social butterfly" of the group which is why I have tried to cut him some slack.And I completely understand what you mean, however he did not once check in. It got so bad that If i were outside having a ciggerette (or at the bar etc) & he came outside (with one of his friends) he would see me, yet not come over but continue his conversation with the friend, that's when I started to get upset as I couldn't do that to someone.

 

I have no problem not seeing each other for the majority of the time a party. And to be honest his friends are an absolute delight to talk to...I just think that not checking in the whole night at both parties was uncalled for...there isn't a nice balance there at all. Btw I went home alone on both occasions.

 

You are completely right about having the find a good balance though - something that I am struggling with!! I am going to have to work on that

[velvette]

was that the only night that concerned you? does he still miss you and love to be with you when you guys are alone? he also could just be embarrassed to show his 'soft side' to his male friends, and wants to look 'cool'. this could actually get better with time, as you communicate your frustrations.

 

my bf always says there's nobody he'd rather spend time with than me, and we've lived together for 4 out of the 5 years we've been together. however, at parties with guy friends, he would pay more attention to them, try to be 'cool', etc. at school he would hang out with his guy friends and me with my girl friends, we pretty much never ate lunch together or hung out during our breaks. it's ok though, if he hung out with me all those times then he wouldn't have good guy friends!

 

but anyway, you guys should definitely reach a compromise. and this can be done with plenty of honest communication! maybe it's ok for him to talk mainly to friends, but you'd like him to acknowledge you. maybe even include you in conversations, introduce you, etc. or at least check up on you once in a while to make you feel cared about.

[Ms Darcy]

I think the bigger problem is seeing each other 6 days a week. Cut it down, for your sake, and ask him to pay a little more attention to you at parties. I think he'll be willing.

[velvette]

really? I see my bf every single day (except now, since we had to go LD for a month--but this is rare) for the past 5 years, and it doesn't kill the 'spark' at all. hmm.

[VeryConfused17]

When my ex and I dated, I would spend 5-6 nights a week with her. It was always just us one on one. Every now and then we would go to parties and I would be the social butterfly off chatting with other people. We usually attended two different types of parties. Either one with my friends or one with her friends. Her friends and my friends were all good friends in college, but every one went there separate ways after school. Most parties my ex-gf and i would attend would be with her friends. As much as I hated always hanging out with her friends, I put a smile on and just chatted people up. Usually ended up having a good time too.

 

The problems seemed to arise when she would come hang out with my friends. Let me first note that my friends adored my ex, never said a bad thing about her. She always seemed on the edge though when she was out of her group of friends and in with mine. I knew she had issues stepping out of her comfort zone and I would often try to keep her involved in conversations. But I wasn't about to do that all night. I didn't want it to be a chore to keep her involved. So I would get her conversing then bop off for a bit. I would drink plenty and talk to everyone and their dog. She wasn't the biggest social butterfly with random people though. There was more than one occasion that she literally left the party without telling me.

 

We would only talk about these issues after we let them build up, and they would just turn to arguments. To the OP, you feelings are perfectly understandable, you should make them known in a polite manner otherwise they may begin to lead to a distance forming between you guys.

[Rose30]

what concerns me a bit is that you went home alone both nights. that seems a bit odd, i can't imagine going to a party with my bf and him not coming home with me or at least dropping me off. I also don't think a couple has to act like strangers at the party, there should be a balance, and its odd if he came outside and saw you and ignored you and kept on having his conversation. Has anything else changed in your relationship lately?

 

I think after 4 months seeing each other 6 times a week is too much, i would cut it down to maybe 4, but thats just me.

 

keep us posted.

[Stay_home]

Six days a week is a lot to see a person in one week. I agree with Darcy, cut it back two or three days. Give yourselves a chance to actually miss each other. Sometimes when you're around somebody long enough you begin to rub each other the wrong way after a while. Especially when it's very early in the relationship you really just don't want to do that. It's sort of like burning a candle from both ends.