Dumped after a 4 year relationship

[Ceez3]

Hey all please I need help, I don't know what to do. My ex-gf and I had been together for 4 years, and we were truly crazy about each other, even up until the end. Right before Christmas of last year, she suggested that we take a break from the relationship because of the stress it was causing her. After grad school I hadn't been able to find a job in my field for over a year, and I didn't know whether I wanted to keep looking for a job or go to medical school, and whether I'd even get accepted was a question also. I had basically been in career limbo for over a year.

 

She told me she constantly worried about whether or not we had a future, and that taking a break would let me see how it is to not have her and might motivate me to get my life in gear, and that it would give her a reprieve from the stress. She also said it would allow her to see how it would be without me. I reluctantly agreed to taking a break, and as miserable as I was missing her, I respected her wishes and kept my distance. About a month later, toward the end of January she texted me, and told me that she felt that she wanted to stay single, and that she couldn't call because it would have been too hard for her. We ended up on the phone, and I told her that I'd realized that my passion was to pursue medicine and that I even had gotten interviews with med schools. She told me that didn't guarantee I'd get in and she needed long term stability in life. We broke up that night, without animosity or bitterness. I then sent her an e-mail later that night pouring my heart out to her explaining why we shouldn't throw away such an amazing relationship, and that I still loved her dearly. She was surprised by the e-mail because even though I was very supportive to her I was never the type to let her in on my own problems. She then replied saying she didn't know what to do and that we should talk again in a few months to see how we'd feel then. Two weeks later I got accepted and I called her to see if we can get back together, but she told me that she enjoyed having time to herself, and she wanted to stay single, and that emotionally she wasn't there anymore. She even told me she hopes I can FIND SOMEONE ELSE when I go to med school. She said she wanted to be friends with me but I should move on from the relationship first. A week later she even tried to return to me a gift I had recently given her.

 

Since then I've been giving her space and not bothering her because I thought she'd gotten over me. But when I did the "stuff exchange", I spoke to her sister, who told me that she was incredibly broken up about it when we first went on the break (crying often and drinking every night). And that she told her sister she couldn't do the "stuff exchange" herself because if she saw me she'd get weak. Her sister liked us as a couple and wants to see us get back together but told me that it's good that I'd been mature and given my ex her space, that I "need to give her time to miss me", and "who knows what will happen months from now".

 

Is it even possible that she can get over me SO QUICKLY after 4 years? I don't know what to do, I haven't slept at all the last month, she's everything I'd ever wanted in a girl. I still love her like crazy, she's the girl I want to marry, so I don't want to ruin my chances of reconciling with her. I keep hearing about No Contact, but doesn't No Contact only work if the girl is insecure right? The whole point is to make the other person feel insecure no? She is a pretty secure person so I don't know what I should do, No Contact or say "Hey, how have you been" once in a while?

 

If you can help me I would thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[Hollyj]

NC is to help you heal, not manipulate others. Respect her wishes and do not contact, as it is disrespectful.

 

By not being in contact it will help you both see things clearly, and recognize if you should be together.

 

Work on your interviews as well as trying to get a job, once things start to fall into place for you professionally, it will improve.

 

Good luck

[Ceez3]

Thanks for your advice, much appreciated. I guess that came out wrong, I don't want to trick her into anything. I just don't know what she's really feeling, and I don't want to do anything that will push her away. We have always been honest with each other, no jealousy possessiveness or clingy-ness which is why we got along so well and why it's killing me that this rare and amazing relationship is over.

[Mustachio]

If she couldnt even face you to exchange stuff, she is clearly not over the relationship.

 

About NC, well... Hollyj said it, its about helping to get over someone and move on in your life. I have heard stories that sometimes NC is the thing that brings someone back, but that is missing the purpose.

 

Keep doing well by yourself and moving on with your life. Eventually she will see what you have done, and if that is truly the reason she left, well then at that point you can possibly start something back up... and if not, well you will be in a better place with your life.

 

Has she ever specifically told you she doesnt want to be in contact? Regardless, give it some time without contacting her and keep working on yourself.

[lmasterz]

Ceez3, I'm in a similar dilemma, as in my significant other and I separated recently after a 2-year relationship (BU in end of Sep., NC in end of Dec.), and had marriage in our minds. It sucks. Really does. Especially when you know you two had something rare. It won't be easy, whoever says so means he hasn't experienced such thing.

 

Now, there's no healing time frame for this. Can last from 1 month, up to another 4 years. It's you who decide! You're the captain of the ship. The more determined you are to move on, the lower the time frame. Time will tell a lot of things and it will also heal. You 2 might be back together sometime in the near future, or might go your separate ways (as impossible as it may sound for you to imagine right now). Hope for the best, plan for the worst. The fact that you got into med school (congrats), that should help you greatly as it will take so much of your time, so that's a plus from your end.

 

Generally speaking, I reckon, girls usually break NC, GIVEN that the relationship was going great such as your case, mine and others on this forum. I'm not talking about cheating, or lying or any of that sort. Again, that's what I reckon so it doesn't mean it will apply to your case or anyone else's case. However if she does break NC, you should ignore it, otherwise you'll go back to square one, unless you're 110% sure you are able to control your brain and emotions.

 

NC is "mainly" used to forget about her, as once you see her, hear her voice, email her or text her, emotions and memories will build up and rush back to your brain and will put you back to square one and it will hurt all over again. Some people use a more difficult approach, and that is they maintain NC but still have their pictures together, texts, emails etc. That way they know they're over their ex when they're able to look at the pic and say "Ya it's over, good memories", and keeps going. That's usually a lengthier healing process I believe and if you're an emotional and weak person, it's not recommended. You're better off with NC.

 

As of now, how long have you been in NC?

[Ceez3]

It's been two weeks since we've had no contact. I've come to terms with the fact that she wants to be and needs to be single. But I just can't get over how quickly she told me she was over me, if she indeed is. And how I can possibly get her back down the line.

[Isthmus22]

I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma... things like this are very difficult to overcome.

 

It looks to me like you should probably give her space and focus on your career. Becoming successful because of your own hard work and determination does a lot to help ease the pain. In fact, such a breakup can easily be used as motivation to really motivate you to succeed. It might take a while, but the pain will pass with time. It is important for you to maintain the No Contact, becasue not doing so will only bring you back to square one. If you are able to succeed in her absense, she is much more likely to realize the true mistake she made, and she'll be much more likely to break the silence first.

 

That said, I would highly recommend letting her go for good. A true relationship is strong through all of life's ups and downs. If she is unable to see that, then you can probably expect trouble further down the road. Beside that, anyone who is willing to just let something like that go after four years probably isn't worth the pain of hoping she'll come around at some point. In that light, even if she DOES break the silence, I would recommend still moving on. As I said before, you need someone who will love and support you no matter what your situation is.

 

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck!

[abitbroken]

When someone says its over, its not quick. They have been thinking about it for a long time. Things were not going right for them for longer than they let on. It could be something just within themselves. It could be something with you or the relationship.

[The_Seeker]

When someone says its over, its not quick. They have been thinking about it for a long time. Things were not going right for them for longer than they let on. It could be something just within themselves. It could be something with you or the relationship.

 

Man, I agree. I should of thought it sooner and end it sooner instead of being dragged on by my first exboyfriend. Idiot me.

[Ceez3]

Thanks I really appreciate it, I have finally realized that the only thing I can do is work on myself, and I have begun to focus on my own life in earnest. There is still that part of my brain and heart that remembers how incredibly compatible we were and how well we complemented each other and wonders if somewhere down the road we can end up together.

[Ceez3]

I've been reading a lot of threads on ENA, and it helped a lot. I feel somewhat less panicked. But just a question to the posters here. When she broke up with me on the phone she told me her ex kept contacting her (not even in a nice/sweet way) to get her back. She told me to not do that and to find someone else. But then she couldn't keep talking because she didn't want to cry.

 

I've adhered to strict NC, tried to keep myself busy, but I'm still wondering after the cold things she said, she still almost cried. Can anyone who has had a similar situation tell me if she'd ever come back?

 

I'm sticking to NC to try to begin to move on but I still love her.

[Ms Darcy]

You are still in the hoping phase. No one knows what will happen, but the relationship is over and it's healthiest to focus on moving on. She never brought up concerns about the relationship when you were together?

[Ceez3]

She did bring up her concerns about my lack of clarity about my career/our future before, and I realize that it IS because of my indecision/procrastination that things became stressful for her. But I DID address those concerns, I'm going to med school. But by the time my med school decision and acceptance got settled, we were on a break and she had decided that she wanted to be single and that she didn't feel the same for me anymore.