Just another question about guilt, hurt and fading over time

[playstheblues]

I suffer from a lot of guilt about my relationship ending. My ex gave me a list of my faults i.e. not letting myself get caught up in the moment enough and listed the times i had not been in the moment etc etc. I really do beat myself up about these and understand that I do have my faults and that there are things that I could try to change about myself. I don't however have a list of his faults, of course I could probably make one, but I don't want to.

 

We both did things that weren't ideal like letting the relationship get into a rut- but his faults don't seem to be at the forefront of my mind and I don't know whether this is because he broke up with me and I have him on a pedestal or I'm just more willing to realise that all humans have faults.I would have been willing to work through these issues with him, but he didn't want that.

 

It's interesting to see the conflicting theories on here and so I'd like to ask:

 

do you think that after time, you start to forget about the bad things, and remember the good things or you start to concentrate on the bad things more and think- thanks heavens I'm not in that relationship anymore?

 

There seems to be conflicting views- but i would have thought out of 9 years, we also had lots of good times in our relationship but in the beginning of the breakup, he couldn't see or remember that. I'm not sure if he can now because we are in NC but just wonder whether time really does heal wounds I.e. make people remember situations fondly or cement the bad thoughts about the relationship?

[playstheblues]

Anyone have any thoughts?

[learning2relax]

The short answer is yes. Once you get far enough past the hurt and pain, once you put the relationship behind you, you will remember the fond memories and the bad ones fade away. Right now they are somewhat fresh and you are focused on them to keep them fresh and alive. That is why you have to focus on the positives in your life to help you move forward.

 

Another thing to consider is when someone is attempting to justify their reasons for ending a relationship, it is much easier to point out someone else's faults than to own up to your own. The faults they may point out may be real, they may be perceived, they may be excuses but they are definitely convenient. These two shall pass for this person and they will eventually get to a place where only the fond memories are remembered. Unless of course, it ended due to something hurtful like cheating but even then, while they don't forget the hurt, the move past it and the fond memories are also present.

 

While there are always things that we learn from our experiences and the experiences of our relationships with others, and there is opportunities to grow from them, recognize that beating yourself up is not productive. If there are things that he pointed out that you are in agreement with that you regret, learn from them and work to do better moving forward. Take whatever positives you can from this relationship and grow from them to project yourself into a better and happier future. Focus on the present and enjoy what you have going on in your life right now. Identify what you can be grateful for. Build on that. Looking back and beating yourself up over the past is only keeping yourself stuck and allowing insecurities to creep in and take hold. Insecurities will lead to fear which will make it more challenging to move forward and to try again.

 

Chin up!