whattodowhattodo Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 OK, so a year after the BU, and a couple of attempts of me trying to win the ex back with her responding with the "I'm confused about us" line, and most recently a couple of months ago where she responded to me telling her how much I missed her and wanted to give things another go with a "thanks for showing me your new place - it hurts me not to say it too" there has been a somewhat interesting development. She drunk text me a week or so ago asking how I was and if I was out in town. I ignored it at the time but called back a few days ago and we chatted. I mentioned I was "kind of" seeing someone new but that it was just a casual thing and I didn't see it materialising to anything long term. She didn't seem at all bothered on the call by this revelation, and on the contrary, even seemed happy for me. However, a few days later, she sends me this text: "OK so I find it weird you seeing someone new, guess thats normal. I facebooked her of course, she's really pretty. You might want to delete some of the pics of me from your profile though." What on earth am I meant to make of this? There are a few pics of her in my photos (we were together for a few years, so that's natural) but they are completely innocuous and there are only a few of her and I together in other innocuous-looking shots. The thing with the new person is casual, and both new person and I are OK with this. I would love another shot at things with the ex. Do I respond to her text? How do I play this? Ex has been single since the BU btw, she's been on a few dates but said she didn't really fancy any of them. Link to comment
digdug Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Let it ride .... I'd say, say nothing. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Let it ride .... I'd say, say nothing. what he said ^^ Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Make nothing of it. She called during a weak moment and she said nothing about "getting back together". She just noticed that you were actually moving on and walking away (as you should be) instead of pawing at her heels. She wanted to know what's up with that. Link to comment
sentencedtoagony Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 It sounds like she's checking up on you. Let it ride. If she really starts missing you, she will tell you. Link to comment
EgoJoe Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Hide the pics from her view. It is a test. Make her sweat. Link to comment
ChellyV Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 contrary to popular responses, i would say...go for it. life is so short, each minute counts. take it slow though. if you do really want her back, do not let life pass you by. i would say when time is up, you will know and not even ask the thread. you cannot walk away yet, so take the leap. Link to comment
sentencedtoagony Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 She hasn't given him anything to work with. What's there to go for it? Link to comment
whattodowhattodo Posted February 8, 2012 Author Share Posted February 8, 2012 Mmmm it probably is a moment of weakness on her part. But it's something, right? There's some feeling there on her part, whether it's jealousy, or making her realise I'm moving on without her, but it's something I can work with, right? Maybe not actively by doing or saying anything more, but revealing I'm seeing someone new has certainly shaken things up a little and moved the ball a little further back towards my side of the court. I really don't understand the pics comment. Why would she suggest I delete them? We were together for years, and are a part of each other's history, so there are bound to be pics. Link to comment
digdug Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 It's a feeling, but I wouldn't construe it as a "good feeling". Was she controlling or unstable in some sort of way when you were with her? I think it's nothing more than that, a controlling move to make you feel guilty about moving on. I am NOT into playing games, and this to me smells like one. I say take the high road on this one. You're fishing IMO. Link to comment
whattodowhattodo Posted February 8, 2012 Author Share Posted February 8, 2012 It's a feeling, but I wouldn't construe it as a "good feeling". Was she controlling or unstable in some sort of way when you were with her? I think it's nothing more than that, a controlling move to make you feel guilty about moving on. I am NOT into playing games, and this to me smells like one. I say take the high road on this one. You're fishing IMO. No, she was anything but controlling. And I'm 99.9% sure she isn't game playing, deliberately anyway. She's not that kind of girl. I'd even go as far to say it isn't something she is capable of; she;s too honest for her own good. This text is the vocalisation of some kind of feeling she has inside, but it's not a deliberate attempt to manipulate me or make me feel guilty. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 Mmmm it probably is a moment of weakness on her part. But it's something, right? There's some feeling there on her part, whether it's jealousy, or making her realise I'm moving on without her, but it's something I can work with, right? Maybe not actively by doing or saying anything more, but revealing I'm seeing someone new has certainly shaken things up a little and moved the ball a little further back towards my side of the court. I really don't understand the pics comment. Why would she suggest I delete them? We were together for years, and are a part of each other's history, so there are bound to be pics. She's suggesting you delete the pictures because she thinks of you as a good guy who has meaningful relationships like the one you had with her, not casual flings with people who don't care that you are still carrying a torch for your ex by having pictures of you guys up together on public display. If and when you move on from your ex, you'll put those pictures away somewhere private. Link to comment
The_Seeker Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 Hide the pics from her view. It is a test. Make her sweat. Ha ha great minds think alike. ;] That's what I would do too. Link to comment
whattodowhattodo Posted February 9, 2012 Author Share Posted February 9, 2012 She's suggesting you delete the pictures because she thinks of you as a good guy who has meaningful relationships like the one you had with her, not casual flings with people who don't care that you are still carrying a torch for your ex by having pictures of you guys up together on public display. If and when you move on from your ex, you'll put those pictures away somewhere private. I take exception to this. I am meant to become a monk because I'd like another chance with my ex? Just sit there waiting on the sidelines forever hoping that one day I might stop wanting another chance with her? The new person and I enjoy spending time together. We are both adults, and we both know where we stand. How does that make me any less of a good guy? The pics are innocent pics, and like it or not, my ex is a big part of my history. Just like I have pictures of me on holiday with my friends, I have pics of me on holiday with my ex. I'm not just going to cut them out and pretend my ex never existed. Even if I didn't still carry a torch for my ex, the pictures would remain there. Link to comment
JA0371 Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 As a woman, it sounds to ME like she's testing your seriousness about the other woman you're dating. In her eyes if you do as she 'suggests' then you must be serious about her, otherwise you're carrying a torch for HER and manipulating her emotions. You did nothing wrong by having those pics up. Your ex is the guilty party for snooping on your 'friends' profile. She should really mind her own business about your love life, and you would be in the right to tell her so. Link to comment
Doofus Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 As a woman, it sounds to ME like she's testing your seriousness about the other woman you're dating. In her eyes if you do as she 'suggests' then you must be serious about her, otherwise you're carrying a torch for HER and manipulating her emotions. You did nothing wrong by having those pics up. Your ex is the guilty party for snooping on your 'friends' profile. She should really mind her own business about your love life, and you would be in the right to tell her so. This. Almost nobody ends a LTR without some misgivings. Breaking up, as the song says, is hard to do. It is entirely possible that she misses you, but is not that interested in getting back together. And I may be weird, but when I hear about women I dumped a decade ago getting married or falling in love, I feel ambivalent, just a bit, even though there is no way I would ever want to be with that person again -even for a night. That said, it is possible this is a small spark that you might be able to fan into a flame. I agree with JA. Do what she says. Then, don't initiate contact with the ex. Let her come to you. You've told her what you wanted; she's essentially rejected that overture, so now it's time to make her live with the consequences of that decision. She'll either find that that's impossible to do and will start pursuing you, or, well... otherwise. Have fun with the new girl, but try to separate having fun with her because you like her, from having fun with her because it might bring back your ex. Link to comment
whattodowhattodo Posted February 9, 2012 Author Share Posted February 9, 2012 So I text back asking her why I might want to delete all my pics and she replied "you don't want pics of me all over your profile!" - there are less than 10 of her out of 200 or so photos I have. Tempted to text back saying "Hardly all over my profile. I thought you wanted to be just friends anyway?" Is that OK, or bad idea? Link to comment
Doofus Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 Do nothing. Don't follow up on this. Take the photos down only if the new girl asks you to do so. Wait. Your ex is agitated over this. She's not at a full boil yet. Fiddling with the pot will only slow things down, or, prevent it from happening at all. Don't initiate contact for a while. If she contacts you, only reply to things having nothing to do with your - or her - love life. That includes anything she might say about you and her. Link to comment
JA0371 Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 My question is what are you hoping to gain by this interaction? To see if she acts truly jealous? I doubt that is going to happen because your ex already knows what your doing. I say being incredibly private about this woman or any other woman in the future wold be far more effective. Explaining yourself to our ex about a few profile pics just makes you look weak and petty. This isn't about the pics, it's about mind games. I guarantee you, if you say and do nothing else, your ex will continue to stalk yours and this other woman's FB page in an effort to see progression. Of course she won't admit this, but either way, it doesn't matter because you are broken up, and again it is none of her business who you date or how many pics you have up. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 I take exception to this. I am meant to become a monk because I'd like another chance with my ex? Just sit there waiting on the sidelines forever hoping that one day I might stop wanting another chance with her? The new person and I enjoy spending time together. We are both adults, and we both know where we stand. How does that make me any less of a good guy? The pics are innocent pics, and like it or not, my ex is a big part of my history. Just like I have pictures of me on holiday with my friends, I have pics of me on holiday with my ex. I'm not just going to cut them out and pretend my ex never existed. Even if I didn't still carry a torch for my ex, the pictures would remain there. Everyone has pictures of themselves with an ex. Where you keep them says a lot about where you are in terms of being over the relationship. Facebook is public display, which is about the equivalent of what pictures you decide to keep on the walls of your house/apartment. If things progress with the new girl you're dating to the point that she moves into your place, do you think you'd still have pictures of you and your ex up all over the walls? At some point, we take these down, put them in a box and they become private keepsakes. It doesn't make you any less of a good guy that you're seeing a girl now who doesn't mind that you've carrying a torch for your ex, but it's probably hard for your ex to understand because when you two were together, you were devoted to her and not carrying a torch for your ex-ex. She thinks of you as that guy. That I think is why she suggested you take the pictures down. Link to comment
whattodowhattodo Posted February 10, 2012 Author Share Posted February 10, 2012 Do nothing. Don't follow up on this. Take the photos down only if the new girl asks you to do so. Wait. Your ex is agitated over this. She's not at a full boil yet. Fiddling with the pot will only slow things down, or, prevent it from happening at all. Don't initiate contact for a while. If she contacts you, only reply to things having nothing to do with your - or her - love life. That includes anything she might say about you and her. Hmm. I should have heeded this advice. The following exchange occurred today: Me: Why would I delete them? Her: I thought you might find it strange having pics of me in your photos Me: If I found it strange I would have deleted them of my own accord. I thought you wanted to be just friends anyway, so not sure why you find it weird that I'm seeing someone else Her: Not weird in general, it's to be expected and I'm pleased for you. But it is always going to feel weird when an ex meets someone else Guess I was reading way too much into the initial text...? Doesn't look like there is anything after all, does it? Also found out the new person is screwing someone else as well as me so going to have to end things with her I think. Sigh. Link to comment
Tom1990 Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Also found out the new person is screwing someone else as well as me so going to have to end things with her I think. Sigh. Hm. Well...look at it this way, it's something new to be upset about! (Eh...I tried. ^^) Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Hmm. I should have heeded this advice. The following exchange occurred today: Me: Why would I delete them? Her: I thought you might find it strange having pics of me in your photos Me: If I found it strange I would have deleted them of my own accord. I thought you wanted to be just friends anyway, so not sure why you find it weird that I'm seeing someone else Her: Not weird in general, it's to be expected and I'm pleased for you. But it is always going to feel weird when an ex meets someone else Guess I was reading way too much into the initial text...? Doesn't look like there is anything after all, does it? Also found out the new person is screwing someone else as well as me so going to have to end things with her I think. Sigh. Wait - you were fine dating the new girl casually while admittedly still wanting your ex back, but then you find out the new girl is also seeing other people and that bothers you? Your expectation was that you could still be pining for your ex, but you expected the new girl to be committed to you only? Link to comment
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