Am I being a tool? Nice guys finish last...?

[SurferDude]

I'm starting to wonder if I'm a tool. Bit of a complex situation (sorry for the length):

 

I work as a freelance editor/tutor, and got a gig from a girl to go over her resume/grad school essays and tutor her for the exams. Worked with her for a few months and developed a really good relationship - we have lots of things in common and we'd chat for hours outside of our regular structured time. I started thinking about asking her out. I felt it'd be unprofessional if I asked her out while she's a client so I told her I was interested in her, "resigned", and asked her out. We went out a few times after that (dinner, running, that sort of thing). I still worked with her but stopped accepting her $ - we'd meet up a few times a week to go over things and usually get dinner after. I usually paid.

 

We never really moved beyond the casual stage - she mentioned early on that she was too busy to be in a relationship and I shouldn't expect anything serious for now, and I was all right with that - she seemed worth waiting around for. She also mentioned she had some "unresolved issues" with her ex - she broke up with him 6 months ago mainly because she started getting busy/stressed with things and felt like she couldn't handle being in a relationship with everything else. Apparently she never told him why she broke up with him, and he never asked, even though they went out for 3 years. The last few weeks she's been really burnt out - stressed out with her job and grad school apps and she also does a lot of nonprofit work on the side. She got one of her pharm friends to get her some anti-anxiety meds, which she started taking. I've read a few anxiety and stress-relief books so I could be supportive and understand what she's going through.

 

Anyways, we meet up last week to help her with her stuff and she tells me she thinks it'd be best if we stopped seeing each other. She said she had a talk with her ex because she wanted to explain to him why she broke up with him, and she realized she still has feelings for him, and he still has feelings for her - she didn't think they would ever get back together but she said she felt it was unfair for me to keep being supportive and helpful (AKA "the nice guy") and she felt guilty hanging out with me since her ex still has feelings for her. * * * is that about? If your ex (who YOU broke up with) hasn't gotten over you, you can't hold hands with another guy? (we haven't progressed beyond the holding hands, hugging, good-night kiss stage - she wanted to keep things casual for now). I'm stunned by this and tell her I feel like I've been used. She says that if it makes me feel better, she'll promise to cut things off with her ex - she just doesn't want to deal with complications right now. This completely blows me away - if the problem isn't her ex, what's the problem? She says she'd like to still be friends - I tell her I feel really hurt by all this to which she responds "I didn't know you felt so strongly about it. I told you I wanted to keep things casual. Now that I know you like me so much, I really don't want to see you again. I don't want that kind of pressure." I felt down for a few days (I really like her and I've been trying to be supportive and helpful for the past 5 months) and then sent her an email saying I understand she's going through a tough time and if she wants to go back to being friends, we can. She replies back saying that she doesn't want to deal with me right now.

 

I'm totally confused - I've been patient, considerate, and careful not to put any pressure on her, and we had a really good friendship. I'd be okay with just being friends, but for me to suddenly be erased from her life is really confusing to me. Why wouldn't you want to be friends with someone you have fun with and who's caring and nice? Was I just being used? She's been a big part of my life for the past 5 months - for her to suddenly go AWOL makes me feel confused and depressed.

[luminousone]

She has been fairly straightforward with you and you just need to listen to her and believe her.

 

If she says she is not interested, I would not take that personally - it just sounds like she is caught up in school, still emotionally tied to her ex, and has major anxiety issues - and possibly commitment issues as well.

 

Honestly it almost sounds like she and you got too close and she is using the ex to keep you at bay.

 

She obviously is not ready for that kind of relationship and it is best if you go NC and move on as she has asked you to do.

[lustrous]

She said she doesn't want to deal with you, so move on. That's about as harsh as it gets, in my opinion. She was upfront from day 1 that she wanted to keep it casual, and it sounds to me like she's not ready for a commitment. Three years is a long time to date someone and have it end (regardless of who ends it). She's probably still sorting out her feelings. Mope around a week or two tops, then pick yourself back up and move on. There are plenty of girls who want a nice guy who treats them well.

 

I used to be that commitment-phobic girl. I never was that outright harsh with people, but I would literally have a panic attack if someone tried to get me to become emotionally invested and committed.

[SurferDude]

Thanks for the great advice everyone. If only I found this site sooner! I wish there was something I could do to help her but it seems like paradoxically the best way for me to do that is to go NC. I hate losing a friend though, we had really good times and conversations together, even before we started dating. Should I check in with her (email, I suppose) in a few months just to see how things are going?

 

I knew she had some relationship issues in the past - she was married for 5 years but was cheated on a few times so she divorced him. I suppose her ex bf was the rebound - but it seems one of the major reasons she broke up with him besides that she was stressed out was the fact that she wanted to live together and he didn't have any plans to commit. So I'm not sure exactly what she's phobic to... maybe relationships in general.

 

FreedomCorp, are you a sociologist by any chance? You're very precise and scientific with your language. I suppose my chance to build attraction with this one is gone, but any tips you have for the future would be great I tuned down the assertiveness and flirtatiousness with this one since I knew she was going through a rough time and didn't want to come on too strong, but I suppose maybe that was what bit me in the end.

[luminousone]

I would not contact her again.

 

I really don't think her issues are going to go away for a long time, so it is simply best if you move on... She sounds very complicated emotionally and I bet it will take years for her to sort herself out...

[Tom1990]

I think if the friendship was strong enough, she may very well come back into your life. But I don't blame her for backing off completely. You took her by surprise when you confessed to a deeper level of emotional attachment than she expected. Best to respect her wishes and let her process this on her own for now.

[Stay_home]

She was completely honest with you from the beginning about her position, you've got to give her that. Let it go and move on.

[mrtango]

Surferdude, first of all, in my humble opinion it's not about you. It's not about being a nice guy.

She also mentioned she had some "unresolved issues" with her ex

she realized she still has feelings for him, and he still has feelings for her

See? It's about her and her feelings... She has feelings for her ex. Not for you.

 

And second of all, you create comfort for her. You were a good friend. But comfort without attraction = friendship. When you explain your intentions to her with your words and actions, she realized that you want more than friendship but she doesn't feel attraction to you.

 

I know it seems unfair, but you should understand that it's not a logical thing. It's about her emotions that's why it seems unfair to you.

 

I think I am a nice guy too and in my past, I thought sometimes the same way as you: Nice guys finish last. But now, I know the difference, if you can create attraction and a comfort zone (with your nice guy attitude) you can be an ideal boyfriend for each girl. So it's not a true saying. It's my humble opinion.

[somethngwrng]

I stopped reading at "too busy for a relationship".

 

Noone is "too busy for a relationship". It's the equivalent of saying "I don't want romantic meetings with you". If you are attracted to someone you try to organise meetings in your spare time.

 

Move on.

[Gerda]

I felt it'd be unprofessional if I asked her out while she's a client so I told her I was interested in her, "resigned", and asked her out.

I found this odd, and I think I'd find it odd if I had been in her shoes. Might have been your first misstep. What if she wasn't interested? You just up and resign as her tutor and tell her you're interested? What if she was somewhat interested, but not sure? Well, now she's just lost her tutor and she's got this pressure to make it worth it to him to have resigned. I think what you did was thoughtful and logical and respectful, but maybe a little over the top. It's the kind of thing that would have been dashing and romantic if she was already really interested in you and wanting something more, but to do that before that point might have come accross as a little jarring. It's not appropriate for a tutor to hit on a client, but I think you should have waited for more clear indications that she was interested before making the jump to resigning. It's almost rude for you to have quit--you had an agreement, that you would help her. Then you decide it's more important to pursue your own interests (i.e. her). Sure, you intended to (and did) continue to help her after resigning, but I think that complicated stuff unnecessarily. Maybe it felt like suddenly your tutoring came with strings attached that were not monetary.

 

You sound like a good guy. I do think you made some mistakes, but I don't think they cost you anything because it doesn't sound like this girl was looking for the same things you are and your actions aren't going to change that. Girls DO want a nice, caring boyfriend, but being nice and caring doesn't make you entitled to be somebody's boyfriend.

I'd be okay with just being friends, but for me to suddenly be erased from her life is really confusing to me. Why wouldn't you want to be friends with someone you have fun with and who's caring and nice? Was I just being used? She's been a big part of my life for the past 5 months - for her to suddenly go AWOL makes me feel confused and depressed.

I feel your pain, been through something similar. I don't know what to say except people can be jerks.

[april15]

You were put in the friend-zone from the start. It is incredible hard to get out of there. She was upfront with you. You were settling for less than what you wanted and got that less. When a woman makes it that clear believe them. Let her alone, move on, find a woman who wants to be in a relationship.

[pl3asehelp]

Why wouldn't you want to be friends with someone you have fun with and who's caring and nice? Was I just being used? She's been a big part of my life for the past 5 months - for her to suddenly go AWOL makes me feel confused and depressed.

 

Because this is poisonous to any future relationships she might want to have. You can't be a friend to her because you want more. Any time in the future if she complains about a boyfriend to you you're going to give her advice that serves you and your motives to be with her.

[SurferDude]

Thanks for all the input, everyone.

 

Regarding my decision to "resign", I guess I need to expand on that a little - I waited until after her first round of exams since I didn't want to distract her during the process. She hired me for 3 months and I waited until that point to tell her. We went out together the night after she finished her first round and I said something like "hey, it's been really fun working with you. I'm also studying for a few things right now so I'll probably still go to the library a few times a week on my own, if you need extra help with things feel free to swing by and we can work on some things together if I have time, I really enjoy spending time with you." That's about when she told me that she's not really interested in a relationship right now but she appreciates the gesture and she'd still like to work with me if I wouldn't mind and had the time.

 

I'm not certain about my friend zone status - she seemed really eager to go out on a formal date when I finally did decide to ask her out. She was talking one day about this restaurant she really likes so the next time we met I said something like "Hey, I checked out that place you mentioned on yelp, it looks like it has great reviews and I've never been to that part of town. Want to check it out with me this weekend?" and she was like "sure, I can do Saturday night... or Sunday night. It's up to you!" and seemed pretty excited about it, and she seemed interested throughout the night - flirting, playful conversation. We walked around after and decided on the spur of the moment (well, I pretended it was spur of the moment, I did my research first) to go check out this local indie theater. All in all, it seemed very non-friend like, esp. with the good night kiss (I was going for cheek and she actually turned towards me so it ended up being lips) and all.

 

Looking back on it, I guess she was really honest from the start - she doesn't want a relationship, is stressed out, and has a habit of pushing people away when she's stressed. I kind of assumed I'd just stick it out and see what happened, so it was a bit of a shock to hear about the ex still being in the picture. I'm not sure really what I should be taking away from all this... maybe if a girl says she's not looking for a relationship, I should just immediately friend-zone her instead of trying anyways? Thanks for all the helpful advice, it's really helped me see this rationally instead of emotionally.