Hope?

[drmcsugar]

Hi guys, this is my first post, although I have been reading this forum for the past 4 weeks after my ex broke up with me on January 21st, 2012. I appreciate the support and thanks in advance!

 

My ex-boyfriend, Ricky, and I had been dating for almost 2 years. He's 24 and I'm 20. We started out as bootycall partners but we escalated into a relationship within the first 3 weeks of dating. He was always the relationship-guy but I wasn't. Let's keep it short and say I've had a lot of psychological issues, one of them was depression. Hence, I never really wanted to date anyone, and if I got serious with a guy, I'd end things before it escalated. With Ricky, I tried to end it many times when the relationship was fresh, said I didn't deserve him, and I had doubts that this would work, so I fought over the small things, and broke up with him. But he was always the one to come back begging for me back, and sad to say, I liked being ... cared for and loved. I also had cheated on him while we were dating because I never saw this going anywhere, but he never knew. So I kept up with the relationship, and in no time, I fell in love with him back. He said he loved me because I didn't wanna rely on anyone, even him, I went through life alone independently, not financially, of course.

 

Our relationship went through a lot of things, a hell lot of breakups, because I really couldn't get my emotion under control and I tend to push people away, so I'd say things like "if you're not happy, then just leave" or "break up with me, then." But we would always make up the next day when I finally had a night sleep and come to my senses. We were also under a lot of pressure all the time because I was always taking 18-19 credits/a semester, I also have family issues (resulted in me cutting myself that he didn't like, since he was truly broken seeing me that shattered, I never went back again 6 months ago). On his side, he's 24, taking part-time classes because he has to work full time as a bartender to help paying his mom's house and also his loan+bills. He was a trooper and I admire him for that. So in August, we spent a lot of time together because I had summer break, but that was also when he didn't do well at work and he was barely paying all of his bills. He sat and cried that he didn't know where he was going in life, especially he can't even pay for classes. At the time, we were spending a lot of time together, we were bound to fight A LOT, but me and my horrible mouth, I broke up with him everytime, even though I didn't mean it, so finally one last draw, one day, he broke up with me. He said he didn't love me anymore, and he was scared of everything in life, and that he didn't wanna be with me, and he felt this way for a very long time. It hurt me so badly and I kept screaming and was angry. He, then, drove to my house at midnight, he told me that he didn't know what he wanted, but he wasn't ready to let me go yet. I also had to keep coming to him everyday, showing him that I could change (less fights, less reliant on him, and other issues). It took a month after for him to actually say "I love you" again to me. And that was the best feeling.

 

I mentioned this because we just broke up again 3 weeks ago, on the 21st. I believed it is a phase because we always broke up when we spent a lot of time together, when he wasn't making enough money at work to afford his bills, and when I was stressed with school and family. However, I think you guys should know the whole story...

 

He wanted to move in with me for a long time but my very conservative family wouldn't allow it unless he was going to sign the marriage paper. A few months ago when we were very happy, he said he would, and that he loved me so much he'd take a bullet for me. However, in December, we fought A LOT, sometimes 3 times a week, even one time before Christmas and he broke up with me and he told me that he wasn't going to spend another holiday like last year when we had fought; but we got back together of course. Anyway later, so I told him that my mom would support us with apartment expenses so he wouldn't have to work as hard and could go to school, too. And he was happy to hear that. My mom also asked if he gave him the money now, when would he sign the marriage paper? That stopped him for a bit. He said, he WOULD do it, and he loved me with all his heart, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, BUT, he wanted to do this the traditional way - move in first and let's see where it goes later. I was sincerely upset, because a few months ago, he said he'd do it "right tomorrow," and now did he just "un-marry me"? My pride was hurt and I was so used to him pampering and running back to me after every break-up, so I was manipulative and kept screaming at him. He told me that I had the right to be upset, and I should take a few days off, yet, I didn't, I kept calling to berate him, and that was it, he snapped we were over through the phone. He said it was like we were fundamentally different people, we couldn't carry our points accross without hurting one another, and all these fights have worn him out, and he couldn't do this anymore. Also, I told him that my mom wouldn't give us money if he wouldn't sign the paper, because they think that marriage should come before moving in together. He said eff my mom, he lived to please me and my mom long enough. Marriage should be me+him versus the world, not me bonding with my mom to be against him. He said if I could JUST stand up for him, he'd take more shifts at work, and try to pay for all the bills without my mom's money. I said, I couldn't, because my mom would cut off my credit card, and I wouldn't be able to go to school, and he knew she had done this before.

 

The next day, like always, I kept coming over, having sex with him, pretending like nothing happened. He was resistant to it at first, he didn't want to touch me, he didn't beg for me to stay. When I finally hugged him tight, he started crying in my arm, he said that it hurt so badly, that he was scared of losing me, but he knew it'd never work out with my family. He cried for about an hour, and he had to get up for work. We kissed and he said we'd talk later. Days later, we were still talking and acted like nothing's happened. But it was like walking on eggs shells because I could tell he was still upset over it, and he didn't say "I love you" anymore. I watched every word I was saying, and so did he. That lasted for about a week and we were supposed to have a date night that night, I couldn't wait, I said to him that we needed to talk. This is when our real break-up came in. He said that he was afraid to let me go, and he didn't have the courage to finally end things, but he would do it now, and no matter how much I begged, he made up his mind. He still sobbed like a baby, he said at the end of the day, he's the one that has to live with himself, and although it hurts to break up with me, but he had to, because things would never change; we'd get back together and fight again in 2 days. He said he's tried for the past few months, and he hadn't been happy. He didn't see a future with us anymore. He said he needed some time and space, and that he'd still talk and keep in touch with me. I thought he just needed some time alone, so we proceeded to have sex. He took me home later that night and promised that he wasn't going to disappear or avoid me. He told me to let him know about my first day of classes on Monday. By the way, he had ordered me a macbook pro because my laptop was broke and I didn't have a spare one to use for school, and IT CAME ON THE DAY WE BROKE IT OFF. I came to him to try giving it back to him, I said I couldn't take it especially now we were through. He insisted that I need to take it because I needed a good laptop for schoolwork; he tried to push it my way, he even took it to my house. I thought still, that he just needed some time off and that we'd get back together in no time.

 

However, the next morning, he changed his facebook relationship to nothing; it wasn't "in a relationship" anymore. We had been through thousand breakups before, but he never changed it. Also, his friends started calling me to ask for their stuffs back (mostly just their pictures I have in his phone - now my phone). One of his bros even deleted me, so I figured this must be serious. We were still talking on Gchat like nothing happened although I knew it was over then. On the following Monday, he messaged me about how my classes and I flipped out on him, I said, you don't leave someone you've been with for 2 years because of a bad month of fighting. He said, it wasn't just one month, and he's tried very hard to make me happy, and I can't guilt him to be back to me, because it is over, and he doesn't wanna come back to me. I asked why do you keep in touch with me then? He answered that, because he already promised me that he wasn't going to avoid me, that if he does, I'll be hurt even more, and that he's only human, he's still having emotional attachment to me; but if I want to move on, then I don't have to talk to him anymore or wait around, he understands. I begged him to think about our relationship one last chance, and he said to respect his space and he would. I also asked him why he changed his status, he said everytime he looked at it, he was reminded of the bad things, so he changed his facebook relationship status.

 

So I gave him about 2 weeks with VERY limited contact, blocking his gchat and facebook's subscribes, so I wouldn't have to be surrounded by him. I did give him a call in between those 2 weeks, he picked up and we caught up about what we were doing with our free time now that we're not spending time with each other, he said he spent a lot of time at the gym and so was I. I gave him another call 2 days later thinking that we were cool by now, but he picked up and said he doesn't think it's a good idea, he's not ready to talk yet. I waited for another week, and logged in to his Gmail (He gave me all of his passwords before, now he forgot to change it), and I saw a dinner reservation for two. I also saw a conversation between his friend and him that he was trying to take some girl on a first date and he was going to go shopping to get the perfect outfit. I was devastated, but who was I to blame? I tried to hook up with a guy who had been pursuing me after my breakup, but only to realize I wasn't ready to be with somebody else yet. I tried to contact him that night after I saw the reservation. Of course, I didn't say that I logged in his account. I told him that if he still had any feeling for me, he'd meet me one last time when he got out of work; I'd be waiting till 3am at the metro station. He replied and said that he didn't appreciate me waiting in front of his work, and there's nothing else to be talked about, he doesn't want to come back with me, he said he can't bear to see me cry again; he said if I want to talk, I can see him on Monday, now he's working.One thing I came to realization in these 3 weeks of limited contact is that, a lot of things started to come back to me from a different angle. And I started to see things from his point of view, and I truly realized that I had treated him like crap, and that he was my first relationship. I was inexperienced with the way I feel and how to deal with these emotions. So I sincerely apologized to him (he had said I never apologized for anything, there were many times he had to run back to say sorry to me even though he was right just to make me happy) that I didn't give him the respect he deserved and that I wish I didn't take him for granted. I also wrote if he was still free on Monday, let's grab lunch. I sent him that message, and he responded "Thank you. Let's grab lunch on Monday."

 

We met on Monday (this Monday) for the first time after 3 weeks. I tried not to talk about our relationship and we caught up. I also got to know that he isn't making a lot of money at work right now and that his mom got fired and she's decided to sell the house - the house that he was born and lived in since. He said when he got his tax return, he'd spend half to pay for the bills that had been piling up, and he's currently living on his saving account. He is stressed, I could tell. After lunch, he hugged me tight for a few minutes, he kissed my head and he told me that I'm going to be okay, that I should take care of myself because I looked like I lost a lot of weight. And he just left. He also asked to split the bill, which NEVER happened before in our relationship, even when we were just bootycalls, it was either me paying or him paying alternately.

 

After lunch, I felt bad for him, I sincerely felt bad for not being able to help him financially and help him with what he's going through right now: money, direction-less in life, mom getting fired, house has to be sold. I also recognized that what I had been doing is selfish, because I just tried to get him back to me for my own benefit because I'm lonely and I love him. But obviously his feelings have changed and he's going through a lot of stress right now, I should just let him go. So I gathered all the cash I had, the next day (Tuesday this week), I came to his house and I gave him all the money I had, I said that was to paid for the Macbook he bought me. I also told him that I regret not bettering myself to help him while we were together, and right now it hurt me badly that I can't do anything else for him. I also apologized again for the way I treated him, and that I finally understood why we ended things. I told him that I'll be here emotionally supporting him, but I'll also move on with my life. He told me that I shouldn't come to his house uninvited. I asked if he had already moved on, he said he's taking it day by day. He was open to me about the girl he tried to take on a date last Saturday, and that he left early because he didn't feel any connection to her. I also told him about the lawyer I tried to see after we broke up, I also realized that I wasn't ready to date anyone else yet. He said "We'll get there eventually." I let him know that my brother had gotten me a psych referral because of all of my problems; he said I should take it, because I have a lot of issues. When he saw me, he knew I was a sad person, but he wanted to make me happier, and he's tried. I was slightly offended, but I knew it was a good idea. I told him I'll go see the shrink, and work on my issues, because it was affecting our relationship, that I said the things I didn't mean, that I continuously pushed him away through small fights and everything. I asked if I could have all our framed pictures in his room back, he said no, he kept them in his closet (and he does because I opened his closet and saw them in there). I wondered why he keeps it, and he said, he's not like me - he accepts the past and cherishes them. So that's how we ended things. He said he doesn't hate me, and we need to be happy with ourselves before we can be happy with each other. He told me to let him know how my psych sessions go. I kissed him and left.

 

We haven't talked since, he hasn't deleted me off his facebook, he's still online on my gchat. I've determined to be there for him emotionally because he's going through a lot of things, but also decided to move on with my life and seek help. I'm letting him go, everyone. I figured, I should stop being selfish (because I only tried to get him back for my sake), and let him find his happiness if I really love him. Next week is my first psychiatrist appointment, I've decided to work on my issues for one or two months, also focus on school and gym, so I can be better and won't hurt anyone again. And maybe in April, I will give him a call to see where he's at. I guess, I just want to know if I have any lone string of hope. I've already given him absolute space because the man deserves it with the house/family stuffs he's going through, he doesn't need the emotional baggage I'm carrying. I'm planning to send him the rest of the cash I have to pay for the macbook through mail. I'm also wondering if you've ever gotten your ex back, not in a pushing/pulling situation, but more like a situation like mine - when we had too much fights and it led to a painful breakup.

 

I know I've written way too long, and I doubt anyone will read that completely, but if you do, I sincerely thank you in advance. Writing it down also helps me feel crazily better!

 

-Michelle