Tried to break up with boyfriend.. won't give stuff back/don't think it's over

[Jenuine]

After thinking about things, I decided to break up with my boyfriend.

I decided a relationship isn't right for me ATM because I need to just focus on myself and get things under control.. So I broke up... and things did not go the way I expected. I calmy asked for my things, I left an expensive ring family heirloom at his place cooking tools and my fav jeans. My ex (bf!!?!) was being mean. He didn't get why I was doing this. He told me "ok come in 2 hours."

 

6 hours went by.. I kept asking what was going on.. I said I just need my things back. I knew he would play this game. See my bf has a habit of not liking rejection. If he perceives me rejecting him in anyway he will almost convince me that it's not true or happening. Which is what he did because 6 hours later he calls me, totally different than before all happy and excited as if there isn't an issue. He says "Hey! What's up? How are you?" I ask "What? Look where are you? I have things to do." he said "What? Hold on one sec. Ok hey babe. I'm at work." I was angry!!!! I thought * * * is going on... I replied "...What? Why? You told me.." he said "Babe. Come on. We are not breaking up. You're not. We are fine nothing is wrong. And why are you asking for things back? I know married couples that don't ask for their things back I know proper that live together that don't do that." I said "Well we are not married or living together.. why are you doing this?" he said "doing what? Why are you breaking up? We are fine. I love you. What did you find someone else? You told me you'd be patient. We are fine. No worries baby. Okay? Come over tomorrow well find your ring. How are you?" I didn't say anything for awhile because I thought he would just comply.. I said "Why are you doing this?" he said "I'm not doing anything. There's no reason for us to break up. I love you. We can work on anything." I said "so why were you being mean before?" he said "I was just mad. sorry. Baby why are you doing this? Come on. We are fine. I gotta get back to work. I'll call you in a bit. We can do something tomorrow." click.

 

8 hour he is messaging me like we are ok. I love him but I made the decision I needed to work on me... but apparently that was not happening. He has a habit of doing this. He did it on purpose.. the delaying..

 

What should I do?

[Jenuine]

He pulls things like this. This time I expected him to comply. because I was nice about my request.

When I kindly asked for my things back he wouldn't listen he didn't understand why or what I was doing. He was really angry etc. And said I could come get my things when he wakes up.. 6 hours later (as soon as 4 hours passed by I knew he was going to do this crap. sorry for bad language) I was also at my therapist office while I was trying to contact him. I predicted he would do this. She told me he is acting like this because he cares, is hurt and doesn't want things to end.

 

But I was nice about it. As soon as he called me sounding cheerful and happy I knew he would deny it. I really don't get why he is doing this.

[DylanNotorious]

Sorry but I don't get why your breaking up with him either.

[Jenuine]

I just said why: I need to focus on myself and get a few personal things under control + other reasons. It is not good for me or him to be involved if I have things I need to sort out on my own. I can't have a relationship on my back while wanting to sort things out in other areas of my life. That's my reason. And it's a mature logical reason. Yes I do love him, yes I do want us to work out in some way, but I cannot be in a relationship.

 

What the problem here is, he has a habit of not accepting any form of rejection from me.

He will pretend like it didn't happen. I politely asked for things back. he wasn't

being cooperative with me. Purposely delayed things, and suddenly goes to work,

kwnoimg what the deal is. And still acting like nothing is going on.

 

 

He's done something like this before.

Never to this extent. I had feelings that he was the type

to not accept a breakup and my predictions came true.

 

I told him I don't want an issue. and If he didn't want to see me, he can call my friend to pick it up.

Apparently that's not how it will go. So are you not aloud to breakup with someone?

This is what I meant before when I say he has controlling tendencies.

[Generation]

WOW! You know what, I've been in his shoes. At a time when my life was in a downward spiral (one of my darkest moments) when my grandma was on the brink of death because she was very violently robbed, and I was about to get kicked out of my house and I barely had enough money, I didn't even care about university anymore and all I could think was hospital bills and possibly funeral costs, not to mention all of the other problems that were piling on and I was in a desperate situation, my gf also decided it was the perfect time to break up with me.

 

I know about your past thread and what he's going through right now. I've also read your other past threads and I think I know what you're like from reading them, and in my honest opinion, you're probably gonna regret this decision you're making so I'm gonna try and spare you from making what I truly believe is a mistake. All I'm gonna say is this, break up with him now, don't expect to see him ever again. He's at his lowest right now, and even though he asked for space cause he legitimately needs it, you've just turned ski slope into Everest. He already asked for space, so technically you're not really even in a relationship ATM (or you are, but you can relax) so I can't understand why you're irrationally choosing to break up with him at this moment rather than just wait it out.

 

You know what it's like? I dunno if you play poker, but it's like this. When no one bets and you decide to fold your cards rather than check and wait out til the end. It's not strategic.

 

 

I'm gonna be straight up with you what my opinion is and you're not gonna like this, but from everything I've heard, I think he's the catch in the relationship. I think he can do way better than you. I think you leaving him now will be a blessing in disguise for him.

[DylanNotorious]

Yeah of course your allowed to break up with someone. But you tried the polite route and it didn't work. So now you have to be forceful. Don't allow him to dictate how things will go regarding picking up your stuff - you just tell him how it's going to work. If your scared of him take other people with you to the house to get your stuff. There is a time to be polite, but then there is a time to be matter of fact.

[Jenuine]

He is controlling. He will spin something so that it goes his way.

I used to accept it because I did not want confrontation.

 

He tells me I can come over so we can talk about this and that there's no reason to break up because we love each other. He won't respect that I had to make this decision. Right now it's for the best. To be honest I'm scared, fearful that he is behaving like this. He has done this before, it scared me then and it's scaring me now.

[Jenuine]

Dylan, Yeah. I was trying to be matter of fact. I purposely prepared myself to shut myself off from emotion because he would get emotional and I would feel bad etc. Which is something I do not want. It made me really nervous his behavior... I knew for a fact that right when he did the "Ok I'll let you know in 2 hours" thing was the moment he would pull this. I could have gone crazy on him but I thought if I did that it wouldn't help so I played nice.

[DylanNotorious]

Well he can't bully you into staying with him, so don't allow it. And it's quite sad that he would make you feel scared of him. But you do need to stand up and voice your opinion on why it's over and stick to your guns. Nobody can make another person be with them, no matter how hard they try. If he gets threatening and goes into stupid behaviour, then you need to tell him you mean business (aka calling the cops) and try and keep yourself surrounded by people as much as you can. He will eventually get over it.

[Jenuine]

Well in his eyes we are not broken up.

I would take your advice seriously if it wasnt biased. Completely. It just sounds like you're projecting your own experience and injecting it into this situation which is not the same.

[Jenuine]

Do cops get involved with this thing? I asked my therapist because we were discussing probable outcomes about this and she mentioned if all fails get cops involved but she doesn't think they would.. What would it be? Theft?

 

This is what I don't want. No tension.

[Jenuine]

Generation. There is nothing irrational about my decision. Maybe your girlfriend made that "irrational"'decision but I'm not her. I have this thought in my head for a long time. A long time. I just chose to ignore it. "Waiting it out". Do you think I wanted to do this? Nope. But we must do things we don't always like or want to do.

I've thought about it. Denied it and avoided it. If you were in a relationship with someone and they had a lot of things going on and they needed to work them on on a personal level don't you think it's selfish of you to insist that they stay even though it's probably not for the best. I empathize with you. I have healing to do.

Maybe some people can heal their wounds while being in a relationship

but I decided it's not right. Nothing irrational bout it.

 

Sorry your girl did that to you though.

[Generation]

I'm not being biased. A lot of this is based on your past threads and I invite everyone to read them. Though I'm able to relate on some level with him, that has nothing to do with what my opinions of you are, or what you should do. You're hearing me speak the truth here, and my response has an undertone of warning you to think twice, and really think hard about it, cause there's no turning back. If I were biased, I wouldn't have said breaking up with him will be a blessing in disguise for him. I'm looking out for your self interest here.

[Jenuine]

My self interest, would it be best would I help me heal wounds that need to be healed alone if I were to stay with a controlling man? Yes those posts don't reflect the entire situation.

He's a control freak. I've kept quite about it. He doesn't think there's a problem with it. I've confronted him too. About his controlling behavior. He always has to call the shots. I envision my life if I agree to Marry him. There will be no out and he has made that perfectly clear with me too. What does that tell you?

I want to be there for him during his hard time. and I would love nothing more than to help him with that, but he wont change.

 

In his eyes, if we are together that's how it will stay. I thank you for your advice.. I do love him.. he's not perfect neither am I but yeah.

[Jenuine]

Can you change someone that is controlling? He dictates how I should dress for the seasons!

I wore flats, and a down-filled coat so I was already warm as hell. Apparently that was wrong so he went on a 7 minute lecture on why it was not right and how I should dress according to seasons. He's a control freak.

Will even ask me what I am doing in the washroom. I'm using it. What else? Reads my phone, always needs to know where I am, with who, if I am with males he will not leave me alone.

 

Still think I should just wait it out?

[Generation]

Do what you want. I said what I needed to and I won't bother trying to convince you cause it's your life.

 

Btw just gonna say, flats and a down filled coat?! Not only is that a faux pas, but plenty of mothers would give their daughter the same lecture, cause they care. That's not my definition of a control freak.

 

Once again, do whatever you want. At the end of the day, you'll know what's best for you.

[Jenuine]

How is that a faux pas? Do you know how warm down filled jackets are?

And it was a one time thing. No. I don't know any mother that would get on their daughters case about this. I was coveted entirely except my feet in -1 weather which isn't really THAT cold. It is controlling when you tell someone how to dress, unwarranted.

[Generation]

I have a down filled CG jacket, goes down to my thighs, and on some days where I gotta wear dress shoes and thin dress socks, my feet are still cold. Different weather I guess. Whatever though.

[rogersj1]

Are u sure generation isnt your ur ex that you are trying to break up with lol?

 

Dude, generation. Why are you projecting your negative break up experience on thos girl? Saying that she will regret it. She feels what she is doing is right. And she wont regret it, because this ex sounds like a maniac. He wont even accept the break up, and is stubborn. His actions scream desperate and for lack of a better word controlling.

 

Jenuine, you need to run as fast as you can. I was the same as your ex, controlling and always telling her how she should ad shouldnt be. Until she broke up with me and i learned my lesson. Now i realize that i cant be like that, and i learned the hard way. Evrything u said ur ex does, i did. Until u break up with him, he will always be controlling, and it will only get worse. Speaking from experience as a control freak. So run, and teach him a lesson. Relationships NEVER work when one is a control freak over the other.

[Generation]

Are u sure generation isnt your ur ex that you are trying to break up with lol?

 

LOL you should be a comedian.

 

Not.

 

If I were her ex/bf, I'd be breaking up with her a long time ago, and that's the cold hard truth, cause like I said if you read my posts clearly, it'd be a blessing in disguise for him. Also, like I said, I'm gonna speak my mind based on what my opinion is of her from her past threads. Also, like I said, I invite everyone to read them. Once again, like I said again and now I sound like a broken record, at the end of the day, she'll know what's best for her.

 

Tell her what you want but leave me out of your post. Your advice will suffice if it's good enough and I seriously mean that too. Just cause I'm speaking from the other side here doesn't mean I'll silence myself for political correctness, or censor what I wanna say if I've got an opinion that may or may not benefit the person reading. The more insights she gets, the more she can reason out, and at the same time, she will know what's best for her, despite what I'm saying. So why don't you get that?

[Sim54]

You know, this relationship that you are both in, actually INCLUDES him as well. In stead of just dumping him, like an object, why don't you actually TALK to him, face bo face about it, and include him in the process that ultimately will have a huge impact on his life. You're not the only person in the RS, and he has a right to be involved. Dumping him like a teenager is cruel.

 

So, go and talk to him, and tell him what is going on.

 

Be an adult about it.

[penelope13]

Based on your other threads, I think it's actually a courageous decision to end the relationship and try to focus on yourself.

 

He can stand on his head all he wants - but if you want out, he can't force you to remain in a relationship with him. About the ring: ask a friend to come with you and go over there, ring the bell and ask for it.

[Iakasot]

His dad is ill, and he's working long hours at a stressful job, and is doing med school. Now in addition to that he's gonna lose his gf, because when he wanted space and said he needed a friend who won't pressure him, she called him controlling. I can understand why he's in denial about it being over. Let me guess, when you went through his phone and kept asking him if he cheated, and tried to keep talking to him when he said he wanted to be left alone, that wasn't you being controlling?