Dating Single Mother, problems with Helping

[apach]

Sorry, but I don't know a short way to go about this.

 

I am not sure how to go about to explain this. I have had only three "serious" relationships. One was pretty bad as a teenager, and came back to visit me about a year and a half ago. I have since moved on, and faster than I would have liked/thought found myself in another relationship. I was introduced to her through a friend, but not with the intentions of dating. She is the sister of my friends wife, his sister-in-law. I ran into her at a barbecue they had and she came onto me pretty strong. Strong enough that it was obvious to other people. I was kind of encouraged by others to ask her on a date.

 

She is a twice divorced single mother of an 8 year old boy, and 3 year old girl. Both children are from each ex-husband. The first husband was when she was just out of high school and was an accidental pregnancy so they got married is what she said, since she got pregnant. That ended shortly, and she found herself single. She met another guy that had been divorced with two sons, a couple of years older than her son. She said she knew she didn't think he was a good guy for her, but felt so bad for the sons and wanted to take care of them, since she thought they weren't being taken care of. They were married, and he spent most of his time away working. It wasn't until he spent more time at home that things blew up, she says he cheated, and that's when she decided to divorce.

 

That was the spring before I met her in fall, that they separated. I found out most of this after we started dating. I felt a spark with her, and kind of threw a little bit of caution to the wind. I consider myself to get into things slow, but soon after our first date, we went on another, then I started coming to her house once or twice in the evening after a few weeks, after her children were in bed. I didn't stay the night until after about 6-7 weeks, but still hadn't had any sexual interaction, as to try and keep things somewhat slow.

 

She seemed to have a lot of problems due to being a single mother, not having much education, and blaming lack of education on past marriages. So she is "stuck" in almost minimum wage jobs, trying to make ends meet with child support from both fathers. I started of trying to help in different ways. By repairing things around the house, inside and out. This is what I did mostly when I started coming over on the weekends and started to meet the children after a couple of months. As time went on, I came over more, spent the night more, and was there basically every weekend. We got along very well, the more I stayed the more I started to do other things, like washing dishes, doing laundry, etc. She seemed to never have time to really do those things and so I would do it. It didn't take very long before it felt like I was the only one doing any of the things that needed to be taken care of.

 

By this point I had fallen very much in love with her, and she with me. Doing all of these things what seemed like by myself the majority of the time started to have a burn out effect on me. She started to take notice, of my being "burned out" on it. We talked and decided I take a "step back" to try and get my life in order, since my house had lots of things that had been left undone, and my job wasn't receiving as much attention as usual. I am in a professional career position that is very important to me. This made her upset, but we kind of tried it. It mainly made me feel guilty because she had so many problems that she says she will figure out, but never does, and relies on others to get her out. Which in turn makes me feel like I should feel ashamed that I didn't help her.

 

For instance, not too long after we first started dating I found out her central heat and air was not working and was deemed irrepairable. I started trying to think of ways to help and figure it out. I offered several different ways of trying to help her pay for it, with her paying me back with an unlimited time limit, or paying half, and things like that. None of that was something she wanted to do. She would get upset over and over again, I mentioned getting window units since her home is somewhat small. She said she wouldn't but I felt like I had to hold my ground and not pay $4-$6k outright to replace her central heat and air. She ended up getting window units and being okay with it. That was after she complained to everyone she knew friends and family, co-workers about not having central heat or air, and the summer was coming, etc. She complained to everyone she knew to where men at work tried to help her out. They quickly found out the same as I did (I believe) that there wasn't any kind of deal she was willing to accept, except outright paying for it. There was one guy that even offered to give her an interest free loan, much in the same way I did, but still didn't take it.

 

Anyway, anytime I feel like she is in a round about way putting her problems on me to solve, sometimes I draw a line and try to get her to handle them on her own. I did not do this one time, where she was saving money for vacation to see some relatives. Her car had a really bad problem and was going to eventually ruin the engine. I tried and tried to see what I could do but all I was able to do was accurately diagnose the problem and realize that it was not something I could do myself, and would need to be repaired for about $700. We got into several arguments about this because I was worried the engine would go anyday, and she didn't want to pay for the repair out of the vacation money. This went on for months after I watched the problem get worse and worse, until eventually I told myself that I loved her and I will just pay for it. She never asked me to though. Her response was that she would just figure it out, and I would try to explain to her that if it kept going on she would no longer have a car and would present a whole host of other problems. This would cause us to somewhat argue, because it made me worry. Because then she would have no way to get to work and so on.

 

In these situations I want to let her figure it out like she says, and it either ends up she doesn't do anything and it causes more problems, or someone else does it for her after she complains and has a woe is me type attitude enough.

 

I keep trying to step back, but I always feel guilty. She seems to let all sorts of people run over her. Her kids boss her around until she snaps, she is 90% of the time mad/tired of her mom, she hates her job, and doesn't have any plans to make anything better. She constantly has problems, whether it is her back hurting, or a sickness, or tired, or something. There are times where she is okay and says things like she has had a great weekend and such but it never lasts. I know it can't always be great, but the helplessness she seems to have gets old. I don't know if I am being a jerk or not.

 

She always tells me these things like I am the most amazing man she has ever met, and brags about me to friends/family/coworkers. I think it is nice, but try to be humble about it without being awkward. As time went on we started to have small arguments because I just got tired of her "woe is me" attitude towards so many things. She also spoils and lets her kids run over her to an extent, and then snaps and screams at them when it is too much. I tried for a little while to help by telling her to just take a break and calm down, since she would end up in what I consider power struggles with her 3 year old. After not too long I decided to keep out of it, because she seemed to think spanking and screaming were okay. And I didn't want to argue with her about how to raise them.

 

After her noticing my irritation sometimes with dishes being unclean for days, (since I wouldn't be there to clean them) while cleaning them. She started telling me she was sorry for me being irritated. I tried to explain to her that I wanted us to both work at the responsibilities around the house, and sometimes it felt like it was just me. This usually leads to arguments where use to I would try and try to sort out her confusion. Now, I get irritated very quickly and feel like I am going crazy. Simple statements like on the phone where I say, "What time are you going to bed?" She responds with an answer like, "Oh, okay, I will let you go then". She seems to assume a lot in lots of different aspects of our communication. Where she thought I was implying I wanted to get off the phone with her but was not. These simple communications lead into discussions/arguments sometimes that don't make any sense, and make me feel like I am going nuts.

 

I could keep on and on, but hopefully this makes sense, and someone can offer advice as to what I am doing wrong or what I should do?

 

thank you very much

[WhenWillILove]

Well, being a single mother of 2 kids is very, very hard work. But I think she got too caught up in this victim cycle.

Have you tried writing her a letter? It may sound odd but sometimes speaking to the person won't get through. Plus, I'm sure it'll stump her and maybe then she'll pay attention.

 

I think she's reluctant to accept your money for house repairs and so forth because she doesn't want to seem needy. People have their pride and self-esteem, you know. And with her low wage jobs and tough life, she really does need a little pride and self-esteem.

 

Have you tried buying her flowers? Maybe taking her out of the house in a quiet spot, away from the children? Because it seems like your arguments arise when you are at her house and it seems like you are there quite a lot. That would definitely lead to tension.

[Liraele]

Uhm...

 

It really sounds like this woman wants someone to "take care of her" for all her protestations otherwise.

 

I'm a single mom... but man, I wouldn't take advantage of someone's generosity either....and what it sounds like from what you've said is that you're being taken advantage of.

 

The guy I've been dating... we split most things 50/50, with some give and take for who has had a busier week, etc. Things around the house, etc. I'm so used to doing everything on my own that it's hard for me to accept help (dishes/laundry/picking the kids up from daycare/watching them while I go to the grocery store... seriously little things that are a huge help and a huge deal to me), which he laughs at me about (not in a mean way), but it just is... part of being self-sufficient. Letting someone into your little world is hard.

 

On the other hand, you have people that will latch onto anyone willing to jump into their mess and take care of them and things that seem like overwhelmingly huge tasks over time... or that they just simply don't care too much about. They may not intentionally take advantage, but that's exactly what they do... it's like "Oh my gosh, HELP!" *shovels massive burdens onto new persons shoulders* "Phew!"

 

I know that probably comes accross as harsh, and that really isn't how I mean it. If you've made her aware of how you feel, and if you've given an idea of what you consider an equal sharing and balance of responsibilities, and she's not upholding her part... then you have to decide if that's something you want to stick around for or not.

 

Advice? I don't really have any... I've found that people that have that particular mindset (and woe is me is part of it) are difficult to bring around, if not impossible...

[pl3asehelp]

I'll be flamed, but some women have a thing going on with their verbal communication where they ignore what you say and instead completely fabricate out of thin air their own version of what you said. Perfect example here, you said to her 'what time are you going to bed' - well she completely disregarded your question, didn't answer you, and instead decided to put words in your mouth implying you want to get off the phone and responded to that with 'oh, i'll let you go then'. It's nearly impossible to communicate with people like this because they make up their own meaning for everything you say as if they are having a conversation with themselves. I'd avoid her at all costs as it's really impossible to be in a relationship with someone you can't communicate with.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sure that it's not easy being a single mom, yet on the other hand it seems as if she can be quite impulsive, as well as making some bad decisions along the way. This could very well be one of the reasons why she chose to not further her education in order to have a more promising future. Having said that, I'm not sure how you could help her in that regard.

 

Bottom line is, it doesn't seem like her home life will be changing anytime soon, and you have to make a decision on whether you can tolerate this, or move on.

 

All the best...

[Ms Darcy]

She sounds more like someone who wants to be coddled than someone who wants an equal partner. Don't let your feelings of attraction blind you to someone who does not have the values you need in an equal partner.

[abitbroken]

There are programs available like WIC for moms (but maybe that is just for kids under 5?) who have kids and are having problems making ends meet, and I am sure the kids could get some benefits. Also, I assume that the fathers of these children would have had to help meet the needs of these kids, including if they didn't have heat or a/c. Life is doable without a/c with fans and a window a/c in the bedroom for sure, though. I have done it for most of my life.

 

I think that if she doesn't accept offers for people to take a look at her system - someone who is handy or maybe has a rental house they work on so are knowledgable, I wonder if she wants the cash for something else and doesn't want to say.

 

I wouldn't pay for her repairs. You are not married to her. You need to not get too attached to running her life - she needs to do for herself too

 

There are also ways she can better herself - by doing excellent work at work, she can get raises or be promoted to shift supervisor, etc. I worked a minumum wage job and jumped to a customer service job because i could talk to people.

[apach]

Thank you very much everyone. I really appreciate the insight and what not from different perspectives. There is more I could share, but didn't as to keep it from being very long. I have noticed that different problems we have had in our relationship but kept chalking them up to different things, the hardship of finances a single mother has, going through a divorce or divorces, dealing with the ex-husband(s). I never really thought of whether or not the way she was responding to these things were healthy. I tried to help her through hard times, and feel as though I did successfully most of the time, but as time goes on I feel like as those problems go away others pop up. Thinking about different things after reading what Poppa has said, I can see where I have gone from being in the role of "savior" to her treating me a bit as if I am against her. What you are explaining, Poppa, makes a lot of sense and I appreciate it very much. I have thought about a lot of things lately, and have been reading through information you linked to on "gettinbetter" which is great.

 

For more insight, I am engaged with her now. I would defend my getting engaged with her by saying that I felt like we struggled through different rough times and overcoming problems together. That she seemed to be blissfully happy for a few weeks, and I thought about asking her to marry me because we seemed to be heading in the right direction with things getting better. I had previously considered whether or not we would/could get married earlier in the relationship due to the relationship getting more involved with her and her children. I have to admit that I should have been more responsible in hindsight and given things more time I guess, before I had asked her to marry me. It had been just over a year. I just felt like the problems she was suffering from were slowly going away/being solved and were no longer problems and we were on the other side trying to go in a good direction.

 

It wasn't very long after I asked her to marry me that we talked about when and where and what not to get married. This came up the day afterward, and she told me her ideas which seemed to be very specific and some things I did and didn't like. I felt that if I told her some of things I didn't like the conversation wouldn't end well, since she was so extremely excited. I told her that her ideas sounded good, but I wasn't sure and we could talk about it some more as time went on. She kind of didn't like that, but guess it was okay. Over the next few days it became a big deal, and she was getting flustered and asking me why I was having problems with it and what not, and she was getting stressed because people kept asking her when and she didn't know what to say. Which kind of frustrated me more, since I wasn't even given a good 24 hours from saying we could talk about it more as time went on before this problem developed into a bigger problem. Eventually, a week or so and a few small arguments, the wedding talk subsided and seemed to turn into moving in with each other. Which we had talked about before, since we were both talking about different things that needed to be done to our houses, she has a house from a previous divorce, and I have a house also. While I believe I was the one that brought up the idea of moving into my house, I remember bringing it up for feeling guilty about her situation of not knowing what to do about her house and ongoing problems. Which I don't mean to completely justify it, I do like to think of living together and being a happy family and what not. Which before we started dating I wasn't sure if I wanted to have children and what not, but was more prone to being family oriented, as I liked to visit family from time to time.

 

I still have very much more to read and learn, but one of the things is that most of what I am reading seems to deal with moving on and dealing with healing yourself. Which most implies that is your best option is to "get out". It is very sad to think about not being able to work things out. I have seen sparsely talking about years and years of therapy helping a person with these problems, but would that be with me out of the equation?

 

She had mentioned to me before about going to therapy after her second divorce, and it helping. I just feel like if I bring up therapy she is going to try and throw it all in my face, because she is scared of not knowing what is going to happen with her family and having the stress of having to "figure it all out". She somewhat commonly takes the stance of being extremely upset and thinks I am going to leave her. I would always tell her that I loved her and won't leave her. It wasn't the reason, but I partly thought that getting engaged may help with that too, but it doesn't seem to have helped any.

 

As of now, I don't quite know how to explain it, but she seems to be on a kick of being empowered and she is going to do everything herself, and start planning things for her and her children and when I decide I want them to move in just let her know, but in the mean time she is going to make other plans. That seems like the attitude she is having, although it is very hard to explain. I have told her all I want is time to work on our relationship, and it wasn't simply a matter of moving in and what not, it was our relationship I am concerned with.

 

She seems to blame me by saying that I shouldn't have told her we could move in for months, before deciding it wasn't a good idea. And now she has to deal with all of the problems of having to face the questions from friends and co-workers about not moving in and what not. Which I can partly understand, because I had told friends and family we were engaged as well. When they had asked me about when we were going to get married after I broke the news to them, I told them we hadn't talked about it yet and what not. A few weeks later people asked, and I told them we were trying to figure things out, which I thought was a good honest answer. She seems to think it is the ultimate shame, and now has to tell everyone that she isn't sure and almost breaks down in tears when someone asks her why. I get it a little bit, but at the same time I don't. It just makes me feel really guilty, but also in my mind I think that maybe I shouldn't be feeling guilty and should stand up for myself. After all, I didn't tell her for months that we were going to move in. I had only asked her one time a few months before I asked her to marry me whether she could ever see us all living in my house. Once I proposed she brought up the idea, after it was okay to postpone talking about a wedding date. I told her we could think about it and see what all needed to be done and what not. So she preceded to think about different things, which were mainly just which rooms would be her children's and how they would be setup for them.

 

I knew she was getting excited about it and was "planning" to move in, but to me it wasn't something definite, just kind of seeing what would need to be done for the process to move forward or get a feel for it maybe. Such as looking into what would need to be done to enroll the children in school, what school would they be going to, daycare if needed, jobs she may like to get in the area, etc. At no point in time did I ever act or say that it was a done deal or anything, but I guess she didn't see it that way, and I am not concerned with whether she was right and I am wrong. I am just trying to give a better depiction of things, since I am telling the details. Because I had brought up the idea of her not working and going to school, so that she could find a job that she likes better, as she hates what she has. She says she wants to be a school teacher and I thought that would be good too, but whatever she wants to pursue would be good. I also thought that it would allow a better schedule for the children. She liked the idea at first, but seemed to not later on. We talked about different things like this. So it's not like we hadn't talked about getting married and moving in, but I didn't feel like it was written in stone as she seemed to have thought it was that we were moving in on "x day" which to me was just a day she had mentioned, but hadn't agreed upon like everything else that had been talked about.

 

It makes since as Poppa has shared with me, and info I have read so far, that it seems as though I am slowly turning into the one to blame for her problems. I'm just trying to make sense of it all I guess.

 

I guess I am trying to get a feel for whether or not I am capable and emotionally sound enough, to try and work through this with her. I feel like I really want to because I love her very much, but I can't help but think of when our relationship is having so many problems and I can't seem to communicate with her clearly I feel like I am going nuts.

 

Thanks again

[abitbroken]

I think that you are looking at the engagement as a reward for good behvaior for a little while. You really should be deciding if this woman is an appropriate life partner for you or not. Because she has been married twice with a child with each, I would be extra cautious. It seems she is all gung ho on her wedding ideas, but what about the other things - how do you handle conflicts/ Not well if you didn't "bring up" things that she would disagree with since you felt the convo wouldn't end well. That is walking on eggshells for someone and not healthy.

[abitbroken]

I think that you shouldn't start diagnosing her as BPD. The simple fact is that this woman went through two marriages in a relatively short order of time (if her kids are both minors from different marriages) and who knows if she has done personal work on herself rather than merely throwing herself into another relationship. I understand sometimes people get divorced - people make mistakes or are just dealt an unfair hand sometimes, but having two divorces without the person seeming like they are the self reflecting sort who has done a lot of personal work realizing how they got into all that - they are sometimes destined to run through and spit out a third. I would try to distance myself a little bit to work on your own self. Just step back a little bit regardless of how the kids feel about you. It is better to do so now than to divorce later.

[apach]

Again, great information that I appreciate very much. I hadn't even thought that by sharing my experiences it can help others. I guess I am too distraught about the subject to think like that. If anyone has questions for me, feel free.....

I am continuing to research, and your aid is priceless. Thank you very much.

[apach]

I know I am kinda giving the play by play on this, and if I am not using this forum properly I apologize, but figured it wouldn't hurt to ask for more input. Things had kind of tapered off after we had a bad argument a few weeks ago. Last night, she said she wanted to talk so we did. She said that she needed answers, and when I asked answers to what she couldn't really tell me. Then she started saying that she doesn't know what to tell people when they ask when we are getting married. She says that she tells them things like the year 2020 so they will leave her alone. She was telling me that she would almost have panic attacks whenever someone would come to the office that she thought would ask if we had set a date. And if they did ask, she would do everything she could to not break down. I didn't know this was going on really, other than her telling me she had trouble responding to people when they asked. I told her that people that had asked me, that I said, we have some things to figure out and plan for, and don't have a good idea right now. She says that people ask her everyday and she can't handle it. I tell her that I am at a loss and don't really know what to say, other than what I have told my friends, and they haven't asked anymore.

 

She went to her doctor last week, and had a "melt down" and he prescribed her some anti-anxiety medicine that she started taking. I didn't realize that she had been feeling that bad, but felt like I was supportive of her. We talked about it, and she seemed to be okay and I think she felt like she knows I am there for her, and we are fine. Now about a week later, she said she wanted to talk. The conversation was like pulling teeth. I eventually came to the conclusion that she wanted to know "where our relationship was headed" although she never really said it, but once we started talking about it, that seem to be what she meant. I told her what we had talked about previously, which was that I felt like we had communication issues among other things and would try to just work on having a healthy relationship, and other things in our lives that we need to work on. Because she most of the time feels overwhelmed and helpless, and trying to add more things like planning a wedding and moving in, and things like that just didn't seem to be a good idea to try and stack on top of everything else.

 

She seemed to think that since we had been okay for about 3 weeks (no fighting), that it showed everything was fine, implying we should move forward with setting a wedding date and planning the wedding and moving in together, etc. I told her that I didn't feel there was any need to rush things, and that maybe we should just give our self some more time. She wanted to know why and got a bit defensive. Which puts me into a cautious state and so I try to carefully explain what I mean. I tell her about the way I have felt when times are good and times we have arguments, and the issues that stuck out to me that made me really worry about our relationship. Telling her that when I experienced some of those things, it made me feel uncomfortable and made me feel the need to proceed with caution. She wants to know what specific things, and I try to explain, but seems to turn into a blame game. She started pointing out over and over a night that I got upset and cried a lot, and didn't want to talk. Saying that it freaked her out and that I had emotional problems and she can put up with me, but when she gets upset I can't handle it. The night I broke down crying, I couldn't handle it and felt like I was going crazy. I didn't think it was best I went to her place because we had been arguing, but she usually takes the stance that I can't run away from her. She says she feels like I am leaving her and doesn't know if I really want to be with her. (Things like this always make me feel guilty, and I feel like it is partly my fault if not all. I have problems with feeling guilty on different things like if I haven't seen some of my family, mother, father, brother, sister in a while. I have gotten better with that type thing though.) At this point in the conversation I feel like she is going all over the place, going from calm, to irritated (starts talking to me with a very snappy tone, and stern looks), to angry/vengeful (yelling, and saying things that seem to just be to "attack" me), back to depression (crying and calming down and saying things like "I just wanted to have a nice conversation, but no can't do it, has to turn into an argument.) She keeps saying things like that, and I tell her that it is one of the reasons I have a hard time telling her what I truly feel, because then I feel like she blames me, and she says she is not blaming me, but I feel like she is.

 

She says that she wants me to tell her anything that has been on my mind. Since the conversation has already gotten bad I don't see any reason to not take the opportunity to tell her that I have been worried and why. Saying that some of our last couple of arguments really shook me to my core as to whether I thought I could handle the problems we had. That it really bothered me and put me into a position of caution, and thought that trying to brush it off and continue making plans for her and her children to move in with me was not the best idea right now. That I thought we should give the relationship some time, and try to take it easy.

 

I told her about me posting to this forum online and started researching different things online, and told her that I had thought about going to see a therapist. She kind of seem stunned and wanted to know why. I told them some of the things that were discussed on this forum, and said that I felt like I had some issues possibly, and that she might as well. Her face quickly turned very straight and obvious that she was about to explode. She very harshly grabbed some things and "stormed" outside to go smoke. She came back in, in a very calm mood, and started telling me that she didn't think it was fair that I was telling her that she has emotional problems. I told her that I wasn't trying to tell her that, but that I was trying to figure out things for myself and letting her know what was on my mind. She told me sternly several times that she didn't have any emotional problems. I thought that was kind of weird in itself. She has made comments in the past about feeling very sensitive to people making jokes about her being crazy. She told me a week or two ago that she spent a long time convincing a therapist she did go see that she wasn't bipolar so it "hit close to home" when someone said something about it. I tried to be sensitive, but had to point out that it at least sounded funny that she had to convince a therapist she wasn't bipolar. She agreed, since we were kind of having a light-hearted conversation. I told her I didn't know and that I was just simply researching things, and wasn't taking any book, or website, or persons opinion as fact and just considering things as I researched. She seemed to think this was unacceptable from what I could tell and would only be satisfied once I said she didn't have any problems and I would read about any of the stuff any more. By that point she was extremely angry and I just tried to not say anything. Not too long went by and she said that she loved me and good night, and "stormed" to bed.

 

Today she started the conversation saying that she felt like I betrayed her, and that it was extremely unfair that I talk to anyone about her, and that if I did go to a therapist she wanted to go together. I told her if anything I thought it was better we go to separate therapists. She told me that if I needed to discuss her in our relationship, she understood, but discussing her issues or the way she handles things or how she makes decisions based on my perspective, was something that she doesn't want me to do. She said it's not fair and I shouldn't do it. I told her that I wouldn't be going to tell them about her, but about me and the problems that I am having, which would include our relationship. I said I didn't think I should sensor my perspective of things with her and I and the therapist should understand that it is just my point of view. I pointed out that she talks to her mom and sisters about me a lot. Sometimes I have found out that there are things that aren't completely true. I found out that she started telling people including her family that we were not moving in because I didn't think she was financially responsible. Which I say is not true, the only way I know this could have come to light, is that I told her that we may need to consider not moving into my house but look into other options, since the house may be too much for us. (It is a large house, which can run high utilities if you do not watch them and what not).

 

She then said that maybe we should postpone the engagement, and we could talk about it tonight. She may not have meant this as a response to me not agreeing to not talk about her, but it kind of seemed like it. I told her that was fine, and we could talk about it tonight. She also said last night, when she was angry that she "saw how things were, and would just make plans of her own". Which I kind of took as she was just going to go on with her life and make plans and not worry about me. Obviously that is a lot assumed, but it is the way it seemed.

 

Maybe I shouldn't be talking about all of this here, I appreciate everyone that does respond and give their opinion. I kind of feel that I just need to talk about it, I know that it is unfair to her coming from just my point of view, I am not perfect as well. I just don't want to talk to my friends and family about it, because I don't want them to judge her from my point of view.

[Lonewing]

Sinlge parenthood does not grant a license for what we wouldn't put up with, otherwise...

[FreedomRing]

Poppa hits the nail right on the head, OP.

 

I also have to agree, you appear to have an incredible sense of awareness regarding the situation, your feelings and hers. Few people have this ability.

 

Poppa is also right about your difference in perspectives regarding, taking things slow, and being cautious (rightfully so) vs. this making her anxious. I think this one issue alone, will continue to cause problems for you both, if you decide to keep working on things with her. Two very different approaches and she seems quite emotionally immature, which usually lends to people like this being VERY resistent to change.

 

It is a good idea for you to pump the brakes(I think you should leave altogether as I see a future with her, being just like this emotional rollercoaster...how exhausting!) and continue to examine what's going on. I strongly urge you to go see a therapist ASAP. For your own issues having to do with you, and for an outsider's opinion about this relationship. I suspect, as she said, she will not like you going and this will not go over well with her. You may want to think about going to the therapist and getting a few sessions under your belt before you tell her. Either way, I'm sure she will try to manipulate you seeking therapy against her.

 

I read manipulation all throughout your post. She morphs into victim mode, making you go against your better judgement and then start accepting more blame then necessary, if at all.

 

Be careful here. She is a very troubled woman.