anonymous0912 Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Sorry for the length on this one guys (and sorry if some of it is too mushy) So my girlfriend and I just decided to go on a break after dating for a year and a half. Our relationship started by just messing around and having fun, with neither of us really thinking too much of it. After a couple months I realized that we were actually really great together and at around the three month mark, we told each other we loved one another. Things were great and we clicked together really well. After a little longer we started talking about marriage. She is 28 and I am 24, and for her, getting married soon is really important. I didn't feel totally ready (as the relationship was still new) and so she said she would give me more time. Starting about 6 months ago though, she started pressing harder and saying that we needed to make a decision. Every time this happened I would get mad and push back, because I hate being under pressure. She would back off for a couple months and then it would happen again. During the interim of these fights I would think about how I was feeling and the idea of spending my life with her began to feel really good and I began to feel more confident. Each time she would start pushing, I would back off again. We also both got jobs in California and are moving there from New York. Finally, a month ago, I said I was ready to go. We got a ring, and then I had a major freak out and said that something was wrong. I've spent the last month sleepless and over analyzing all of my feelings. Talking to her about it has put a major strain on us and has been really hurtful. She is worried that I don't really want to be with her and that we can't fix this in the immediate future. Finally we decided to take a break so I can get some things figured out. Here are the things that I see as good in our relationship/good about her -She is beautiful, brilliant, funny, and full of energy -She makes me feel really good about myself (tells me I'm handsome, that I am smart, that she is proud of me when I do something well) -We have identical aesthetic tastes and love the same kinds of furnishing/decorations/homes/art etc. -We love to bake and cook together -We love to watch movies and tv -Our sexual chemistry is outstanding -We are both caring and supportive when the other is stressed/sick -We are physically and verbally affectionate -We have identical life goals: financial success, where we want to live, wanting to have children, valuing family -We have fun and laugh together -We love going to museums and reading all the cards, eating, traveling, having pets, having a garden -I see her as the mother of my children -I calm her down and she motivates me (I'm Type B-ish, she is Type A) -We work really well together as a team when it comes to solving problems, getting things done Here are the things that I see as bad in our relationship -We have communication issues sometimes where she is more aggressive and direct, it feels like she is trying to prove me wrong, but she just sees it as conversation (the type A thing, but we have made strides with it). Also she is more literal and I am figurative, so sometimes I have to explain something I said and it frustrates me -Sometimes I feel really frustrated or annoyed with things she says or does -Sometimes she micro-manages -Sometimes I am bothered/embarrassed by little things she does (more often in public): hand-talking, an awkward laugh, being really boisterous -Sometimes I have out of body feelings where I don't even know what I'm doing with her (usually only when I am afraid of the time sensitive marriage decision Some of the things I hate are the things I also love: she has a ton of energy and it is exciting, but sometimes it feels like too much. She is aggressive and direct, which can stress me out but also gets me motivated and organized. My problem is that I can't understand how many of the negative things stem from resenting the pressure she put on me, and how many come from an actual problem with her. I also don't know how many of these things are just normal relationship pitfalls that you work through. Also, I feel like some of it could just be things I need to work on inside me: being more patient, not letting little things frustrate me, being more assertive (which I know I can be). Part of me feels 100% sure I want to marry her and have the life we were planning because it is what I want, and we have so many good points. The communication we can work on (and have) and the idiosyncrasies are something I should just be more patient with because I love her. I'm the kind of person who gets pissed at little things (like while driving) and I want to change this about myself anyway. Also, I feel like the pressure she was putting on me resulted in subconscious resentment of her and little things she did. Part of me feels like I am just not ready and I am panicking and focusing on the negative. Part of me feels like the bad things are a big deal, and if I just go for it and marry her, they will come back to haunt me. Sometimes I look at that list of good stuff and think "most of this is just filler, the fun stuff you do, who cares" and sometimes I think "this is actually what your life ends up being made of, it is insanely important" Sometimes I look at the list of bad stuff and I think "you shouldn't have feelings like this, it is a bad sign" and sometimes I think "you are going to be frustrated with/annoyed with/embarrassed by ANYONE, the question is whether or not you want to work through it" Again sorry for the mile long story, feedback is much appreciated. Link to comment
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