I don't know what to do/how to do it

[JessicaW]

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years this may. The longest relationship I have had prior to this was about 2 years. That relationship was bad. Very emotionally abusive. This one isn't like that but I feel like it's over. Not having all that anger to back up the decision is making it very hard for me. It's not that I don't care about my boyfriend it's just not what it used to be. I am constantly wondering why he is with me and feeling like it's more that he has nobody else and can't afford to live on his own than that he loves me. He is a survivor and if that's what it takes he'll do it. He stayed with his ex who was far worse for just as long. For the past two weeks I have been putting no effort into any kind of affection towards him and he hasn't even noticed. He's trading his car for a friends truck and is so stuck on that, that I don't exist. He hasn't showed any sexual interest in me either. Even before this is seemed like the only time he ever is very affectionate is when he wants sex. Whenever I try to say something about it he just tells me to stop or gets mad at me. Anytime I try telling him I feel like he is ignoring me he tells me it's my fault for some reason or another. He disregards my feelings every time I try to talk to him about this. I really just don't think I can do it anymore. I suck at this though, I don't know how to bring it up without it turning into a fight.

 

and I do care about him and don't want to hurt him but I still feel like it will. I don't know what he is going to do, or what I am going to do. neither of us can afford to move out on our own.

[pl3asehelp]

Why have you put no effort to be affectionate towards him for 2 weeks? Is this some kind of a test or punishment? Not everyone is physically affectionate outside of sex and that could have nothing to do with whether he loves you or not.

[JessicaW]

just to see if he even notices. and he hasn't. We joined a car forum a while ago, 2 years or so, and he got hooked. I got into it with him like everything else, I played WoW with him instead of getting mad. But he ignores me so badly it drives me crazy. I started off with telling him i didn't like being ignored like that and that if he didn't pay more attention to me in the long run it would cause problems. And I mean we would see each other maybe 4 hours a day and he would spend 3 of it on the site. I wasn't just being * * * * * y. Since this whole deal with him trading his car he is back at it worse than ever. I wanted to see if he would notice and he hasn't. And I know some guys are just not that way but it is not normal to go from being that way to not at all.

[JessicaW]

I guess I should also mention his lack of responsibility. He let his car sit broken down for 7 months and just used mine and left me at home without a car. I told him I wanted his car running before school started back up and he ignored me and just let it sit. I get a good tax refund and all of a sudden he wants to pay our friend to fix it. This friend decided to just trade him for his truck and so on. He has had 3 cars, when he can't fix it he just sells it and buys another that doesn't run saying he can fix it. I have had the same old car for 2 years now and when it brakes we fix it. when it comes to his he can't manage it though. He can't even remember out address or phone number because I will do it for him. He hasn't had a license or made any effort to pay off his tickets in the entire time I have known him (but takes my car daily). and so forth. All of this I saw as his downside, everyone has him, and he treated me great. I figured this was better than him making me feel worthless all the time. Now he doesn't even pay enough attention to me to notice that I'm pulling away

[pl3asehelp]

Well he sounds like a loser (to me) and I certainly see ample reason to leave him and probably plenty to have warranted never going out with him in the first place, but this game you're playing of withholding affection just to see if he notices is really immature. If you've tried to get him to talk and he won't, then it's time for you to go.

[JessicaW]

if your not going to be helpful why don't you just stay out of it. I know I need to break up with him. I don't know how to do it.

 

Being a woman, men try to convince you that you are always wrong or "crazy", maybe what I did was immature but it was my way of making sure it's not just me or in my head. the lack of him caring or noticing that i'm being totally different is enough for me to know I need to break up with him. That he really is not paying attention to me and I am not just being a "crazy woman" complaining about nothing. How about instead of telling me I'm immature you give me a suggestion for how to better go about this.

 

I don't need help with what I have done until this point. I need help with how to break up with someone when you feel bad about it because you still care about them. maybe this is the wrong place for that

[pl3asehelp]

You're going to feel bad about breaking up - everyone does, it's unavoidable. No two men are the same, so saying men try to convince women that they are crazy is just a generalization based on men you've been with. He could easily interpret your witholding affection move as something else - maybe he thinks you're depressed, maybe he thinks you're falling out of love, maybe he things you're not attracted to him - any number of things, which is why this tactic is just a bad idea and doesn't really prove what you think it proved. If you want to end it with him and be as kind as you can just tell him you're not in love with him anymore, that you've tried many times to tell him your needs aren't being met and he's refused to communicate with you about that - all true right? That's all it takes.

[JessicaW]

First off I'm sorry if my tone comes off as * * * * * y, I am stressed now so there may be a bit of that but thank you too. I'm also sorry if this seems like ranting, I just need to get it out. I have been holding all of this in for a long time.

 

Now, That comment wasn't based on my experiences. I know not all men are like that but it has been proven through out history. Men often have the opinion that women are below them and therefore their opinions matter less and so on. Not all men and not in all situations, but it does exist.

 

And I stand by what I said. He hasn't noticed a difference in me at all. He would say something if he had. When he feels like I am not being loving enough he usually does say something. So it's not that he feels i am no longer attracted to him, or thinks i'm depressed. He thinks nothing of it at all. That's the problem. That's why I feel like this is more of a survival thing for him than a real love.

 

He was homeless as a kid a lot. His mom was 14 when she had him so he learned by her example of living off people. I think he may not realize or be able to admit this though. He thinks he loves me...if that makes sense. He is not going to take it well and I'm scared of what he might do. Not to me necessarily. He has a history of drug abuse. He has been clean since about a year before we met. I know it's not my problem but I do care about him and I can't stand the idea of being the reason he goes back to it. My mom was an addict and killed herself so that's not something I can handle. And things like he won't have a bed. Most everything we have is mine. I can't just kick him out with nothing to his name.

 

Next relationship I won't be moving in with them for a long time. It really makes everything so much harder.

 

You make it sound so easy...I have never done this before though. Like i said the last guy was really bad so it was easy. This one has problems but the first 4 years were great. I have never connected with someone so easily in my life. I have a hard time with people in general. have no girl friends, and few guy friends. none of them are very close. There were plenty of reasons not to get with him to begin with but I don't regret it at all. He used to be a really great person. I got into old cars and am one of few girls that can fix most things that could go wrong with my car. He taught me a lot and we got into them together and learned a lot. The past year or so that person is just gone. He isn't the same.

 

And upon thinking about it I don't think I was withdrawing affection as a test. I think it's happening as a result of my feeling unloved. He's not putting in the effort so I stopped too. I don't want to kiss him or hug him anymore. it feels akward. When he says I love you I hesitate before saying it back. It's not a test. I guess there were a few times where I wanted to put my hand on his and stopped myself. I am just having a hard time admitting that I don't think I love him anymore. Even just typing that was hard.

[pl3asehelp]

I think I've made it sound simple, and it is. Simple is different from easy. This is surely not going to be easy at all.

[JessicaW]

Yeah that sounds about right. Thank you for reading and your help.

[Hollyj]

Well he sounds like a loser (to me) and I certainly see ample reason to leave him and probably plenty to have warranted never going out with him in the first place, but this game you're playing of withholding affection just to see if he notices is really immature. If you've tried to get him to talk and he won't, then it's time for you to go.

 

I agree! He is a loser!

 

Why are you sticking around, there is no future with this clown.

[Hollyj]

Any break up is painful. If you're not happy and he has not been fulfilling your needs, then you need to move forward.

 

Does this guy provide for the household or are you supporting him?

 

I just read your last post. You both have had difficult lives, but you're not responsible for what he does - he does sound like a survivor though. I mean, what are you going to do, stay with him until h decides to leave, you also have to be happy.

 

Please check out CODA for co-dependent personality.

[JessicaW]

I just took a psychology class in college. We are both very codependent. Drug addict mother and workaholic father. I never got enough attention as a kid so I make up for it now. I really need to be needed. I know he is just making me worse too. That is another on my list of reasons to leave.

 

We both pay bills but he has kids so he pays child support. That should have been enough to make me leave but I gave him the benefit of the doubt....and the mother is no help. she really did just up and leave with no word to him about where she went. And he has always paid child support without complaint. He makes no effort to see his kids though.

 

I feel like I need to defend him still. I wont go into complete detail but it really wasn't all his fault that he failed his children. He is doing nothing to fix in now though, He has a wonderful creative mind and we used to make a lot of art together and go camping and out to the hot springs. Now all we do is sit around watching tv getting fat. There used to be a person that was worth all the crap he came with. There really was. Its just long gone and I haven't wanted to admit it.

[JessicaW]

i asked him a few months ago what he would do. I have been thinking about this for a long time. I have known for a few years that I can't have kids with him but I am still not sure that's something I will ever do. Anyways he said he would find a roommate close to his work since a lot of college kids live over there and he'd just work a lot. I need to just tell myself that that is true and he will be fine.

 

I'm having a hard time with how to bring this up. He is all happy about the new truck he is getting and has no idea anything is wrong. To him this is going to come out of nowhere. I don't want to start a fight with him to bring it up. is it terrible to wait for him to do something again?

[Hollyj]

Please go to the support group, not just for this problem but for your future.

 

You need to remove yourself from this situation. Fast!

[JessicaW]

I don't know how to do this. I am still putting it off. I don't know how to bring it up. I feel guilty and am worried about what he is going to do. I don't want him to lose his job over this but he can't miss anymore days. he will get a week suspension un-paid if he misses 1 more day and if he misses 2 is fired. his work has a weird occurrence system. It resets in April but I can't wait that long. I can't fake it but I don't love him anymore. saying it on the phone is hard. Hugging him before he leaves is hard. I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to lead him on when I don't have these feelings anymore.

 

I don't know how to bring it up but I need to. I feel like my heart is going to burst out of my chest pretty much the whole time he is around. I can only calm down when he goes to work. If I don't do it soon I will have a serious panic attack. But I don't know how to do it.