In Doubt And Require Advice in My 400 Mile Relationship

[IanHeather]

I hope that the length of my post will not deter people from reading it, as I would greatly appreciate their advice on my dilemma.

 

To set the "scene" -------

 

About 50 years ago I courted a girl who attended my school.

We enjoyed each others company tremendously and in fact, we both gained our first sexual experience with each other during this time.

It did not, sadly, involve actual intercourse.

 

In pursuance of his employment, my Father moved our family to an area some 400 miles away, in fact to a different Country.

Sadly, in those days, there was no email or mobile phones, and, as I was about to embark on a lengthy period of Further Education, all contact was lost between us.

 

Nearly 5 years were to pass before I met up with her again, during my visit to her home town.

It was at this time I learned that, shortly after my leaving, she had had an "unwanted" child by someone whom we had both known, and who she now says she had no feelings for at the time of conception.

 

The child was given up for adoption, but about forty years later she set out to "find" the child, and she has been successful in doing this during the past year or so.

She has seen the "child" and they have struck up quite a good friendship, and now meet on a frequent but irregular basis.

She has told her older Sister of her "find", but has so far not informed her Son of 30 yrs.

The Father of this child was not interested in the child, and has since died.

 

My "Girlfriend" went on to marry, at the age of 27 yrs, a man in the Services.

By all accounts he was a womaniser, and addicted to gambling.

That is in her telling, but is well supported by his Brother whose emails I am occasionally allowed to see.

 

Their relationship obviously headed in a downward direction, as a result of his many "one night stands", and after a while she started an affair (sexual and social) with a man, also in the same "Service".

As things got worse at home, the man with whom she was having an affair, asked her to leave her Husband and move in with him.

Her refusal to do so, and quite possibly the manner in which she refused (speculation on my part) caused this man to commit suicide.

 

Some more years went by, and a divorce from her Husband was completed and she and her Son started an independent life, whilst her Husband moved in with his Girl-friend.

He, her Ex, died of cancer just after Christmas last year.

 

Some time elapsed after the divorce, about which I know nothing, before another old school chum came on the scene and they started going together.

 

Their relationship seemed quite good, not only according to what she has told me, but what I have learned over the past year or so.

 

He passed away about two years ago, and I came on the scene about a year later.

 

They never set up home

together, he having his own flat some 10 miles from hers, and she assures me that he never stayed at her flat if there was any likelihood of her Son appearing on the scene.

Despite her Son knowing of his existence, she did not like him (Son) to be confronted with a man being in his Mother's bed.

 

Her Son is very introverted, quite well educated and (in my opinion) quite selfish and thoroughly spoiled and overly cosseted by her.

He has recently married to a girl of about 8 years his junior, and they reside in a flat some 40 minutes drive from his Mother's house.

 

When we "re-started" our relationship, (just over 18 months ago) and on the evening of our first meeting, she indicated that sex was an important element in her life, but assured me that she had had no actual sex following the death of her previous boy-friend, I, on that night of our first meeting, being her first time.

 

In view of the distance between us, I am only able to visit her about once every 4-6 weeks.

When we first started communicating, we exchanged about 10-12 emails per day, but as things "progressed", these (on her side) reduced to, now, about 1-4 per day, but we do spend about 1/2 to 1 hour on the phone each night.

She says the reduction in her emails is due to pressure of work as she has just changed jobs and her new office is much busier than the last, and she now has less opportunity to email.

 

During my visits, I have discovered that she will quite often disconnect the phone so that it cannot be heard to be ringing.

When I have questioned her about this, she has responded by saying that she does not want my time with her to be disturbed by lengthy phone calls from her girl-friends and other relatives.

 

When we are together, at almost every door bell ring, we have to go into a state of quiet in case it is anyone who may be required to be let in, and then my presence would have to be explained away.

 

On one occasion, when we were in a Cafe, and having just had our tea delivered to the table, she suddenly jumped up and urged me to get back to the car as she had just seen a couple whom she knew, (friends of her previous Boyfriend) and did not want them to see us.

This actually backfired on her, for as I had just got to the car, she bumped straight into the couple, and was subsequently forced to introduce me.

 

During a recent visit, I had gone to wait for her in my car, and became aware of another car which had pulled up and parked on the opposite side of the road.

The driver was a woman, and upon my Girlfriend coming out the house, I saw them both engaging in conversation.

When my Girlfriend got into my car, I learned that the woman was in fact her Sister (true) but, despite telling her Sister that she was being taken out for dinner, declined to introduce me as it would necessitate her (GF) in a lengthy explanation as to who I was.

Her Sister knew of my having courted her some 50 years ago, so I doubt much explanation would in fact have been required.

 

Recently, and by a complete accident, I happened to come by some information which led me to make certain enquiries, resulting in the fact that I discovered that she lunches with a prominent member of staff of the organisation in which she works.

These lunches, have a regularity of 2-4 times per week, varying if he is out of the Country or away on business.

He is aged 74 yrs (9 yrs older than she) and is quite a high profile person, and married.

 

When I tackled her about him, she tried to fob me off with another of her colleagues, who is in his 80's, but I made it clear to her that I positively knew different.

She also declared that there were "several" such people with whom she lunched, but I don't see that if she is with him 2-4 times.

 

I also challenged her about another of her male "friends" whom she had mentioned during our many conversations, but with whom, she assured me, she had had no contact for a long time.

He lives in Canada, but occasionally comes to the UK and, as he has family connections quite close to her, I believe he visits my Girlfriend whenever possible, although perhaps only once per year.

There are certain things which she has told me are "exclusive" to me, e.g. my ability to understand certain things in her life; the ease with which she can converse with me on a wide range of subjects; and certain things she claims to have told no one other than myself.

However, I have found similar references contained in communications between herself and he.

 

I also suspect she may recently have been "found" by a male (Thanks Facebook) who may have lived close by to her family home, and with whom she is now in communication.

 

Having re-read this prior to posting, I think I have possibly convinced myself of where I should go next, and what my next course of action should be.

 

However, having made many mistakes in my past, and possibly being too close to things to be totally rational, I would greatly appreciate the advice of anyone out there in this huge world.

 

Thank you for having read this anyway, and good luck to you all.

 

Ian

[pl3asehelp]

She's hiding something from you undoubtedly and at the same time hiding you from somebody(s). Do you really want to be with someone doing this? Playing detective? I'm sure whatever it is that you find you won't be happy about. I'd make it simple - tell her it's obvious to you she's hiding something and give her one chance to be honest about it. If she does and you're ok with whatever it is great. Most likely though she won't reveal whatever it is and just get defensive in which case you'd be much better off with someone who doesn't need to hide various parts of their life from others for whatever sketchy reason.

[IanHeather]

She's hiding something from you undoubtedly and at the same time hiding you from somebody(s). Do you really want to be with someone doing this? Playing detective? I'm sure whatever it is that you find you won't be happy about. I'd make it simple - tell her it's obvious to you she's hiding something and give her one chance to be honest about it. If she does and you're ok with whatever it is great. Most likely though she won't reveal whatever it is and just get defensive in which case you'd be much better off with someone who doesn't need to hide various parts of their life from others for whatever sketchy reason.

 

Hi pl3asehelp

 

You are absolutely correct in all you have said.

Even tonight I have found she has spent the past 11/2 hours (and continuing) on the phone to the guy from Canada who is visiting in the UK at present.

Thanks for your views.

Ian