Need Honest Opinion --This Guy's Excuse

[kitty1223]

Hi everyone,

 

I met a man online who I have been on 6 dates with over the course of 3 weeks. He is 42 (never married, no kids) and I am 33 (the same),

At first glance, we seemed to have a lot in common, same cultural background, and I found his masculine energy attractive. We have

had many long conversations on the phone, and he seems very affectionate; holding my hand and lots of kissing.

 

All of our dates have consisted of either dinner, drinks, movies, etc and our last date was Tuesday (my first time at his place).

 

I have noticed that I have seen him lots on Tuesdays (my only free weekday due to dance lessons and running) and

Fridays. However, he seems to be almost completely quiet on weekends (I did see him one Saturday).

 

I realize he works long hours and is really close to his family, as am I. But I can't help but get the feeling of he is not

all that interested in seeing me during the weekend. Here's why:

 

Last weekend, we decided to hang out on Friday since he said his brother and his family were coming to visit on Saturday for dinner (they live less than an hour away, he sees them weekly). I changed an appointment around to accommodate this, and we had a great time.

 

After our last date (at his place) on Tuesday, we decided to meet on Saturday. He even texted me all morning yesterday and told me what restaurant we would be going to, etc. Seemed excited.

 

4 hours later, i receive a text (not a phone call, which is another thing with him) telling me sorry, my brother decided to come to dinner on

saturday can we change to sunday?

 

I responded about an hour later saying i had plans sunday, he said he would call me later to figure it out. so after speaking with him last nite,

we decided to meet tuesday, but he threw in the preface "if we want to go to a nice restaurant it's going to be hard, as most need reservations--v day).

 

If it were me, and I know everyone is different, I would have told my brother/sister/etc, i have a date, but since you'll be at other relative's house, ill see you later.

 

Is it weird that he cancelled plans we already made for this? Is it really his brother?

 

I don't know if he is dating around, but my gut is flaring up, thinking he probably is, and instead of being honest about it, is hoping to keep things going. For what, Im not sure. There has been lots of sexual innuendo from the beginning which we more or less both participated in, but no sex at his place. we were both naked but I did not do anything to him. I didn't think there was anything wrong with that since he said many times he has no problem waiting and as long as we are on the same page with where we would liek this to go there is no rush.

 

Today, no texts at all from him, where usually we go back and forth in the mornings until one of us says have a good day.

 

Im just confused. I would appreciate any and all feedback, because I am aware due to my disastrous relationship history i tend to think the worst at times, but also, my isntincts are never wrong. this is jsut the first time im listening to them and backing away (i have not texted either)

 

Thank you

[pl3asehelp]

You were both naked in his house and you didn't do anything to him? Despite what he told you, I'm sure that was disappointing and probably a good reason why he might be losing interest.

[22n32]

You were both naked in his house and you didn't do anything to him? Despite what he told you, I'm sure that was disappointing and probably a good reason why he might be losing interest.

 

agreed.. finally agree on something.. haha jk

 

OP.. yeah theres only so much a man can take, we cant keep going round and round forever..

[OrangeMoon]

I dont know his family dynamic..but I call BS on the whole change of plans for the brother. My guess is that there is something going on with someone else during the weekend. For all you know this man is in some long distance relationship with someone who visits during weekends.

 

I would press to see him on weekends. If he keeps coming with lame excuses, cut him loose.

 

The weekend is supposed THE moment to engage in contact..weeknights and weekends..why?..because usually people have free time. I can accept when someone already made familyplans or whatever. But changing my date to have dinner with your brother???...If he takes me seriously as a possible future girlfriend, this to me is very strange. Unless he never sees his brother or its his birthday or something..otherwise..weird.

[Mustachio]

I dont really know. Making assumptions is never a good thing because you can either be right on or miles away from the truth.

 

Why dont you ask him if he is seeing anyone else, or at the very least talk to him about how you would like to see him more on the weekends and at least get the conversation started.

[kitty1223]

Hi, thanks for the quick replies. We both agreed that there is no rush on the physical part, but we are only human, so it went as far as it was going to go.

He did jokingly mention playing hookie the next day and I said oh no, you're the boss, they need you. If he seriously got turned off because of that, then I

don't want him anyway.

 

Orange Moon, I feel exactly the same way. He was completely free until about 2 pm yesterday when I reeived his text. His brother lives in NY and visits

weekly as their sister lives up the block from him so they do dinner. Also, the first week or so of meeting him, he drove to NY and spent the night at his

brothers. so I deduced that their visits are frequent and missing one dinner with your brother and sister is ok if you already have plans.

 

It boggles my mind, because if he is really as serious as he seems about finding the right person, and starting a family of his own, why do that, especially so

early on and when things seemed to be going so well?

 

As I mentioned, I am a highly intuitive sensistive person, and my instincts tell me he is seeing someone but does not want to admit it. I wish he would, because

it would, and be mature about it. 42! wow.

[kitty1223]

Hi Mustachio,

 

The fact that we set plans for V day was surprising to me. But i have a feeling he is goign to cancel those too, or that I may not hear from him

after last night at which point they will be cancelled by default.

 

If he had someone special, he would not have decided on Tuesday. Also, I did not show my disappointment, our conversation seemed normal last night,

and he said I guess Tuesday is that special night (i guess meaning we always end up meeting on tuesdays)...i said yes it is, hopefully we can make Saturday happen soon...saturday is prime time...lol...he laughed as did I but he should know that.

 

Im not a Sunday date kind of gal...lol

[JA0371]

Hmmm go with your gut..it is definitely tellling you something is amiss. It's usually right..make alternative plans for V day...in case...

[pl3asehelp]

I still think that though he agreed with you there's no rush on the physical part, the fact that you were naked in his house with him but didn't do anything for him was an ENORMOUS turnoff and that's the reason, though he was either too polite or just doesn't care enough about where this is headed to make a big deal out of that and wrote you off then and there. I'm assuming he did something for you?

[kitty1223]

It's never been wrong! I wish i had listened to it with my ex. at least with this guy, if it ends now, there's no 3 year saga to get over. thank you!

[kitty1223]

yes, he did and i didn't ask him to...there was mutual touching, kissing, etc so it's not like I was laying there waiting to be serviced. He was very enthusiastic yesterday up until that text message....does the light bulb go off at 2 pM as opposed to first thing in the morning that he wasn't interested?

[Thorshammer]

Why dont you just ask him? Woman-up and tell him you want to meet him on xxx day- if he blunders an excuse- boom, "why is it that we dont go out on xxx days?"

 

It could be anything, he could be married, divorced, has children, still active in dating. His age has nothing to do with it. Everyone keeps throwing around age, even in my post that say i give immature advice as if it had an age-range, yet i know many older-men (and learned from them)- and there is no factor outside experience that matters.

 

As for sex, i can be quite a horn-dog, and i can be very dismissive of women quickly for many things. But, when it comes to sex, i can wait- its actually respectful, and it sends all sorts of commitment loyalty vibes (though i will be honest and say i wont wait forever- there is a point where i will start thinking she is buying time and just wont have sex because she is still deciding on commitment with me or not).

 

If he cancels v-day on you, then your flags should go way up.

[22n32]

yes, he did and i didn't ask him to...there was mutual touching, kissing, etc so it's not like I was laying there waiting to be serviced. He was very enthusiastic yesterday up until that text message....does the light bulb go off at 2 pM as opposed to first thing in the morning that he wasn't interested?

 

i think u might be overreacting a little.. just wait too see what the next few days brings..

 

action speaks louder then words....

[abitbroken]

You have only seen him for 6 dates! I am sorry, but you haven't known him long enough for him to bump his family's plans. When my bf and I were first dating, his family has a family dinner with extended family once a month and he usually knows when it is, but sometimes it changes. He did not invite me to it (nor should he have) and he told me that the dinner was changed to that particular weekend. He did see me the next day. Now I am invited to those, but I most definitely was not in our first couple of months of dating.

 

As time goes by, if you have plans that you have tickets for, etc, I am sure that he will tell his family he is busy, or you will eventually be invited, but you have just met this guy really. If you see him twice a week, that's only three weeks. At this point you are "starting to date." You aren't deep into an LTR and are just getting to know him.

 

If you are unsure, I would ease up on the naked stuff and continue to try to meet him places for dating.

[Deciduous]

Hi kitty1223,

 

Hmm. I see! He keeps you safely compartmentalized in a secure and contained area of his life. Heaven forbid that the relationship sprawls messily into his personal or home life as they are apt to do. This gentlemen is deliberately keeping you at arms length. Yes, there may well be another woman in the background, but my money is on a different scenario.

 

The relationship is deliberately not allowed to progress because he isn't about to let that happen.

 

Consciously he believes he is looking for a wife. Unconsciously, there are deep seated wounds that stop any relationship from getting that far. It has up until the age of 42 and on his present trajectory it will still be in play when he is 84.

 

This isn't a case of "he just hasn't meant the right person" this is a case of "He is unable to form deep abiding attachments. He will not let some-one in to get to know him warts and all.

 

Essentially a relationships with him is like drive a car down the freeway, with the hand brake engaged. I imagine there is a broken engagement or such, in his past, from which he failed to recover. Or there are major issues within the family which preclude all efforts to break away. Take your pick.

 

Either way we end up with a person unable to commit and provide you with the type of intimate commitment you are hoping for. It is beyond him. Let us be clear about that. Step any closer, Kitty and you will hit a major landmine. You will be stopped in your tracks.

 

This man is not going to change. He doesn't even know why he is doing this. He is unaware that there is a problem. He is 42 now and shows no interest in getting to the route of his issues.

 

Deci xxx

[kitty1223]

Thanks for the insights, everyone.

 

I agree, we haven't known each other that long, I was just a bit surprised that we made plans prior to this dinner coming up, and he cancelled. If it was the other way around, I most definitely would not have expected him to choose a date with me over his family (at this stage).

 

I sent him a quick text a little while ago, just saying hello, maybe he will respond, maybe he won't. Again, not responding would not be unsual if we didn't text all that much to begin with. But to go from tons of texting to nothing overnight, is weird to me.

 

I have dealt with all kinds of men before, including the extreme emotionally unavailable, a conversation would be nice from his end...I have initiated texts and accomodated schedules (last week) enough in the short time we have known each other.

[Stay_home]

For most people the weekend is the time to hangout and do extracirricular activity, but that doesn't always apply to everybody. Regardless if it's a Tuesday or a Saturday, it's a day, take what is available to you. I don't know if I believe the excuse with the brother. I don't understand that and I don't understand why the two of you were naked at his house and nothing happened.

[kitty1223]

I guess he is deciding not to respond. Again, not sure what I did wrong, and what could've changed so quickly.

[EmmaB78]

Kitty - I wouldn't give up just yet. Sure, he could be seeing someone else - but since it's only been 6 dates, if you haven't talked about it, then that seems fair (That's why I have these conversations WAY early. I won't date a guy who is seeing two people at once). But I don't actually think his brother excuse sounds crazy - sounds like it's something they do all the time so maybe he just felt bad saying no or maybe he didn't want to tell his brother he had a date because he wanted to avoid questions. And you posted that you texted him, and then like 15 min. later said, "Oh, I guess he's not responding." While I do try to reply to texts right away when I can, there have been many times when it's taken me hours, and it had nothing to do with the other person. At least wait until tomorrow and see what happens.

[EmmaB78]

Oh, one more thing - I totally disagree on the, 'How dare you lay naked with him and not have sex!' line of thought. It's SIX dates, people. Not six months. If that really does have anything to do with it then count your blessings. If you don't even know if you're exclusive, then you did the right thing in not sleeping with him. Doesn't mean you have to have no intimacy at all. Sheesh.

[The_Seeker]

I remember a guy did that to me. He canceled on our date before the day happens and we didn't reschedule.

 

I take that as not interested. It happened twice with different guys.

 

If I were you I changed the plan to the weekend again. If he doesn't, then you're in multi dating with him.

[kitty1223]

hi, i'll see what happens, but now Im just turned off...it is surely my ego making me wonder what I did wrong, logically I should know better...and should have not assumed he was not the kind of guy Im afraid he is turning out to be. I suppose it is better than having someone swoop me and sweep me of my feet like the last joker...thanks all

[Deciduous]

Hi Kitty,

 

 

I have initiated texts and accomodated schedules (last week) enough in the short time we have known each other.

 

Precisely. Right now you are doing all the running. It's always you who has to fit into his schedule? You making allowances for his plans. Why is this? The more anxious you become, the more work you put in. It is not helping you. The more you start chasing the more he starts running. Have you considered stepping back from the situation and objectively assess what is going on.

 

Less you have forgotten, YOUR SELF ESTEEM IS NOT CONNECTED TO THIS MAN'S APPROVAL. Let us be clear. Nothing has changed quickly. He showed obvious signs of unavailability along the way. Breaking dates at the last minute. Dropping you the moment family decided to pop round. Earmarking weekends as no go zones. Does this sound like a man capable of a long term and giving relationship. Are you actually reading the comments on this posting? Because you don't seem to be absorbing them right now.

 

Things have not happened "all of sudden."

 

You hint that you want more, he disappears. So far things have been on his terms. I know that you had high expectations for this relationship. It is bitterly painful and disappointing when things don't work out as we expect. Take back control. Stop running and stand still. If he needs to contact you he knows what your number is.

 

Essentially this man DID NOT provide with the things you wanted from a relationship. Your hurt comes from your natural expectations on how the future would go. However, a problematic present does not bode well for a happy future.

 

Cry your tears. Get mad, but be be aware that this is your own private battle and this guy is clearly not in position to offer you what you want or need in a relationship. Stop looking to him to heal you. Even if he does come back it will be more of the same. You will travel down the same road. Take a breath and for godsake consider the advice given in this post and others.

 

 

Stop doing. Start thinking

 

Deci xxx

[kitty1223]

Thank you again for the post! I think i know deep down inside that every time I have felt this icky feeling, it is worth paying attention to.

My problem is I felt it, they made it up to me and I forgot about it--lather, rinse, repeat. Only for years later to wish I never laid eyes on them (my last two exes, 10 years of my life).

 

I absolutely will heed your advise, and I think I will feel more comfortable not even wondering anymore. There isn't anything to wonder about, is there?

I think if he was the kind of man I wanted, I would be over the moon rigt now instead of trying to decipher his actions and silence. Even my psychotic

ex had me thinking i hit the jackpot for at least a few months. This one, not so much.

 

Thanks again

[OrangeMoon]

very insightful post

 

But before you think about saying goodbye..just ask him pointblank about the weekends..and tell him how it makes you feel. No matter what you need to accept yourself and your own feelings. There's no need beating around the bush about the person you are. If you ask and he dislikes that or pulls back because the questions did not feel good to him or whatever..then you know and you dont have to waste any time with eachother. You were naked physically..now be naked emotionally. in the end its the latter that is the most important thing anyway. Time is too precious..we learn..we move on. At some point someone will stick around who is right for you..

 

And guys in there 40s ..many have baggage..just like we do. We all deal with our failures in life differently. Dont let it guard your heart, just accept it for what it is..a process..