On a break to consider marriage

[anonymous0912]

Sorry for the length on this one guys (and sorry if some of it is too mushy)

 

So my girlfriend and I just decided to go on a break after dating for a year and a half. Our relationship started by just messing around and having fun, with neither of us really thinking too much of it. After a couple months I realized that we were actually really great together and at around the three month mark, we told each other we loved one another. Things were great and we clicked together really well.

 

After a little longer we started talking about marriage. She is 28 and I am 24, and for her, getting married soon is really important. I didn't feel totally ready (as the relationship was still new) and so she said she would give me more time. Starting about 6 months ago though, she started pressing harder and saying that we needed to make a decision. Every time this happened I would get mad and push back, because I hate being under pressure. She would back off for a couple months and then it would happen again. During the interim of these fights I would think about how I was feeling and the idea of spending my life with her began to feel really good and I began to feel more confident. Each time she would start pushing, I would back off again. We also both got jobs in California and are moving there from New York.

 

Finally, a month ago, I said I was ready to go. We got a ring, and then I had a major freak out and said that something was wrong. I've spent the last month sleepless and over analyzing all of my feelings. Talking to her about it has put a major strain on us and has been really hurtful. She is worried that I don't really want to be with her and that we can't fix this in the immediate future. Finally we decided to take a break so I can get some things figured out.

 

Here are the things that I see as good in our relationship/good about her

 

-She is beautiful, brilliant, funny, and full of energy

-She makes me feel really good about myself (tells me I'm handsome, that I am smart, that she is proud of me when I do something well)

-We have identical aesthetic tastes and love the same kinds of furnishing/decorations/homes/art etc.

-We love to bake and cook together

-We love to watch movies and tv

-Our sexual chemistry is outstanding

-We are both caring and supportive when the other is stressed/sick

-We are physically and verbally affectionate

-We have identical life goals: financial success, where we want to live, wanting to have children, valuing family

-We have fun and laugh together

-We love going to museums and reading all the cards, eating, traveling, having pets, having a garden

-I see her as the mother of my children

-I calm her down and she motivates me (I'm Type B-ish, she is Type A)

-We work really well together as a team when it comes to solving problems, getting things done

 

Here are the things that I see as bad in our relationship

 

-We have communication issues sometimes where she is more aggressive and direct, it feels like she is trying to prove me wrong, but she just sees it as conversation (the type A thing, but we have made strides with it). Also she is more literal and I am figurative, so sometimes I have to explain something I said and it frustrates me

-Sometimes I feel really frustrated or annoyed with things she says or does

-Sometimes she micro-manages

-Sometimes I am bothered/embarrassed by little things she does (more often in public): hand-talking, an awkward laugh, being really boisterous

-Sometimes I have out of body feelings where I don't even know what I'm doing with her (usually only when I am afraid of the time sensitive marriage decision

 

Some of the things I hate are the things I also love: she has a ton of energy and it is exciting, but sometimes it feels like too much. She is aggressive and direct, which can stress me out but also gets me motivated and organized.

 

My problem is that I can't understand how many of the negative things stem from resenting the pressure she put on me, and how many come from an actual problem with her. I also don't know how many of these things are just normal relationship pitfalls that you work through. Also, I feel like some of it could just be things I need to work on inside me: being more patient, not letting little things frustrate me, being more assertive (which I know I can be).

 

Part of me feels 100% sure I want to marry her and have the life we were planning because it is what I want, and we have so many good points. The communication we can work on (and have) and the idiosyncrasies are something I should just be more patient with because I love her. I'm the kind of person who gets pissed at little things (like while driving) and I want to change this about myself anyway. Also, I feel like the pressure she was putting on me resulted in subconscious resentment of her and little things she did.

 

Part of me feels like I am just not ready and I am panicking and focusing on the negative.

 

Part of me feels like the bad things are a big deal, and if I just go for it and marry her, they will come back to haunt me.

 

Sometimes I look at that list of good stuff and think "most of this is just filler, the fun stuff you do, who cares" and sometimes I think "this is actually what your life ends up being made of, it is insanely important"

 

Sometimes I look at the list of bad stuff and I think "you shouldn't have feelings like this, it is a bad sign" and sometimes I think "you are going to be frustrated with/annoyed with/embarrassed by ANYONE, the question is whether or not you want to work through it"

 

 

Again sorry for the mile long story, feedback is much appreciated.

[abitbroken]

-We have communication issues sometimes where she is more aggressive and direct, it feels like she is trying to prove me wrong, but she just sees it as conversation (the type A thing, but we have made strides with it). Also she is more literal and I am figurative, so sometimes I have to explain something I said and it frustrates me

 

Maybe don't expect her to speak in the same manner that you do. Are you saying that you have different different communication styles, or can you just not understand eachother. Having different styles of speaking is normal. If you want to get a point accross to her, you have to be literal, then. Maybe you need to work this out or work on understanding eachother better,

 

-Sometimes I feel really frustrated or annoyed with things she says or does

 

Everyone has things that annoy them about people.

 

-Sometimes she micro-manages

 

some people do so because they feel out of control. Maybe there are some things you can let her be in charge of and be hands off.

 

-Sometimes I am bothered/embarrassed by little things she does (more often in public): hand-talking, an awkward laugh, being really boisterous

 

Well, she can't help what her laugh is like.

 

-Sometimes I have out of body feelings where I don't even know what I'm doing with her (usually only when I am afraid of the time sensitive marriage decision

 

Why?

 

I think that you need to communicate these things. "i feel that we need to work on x y and z before marriage." You are stuck with her hand gestures and laugh. Sorry. But if there are other things you need to work on, address them now.

 

I think 1 1/2 years is long enough for some people to want to marry, but for others, they need to be together longer depending on maturity and age. If you are not ready to get married, then don't do it. Don't feel pressured./

[Julimony]

"you are going to be frustrated with/annoyed with/embarrassed by ANYONE, the question is whether or not you want to work through it" this is a very good point. Nobody's perfect and you can't expect to wait and finally meet the perfect girl who loves the same things, wants the same things and doesn't annoy you in any way. That being said, you don't seem to be ready for that kind of commitement. You want her to be the mother of your children etc. This is all good. It means that even though you're not ready, at this point, you know that someday you will. Just not now. You should say that to her, that she has to be patient. If she really loves you, she has to understand that if you're not ready but still marry, you'll start to doubt, things will get worse and the marriage is not going to work. Forcing yourself into something is not a good thing. Good luck with it anyway

[pl3asehelp]

Honestly, all of your negatives don't really seem bad, in fact I think they're normal. And the things you like about her sound great. Just do it man - she sounds nice. I get the feeling you'll never feel 100% ready and will have to take a leap of faith and I'd suggest going for it with her.

[Ms Darcy]

The things that you don't like, do you talk to her about it when you feel it and try to resolve it?

[anonymous0912]

The things that you don't like, do you talk to her about it when you feel it and try to resolve it?

 

We have discussed the communication points, and the micro managing and I think it is something we have definitely made tangible progress on.

 

The stuff I said about being embarrassed we also talked about and she said she is embarrassed of stuff I do and that it is totally normal; so I've been feeling better about that.

 

What really worries me is when I get annoyed at idiosyncratic things like the hand-talking or laughing. I start to over think it and feel like I shouldn't feel that way about someone I love.

 

The times where that bothers me + times where I don't feel sure about being with her I hadn't really talked with her about. I think that I didn't want to rock the boat, or make us seem imperfect, or admit to myself that I might not be happy with the relationship.

[Batya33]

I had similar thought processes when I was the runaway bride. I did that a number of times in my life. Especially the overanalyzing and the worrying "if that habit gets to me so much can I really love him?"

 

Here are suggestions. First, the overanalyzing is counterproductive -it won't get you any answers and will make it worse so you have to get some mantras in your head to snap you back into reality and get perspective -maybe it will be something you tell yourself or maybe you will choose at that time to do some strenuous exercise with the music blasting or call a friend and talk about anything except your relationship -whatever works. I found the book Out of the Box For Life helpful on this point.

 

Believe in yourself -that when you are in a calm head place -with space from her - the answer will come to your naturally -I don't mean you'll "just know" but the root of your worries -what truly is going on -will come to you. I suggest seeking counseling -either from a therapist, a religious counselor -whatever works for you -someone impartial and unbiased who can help you get to that calm place (or maybe meditation/yoga will help). It doesn't need to be couples counseling.

 

For example, after a 7 year on again off again relationship where he wanted to marry, I desperately wanted to want to marry him but kept having crippling doubts and anxiety - the answer as to why it didn't work for me came to me about 4 months after we finally broke up and it was just an innocent comment a mutual friend made about him -nothing terrible at all -but that triggered to "aha moment" for me. I started dating my now husband a few months later (and ironically he was someone I'd panicked about many years before).

 

I agree that the negatives aren't really negative - it sounds like you two have a good thing going so it would be great if you could do the work to get to the root -and the overthinking probably feels like work but it's not productive work IMO.

[anonymous0912]

The overanalyzing is exactly where I am; in fact I'm worried that I have ruined the relationship in my head and that I won't be able to look back on the good and bad accurately.

 

The next month or so I want to try and get away from this mentally and I'm hoping I will find an answer in space.

[anonymous0912]

Also, it is hard to evaluate how happy I was/think I could be vs. how often I wasn't happy. The last month's stress on both of us puts only a lot of bad times in my mind.