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Help me: on the verge of "D" day


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We have been married for more than 10 years; large portion of it has been spent

on career development. We have a 5 yr old kid. I love them dearly.


My wife goes on and off when it comes to emotional outbursts. We both are highly degreed (univ edu), but some

how seems we cant discuss things rationally. I am currently in a startup after a huge corporate gig until she settled down. She is the main bread winner, but 'do contribute and make up for that by putting in more efforts at house; 'never took a single penny without her knowledge;


She never takes advice. If we offer, she feels offended. So 'stopped. Sometimes in lieu of advice,

'analyze a few things in front of her and let it go. But she feels 'am pointing things that are wrong.

I appreciate her and say thank you every day; but when it comes to that emotional outburst (which comes in every 15 to 20 days), she thinks she is under appreciated. She brings up 10 years back past,

and beats me up in the arguments. When we cool down, she agrees not to bring past. [bTW, past something about her mixing with my family; she thinks 'am a weakling when it comes to my parents and myside family; confuses my interaction as submission to myside family; realizing this, myside family stayed away on the sidelines from her and me].

I am not a cheater, drinker, smoker but loving sincere dad and husband. We went to counseling but the counselor wasnt that effective.


Now every time, her emotional outburst comes out, she brings up divorce.


I say to her "cant couple argue without bringing up divorce in to the picture?". She cries a loud for no

reason atleast to me looking for mountains out of moles. Simple things that normal people ignore are her pet-peves

to beat me up with during arguments. I tell her 'was expressing myself, noway 'am arguing. If you dont like just ignore me

was what 'tell her constantly. And now 'restrict myself to very short expressions and careful not to drag on.


Can someone help me how to steer us from this rut?


When she is back to normal from the outburst, she is the best and apologizes to me.


From my side ' promised her to get out of the startup and take a regular job. but she is impatient.

I asked for a couple of months for me to settle down, but she is eager to move out.

She right now feels very powerful to steer this. I now see the "I" factor predominant than

"We". Yes, whether 'like it or not, money is now probably a center stage besides her "moles out of

mountains" arguments. I cannot believe that, just because my (startup) pay-off is a bit long-term

she wants to move on with "wealthier" folks. Reminds me of Sienfeld's, where "Elene" was dumped as

soon as "the guy becomes doctor". Ofcourse, 'realize we are in capitalistic world (not fooling myself).

I helped her during her darkest "career dev" days; now this is what I get paid back with.


However, 'am also equally qualified, but great potential (techie), just that economy is not helping us too.

Dont want to blame external factors,

but my goals:


1. What is the best way to convince her that 'still got what it takes to make her happy (yes, buy diamonds

and go on trips), but just need to be patient for a few months to get things back on track


2. Avoid arguments during her emotional outburts (she drags me into it when 'constantly look for timeouts)


3. Finally, not to precipitate her threat to move out soon.


Is there any good advice for me on this forum to work this out on my own? I am running out of

time and options. I stay tuned with lot of GRATITUDE for any good advice on this forum. Thanks.


Someday 'will be (hopefully) giving back to community. Thanks again.

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Well, the sad thing is that lots of start ups DON'T pay off... 3 out of 4 small businesses fail, so if you are bringining in no money at all this can put a serious strain on a marriage because you are chasing your dreams (which may or may not pay off) while she foots the bills.


If she is threatening to move out, then most likely she is seriously fed up for whatever reason, and you need to take that threat seriously. and frankly you can't pursue your startup dream if she is paying all the bills and she chooses to no longer be married to you. So you'd have to get a job regardless.


So its might not be that she wants to move on to wealthier folks, it might be that she resents bearing the financial burden while you pour hours in a business that may or may not be successful. Some people are comfortable with financial risk, some are not. Perhaps she feels you should be saving money for your children's education rather than chasing a startup with no income that may or may not succeed.


So i suggest that you perhaps try to compromise. Take a job at a smaller company where you are paid that might have also have potential to make you are part of their IPO if they are successful and do go public in future. I am a bit confused how you expect to 'buy her diamonds' in a few months if you are making no money now. Perhaps you need to be realistic about finances. Perhaps she just thinks you are chasing diamonds in the sky rather than being productive.


And if you are truly that close to scoring big, then you could get a job and continue working nights and weekends to finish up and get that big score (if it is indeed really going to happen).

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Thank you again from my bottom of heart for clearing things a bit.


>So its might not be that she wants to move on to wealthier folks, it might be that

>she resents bearing the financial burden while you pour hours in a business that

>may or may not be successful.


Its quite assuring to know this that there is a door open to work on with her.

We just had interest from a few big companies to

license our patented technology. Yep, its going to take some time that 'dont have.


BTW, to show my gratitude, I put her name as co-author

for that ptnt (she is no way related or knowledgeable on the topic) .

A little of background, here helps: We were in reverse positions when she was working towards her

career goals ('was working and she was training). Mine took so far took a little more time so far, agreed.


Anyways, thanks for answering and clearing up my thoughts as far as short term goals

But as you pointed, aligned with my short goals, 'am swiftly moving towards taking up work else where.


Further, I would appreciate again, if any feedback on other aspect (cyclic emotional outburst and digging up

past and playing victim by her). I am not looking ways to change, but how can ' shield myself from getting

involved in arguments. [typically 'apologize and ask her to move on, but it doesnt happen, and during that outburst

'have a nasty habit of explaining and reasoning, when other party is no way listening].


Have a Great day!

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I still believe that in today's society, the husband is more forgiving of the wife if let's say, she doesn't work for the next 5 years due to child rearing, pursing dreams (as in your case), education, etc. Yet if this happens to the husband, the wife doesn't take it as lightly and is significantly less patient.


As far as your goals regarding this project of yours....Some of the most successful people were told no, no, no repeatedly. Just the other day I was reading about an author who got published on the 46th try (or something like that). That's many years down the road but hey, she's rich now. So, if her husband divorced her during her tough times, I'm sure as hell he wants her back now.

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Thanks again for all the replies. I am now learning (actually soul-searching) a lot.


I thought marriage is all about supporting each other ('know 'am wrong); but somehow it is

intertwined with $s, egos, gratification, and "yeah 'always have a choice to make" (to get out of , if 'dont like; plenty of D lawyers

are waiting for a ph call and guide you through legal mumbo-jumbo). We dont do that towards our kids (unconditional).


We went to counseling together; that counselor gave some theoretical exercises; didnt go well; then all

she was doing is listening to us. If 'suggest my spouse to get help on her "emotional outbursts", she tells me 'need to

check my state of mind so 'leave that to mr god (if there is one).


In all she has probably "outgrown" me; but dont want to lose her and my kid; dodging one bullet a day; hope things come back to

normal one day.


Its strange, we got so many words from media, which we are getting used to: "like you", love you", "in love with you", "I tried" "its not you"


Anyways, thanks to all for all the support; will keep posted.

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I am finding some of our abbreviations/phrasing a little confusing. Can you plese spell things out more?


I can't get a clear handle on why she is leaving .... if she has told you specifically and directly what her concerns are.


Additionally, I am not clear on who does the primary childrearing and household chores? How much money do you bring in? How much is she working? What are some examples of emotional outbursts you say she has?

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It sounds like you need a referee to settle some of this.


Counseling is probably your best bet so they can teach you both how to resolve conflicts. From what I can tell you both are terrible at it. You want to walk on eggshells until she is normal again and she wants to burn the house down because there are ants in the kitchen.


Start looking for a couples counselor. Maybe your church or through work might help.



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  • 4 weeks later...

In my marriage I was the one with the "outbursts." In hindsight, I did not know what I was doing to the marriage by doing them. I would bottle things in and when an argument would arise, I would let it all out. I would let everyting I was harboring out! Even things that were not occurring at the moment, which caused the argument, but things from months or years past. There was a lot of strife in our marriage. In all honesty, I did not know how to communicate.

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