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Getting closure. Bit Extreme? Dumper's Perspective?

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So I wrote on enotalone a week or so ago about my co-worker ex and all the craziness dealing with him.


Well anyways, after a lot of drama happened at work, him and I are on speaking terms again. Not Best Friends Forever speaking terms, but at least civil and nice, even maybe an occasional joke.


I realized that by doing No Contact, he felt he was winning, basically cause he kind of told me that. I realized that no matter what, the consequences of his actions, and the fact that he's now in a relationship with my worst bully, really is a clear sign to me that I would never take him back or give him another chance.


I'd rather kill him with kindness, in the sense that I will be nice to him, and either one day he'll realize how badly he screwed me over, or maybe he won't, but it doesn't matter anymore, because I will never give him another chance to be with me in that way.



ANYWAYS....so recently I asked him if he could give me back these 2 love letters I had written him. They were very important to me, and he basically cried over one of them. They outlined so many things I loved about him, and all of our good memories. I wrote them when I was at a really low point in our relationship, sort of as a last hope. I want them back because having them back would be final closure for me. I actually feel like if I had those letters, a physical tangible representation of all the memories we had together, i'd be able to throw them out, and forget we were even together.


I asked for these letters, and he was pissed off. He told me they represent good times to him, and I get that he probably just wants them to reflect and give himself an ego boost. But quite frankly...he doesn't deserve to have them anymore. He does not deserve something clearly defining the love I had for him. I want those letters back. I even told him that if he had thrown them out, that'd be okay, I just want them either trashed or given back so I can trash them.


From the dumper's, or guy's perspective, is that sort of extreme for me to want them back? like i'm not taking no for an answer, and if he's with his new girlfriend, he should give them back anyways.


He had the entire work week to give me them, and he still hasn't. So last night I texted him, reminding him to bring them, and he ignored my text.


Like I said, I feel like if I have them back, I gain some sense of control of the past, and to me they were very monumental, and he should not have possession over them anymore. Thoughts?

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A letter is like a gift -- no take backs. You meant them when you wrote them --- you just don't want him to have them anymore. Unfortunately, the more you focus on them, the more "valuable" you make them. Forget about it --- getting them back doesn't change the fact you wrote them, that he has read them. They are part of your past --- not your future.

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First off, I think your plan of being on polite speaking terms is great. No contact is not always the way to go, and it can just make stuff totally worse when you are talking about coworkers.


Regarding the love letters, he's under no obligation to give them back and he's perfectly entitled to keep them. When you give somebody something, it becomes theirs. What they do with it is their business. I never even considered asking for the things I gave my ex back--in fact I've never asked any ex for anything back except that ONE, and those were "naughty pics," something logic dictated I at least had to TRY to get back.


It bothers me that my most recent ex has a few very affectionate mementos of our "relationship," and sometimes I hope they will spontaneously ignite into flames so he will no longer have the pleasure of having them. But I'm not going to ask for them back, something about that seems childish, or like I'd be trying to still have control over him in one area, even if it's only the area that mails me back my gifts. I would be very upset if my ex asked for such things back.


So I understand how you FEEL, but I think you need to accept his refusal to return them and continue with your plan of polite contact.

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You come accross as bitter and mean, and whilst that is a normal reaction, it's best to pass through it before making any more decisions. Those letters are his, and trying to forget you were ever together is the same as cutting of part of your body. In the end, you are only hurting yourself. You are hurt, and that's fine, but do your healing and closure on your own, and leave him alone. Those letters are his now.


In time, all this won't matter.

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I got an extra sting from this kind of thing when I moved out (I'm the dumpee). We were long distance for the first few months until I could move to her city for school. Right before I moved there, I made her this really elaborate paper model of a ship from a sci-fi show she really liked. It took about a month, a few hours of hard work every day, and I surprised her with it once it was done.


About a year into the relationship I moved in, but she broke up with me a few months later. When I started talking about packing up to move, she said there's no way I was taking the model, because it was the best gift she's ever gotten and she was keeping it no matter what. We reconciled and got back together though, so I stayed and things were better for another 6 months or so.


This time, when she broke it off again and I moved all my stuff out, she asked me if I wanted it back. No regard for what she had said about it, no sentimental value, nothing. I told her no, I made it for her, she can keep it. I wonder if she put it away, or destroyed it, or threw it out. She doesn't throw much out, but the cold tone she had makes me think she was really getting rid of every trace of me.

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I had a similar situation but on the other end-my ex gave me a teddy bear when we first met. Down the line when he said he was falling in love with me, he got me a stuffed animal, because I'd told him that when I was a child, my stuffed animals were taken away and this had hurt me deeply (they thought I had allergies because of them.)


I gave all of my ex's things still at my house to a mutual friend to give back to him, right after my ex broke up with me. I was sorely tempted to put the stuffed bear and the other stuffed animal in the bag with his things. Then i thought, that just makes me look kind of petty. I used to do that with a previous ex..whenever we broke up I'd give him back the gifts he gave me. He said that always hurt and puzzled him. I guess that's what I was trying to do at the time, but now it seems like petty gameplaying and manipulation. Same as asking for the gifts you gave him, back. I think your'e just trying to hurt him.

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