happy_camper Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 Hi all, Been posting here a couple of years now. 3 days ago, I ended a four and a half year relationship. It was my decision. I don't even know what to say here, I'm feeling numb. I'd been feeling taken for granted for quite some time now. Different situations all along, never a repeat of the same thing, but the bottom line was it made me feel unimportant in my OH's life. We'd been long distance for all that time, with no real hope of getting to the same place due to work and recession limitations. so in that sense, I feel I've never had the normality of the security of a relationship in which we can both be in the same place all the time. I don't even know what my point is here. I kind of swore to myself the other day that I wouldn't end up on these forums again! we broke up for three months back in 2008/2009 and I had no job at the time, and had nothing better to do than to wallow in my own self misery and much of that time was spent on various forums trying to get answers for why he ended it, and what I'd done wrong, what he'd done wrong, etc, etc. I think it was more damaging to my mental health than anything. being alone with your thoughts for such a long time when you are in total despair is not a good thing. I'm not going to go into the details of why we broke up again. But I'm yo-yo-ing between wanting to talk to him, and knowing that we'll never work. and I came on here earlier to look through my old threads, just to remind myself of problems that have arisen in the years since we got back together. And I realised only today how much I repeated and repeated the same stuff over and over again. Is that not a sure sign that it's not working? In the four and a half years, I know we couldn't get to the same place, due to work, etc, as I've mentioned before, but even if we had............... I never felt he was committed in the same way I was. And in the last 12-18 months, he has had three different jobs. This is not his fault, he's been doing the best he can with work in unfortunate circumstances, and has been lucky to get that work. each job was in a different place, all over an hour's drive away. Even so, we saw each other every weekend. he travelled home each weekend to see me. but each time he lost his job, he got depressed, and took it out on me, all his frustrations. and often talked about how he wasn't sure about us anymore. I'm sure I've posted threads about that here too. Can't be bothered to look back anymore! but the hurt of him taking it out on me, coupled with the fact that he was uncertain about us, has left me very insecure. I have a tendency towards insecurity anyway, and long distance only emphasizes this! as well as him having broke up with me all that time ago.............I'm only realising now that I feel I sort of gave up in recent months. there was just too much to take. I look back at all the posts I've put here, and I can see how much I cared and wanted so much for this to work. until recently. reading those posts, I feel estranged from the person who wrote them. I feel I can't relate. I think I've distanced myself so that he couldn't hurt me anymore. And yet in this distancing, I've spent more time upset and crying over simple things that might not have bothered me much at other times. I really over reacted to things. This weekend I snapped. It was his 30th birthday monday. he had a party saturday. I'm not even going to go into what happened at the party, but all I could think was, I don't even know him. what am I doing?! I snapped. I spent all day sunday in a daze wondering what to do. I didn't do anything at the party sat to make him think I was going to break up with him. Hell, I didn't even know myself I was going to break up with him till about an hour before it happened. I called him into my apartment, where I had his stuff packed in bags. I said 'here is your stuff, I can't take this anymore, it's over'. he grabbed his bags, and walked. I asked did he even want to know why? he said he didn't. and left. I kept my cool until he left and then I broke down. I sobbed my heart out. I cried in work the next day. knowing it was his birthday, knowing how crap he felt about turning 30 and still not knowing what he wants to do with his life. and knowing that I've probably made him feel even worse. he sent me a text monday night. 'sorry I reacted the way I did, I just didn't see it coming. we should talk. I'll ring you Friday if you agree'. How can he not have seen it coming? the past 6 months, we've done nothing but argue. he's made me feel insecure because he's unsure of us. and I've threatened to break up with him at least twice in this time. I guess because I didn't he thought they were empty threats and I was willing to put up with his uncertainty and shoddy treatment of me. but I did it now. mostly I feel relieved because breaking up has brought clarity. I've been in mental turmoil for months now. wondering was I right to be feeling the way I did, or was I seriously over reacting to everything? I think my feelings were justified. I think his lack of acknowledgement of them wasn't. And this has what has brought me to where I am. so yes, I feel relieved. and also scared to be alone. and I miss him desperately. I miss the good times, because when they were good, they were amazing. I love him very much. but I have to think about myself now. even if it is breaking my heart. I would love nothing more to curl up beside him tonight with his arms around me. or even to talk on the phone like in old times. and I wish there was a way to get past all this, but how?! He's taken me for granted for too long. We have no future. how can we plan a few years ahead, when he can't even plan the next 6 months? besides that, in four and a half years, there has never been talk of marriage. aside from him saying that if we moved in together, and it went well, he'd consider engagement. when I told him this made his love for me feel conditional, he said he never meant it that way. it just seems so backwards! I'm crying my eyes out here. I might have ended it, but it's probably hurting me more than him. part of me can't understand how I managed to gloss over all the times he took me for granted and made myself believe it was ok. probably because each time I confronted the issue head on with him, we were able to work through for a while, things would improve again, only for something similar to happen again a month later. like being lulled into a false sense of security each time. I wanted so much for us to work. another thing I glossed over was an issue with gambling. I posted here about it before. I don't think he had gambled since I posted here that time about it. but can you ever be sure? I asked him, a few times, and he said he hadn't since then. and I know he's planning on doing a diploma course in college in september to improve chances of further employment. I know he has almost saved the money to do it, he already has the place on the course, he was saving towrds the year and fees. so I doubt he was able to do this if he had been gambling too. but if we had stayed together I'd always wonder. I haven't given him a reason for the break-up. I mailed him tonight to say I don't think we should talk. that if he wants to know anything, he can ask me in an email, but for now I need space. And that I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't tell him that I don't want to meet up because it will bring back feelings I'm trying so hard to kill right now. that if I meet him, I'll only want to go back. And I know that's not good for me. I don't want to be here again. it might have been a snap decision to take the step to break up, but all things considered, I hope I've made the right choice. I'm racked with doubt, clouded by how much I love him all the same. Please help me through this. Link to comment
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