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So confused and frustrated about this girl :/


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Sorry for the length, I just don't wanna leave out anything relevant. I'll just jump into it. This girl Erica who's 23 (I'm 26) contacted me on match last October. She was cute and lived close by (which is kinda rare for me in match.) Anyway we went on about four to five dates. Things went pretty well our conversations flowed, I made her laugh, but I could tell she was distant for some reason. The furthest we ever got at the time was an awkward goodnight kiss one night (I think it was the 4th date...lol) She would always be the one to call me, and text me. I learned from my last relationship the importance of being a challenge and not seeming too needy. Around that time I found out she had gotten out of a four year relationship in June. Based on what I've red here some red flags sort of went up because I figured the distance was because she wasn't over her ex.


Anyway we just sort of stopped texting. Because even though she would call and text, when I replied back she would just give very brief responses, and I felt like I was dragging information out of her. So we didn't talk for probably 2 or 3 weeks and I started talking to another girl. On our first date I get a text from Erica saying "sooo what's up?" I was like huh? So I said not much what's up with you... and she asked why I didn't call. I said well I figured you weren't interested etc. Anyway we had a couple of really really good phone conversations where we both felt like we really connected. Shortly after we slept together for the first time and started hanging out a lot more. About this time I found out from her that she had been engaged, and later that she had had an abortion with her boyfriend. But she hinted that if he had wanted to keep it at all she would have too. Then I started noticing, like when I was out with her and her friends that she would randomly mention his name at time. Nothing major but I started to suspect if she still had a thing for him. So through the next few weeks I kept my distance still... not wanting to give too much. Also at this time I started back to school and moved into my own place which is about 45 min away (20 from her job.) And she said that she had decided to move to the beach a state away, but wasn't sure.


So keeping my distance, and hanging out more and more before I left we kept getting closer and she would say things like I think I'm falling for you and you're so sweet etc. But she struggles with anxiety and said that she didn't want to be hurt etc. As things moved on she started saying so what are we? I said I'd like to be her boyfriend and I guess at that point we were together. She sent the FB request like a week later. And things were good for like 3 to 4 weeks, when all of a sudden she calls me up and says I can't do this. I don't want to hurt you I still have feelings for my ex. etc. And that she thought she was ready but she needs time.


After a brief conversation I said I understood and went NC for like a week. I texted her and she said that things had just moved to fast and she freaked out and that she was probably making a huge mistake by breaking up with me because I was the most amazing guy she's ever met blah blah... Anyway we've hung out twice since and she still touches me when she laughs and I feel the same connection as before but there is no intimacy She will randomly call me, and like super bowl sunday sent me a text xsaying I hope your sunday is going well, I miss you. I got her flowers Monday because she had her wisdom teeth removed she seemed really happy. We texted a bit then last night she told me to call her when I got off at 2 today so we could hang out (I work where I used to live so I was in the neighborhood.) I didn't call.. I just felt like she was contacting me out of pity for some reason or something. And I dunno then she called an hour and a half later on the way to her dr. appointment asking me why I didn't call and sounded pissed off which I guess I understand.


I really care about this person but now I don't know what to think. She says she really cares about me, but am I just being strung along? I feel like my head is screwing with me at this point, trying to guess what she's thinking and that maybe my pride was in the way as to why I didn't call when I got off. I sent her a text saying to call me when she got out of the doctor. I'm just confused. The reasonable side of me says to let this go despite the connection, that it's just life circumstances. Any advice would be appreciated. Sorry this is so long

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definitely stringing you along. Bet you anything her ex and her are still messing around while she got you in a friendzone kind of situation while dangling the possibility of you getting with her in case her ex bails on her. have some self respect for yourself and move on to a girl that is actually available in every way that counts.

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I don't think so. I know from her that he's dating someone else and that he wanted out of the relationship. She said they catch up from time to time over the phone but I really didn't get the impression it was like that at all. She even openly told me she had gone on a date with another guy but wasn't interested

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This is a tough situation. It's like you're so close to being together with her but there's just that one door that remains closed, and that's her hesitating to be with you because she's still not over her ex.


Two things come to mind for me in dealing with this. One is to just go cold on her. Take away all the attention she loves getting from you, and she may see what she's missing and pursue you again.


The other thing is to continue seeing her, but just one level under "officially together." That means you keep flirting with her, have fun and stuff, don't engage in "serious talk" and just continue building her attraction for you. Eventually (assuming she's getting nowhere with her ex) she'll be more into you.

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I think you've hit it right on the head in summing up. I've been sort of doing a hybrid of those those two things and it's worked somewhat well. I've seen her twice (her driving up to spend the night) and both times things were light, fun, and just how they should be. I think the key for me is to pick one of those suggestions and maintain it. I'm going to continue to pursue but keep things light and avoid the serious talk stuff. I just have to avoid the insecurities in my head of not getting validation of an actual relationship title if that makes sense.


Thanks for the perspective!

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