If they checked out, can they check back in?

[gardnergirl2]

Honestly, this question is more out of curiocity, as I harbor no illusions of getting back together with my ex. People talk about how the dumper checked out of the relationship way before it was over. So for people who want this kind of dumper back, can they check back in or does it have to be a "new" relationships? Also,how do rebounds play into the mix. Although this is my situation, I don't see any hope for us. I just got to thinking about this as I read people say "he or she checked out."

[playstheblues]

Great question- I'm not sure of the answer but look forward to reading.

 

I'm a bit different in that I think there are many external factors- how people feel about the rest of their lives I.e. jobs, family, lifestyle etc is bound to have an impact about how they feel about their relationship. For example, if they hate their job, have extended family issues, aren't sure of their future how could they or you expect them to feel positive about the relationship? Maybe their general Despondency with life impacts on their view about the relationship causing them to check out?

 

Maybe in that case, once the rest of the issue have been sorted, it's possible to check back in or realise that the relationship wasnt the cause of the unhappiness.

[Ilona Crow]

I definitely think that it's possible for someone who has "checked out" to check back in. I watched this happen about a million years ago when I was in high school between my mother and her husband. My step-dad had recently changed jobs, and we all had to move, and he had moved ahead of us, and when we got there, it was pretty obvious (to me, at least) that he was thinking pretty seriously about divorce. He basically didn't spend any time with my mother, was pissed off all the time, and made a few snide remarks about how she "might have to move again pretty soon". I don't know what changed, but I went off to college pretty shortly thereafter, and when I came back from break the difference was night and day. They were constantly together and smiling, and it was like that whole business before had never happened.

[dumPI]

You may want to have a look at this thread:

[einsteins_girl]

Maybe their general Despondency with life impacts on their view about the relationship causing them to check out?

 

I think, in some circumstances, this is very true... and in these cases, I could also see how the dumper might "check back in."

[theface71]

Great question- I'm not sure of the answer but look forward to reading.

 

I'm a bit different in that I think there are many external factors- how people feel about the rest of their lives I.e. jobs, family, lifestyle etc is bound to have an impact about how they feel about their relationship. For example, if they hate their job, have extended family issues, aren't sure of their future how could they or you expect them to feel positive about the relationship? Maybe their general Despondency with life impacts on their view about the relationship causing them to check out?

 

Maybe in that case, once the rest of the issue have been sorted, it's possible to check back in or realise that the relationship wasnt the cause of the unhappiness.

 

Hmmm sounds a bit like what my ex is going through. She often said she was unsure of her future and her family life has always been unstable...even after she moved out. This gives me some perspective that I should not feel like I was the main thing making her unhappy...Glad I came accross this post...

[oldspinster]

My ex and I seem to be checking out/in at different times. A few weeks ago he was trying to check back in, but I was still checked out due to the pain. Now I am checked back in, and he has checked back out.

[SuperSyn]

I had checked out due to the stresses of work, life and handling a touchy situation regarding children she shares with her ex-husband. I've recently checked back-in and am working towards how to effectively communicate with her and not blame her for the center of all of my stress. She had checked out due to all of the pain the last year, but slowly she's coming around. It took something huge happening for me to really see what the issue was and I've since been trying hard to make the right changes.

[fromnywithlove]

I definitely think that in life, relationships ebb and flow. I do believe that if two people once loved each other (truly) there will always be some sort of love deep down in there that can reignite. BUT if in the case of something really bad happening in in a relationship like cheating or something equally as damaging, there usually might not be a chance. But just "checking out" can mean in the future someone can "check back in." It all depends.

[CindyTime]

I definitely think that in life, relationships ebb and flow. I do believe that if two people once loved each other (truly) there will always be some sort of love deep down in there that can reignite. BUT if in the case of something really bad happening in in a relationship like cheating or something equally as damaging, there usually might not be a chance. But just "checking out" can mean in the future someone can "check back in." It all depends.

 

I agree. I was the dumper in our R (although it could have been him just as easily). I had checked out months before I initiated the BU. It took me about 4 months to come out of the fog and start thinking again. That's when I realized that our R was fixable. So I checked back in.

 

I don't know if we will be able to reconcile since he is now in a LDR with a lady friend that started while we were apart.

 

However, it's obvious that there is a deep down love between us that has not been erased. We didn't burn bridges and we have been amicable with each other through it all. Because of that, I do believe that "checking back in" for him is also possible.

 

Now if we could time it so that we both did it at the same time? LOL -- then maybe we'd have a chance.

 

For now, life goes on.

[learning2relax]

There is no way to predict a reconciliation and timing is half of it. So in the meantime, focus on yourself and work to start enjoying life again. No matter what, it will put you in a better place overall. Regardless if he ever "checks in" or doesn't. It is all you can do and the very best you can do - for you, who is the most important right now. Not him and his state of mind. He can worry about that.

[playstheblues]

In this instances of checking out, I'm not sure whether the dumpers use reasons too? I.e. what is the reason for them checking out- were their needs not being met in some way? If this is the case, then maybe the reasons are enough for them to believe that a relationship will not work anymore... I think this is the case with my dumper. We had a good relationship, and he left without any warning, but obviously he was not happy. He had a lot of issues in his life but he also bought up issues about our relationship - the issue he raised are things that I could have worked on quite easily, but he thinks we've talked about it before and I will not change - I.e. I wont initiate sex enough among other things. I was never given the chance to change (he has his faults too!) but obviously for some reasons, he didn't want the relationship anymore. I cannot imagine why but his actions show this is true. My thoughts are that it was easier to get rid of me than to deal with his other issues, but because of the reasons, he was able to tell himself that he had done the right thing therefore preventing himself from checking back in.

 

Obviously these reasons are enough for him (really- after ten years he won't even try to work out the issues?!) to convince himself that the relationship will not work, and therefore that mindset will probably prevent him from checking back in. I think that his general despondency about life definitely impacted on his views about our relationship but he doesn't seem to realise that.

[dumPI]

After nearly 4 months NC, in a 7 months RS ... I see myself checking out. I've been reading daily ENA, other forums, relationship books and so on ... I feel tired and above all when I didn't do anything wrong so that things ended so. I can't change a thing. She left, she has to come back. So there comes a point when every memory seems to fade and I've started saying to myself: Is she/the relationship really worth all the struggle? I check out.

[learning2relax]

One thing to consider.....not sure if it applies in your case but perhaps......I had the opportunity to learn some things 2 years later in a very lengthy conversation with the ex. And he initiated the conversation about the past - albeit not to reconcile....maybe in an attempt for him to gain his own closure? Don't know - doesn't matter. But.....when he was checking out he became very very critical of me with things that in the grand scheme of things were not at all show stoppers. However, he criticized me as if they were. They were illogical comments out of no where and he seemed angry at the time of sharing them. This is while he was checking out but before he broke up. Then after the breakup, when still in contact with him, while I was attempting to understand his reasons for ending the relationship - I got more criticisms and anger. Stuff that was never ever discussed previously. Again, in the grand scheme of things - not show stoppers.

 

What I learned, 2 years later, in the conversation with him, was that I never did anything wrong and that it was not me at all. It wasn't about any of those things. It was his defense mechanism and reaction to his feelings that stemmed from his issues. He was moving towards a decision to end the relationship and these things were an attempt to set the stage or even get me to break up with him first. He didn't want to hurt me by breaking up with me. Cowardly and not a very nice way to do this. After the fact, he saw the conversations where I was seeking answers as my poking holes in his reasons and attempting to get him to reconcile. He had already gone through a lengthy period of internal angst to get to the point where he called it quits. The last thing that he wanted was for me to reverse that by disproving his theories or gaining his agreement that the things he was using as "reasons" were not big enough to end our relationship. He was also struggling within himself after the fact to stick with his decision. AND.....he himself had been working to move on from the breakup for the 2 years since.

 

I have to share though that I did have some foreshadowing that I failed to recognize but see clear as day looking back. There was an evening where we were together and having a wonderful time. At one point, he was staring at me. I asked him what was up. He said "you are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I really hope that I don't screw it up because I usually screw up the best things in my life as if I don't deserve them." At the time, I shucked it off and said not to be silly and there was no reason to think like that. What I failed to recognize is he was giving me insight into the fact that his insecurities caused him to reject happiness and good into his life. He has deep seeded issues that cause his insecurities and keep him from allowing himself things in life. It is a self fulfilling prophecy. He also told me multiple times that he didn't deserve me. Again, while at the time, I took as endearing - what it did was reveal that he had inner turmoil that was alive and well within him. I believe ultimately this is why we are not together. It was sad. However, they are his issues not mine. And if he doesn't want to face them and risk the experience of good in his life and of feeling loved, I can't make him. They are issues that have been there for a long long time if he never has yet found the strength to battle them. He is in his 50's. It is kind of sad but then again, it is his choice. He just doesn't see it that way.

[einsteins_girl]

learning2relax - Thank you for your post. It sounded exactly like my ex and what I suspect is going on with him. Sad to think someday he might be in his 50s and still stuck in the same place.

[The_Seeker]

I was the dumper in my second relationship. When he lied to me 3 times, I emotionally checked out and ended the relationship right away. I don't plan to check back inn because the way I felt hurt and I know for the fact I did not want to be treated like that.

[learning2relax]

learning2relax - Thank you for your post. It sounded exactly like my ex and what I suspect is going on with him. Sad to think someday he might be in his 50s and still stuck in the same place.

 

You are welcome. Yes it is sad but it is their choice. You see the potential but the potential is just that something that you can see that they are possible of, not reality of what they are now. And that is what you have to understand and remember as you move forward with your life. People can't change us and we can't change people. We have to be motivated and choose to make changes in our own lives. We would like to believe that we can help motivate and sometimes we can. But if the person's issues are so great that while they think about being motivated they still have to choose to act on it.

[blueplanet22]

Learing2relax - your ex sounds very similar to mine in the things he said

 

"At one point, he was staring at me. I asked him what was up. He said "you are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I really hope that I don't screw it up because I usually screw up the best things in my life as if I don't deserve them." At the time, I shucked it off and said not to be silly and there was no reason to think like that. What I failed to recognize is he was giving me insight into the fact that his insecurities caused him to reject happiness and good into his life. He has deep seeded issues that cause his insecurities and keep him from allowing himself things in life. It is a self fulfilling prophecy. He also told me multiple times that he didn't deserve me. Again, while at the time, I took as endearing - what it did was reveal that he had inner turmoil that was alive and well within him. I believe ultimately this is why we are not together. It was sad. However, they are his issues not mine"

 

Even on our final conversation when he'd slept with another on the night of our BU he was saying he was damaged goods, he ruins everything good that happens to him so I know that there was nothing I really could have done differenly or been different. He had issues, deep set issues and will probably go through life never being happy and settled within himself.

 

Whereas, although a little sad at the BU, I know I am a good person and that I love well, cherish, treat well and that I also have a great set of friends and family and a rather interesting life outside of a relationship. Its just a case of getting that back on track now.

 

He said he cheats on everyone, truth is, he only is cheating himself out of being happy with someone good, open, honest, beautiful and loving. That makes his existence, sad, in my opinion.

 

His loss. He checked out. I hope he never tries to check back in, but I have a feeling he might.