mesmerized Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 This is the story of my life. It's going to be long and I'm quite sure you won't have enough patience to read it but still... I doing this for myself, I'm doing this because I have to, because I have no one to turn to. Background story I'm 27 years old and for some bizarre reason I've always believed that the number "27" will be the last one in my life. Here I am, being 27 and feeling that I've lost my life. I don't know when things started to go wrong. Probably at the end of high school. I wasn't one of those rebellious kids who would try messing with their lives. I never smoked, I didn't get drunk until I went to university. My parents didn't have too much trouble with me (I guess) although I've always had my frustrations. I used to stay at home a lot, play computer games or read books. I wasn't a geek and I wasn't a crammer either. Just a regular kid who fell in love with blues and rock music. I've always been interested in philosophy and existentialism thus I started questioning certain ideas and values pretty early. I would think a lot about god, love and the meaning of life. Back in high-school I didn't enter any important relationships with girls 'cause I was too scared to take any responsibilities. I had my passions, I was a Star Wars nerd and concentrated on things that were not particularly popular among my classmates or friends. Back then I had high hopes that true love would come one day. Then... I went to university and started questioning things even more... University I've never been good at math or physics, yet I loved English literature and history. I ended up studying English Philology and had an opportunity to delve a little deeper into philosophy and literature. I don't want to bore you with details but the more I read, the more anxious I was. I remember feeling more and more disappointed with life. I didn't fit in. I didn't like loud clubs with half-naked drunk or wired girls and similar guys trying to use the situation. It's never been my world. I felt bad that I didn't fit. I probably should have come out the shell back then but I didn't. One time, in one of the classes we had a psychological test. I answered some questions and to my surprise I was contacted by one of the teachers. She told me that the results were... well... distressing or alarming. I remember answering to one of the questions: "Yes, I have had thought about suicide" Yet, I ignored that. To cut the long story short, things got a little better when I began a relationship with one of my classmates. We had been friends for 3 years and then something clicked. I was so happy... for a short period of time. Things went astray... we had break-ups and come-backs. My depression got worse, I nearly ended up being run over by a car when that girl told be she was leaving. Then I got her back again, we went to Greece, lived there nearly a year, came back to out country and when I left for Holland to participate in Domino Day (a big TV show taking place annualy) she finally left me forever. I even was dumb enough to risk my job and I flew to see her (which cost me a considerable amount of money as I wasn't thinking clearly) but the relationship was over. Now, she's getting married. I suffered greatly. I couldn't cope with simple things. I went to see a psychologist and a psychiatrist. The first one didn't help, the other one gave pills. Lots of them. We would try different meds and at a certain point I felt like I had a huge pharmacy at home. Those meds did help a little but it took me two years to pull myself together and I promised myself that if I ever were to enter another relationship I wouldn't screw up and it would be my last one. Two years of dark thoughts and doubts and lost chances. During that time I had causual relationships, meaningless sexual contacts... I started doing things that were not really my style. I had casual sex in a club or during New Year's Eve party. Those things only made me feel worse. And then... I met Anna A beautiful, sexy, wise, organized yet funny girl. I met her on the Internet but it quickly turned out that we had a fair share of things in common. And... I lost her. I did wrong things. I nearly kissed her flatmate. Till this very day I don't know why. She gave me another chance and I blew it 'cause I was/am so damn pessimistic. We came to China together, I talked her into this and we live together in the same apartment. I see her every day and every day I hate myself. She's all I've ever wanted and I can't be with her. I've lost I feel I have lost my life. I'm 27 and I have nothing. Yes, I have some savings, some cash aside but I feel aimless. I feel that I can't do anything well. I'm a perfectionist. I've been learning English for so many years, Teaching English As A Second Language was my major and I don't even speak English the way I'd like to. I make mistakes. I can't do anything else, I have no work experience except for teaching. I'm in China now 'cause I couldn't face reality in my own country. I know I have nothing to come back to and I'm not strong enough to make my dreams come true and go to Canada or New Zealand. I've lost. I'm no one and I have achieved nothing. Most of my friends are married, have children and I lost the only girl in my life that truly had made me feel happy. No future I can't see any future for myself. I'm all alone now, drinking again, listening to Pink Floyd's "Time" and analysing the lyrics again and again. I used to have hope. I used to believe that I'm good enough to find a girl and make her happy. Some people tell me that I'm smart, that I'm handsome and charming. So what? Apparently that's not enough. All I ever wanted was to lead a simple life... Love was my sense of life. I can't go on, I feel old, I feel I've squandered all my chances and opportunities. I know that my dreams won't come true yet I don't understand why. Why me? I don't have the courage to get back on my feet again and seek help. I just want to leave. You might say that I should seek help again. I'm in China, first of all... and seconldy... I don't believe things can get better. They never did. Never. Those whom gods love die young I've always believed that my life will end at the age of 27. Maybe because I've been so obsessed with music? I feel things too intensively... Every sound tears me apart, every memory kills my soul. I don't want to see people leaving or dying. I don't want to feel again being left alone. There was a man in Poland... his name was Tomek Beksinski and he committed suicide. He had had everything. He was a successful translator and radio reporter. But he had no love. I just want to end this whole mess. Some things are unbearable and I don't believe that suicide is wrong. There's no "good" or "wrong" in case of people who can't cope. I don't want to fight with myself anymore but right now I don't have the means to end my life. And I still think a lot about my parents... I've been crying a lot recently and I can feel it coming again. My EX will come home (she's at a party which I didn't want to go to) She used to make herself look pretty for me... I just want to cry and stop the suffering. You might think it's all because of the break-up... Partly, yes. There must me some kind of way out of here... I'm tired of trying. I know I'm going nowhere and I know that my dreams are not coming true. I skipped lots of things... I wanted to write more but I just can't. I do want to leave forever. I can't feel happines and I can't see any future for myself. I want to die because it's just too much.The end. My only firend, the end... as Jim Morrison would say. PS. Sorry if I made grammar mistakes. Link to comment
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