I finished it

[happy_camper]

Hi all,

 

Been posting here a couple of years now. 3 days ago, I ended a four and a half year relationship. It was my decision. I don't even know what to say here, I'm feeling numb. I'd been feeling taken for granted for quite some time now. Different situations all along, never a repeat of the same thing, but the bottom line was it made me feel unimportant in my OH's life. We'd been long distance for all that time, with no real hope of getting to the same place due to work and recession limitations. so in that sense, I feel I've never had the normality of the security of a relationship in which we can both be in the same place all the time.

 

I don't even know what my point is here. I kind of swore to myself the other day that I wouldn't end up on these forums again! we broke up for three months back in 2008/2009 and I had no job at the time, and had nothing better to do than to wallow in my own self misery and much of that time was spent on various forums trying to get answers for why he ended it, and what I'd done wrong, what he'd done wrong, etc, etc. I think it was more damaging to my mental health than anything. being alone with your thoughts for such a long time when you are in total despair is not a good thing.

 

I'm not going to go into the details of why we broke up again. But I'm yo-yo-ing between wanting to talk to him, and knowing that we'll never work. and I came on here earlier to look through my old threads, just to remind myself of problems that have arisen in the years since we got back together. And I realised only today how much I repeated and repeated the same stuff over and over again. Is that not a sure sign that it's not working? In the four and a half years, I know we couldn't get to the same place, due to work, etc, as I've mentioned before, but even if we had............... I never felt he was committed in the same way I was. And in the last 12-18 months, he has had three different jobs. This is not his fault, he's been doing the best he can with work in unfortunate circumstances, and has been lucky to get that work. each job was in a different place, all over an hour's drive away. Even so, we saw each other every weekend. he travelled home each weekend to see me. but each time he lost his job, he got depressed, and took it out on me, all his frustrations. and often talked about how he wasn't sure about us anymore. I'm sure I've posted threads about that here too. Can't be bothered to look back anymore! but the hurt of him taking it out on me, coupled with the fact that he was uncertain about us, has left me very insecure. I have a tendency towards insecurity anyway, and long distance only emphasizes this! as well as him having broke up with me all that time ago.............I'm only realising now that I feel I sort of gave up in recent months. there was just too much to take. I look back at all the posts I've put here, and I can see how much I cared and wanted so much for this to work. until recently. reading those posts, I feel estranged from the person who wrote them. I feel I can't relate. I think I've distanced myself so that he couldn't hurt me anymore. And yet in this distancing, I've spent more time upset and crying over simple things that might not have bothered me much at other times. I really over reacted to things.

 

This weekend I snapped. It was his 30th birthday monday. he had a party saturday. I'm not even going to go into what happened at the party, but all I could think was, I don't even know him. what am I doing?! I snapped.

 

I spent all day sunday in a daze wondering what to do. I didn't do anything at the party sat to make him think I was going to break up with him. Hell, I didn't even know myself I was going to break up with him till about an hour before it happened. I called him into my apartment, where I had his stuff packed in bags. I said 'here is your stuff, I can't take this anymore, it's over'. he grabbed his bags, and walked. I asked did he even want to know why? he said he didn't. and left. I kept my cool until he left and then I broke down. I sobbed my heart out. I cried in work the next day. knowing it was his birthday, knowing how crap he felt about turning 30 and still not knowing what he wants to do with his life. and knowing that I've probably made him feel even worse. he sent me a text monday night. 'sorry I reacted the way I did, I just didn't see it coming. we should talk. I'll ring you Friday if you agree'. How can he not have seen it coming? the past 6 months, we've done nothing but argue. he's made me feel insecure because he's unsure of us. and I've threatened to break up with him at least twice in this time. I guess because I didn't he thought they were empty threats and I was willing to put up with his uncertainty and shoddy treatment of me. but I did it now.

 

mostly I feel relieved because breaking up has brought clarity. I've been in mental turmoil for months now. wondering was I right to be feeling the way I did, or was I seriously over reacting to everything? I think my feelings were justified. I think his lack of acknowledgement of them wasn't. And this has what has brought me to where I am. so yes, I feel relieved. and also scared to be alone. and I miss him desperately. I miss the good times, because when they were good, they were amazing. I love him very much. but I have to think about myself now. even if it is breaking my heart. I would love nothing more to curl up beside him tonight with his arms around me. or even to talk on the phone like in old times. and I wish there was a way to get past all this, but how?!

He's taken me for granted for too long. We have no future. how can we plan a few years ahead, when he can't even plan the next 6 months? besides that, in four and a half years, there has never been talk of marriage. aside from him saying that if we moved in together, and it went well, he'd consider engagement. when I told him this made his love for me feel conditional, he said he never meant it that way. it just seems so backwards! I'm crying my eyes out here. I might have ended it, but it's probably hurting me more than him. part of me can't understand how I managed to gloss over all the times he took me for granted and made myself believe it was ok. probably because each time I confronted the issue head on with him, we were able to work through for a while, things would improve again, only for something similar to happen again a month later. like being lulled into a false sense of security each time. I wanted so much for us to work. another thing I glossed over was an issue with gambling. I posted here about it before. I don't think he had gambled since I posted here that time about it. but can you ever be sure? I asked him, a few times, and he said he hadn't since then. and I know he's planning on doing a diploma course in college in september to improve chances of further employment. I know he has almost saved the money to do it, he already has the place on the course, he was saving towrds the year and fees. so I doubt he was able to do this if he had been gambling too. but if we had stayed together I'd always wonder.

 

I haven't given him a reason for the break-up. I mailed him tonight to say I don't think we should talk. that if he wants to know anything, he can ask me in an email, but for now I need space. And that I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't tell him that I don't want to meet up because it will bring back feelings I'm trying so hard to kill right now. that if I meet him, I'll only want to go back. And I know that's not good for me.

 

I don't want to be here again. it might have been a snap decision to take the step to break up, but all things considered, I hope I've made the right choice. I'm racked with doubt, clouded by how much I love him all the same. Please help me through this.

[CindyTime]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I'm glad you came here to share your story with us.

 

Although my story is a bit different, I was just like you 7 months ago. I snapped, gave up, and walked away from a 4 year R with one of the greatest people I know. It was so hard. But after trying to make it work, and nothing changing, I let it go. It took me a little while to realize what I lost, and I regretted it. I also owned up to some of my own contributions to the R. That's why I'm on this forum. It's almost like the BU happened all over again for me.

 

Like me, it does sound like you had a lot of reasons to throw in the towel. I can't tell you if it was the right choice - only you will be able to figure that out. But it does seem like you needed the space to do that "thinking."

 

That love you have for him isn't going to go away - it's not like you can flip a switch. You have so much time and history together, and that won't just vanish overnight. So don't worry about that. You're normal.

 

I think it would be okay to tell him "why." But you don't have to see him or spend time with him to do that. He may be hurting too - you don't really know what is going on with him. However, right now, you need to focus on you, and getting YOU to a better and happier place.

 

You said that the BU gave you some clarity -- that's good. Keep moving forward, and things will become even clearer for you.

 

Take the time and space you need okay?

[Heidern]

I believe I was on the other side of this type of breakup. 6 yr relationship, engaged and everything. She felt her life had come to a sudden stop because our relationship wasn't progressing. I worked as hard as I could, tried to take care of all my responsibilities, but at the end it wasn't enough. She felt I wasn't committed to the relationship as much as she was, which was not true at all. I'm the kind of person who loves somebody to death but does so quietly. I can't tell you if your guy is feeling the same way I am, but I can tell you that it hurts... A lot. The biggest difference here is that you didn't flirt intensely with a friend for 5 months prior to the breakup, so he probably won't have a clear-cut reason to move on. Hell, I don't feel like that's enough of a reason for me to move on! I love this girl to death, but there's not much I can do about it. Like you, she requested space (saying she was happy and that I was just getting in her way, also said she no longer had any feelings for me). So, maybe his feelings towards you are real, don't assume that he wasn't as committed as you were... Anytime someone begins making that assumption in any sort of relationship, that's when the problems start pouring in. Maybe you're not making an assumption, maybe you noticed enough things about his behavior to reinforce your decision. I just hate thinking that in my case maybe she did have enough reasons to back up her actions.

 

So, what am I doing now? Trying to improve as much as I can, trying to fix those things that made her feel that I wasn't as committed to us. This will lead me down a positive path regardless of whether we go back together or not (I have no hopes that this will happen) and someone one day will be able to appreciate the effort.

 

Hope you feel better

[Casmut]

I am in the exact same situation you are in, well i will be anyway. In along distance relationship that isn't going anywhere, all the while you're behind the drivers seat and everything feels one sided. You reach your limit and want to end it, it becomes amazingly difficult to let go. Ultimately you know whats best for you, and i wish you luck. It takes a lot to take the step you took, but one things for sure you need to always be looking out for yourself.

 

All the best..

[happy_camper]

Hi cindytime, thanks for your reply.

 

I'm scared that I'll regret it months down the road. I'm already having doubts now. I know this is probably natural, but it's scewing my sense of the reality of the situation. I miss him immeasurably. I just spent my first weekend without him, we spent every weekend together. I caught up with friends most of Saturday afternoon. unfortunately, said friends are 1. married, 2. engaged and getting married in June, 3. engaged with no date set, and all talking weddings! while I'm excited for them, I felt lonely and very remote and detached from their situation. I know what you'll say - Find single friends. all my friends are taken, I'm in a bad place right now! I used to go out with OH every weekend, and his family and friends. Not because I didn't make an effort with my friends, I have plenty of friends, I see them during the week, and when I was out with ex, I would pop into places to see them too, but don't think they want to dedicate their nights out to me and my feeling sorry for myself. My ex just has a better social network, his friends, whether taken or otherwise go out more. And I loved that. And that made me feel particularly lonely this weekend. and I let it in on me, and began to wonder had I made a mistake.

 

I have to look at the reasons I feel that way. That's just going to be one thing I'll miss and find hard to adapt to. I could go back and feel miserable, but at least I won't be alone in the physical sense. But that's no reason to go back. I know that. I just have to find a way to cope with this for the time being.

 

He emailed me on Saturday, just one line. 'Why did you finish it?'. I tried to email him back on Sunday, thinking I was far enough away (one week) from it to write an answer. I started a draft. And got very emotional, and broke down crying. I couldn't finish the email, or send it. I started to say hurtful things, that I didn't think were hurtful, but re reading, I knew I couldn't send it. I don't want a slinging match. Nor do I think I should get emotional in sending it, it's not fair to him or me. I don't want to give him false hope, nor do I want to hurt him. I feel unfair for leaving it this long without giving him a reason. But at the same time, and I know he's not a mind reader, how can he not know why I ended d it?!?? When I was typing the email, all I could think was, I've said all this before, this is nothing new, and he didn't take me seriously before, why would he now, other than the fact that I've put my foot down and decided I'm worth much more than that? He didn't seem to think so.

 

I'm going to compose an email to him tonight. I won't send it till tomorrow. I'd feel bad sending it the day that's in it, regardless.

 

I just feel there was too much bad stuff lately, and not enough good to counteract it.

[happy_camper]

Thanks for your reply Heidern, I'm sorry you're on the other end of this situation!

 

Honestly? I was at his 30th birthday party two Saturdays ago, and I felt I was with a big child. A big child who can't accept where he is in life. He was feeling bad about turning 30 without having accomplished anything with his life. And often pointed the finger of blame at me, indirectly. Said he felt he'd wasted the last 5 years (of which I was in the picture 4 and a half years). He was sick of commuting for the relationship. He felt he was constantly having to think of the relationship when looking for his next contract job, so that he wouldn't be too far from him. He made me feel, like I was the one getting in the way of his happiness. And still he said these things, and I sat and took it on the chin. but each time he said it, I felt myself detach a little bit more. And I said that to him. He said he didn't want to end it, always said this, in many of the arguments we had in the last 6 months. but then he'd still repeat all those things, like matter of fact, and I just have to be ok with it?!

 

I don't doubt he loved me. I don't know what to say to that. But like I said, I detached a little more each time, warning him that one day I'd walk, because I couldn't take the feeling of insecurity he gave me. So I walked. and now he wants to know why.

 

bear in mind that at his younger brother's wedding last year, he got upset and started crying that his younger brother is married before him. And guess who had to comfort him?! His girlfriend! Me! It's not a freakin competition. it felt so bizarre!

 

All I'm getting from this is that he wants these things, just doesn't want them with me. I dumped him, what's the odds he'll be married in the next two years, and I'll be all alone?!

and now I'm sounding bitter. He's indecisive in his life, I don't want him to be indecisive about me any longer.

[happy_camper]

Hi Casmut, sorry to hear about your situation. I see from another thread that you made the cut as well. I hope you're doing ok, I didn't get to read it all. all the best to you too.