He broke off his engagement to someone else to be with me. Part II

[Momma1390]

So a few days back I posted the following:

 

 

He broke off his engagement to someone else to be with me.

 

So we met years ago in HS. I always liked him. We were friends. But just friends nothing more.

 

Eventually, I moved away. Several months into my move he came to visit me. We spent the week together. Still just as friends. He left and we kept in touch over the last few years less and less.

 

I was aware he was dating a girl for a few years and finally last year they became engaged.

 

In December I received a message from him. So I messaged him back. The next thing I new we were conversing and he asked if I could meet up with him. I new he was engaged and I said I didn't think that was appropriate under the circumstances. A few days passed and he persisted. So eventually I gave in and we arranged to meet.

 

At first it felt like before, just two friends enjoying a friendship. We met up that morning which turned into the afternoon and then the evening. Still just friends. We parted and within a short time he started calling me and asked could he come back to get me. We sat and talked and talked and he said he had always loved me. That he would always catch himself thinking of me. Well one thing led to another and we ended up spending the night together. Definitely the best night of my life. We spent most of the next day together.

 

When I left him I knew he was going back to his fiance or so I thought. Instead a day passed and he called me and said he had broken off his engagement because he knew something wasn't right with his relationship with his fiance. He said he wanted to be with me. Well here we are a month later and he is already talking about our future together. I am so very happy. Is he in love with me or infatuated?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Well I've given your replies a lot of thought. He lives out of state and he texts and calls me everyday. The other day sent me the most beautiful red long stem roses. Our phone calls turn into hours and hours. He has asked that I come visit him for a week. I have decided to go to him. Unless I spend time with him I will never know if this can work. I know I have always felt something for him. I didn't act on my feeling because I didn't want to ruin a great friendship. It feels like love. It feels real.

 

When he got engaged I broke down and cried. I didn't know until that moment how much I wanted to be with him. He has said to me that he was pressured by his x to get engaged. He new it didn't feel right. He even told his mother he wasn't sure getting engaged was right for him. His mother asked him if he had told me he was getting engaged. He said no. He said to his mom she has moved on and at the time I was seeing someone else. He thought getting engaged would force him to move on with his life with his x and forget about me. Four months went by and he just kept thinking about me and finally tried messaging me.

 

Well he says the smartest thing he has ever done is left her. That he never felt for her what he feels for me. He wants to be with me and always has. He says now that he has me he is never letting me go. We are not kids. I have had my share of relationships. None of which I felt this way. He is willing to take things slow. This feels right. Do you think I am making the right decision?

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[WhenWillILove]

Well, I guess, good luck with your new relationship. It just seems a bit odd that he'd lose all those emotions for the previous girl and have all these loving emotions towards you. Relationships that last these many years aren't just forgotten in a few weeks. You might also be a rebound, but one that's not necessarily temporary.

[luminousone]

Just take things very very slowly - and be cautious! He may be a commitment phobe, or he may simply be enamored with the idea of you and not the real you...

[Tranquillo]

You say that you and him were just friends... so why did you feel that it would be inappropriate to meet up with him? His engagement shouldnt really be an issue in yours and his friendship.

 

I think it was more inappropriate of you to sleep with the guy, knowing he was engaged - even if he was professing you his love, still should have waited until he actually broke off the engagement before sleeping with him. What if the sleep session wasnt good enough for him... he would have then still stuck to his engagement and left you. He was testing his feelings to see which women he really wanted, and he got the answer AFTER sleeping with you. Sounds like infatuation at the moment. Maybe it will grow in love because you two do have a history together.

[WhenWillILove]

You say that you and him were just friends... so why did you feel that it would be inappropriate to meet up with him? His engagement shouldnt really be an issue in yours and his friendship.

 

I think it was more inappropriate of you to sleep with the guy, knowing he was engaged - even if he was professing you his love, still should have waited until he actually broke off the engagement before sleeping with him. What if the sleep session wasnt good enough for him... he would have then still stuck to his engagement and left you. He was testing his feelings to see which women he really wanted, and he got the answer AFTER sleeping with you. Sounds like infatuation at the moment. Maybe it will grow in love because you two do have a history together.

 

It honestly does sound fishy.

If his feelings for the previous girlfriend were not love despite them being together for several years, I mean, how do you know his feelings for you are love? Everything seems going at lightning speed. Slow down. If he really loves you, he'll wait it out.

[Seraphim]

I think he is in love with the idea of you. If you have not been in regular contact for several years realistically he barely knows you. For him to suddenly after a few times of being with you suddenly drops a girl he planned to MARRY, I would run if it were me.

[metrogirl]

He obviously loved her enough to propose to her, I find it odd that with a click of a switch she isn't the right girl anymore.

[Momma1390]

In his messages and phone calls he told me he needed to see me. He filled me in over a period of a weeks time. He told me he had had feelings for me.

 

You see years ago we spent a lot of time together. Big entertainment projects together. I had a lot of responsibilities and he would help me carry out my goals in these projects. We worked hard together. He played a big part in my life back then. He really didn't need to help me but tells me now this was the easiest way for him to be near me. Spend time with me. There were many smiles accross a room at one another and a couple of kisses. We even hung out alone together outside of these projects. I am a very strong independent woman. Not at all afraid to speak out. No matter what the situation. Most men find me intimidating. Not him that is what he finds so exciting about me. Life will never be boring with me. I need someone stable. After the relationships I have been in I need that.

[abitbroken]

If he knew you years ago, you both have changed now. I wouldn't be surprised if you two got together (same geographic location) that he becomes less enthusiastic. I wonder if he got dumped rather than he broke it off with his fiancee

[Momma1390]

No he definitely broke it off with her. There are others involved who have told me. I am a positive person. I want this to work and I hope it does. He has an amazing week planned for us. I'm going to enjoy it for as long it will last.

 

I know it's hard to believe he never forgot me. But I understand because that is how I have always felt about him. We went through a lot together good and bad (not ever problems between us). In my life next to my mother he has been the most supportive person in my life. Never a negative moment with him. When I look back I don't know how I could have passed him over. Just my life style I guess. I'm taking the chance and moving forward with him.

[EgoJoe]

Sounds like GIGS to me.

[Momma1390]

Someone puts together all those gigs......I'm not giving my career up. I have an amazing life. He doesn't expect me to give up anything. He has the career he has always wanted. Now we just need people to share in our lives. The only time I will put things on hold will be to have a baby. I work hard he knows that. But I am at a place where I can definitely find time for him. I will make the time. I am making the time to go to him.

[StarFright]

Someone puts together all those gigs......I'm not giving my career up. I have an amazing life. He doesn't expect me to give up anything. He has the career he has always wanted. Now we just need people to share in our lives. The only time I will put things on hold will be to have a baby. I work hard he knows that. But I am at a place where I can definitely find time for him. I will make the time. I am making the time to go to him.

 

 

GIGS is an acronym for "Grass is greener Syndrome" when someone will leave their partner to pursue someone else in hopes they will be happier (or perhaps get that rush of the chase or puppy-dog love back)...it's usually superficial but a pretty natural emotion when a relationship is over the "honeymoon" phase. Unfortunately, I've felt it an also acted upon it. I consider that relationship similar to a rebound.

Anyway, as for your original post, I would really proceed with caution. I wouldn't be surprised if after being with you for awhile he'll be looking at some other pretty thing to get with if he gets tired. Like some have mentioned, he was in love with this other woman enough to marry her and now he's dropping her. (I'd judge his character and willingness to commit after finding this out) And also the notion of being in love with the idea of you - when you get over the bubbly feeling of the honeymoon phase and into the nitty-gritty, that will be the true test. What if he leaves you just like he did his last? It's a big possibility.

When I dated my one ex, I had found out he dumped his ex for me and actually cheated on her a few days prior, I guess to "feel me out" while not straying from his original relationship in case I wasn't his type or something. Well, in the end he did the exact same thing to me.

 

 

Just my .02.

[Momma1390]

Ya thanks.

 

The only thing I have questioned from the beginning is if he wasn't happy with her why not just break it off. Instead he calls me and we get together. Then he lets me think he's going back to her and calls me 24 hours later to let me know he left her because he wants us to be together. He says it's because he wasn't sure if what he felt for me was real or not. But the second he saw me he knew he was sure.

 

Apparently back in December he was looking at my facebook and his guy friend asked him how do you know her? He said we were close friends back in HS. The friend said can you hook me up with her? Well he said he became so enraged that he wanted to punch out his friend. He said he was enraged and definitely shouldn't be feeling that way. He did try on several other occasions to get together with me. Once a year ago but I was in a relationship so we didn't get together that time.

 

Also, indirectly a couple of years ago his x warned me in a fb message to keep away from him. Well I didn't know what she was talking about. We live in different states. I hadn't seen him at that point for nearly two years. Occasionally he would drop me a text but no reason for her to feel threatened. Anyway, later I find out that he had been drinking one night and kept talking about me and his x showed up and it made her extremely angry. Well I would have been angry too but not at me at him.

 

Anyway, he says when he called her to tell her it was over he felt nothing. She told him he would forgive him for whatever he did and he just felt nothing for her. He didn't even feel bad telling her they were done. He is in an officer in the military and only saw her four times last year. Each time he left her he left upset at her and missed her less and less. I think they were over before me.

 

Meanwhile my x who I was with off and on for three years calls me and wants to try again. This time I said no and I didn't feel bad either. I was kind and explained there was someone else. He called again but he understands I'm not going back with him. I really feel something this time and I'm not messing this up.

[MikNomis]

Well at least this guy did a big thing by breaking it off with that other girl, which I notice a LOT of people never seem to do.

 

I don't know if he's genuinely in love with you, but I do know that right now is still honeymoon stage so if anything, there's not much else to do other than wait it out and see.

[Ms Darcy]

I hope it works out for you, I really do. Try to be at least a little cautious. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Momma1390]

I will Ms Darcy. Thank you.

[figur]

I don't think people like to hear that one relationship can flourish at the expense of another. Not all people propose out of love, and this guy probably did not love his now-ex for quite some time. It happens.

 

If it feels right, just go with it. It's what we all do when starting a relationship. You just have to try and see where things go.

[Circe]

I think he is in love with the idea of you. If you have not been in regular contact for several years realistically he barely knows you. For him to suddenly after a few times of being with you suddenly drops a girl he planned to MARRY, I would run if it were me.

 

I agree - if only because I've seen a very similar situation play out before.

 

I just want you to consider - is he running to you - or is he using you as an excuse to run away from commitment, marriage and growing up?

[Circe]

Oh man.

 

This man is not emotionally healthy. I think he's known for a long time that you had a massive cruch on him and now he's using that to convince himself that he should be with you - when what he probably wants to do is run away from the marriage he's locked himself into and is too scared to go through with because it signifies "forever" and he's worried there should be something better out there for him.

 

People like this - who ditch their loved ones - in ways like this.. they are selfish people that you cannot rely on. You want to believe there's something special about you and the two of you together. The truth is - if there was, he'd have come to you long, long, long ago. Not now to escape his marriage.

 

I'm worried that you will get really, really hurt at the end of all this.

 

PS - please do not believe a word he says. He's making up all this "romantic" (in his mind and yours) nonsence about how it was always you - to justify what he's doing and to reel you in. You can't believe a word he says because he's a man who slept with you without his fiance's knowledge and is now standing her up at the altar.

[Stay_home]

The only thing I have questioned from the beginning is if he wasn't happy with her why not just break it off. Instead he calls me and we get together. Then he lets me think he's going back to her and calls me 24 hours later to let me know he left her because he wants us to be together. He says it's because he wasn't sure if what he felt for me was real or not. But the second he saw me he knew he was sure.

 

How long had he been seeing this other woman?

 

My concern is his inability to make his own decision in the beginning and to allow himself to be pressured into engaging the other woman. So he's unhappy, so he proposes anyway? My second concern is the meetup. He asks to meetup and to spend time with you just before he actually voids the engagement with the ex fiancee'. So just prior to breaking things off, you both end up in bed together. Next thing you know, no more engagement. That concerns me because it seems like he doubled-dipped; he wanted to make sure that you would still be down for being with him as perhaps for insurance for after he drops the atom bomb on his fiancee'. And it seems to me that if he was really all that unhappy, he should've broken things off long before you two would have even slept together. It just so happens that he decides to do right after or at least around the time period that he discovered you were still interested.

 

Nevertheless, I don't know him and I don't know you so I'm just going by what's been provided in the story. But to me that's just really strange, that's all.