Love1336 Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 My boyfriend is ALWAYS, ALWAYS busy. He is a New York City cop. I feel I shouldn't complain, but we barely talk, or text one another. When he gets off his shift, he is all tired. But on his days off..... he never talks either or bothers to ask about my day. We been dating for six months, the first couple of months was GREAT! We talk, he saw me nearly every single day... Now of days... we see each other once a month. Ever since he got his shift change... things have went down hill... I have talk to him about this... and he simply gives me a cold answer of "I am busy woman, isn't my fault. I try to talk to you when i can." I don't know... I LOVE him, but hate his job. I feel he doesn't give much effort. I feel his using his job to not be close to me... I don't know. What's your best advice for me? Link to comment
JeckyllNHyde Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 How many hours does he work or what are his shifts like? I can say from recent experience, that a change in work hours can have an impact on someone, their focus on you and that they can distance a bit. Is there any way he can drop by your place or vice versa after work to unwind? Oh I just saw you guys only see each other about once a month. In my opinion.. that's not a good sign at all. He should or could at least be making time for you on his off days or once/twice a week. How close where you guys before this new shift change? Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 You have needs which include spending more time with your SO than he is able to provide. As long as you've been clear to him you need more from him that's all you can do. He can either give you what you need or not and then it's up to you to decide. Link to comment
digdug Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 You need to set boundaries for yourself, and what you are willing to settle for in a partner. You can't dictate to him how he will be, he needs to make those decisions based on what is best for him. If you don't feel he can give you what you want, and if you talk to him about it and he is not on the same page, then you either need to rethink those boundaries and alter them to something that is still within your comfort zone, or you need to cut bait. ~dig Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 I personally would walk away. Plenty of men with more time for you. Link to comment
Love1336 Posted February 8, 2012 Author Share Posted February 8, 2012 How many hours does he work or what are his shifts like? He's works a good 40. Sometimes he makes arrest, sometimes he doesn't. The new shift has him dealing with more people. Before he would work at midnights and deal with nobody. I can say from recent experience, that a change in work hours can have an impact on someone, their focus on you and that they can distance a bit. Is there any way he can drop by your place or vice versa after work to unwind? It's a long distance relationship. I live in CT, he lives in NY. He lives with his mother, and she doesn't like visitors. If, she did i would totally be hoping the train to see him more. Oh I just saw you guys only see each other about once a month. In my opinion.. that's not a good sign at all. He should or could at least be making time for you on his off days or once/twice a week. I know... But he tells me money is tough... and he eventually wants to move out. He said it's 60 bucks to fill up his car to see me. I tell him take the train... and he's like "yeah you are right" How close where you guys before this new shift change? Well we would TALK about our day, random stuff. Now... he's so... blah and quite on the phone. Link to comment
Love1336 Posted February 8, 2012 Author Share Posted February 8, 2012 You have needs which include spending more time with your SO than he is able to provide. As long as you've been clear to him you need more from him that's all you can do. He can either give you what you need or not and then it's up to you to decide. Thanks! I thought i was being selfish for not understanding the fact he have to work. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 If someone is too busy to make time for you then their priorities reflect that that. Personally I wouldn't settle for this unless it was very clear that this is not his intention and it has to be this way for awhile but he wants it to change. If this is the way he functions then you need to make a decision on whether or not this is acceptable for you. Link to comment
The_Seeker Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 If someone is too busy to make time for you then their priorities reflect that that. Personally I wouldn't settle for this unless it was very clear that this is not his intention and it has to be this way for awhile but he wants it to change. If this is the way he functions then you need to make a decision on whether or not this is acceptable for you. Word. I agree. You can make a simple request when it is a perfect time to get together. When you say talk, do you mean by phone or in person? If you're planning to talk on the phone for hours, I could see why he wouldn't want to be bothered. I wouldn't. I prefer hanging out in person. Link to comment
Love1336 Posted February 9, 2012 Author Share Posted February 9, 2012 Word. I agree. You can make a simple request when it is a perfect time to get together. When you say talk, do you mean by phone or in person? If you're planning to talk on the phone for hours, I could see why he wouldn't want to be bothered. I wouldn't. I prefer hanging out in person. We can't hang out in person... it's long distance relationship... since we can't be together all the time, i want to have at least an hour conversation. I miss that. Link to comment
The_Seeker Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 We can't hang out in person... it's long distance relationship... since we can't be together all the time, i want to have at least an hour conversation. I miss that. How long is the distance? And how old is he? Link to comment
Love1336 Posted February 12, 2012 Author Share Posted February 12, 2012 He's lives in NEW YORK. I live in CT. It's about 3 hour ride where he lives. And he's 25. I'm 21. Link to comment
Stay_home Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 Unfortunately this doesn't sound like a relationship that can flourish on just seeing each other once a month. If he's that busy from the new shift assignment, chances are it's just going to be that way. Link to comment
Snny Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 My dad is a Fire Captain for an urban environment. The problems you are experiencing are very common in a family unit when one of the members is a cop or a fireman. This kind of career becomes a person's lifestyle. It has high levels of stress, long hours, and it is physically draining. It is difficult to balance and this line of work will impact families. I know several firefighters who ended up in divorces because they struggled to make time for their families after working long hours. It is not easy. How to make this relationship work? It's going to be on him to make in effort in balancing his work and personal life. If he is unable to and you aren't happy with how things are going, I suggest dating around since his lifestyle isn't compatible with your needs. Link to comment
Love1336 Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 Thanks for being honest. Well at least i haven't started a family with him, and if i'm not happy now i won't be later on. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Thanks for being honest. Well at least i haven't started a family with him, and if i'm not happy now i won't be later on. It doesn't make sense to stay. I agree that it will only get worse with his time and not better given his career. Link to comment
CatchersRye Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Thanks for being honest. Well at least i haven't started a family with him, and if i'm not happy now i won't be later on. It doesn't make him a bad person, but it definitely seems like he's life has too much going on. Have you stated you are exclusive? If so, that should end. But let him know it's not him, but the situation and you will not wait for him, You gotta find someone that meets your needs. Link to comment
Love1336 Posted February 18, 2012 Author Share Posted February 18, 2012 It doesn't make sense to stay. I agree that it will only get worse with his time and not better given his career. I wanted to stay because i thought with time things would get easier. he would make more money or something, where we can eventually live together. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Is he trying to live with you? Is that something he wants? Link to comment
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