Insecurity and Trust Issues with Fiance`

[Markonic]

Hi All,

 

For the last two weeks my mind and heart have been an emotional hurricane that I've been having a lot of problems sorting through and thinking rationally about. Here's pretty much the situation:

 

I have been in a relationship with my fiancé` for pushing three years now. In late November I proposed to her and not for a moment did I doubt she would say yes. Our time together has been more memorable than any other aspect of my life. We've had our ups and downs like every other couple, but never anything as severe as infidelity or anything of that nature. The love she has given me since we met was actually overwhelming for a while. Constant phone calls, texts, time together, and spending 4-6 nights a week at her house. All of her relationships in the past have ended up with the guy cheating on her. Her past is one of severe heartache. A billion times over she has told me that this is the best relationship she has ever been in because she has absolute faith and trust in me. One of the first things she learned about me is that I have a very attractive female friend who has been my rock for the past 6-7 years. I didn’t want any incorrect thoughts or problems to arise so I wanted to make sure she understood our relationship. Never has it been sexual nor have we wanted it to be. My fiancé has supported this close friendship since the beginning and never given me crap about it.

 

Since the proposal she asked me to move in with her and things only got better. Now we’re together 7 days a week and we’ve been planning the wedding since it’s this summer. She’s been dreaming of this wedding for a long time. In fact she started making a ‘wedding list’ like almost two years in. It was cute. Anyway, here’s my dilemma. For about the last two weeks I have been having unheard of insecurity and trust issues. I ‘think’ it started roughly around when her sister had a new baby. She wanted to spend the time WE normally do together, over at her Sister’s….which includes also spending the night one or two times a week. I wasn’t used to this of course since we’re always together, and of course was somewhat weary because her ex is a friend of her sister’s husband, so even though they despise each other there was always that thought in the back of my mind. She can’t even stand the thought of him b/c of his cheating, lying, and anger problems. But I digress.

 

I guess the next step was her work schedule. Instead of coming home at like 2:40pm she would get home at maybe 3:00pm. Now this in itself isn’t completely weird either, since she is the Manager of her business and has responsibilities that supersede leaving exactly on time (money, draws, shifts, etc). But still there was this voice in my head that asked, “How do you know that’s what she was doing?”

 

I suppose the next incident is what really got me. She has been telling me about this new person at work who seems like a nice guy. His name is Edward. He’s 5 years younger than her and apparently is shy so her and her friend decided to try and be friends with him as he also doesn’t have many friends. Now she told me about him roughly a week and a half ago, but hasn’t gone crazy about talking about him. She spent a night texting him with me right beside her, but she told me everything they were saying and even let me read them when she didn’t have to. Not long after I had this urge to go up and see her at work during a closing (at night) to kinda see when she got out, what she did, and when she decided to head home. I did legitimately want to see her since it was a night that we may not see each other (sister night), but I let some paranoia slip in there too. Well after the crew split their separate ways I noticed that Edward followed my fiancé` into her car. I had a pair of binoculars with me and watched from my car. I then got out and walked up behind a pillar near her car to watch closer in person. All I saw was them smoking some cigarettes for about 10 minutes. I never witnessed anything inappropriate. It was cold so the windows were slightly frozen over, but even then I didn’t see her leave her side of the car or their shadows close to one another.

 

She pulled the car out of the parking spot and began to head in the opposite direction she normally goes in to head home. I was able to walk in front of the car and catch her attention to make her stop. She immediately opened the door and said, “Hi baby! What are you doing here?!” in a happy/glad to see me voice. When I told her I was there to surprise her she noticed the look on my face when seeing another male in the car with her. At this point I neutrally asked, “What’s going on?”. She said, “Oh! This is just Edward…..he lives very close by and doesn’t own a car. He walks to work and it’s really cold out so I wanted to give him a ride.” From there we just agreed to meet at her sister’s house after dropping him off. Obviously at this point I can’t even think straight with so many thoughts going through my head (and heart). Within minutes of leaving she calls me after he gets dropped off and we talk normal for a moment. Then she can tell in my voice that I’m upset (not mad per say, but just upset in many ways) and says, “What’s wrong, you sound pi**ed.” I tell her why I am acting this way and she insists that she was merely doing something nice for him since it was cold out, he has no car, and lives nearby.

 

When we meet up at her sister’s we have a LONG talk about why I reacted that way and the interpretation of it all. She tells me that she loves what we have between us more than anything else, and would never put that at risk with something so stupid. We hold hands the whole time and she helps calm my nerves some. We spend the next hour or two kind of bonding and have a very long talk the next night very similar to the one in the car where we exchange our thoughts and love for one another. Her and Edward have two other text message conversations over the next five days, but nothing inappropriate and she even lets me read them.

 

The last ‘situation’ occurred last night when she told me that she wanted to have a girl’s night out with her friend Debra and wanted to also bring Edward along so they can show him a friendly time out since he really doesn’t have friends. Afterwards they were going to spend the night at Debra’s and Edward was too, just in another room with theirs being locked. She asked if it would be ok if it were just them three hanging out for the night. I let her know this made me uncomfortable somewhat so we laid down and talked it out, she emphasized that it had absolutely nothing to do with me or anyone else. It was merely a night to get away from her normal life and have some different fun. She even cried and said that it sucks that people judge her negatively for something like this, making it look as if she wants to cheat on me or do something stupid and ruin what we have. It would also be nice to have a real ‘guy’ friend to bounce ideas/thoughts off of. This helped somewhat in understanding her mindset and even though I wasn’t fully comfortable with it, it was enough to help calm the storm a little. We spent the day together doing different things and then once night came she went to Debra’s and started having fun. The entire time at the bar she continuously texted me and sent pictures. She asked for pictures back saying she missed me, and every other text from one of us had “miss you”, “love you”, or both in it. Her last message was shortly after getting back to Debra’s last night to let me know they were safely back. In addition, apparently Edward wasn’t possibly gonna be there because of some misunderstanding, but I wasn’t able to confirm as she wouldn’t answer her texts/phone at 2am.

 

So here I am right now waiting to hear back from her as to how everything went, including whether Edward was there. When it comes down to it I guess that I am just deathly scared of this insecurity and trust issue. We have an extremely honest/trustworthy relationship and she has told me a lot that she probably didn’t need to. Why would something that fills me with so much anxiety and fear surface after this long and not earlier? She has done almost nothing to deserve this, and my biggest fear is that my problems will eventually drive her away. It’s just stupid that I take something and twist it to a negative thought or line of thinking. Even right now there’s this thought of, “Well why did she all of a sudden stop texting me after getting back to Debra’s, where Edward could have been……?!” That type of thinking is just eating away at me, to where it’s making me physically ill and causing sleep problems.

 

I don’t want to lose her, I love her so much. I just don’t know if there have been others that can do something to put my mind, heart, and soul at ease.

[Di_ya2009]

It does not seem like you have anything to worry about, I mean she shows you the texts and everything. After all you have a close female friend and she has been cool about it... it's unfair to expect her to not have a male friend. She may be just trying to help him, but if you feel like she is going over the top to help him, then it is okay for you to express your feelings.

 

She was texting you while she was out...I think she was trying to reassure you that nothign is going on.

 

Well, you know her best. It sounds like you guys have a very solid relationship though.

[BrianH46]

I don't know why but how your fiance is acting irks me just from reading what you wrote.

[DN]

I think what she is doing with Edward is highly suspicious and that you need to be very wary. Despite knowing you are uneasy she still wants to go out on a 'girl's night out' but Edward is tagging along? If he can tag along - why can't you?

[Di_ya2009]

uh oh I think I may be naive in this case then...but I hope things are okay for you.

[jumper11]

I think he's just a friend... If you can have a good female friend, maybe she wants a male friend. 90% of my friends are men and I am a female. Needless to say when I was with my ex I had to drop all my friends due to their gender. I view my male friends like they could be females. If she was up to something she wouldn't have sent pics and always texting.

 

This is all my opinion of course. But I've had many male friends and I always had to keep them separate from ex because it disgusted him and made him so uneasy that it was too uncomfortable to have both in one room.

 

I just don't think we should jump to conclusions. She knows he has a good female friend. I hate the gender argument, Im a female gamer and even though I look like the other type of girls I just can't get a long with them.. so my friends are males. But because everyone thinks the woman must be cheating if this is the case I lose all my friends?

 

I don't sense anything too bad to worry, she would have been more startled probably when he found her and him in the car if she was up to good.

[DN]

Sudden and consistent lateness back from work since this guy started work there, private little meetings in a car, taking him along on a 'girl's night out' despite knowing your concerns, constant texting back and forth. Not cool at all. You don't so this with someone new when you are in a relationship. Existing friendships are not the same thing but even then there are boundaries to behaviour.