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Is my friend being the "nice" guy? And am I being the jerk?


Guitarist

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A friend of mine was dumped after a 1+ year relationship about 1 or 2 months ago. He took it pretty hard, but he's been seeing another girl the past couple of weeks. I ended up meeting this girl about 2 weeks ago. I noticed right away that she is a very flirty person. I am as well, and we ended up exchanging numbers and texting since the night we met. We've hung out as a group a few times, and the more we've been together (albeit in a group) and texted, the more flirty she has gotten with me. It's gone from "playful" flirting to "I'm interested in you" flirting.

 

I've felt pretty guilty about it, so I went to my friend to talk to him about the situation. He's completely okay with the idea of both of us hanging out with her, but it doesn't mean he's not interested in her either. I think he wants her to decide for herself.

 

My friend's a really good guy...But I don't know if he's being TOO nice of a guy. He treats her well, and he's respectful to her. Just the other day, he wanted to talk to me because he's been thinking of asking her to be exclusive with him. While he was telling me about this, she texted me to confirm a date we set up the night before...I didn't have the heart to show him that. Not to mention that while we were setting up this date via text last night, I'm pretty sure she was hanging out with my buddy.

 

I was finally able to hang out with the girl one-on-one for a short time last night. It was pretty weird, just because up until then she's been really flirty with me. But when we were together, she seemed really shy. She wanted to spend time with me, but the whole flirtatious act she was putting on wasn't there. It was still enjoyable to be able to talk with her and get to know her, but it was still kind of odd. I honestly expected that we would hook up if we were alone together, but it just didn't happen. We actually ended up hanging out with the other guy and a 4th person for a little while by the end of the night.

 

For what it's worth, a mutual friend told me that she is interested in me and my friend. The mutual friend told me she's torn between the both of us. I'm not really sure where to go from here though.

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I'd be honest with your friend first about your interest in her and if you value your friendship with him, you should offer to back off since he was dating her first. I don't think he's being 'too' nice, in fact I think it's wise and brave of him to tell her he wants to be exclusive. Now it's up to her. I would say he's being too nice if he tells her he wants to be exclusive and she refuses and he continues seeing her. You gotta tell your friend what's going on between you two though if you value your friendship.

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The thing is, I strongly believe my friend is rebounding pretty hard from his relationship. Other than the fact I have a small crush on this girl as well, I don't think it would be wise for my friend to get into a relationship with ANYBODY right now. I don't think it would be fair for her to be with someone who probably isn't completely over somebody else. I've been that guy who was with someone else even though I wasn't over a previous person, and the person I was with ended up just getting fed up with my emotional distance. So I'm pretty conflicted about this situation.

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Look, now you're just rationalizing what you want. How do you know what is in his head? Is he your boy? Bros before hos! If you think you're doing him a "favor" then well you're being selfish. I'd tell him that she was setting up the date the other day too. But, that is just me.

 

I'm not saying don't go for the girl. But, let him know! Also, do you really want to lose a friendship over a girl? Never worth it.

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My friend and I have talked about this. I actually went to him. He was VERY understanding. He likes her, but I don't think he's really "fighting" for her either. He hasn't told her that he wants to be exclusive, because he wanted to see how I felt about that first. And I know that he started hanging out with her first, but it's not like she's an object either, where he gets to keep her just because he "saw her first."

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The thing is, I strongly believe my friend is rebounding pretty hard from his relationship. Other than the fact I have a small crush on this girl as well, I don't think it would be wise for my friend to get into a relationship with ANYBODY right now. I don't think it would be fair for her to be with someone who probably isn't completely over somebody else. I've been that guy who was with someone else even though I wasn't over a previous person, and the person I was with ended up just getting fed up with my emotional distance. So I'm pretty conflicted about this situation.

 

Whether he's ready for a new relationship or not is up to him to decide. You could certainly offer that advice to him as his friend, but you would have to be honest with him that you are interested in her and that you two are dating otherwise he'll see your advice as just a means to get him out of the way so you can have her.

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I think this is a pretty rough of you dude. This guy got dumped, met someone new and you came in and started flirting with her?

 

You need to step back or you are going to ruin your friendship I think.

 

I already feel like an ass about the situation. The fact he's totally okay with it kind of just makes me feel more guilty though. Not for anything, but I haven't exactly been in a relationship in a while myself. He has said multiple times that no matter what happens we don't need to lose our friendship over this. He's being a total bro about the whole thing tbh, but I'm not sure if he's being so nice that the girl is going to assume he'll just stick around if she picks somebody else.

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So if you go out with her, and you see her texting, are you gonna wonder if she's setting up a date with another guy? What a way to start a relationship, eh?

 

Very good point. Like I said, she's a flirty person. For what it's worth, she's not a * * * * at all. She's actually a virgin, purity ring and everything. She just makes herself out to be this huge flirt.

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Back off! Cause if you keep going at it, I can tell you exactly what will happen. She might very well "pick" you, but then when she doesn't like something you do or you have an argument she's going to try to get back with him. Then again if she really can't decide between the two of you, she might just like the attention more than she likes either of you! Also, what if she meets another one of your friends and he clicks with her? What then? This is not a game, this is real life. Think of your friend, and think realistically of how this girl is behaving.

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I'm going against the grain here: I see nothing wrong with what you're doing as you talked to your friend and were upfront about things. Maybe he really doesn't like it but eh, it's not your problem if he can't tell you the truth.

 

I don't know how old you guys are, but you never know who's going to be your future wife, so it'd be a shame if you stepped out of the way when she could've been special.

 

Or maybe I'm just a jerk.

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No. No no no no no. Not cool at all. It would be different if this was just a casual friend of yours, but it sounds like your pretty good friends with this guy. You should never have exchanged numbers with her. I've dated guys before who's friends showed clear interest in me, and sometimes I was interested back. But I would NEVER have actually pursued anything with those guys, and I was just the "new girl" - not even a gf. The fact that you, being the person who actually SHOULD have loyalty to this guy, did this. No. Just no.

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