miserable jerk

[bananashake]

Instead of telling me that it was over one time, he just cut off the contact. he ignored me and left me wondering * * * . for 4 weeks. i had no idea what happened for 4 weeks. And his pattern with women seems to be this: he rarely return their calls, texts when he isn't interested anymore....he lets them become frustrated so they dump him. And then he cries "poor me" when he reflects on how mean they were during the BU.

 

I used to tell him how unhappy I was over his lack of communication, lack of time together, etc. He said "I'm not responsible for your happiness or emotions. Only u are." Why did I stay? This comment came after he became a stronger man. He was down and out when we met - recently divorced and depressed. I was nothing but an emotional support to him while he went throgh everything. I was a good shoulder for him to lean on, a good ear when he needed to talk. And now that he feels better, I get the ax.

[GreenCupcake]

Getting together with a man who is in the middle of a divorce or who just got recently divorced is a big NO NO. My first ex was like that and he was emotionally unavailable. There were a few times where he stood me up and didn't answer the phone when we were supposed to hang out. He always talked about his ex wife and brought the drama into the relationship. Don't get involved with someone who has baggage like that. You now know what he really thought of you so it should be easier to move on.

[laninaperdida]

There were probably other sings indicating he didn't want to be with you and you just chose to ignore them - as most women do.

I'm not defending that he chose to break up with you by going poof, but a lot of my guy friends try to show a girl they don't want her around and she just doesn't get it.

Hence, the poof.

Don't hate him for being a coward.

No one likes telling another they don't want them.

And don't hate yourself for entering the relationship.

It means you're capable of trying.

 

Just learn to read signs a little better and keep on keeping on,

[Hollyj]

Yup! You got to key into the signs. If he is not supportive, depressed, recently divorced and whining about the ex, these are all individual reasons to not be involved. Don't ignore the red flags!

 

He was a creep for bailing the way he did, but he did you a favor b/c you probably would have stuck around for more.

 

Figure out why you got involved in the 'relationship' to begin with.

 

Excerpt from post:

 

 

"Anyway, my exboyfriend had a history of not texting or calling me back. Sometimes he did, but it was rare. Never once in our 1 year rlshp did I get a "good morning" or "goodnight" type call/text, etc. I would get frustrated because he would jump to answer his exWife's call or text....and they texted each other several times/day and it wasn't always about their son. They hated eachother when they divorced 3 years ago, but this year, they have practically become best friends and they talk about random non-kid * * * * all the time. Anytime I mentioned how frustrating it is for me, he would insinuate that I'm jealous and told me that I need to accept it. He also said it isn't his job to make me feel "emotionally secure". This was in late October. And then suddenly on Halloween....

 

Dumped me without explanation. He would hang up when I called. And just poof, vanished from my life. I never went to his house or anything, to demand an explanation, but MAN, did that suck. We had sex on Halloween morning when I went over there to have a discussion about "us" and when I left, I was feeling pretty good about our future. And then out of NOWHERE, he cut me off and I didn't hear from him until end of November..

 

He called at the end of November and said he dumped me because he thought I was going to cause problems between he and his ExW. He said he doesn't want any problems between them because it will affect his extra visitation days, etc. I said I was never going to cause problems with her and he should have talked to me about it, instead of dumping me so coldly. He also said he isn't "emotionally connected" to me. That he WANTS to be emotionally connected, but he just isn't. He said I'm very supportive, reliable, sweet, etc...but he only views me as an "object". He said he wanted to work things out with me and spend more time together and maybe he will feel a connection. I was happy because I have always wanted more time with him and he was often excluding me. So, we made plans for ME to visit him and his kids and make my special pizza for everyone that evening. I got there that evening on the time we agreed on and he coldly answered the door and said "oh, we already ate a couple hours ago. You can make it if u want though". I was upset because he didn't call to tell me the kids ate and I went out and bought all ingredients."

 

 

So many red flags here!!!!!!

[bananashake]

Getting together with a man who is in the middle of a divorce or who just got recently divorced is a big NO NO. My first ex was like that and he was emotionally unavailable. There were a few times where he stood me up and didn't answer the phone when we were supposed to hang out. He always talked about his ex wife and brought the drama into the relationship. Don't get involved with someone who has baggage like that. You now know what he really thought of you so it should be easier to move on.

 

Well, when we first began dating, he had been divorced for 16 months. And they were only married 2 years. It was the first time I ever dated a divorced dad and possibly the last.

[GreenCupcake]

Well, when we first began dating, he had been divorced for 16 months. And they were only married 2 years. It was the first time I ever dated a divorced dad and possibly the last.

 

You live and you learn! It'll take some time to get over, but this experience could be a blessing in disguise. When I was going out with my ex (he had kids also), I realized that I couldn't be in a relationship with a guy who has kids.

 

Sometimes you have to test the waters to see what your limits are.

[pippy longstocking]

banana everytime I read the title of your thread I have a little chuckle

[SnowWhite7]

Unfortunately this isn't uncommon these days. People are complete cowards now. I've been through this too. People really show their true colours once you breakup that's for sure. It is easier to just cut someone off and never talk to them again, than god forbid actually having some decency and respect for other people.

[Bluezilla]

Funny, I got dumped for doing the opposite. By communicating, appreciating and respecting. I got the boot.

[learning2relax]

Well, when we first began dating, he had been divorced for 16 months. And they were only married 2 years. It was the first time I ever dated a divorced dad and possibly the last.

 

Oh, I made this mistake. My ex had been divorced for 1.5 years before we got involved. I thought it was safe, focusing on the time that had past since the divorce - not the actions or words that showed me that he hadn't. He brought her up every day that we spent together. I hated it. Once, I consciously brought up my ex in a conversation and he turned to me and said "I would really prefer if you didn't talk about him." In my head, I thought "REALLY?????" "SERIOUSLY???" Out loud, I calmly stated, "Sorry, I didn't know it would bother you. I would also prefer if you didn't bring up yours every day that we spend together." He was taken a back. He didn't think that he ever brought her up. I looked him square in the eyes and told him that she came up in conversation every SINGLE day that we spent together (we saw each other every other weekend, LDR). He was surprised to hear this - I don't know if he even believed me.

 

My point is, he was clearly not over her. He was in denial about being over her. I should have run at the beginning when those signs were so obvious. I kept telling myself it is just a phase. Or that he has been divorced for 1.5 years so he is well past it. The bottom line, if he is protecting her, speaking of her, communicating with her regularly, etc..... - he is NOT over her. Not at all. No matter what excuses he uses to justify. He is not free and clear of that relationship to be committing and participating in a new one. Learn from this and move forward to do better and look out for the warning signs to avoid finding yourself in the same situation with someone else.

[bananashake]

Thank u soooo much .

 

At the beginning of the relationship, he acted like he hated her. But a few months later, they decided to get along in order to coparent and make their kid happy. I was happy to hear this news, in fact, I always encouraged him to be civil to her for the sake of their son. But soon after the makeup, they began calling and texting eachother all the time about their son. Several texts/day and 2-3 calls/day. Every bloody thing that arose, no matter how minute, they called or text each other about it. And then they decided they were actually really good friends. So now, they talk/text about everything, not just their son. Again, I mentioned how boundaries need to be intact, and he got mad, claiming I was jealous.

 

And then one night, bf was acting really weird. He denied anything was wrong. He got mad anytime I asked what was wrong. I gave him space after that night. A few days later, he finally called me. He said he was upset because his exW is pregnant with the "loser" she cheated on boyfriend with. Loser is the word my bf uses when talking about him. Bf was apparently upset over the news because of how it will affect their son. She is in grad school full time and works full time and barely sees their son as it is, so with a new baby, boyfriend wondered how much time she will have for their son. I accepted his reasons for being upset, but really, I think he was upset that she is pregnant. period.

 

I am starting to feel bad for my ex. his divorce was 3.5 years ago. When is he going to move on? when will he learn that having boundaries with her will help him move on? And coparenting does not mean constant communication? Or, maybe it's all in my head and he really doesn't have feelings for her like that? And his next gf will be more understanding than me and he will be the happy one, while I"m still alone.

[learning2relax]

Good point, glad you brought it up. So here is the thing - if he is angry with her, or acts like he hates her that is still emotions that he is expressing about her. If he still has these types of emotions, than he is still connected to her emotionally. Just because he acts angry or doesn't speak kindly of her is irrelevant. He is still spending his emotional energy on her. Thus, he is not over her and what he perceives she has "done to him." It is really hard to read this that way when you are attracted, ready for a relationship and interested in the person. We tend to read it as they are over them - when in actuality they are far from it. Any energy that is spent in expressing emotions about someone from their past is a red flag. I learned this lesson too!